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You No Hungry for Girl? You Hungry for Hot Pocket!

The House Bunny / Dustin Rowles

Film Reviews | August 22, 2008 | Comments (109)

The House Bunny is one of those films that’s so ungodly awful that a review is hardly even necessary. Suffice to say, if any of our readers are considering watching The House Bunny, you’re probably reading the wrong fucking site. You don’t need a movie critic to tell you that a makeover movie produced by Adam Sandler’s Happy Madison production company is almost too dumb to be offensive, but when a movie is this blatantly misogynistic, it’s hard to completely excuse it to Sandler’s brand of seemingly harmless stupidity. Indeed, from a personal standpoint, knowing that a few men had their hand in it (Sandler produced and a Happy Madison regular, Fred Wolf, directed) was almost enough to inspire me to rip off my penis halfway through and hand in my Male Card, so ashamed was I in what The House Bunny represented. But then, knowing that two females wrote it, and that at least one actress, Anna Farris, didn’t particularly need the paycheck, I didn’t feel as though I had anyone to hand my Male Card over to. The lesson? Adam Sandler and his entire entourage should be dropped off in the middle of Smith College and pinpricked just enough so that the flesh-eating womyn can smell their blood (the proceedings should also be filmed for the Smith College recruiting video — take that, you Puritanical Wesleyan post-feminist prudes).

The House Bunny follows Shelly (Farris), a 27-year-old Playboy Bunny who is purportedly tossed from the Playboy Mansion by Hef himself because of her age. Homeless and briefly jailed after inadvertently offering a police officer (played by increasingly shameful former “SportsCenter” anchor Dan Patrick) a hummer, Shelly stumbles into an opportunity. She is hired on as the house mother for a struggling sorority faced with eviction because they can’t recruit the necessary 30 pledges required by the University to keep their house. Why? Because the seven existing sorority girls aren’t “sexy” enough to attract boys, by which they mean they don’t readily give up their perfume-scented flowers to needledick frat boys.

Shelly offers to help by giving the unattractive girls makeovers and scenting their flowers, so to speak, offering them flirting tips, and teaching them how to hide their intelligence in order to woo men. The plan works, in part, because four of the girls weren’t ugly to begin with (after the makeover, the two less attractive girls are shoved into the back of the film’s remaining scenes, while Rumer Willis simply pretends, as she always does, to be conventionally beautiful) and because it’s a stupid fucking comedy and that’s the way stupid fucking comedies work (and now that I’m safely away from the clutches of WIMB, I can also safely say that, though she is — by all accounts — an awful fucking person, there’s nothing particularly unpleasant about Rumer Willis except for her personality. I can also safely forget that people like Rumer Willis even exist, as well as another of the sorority sisters, “American Idol” winner (?) Katherine McPhee). Meanwhile, Shelly becomes smitten with a smart-looking guy (Colin Hanks, whose father should take him behind the shed and make him pick his own goddamn switches), who doesn’t fall for her usual dumb girl, slutty tricks, and the smarter sorority girls help her to woo him with whatever the script writers pulled out of their studio-issued script software.

Ultimately, a valuable lesson is learned by all (and I shit you not that this is The House Bunny’s overall message): In order to get a man, you should be 50 percent yourself and 50 percent a cosmetically decorated robo-slut because, you know, you invite them with your open legs, but you hang onto them with your personality … and the jaws of life in your uterus, of course. But then again, the women in the film seemed to have a lot more fun when they were 100 percent robo-slut, so the message that most teenage girls will take home after watching The House Bunny is that showing your tits and hiding your intelligence is the quickest way into getting a man into your hot pocket. The hot melted cheese and the chemically-flavored meats should be enough to keep him … er … eating long enough to surreptitiously slip a ring on his finger.

In other words, you should never, ever put yourself through the experience of watching The House Bunny, in a theater, on DVD, on pay channels, on network television, in a box, with a fox, in a mouse, with a house, here or there, or anywhere. It’s a cinematic abomination, a movie so powerfully unfunny that I understand it actually sucks the humor out of films playing on nearby screens, which explains, in part, why even Rainn Wilson can’t extract a laugh out of The Rocker.

Dustin Rowles is the publisher of Pajiba. He lives with his wife and son in Portland, Maine. Please leave a comment or send an email.


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Comments

(crickets chirping)

Posted by: jason M at August 22, 2008 4:24 PM

(That was in reference to the quality of the film BTW and not the quality of the review, which I felt was a great read)

Posted by: Jason M at August 22, 2008 4:25 PM

Please. Everyone knows that personalities and educations are for ugly chicks. Pretty girls don't need all that trickery to attract a man; we just put on tank tops emblazoned with clever sayings (like Porn Star!) and flap our freshly-shaven cooters in the wind and men come running tout de suite.

And I think the men here will agree.

Posted by: Mella at August 22, 2008 4:26 PM

YES! I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE THIS. I'LL BE ROTFLMMFAO ALL THE WAY HOME BABY! BRING ON THE HOT CHICKS! YEEAAH! I WANNA SEE RUMER WILLIS NEKKID AND TUCKER MAX IS AWESOME AND JESUS GOD MY HEART HURTS GODDAM COMMUNISTS I HATE YOU CONRAD AND ZOMBIES AND ROBODOGS AND MURDERTANKS AND WANNA GET JONAS BROTHER MERCHANDISE AND THE REAL WORLD ROAD RULES CHALLENGES ARE AWESOME ON MY SUPERSWEETSIXTEEN AM I FIRST? FIRST!? FBKHS ..//L;JS lj sda

Sorry. Had to get that out. Have a nice weekend bitches.

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at August 22, 2008 4:26 PM

Awesome. I can't wait to not see this film.

Posted by: docsmartypants at August 22, 2008 4:26 PM

In order to get a man, you should be 50 percent yourself and 50 percent a cosmetically decorated robo-slut

As a single gal I'm going to need more explicit instructions than half me + half robo-slut = yay I have a boyfriend and therefore less of a need for my vibrator. Which half should I keep? Do I still get to watch silly horror movies and curse like an Eagles fan during the playoffs, or should I start subscribing to Vapid Means What Now? and watching The Hills? And how low cut should my shirts be...because the girls get enough outdoors time as it is and I'd like to keep my job until I wed.

:starts doing stretches, chants must spread legs wider:

Anyways, this movie looks like a retread of most movies I hate. Skipping!

Posted by: Julie at August 22, 2008 4:28 PM

Once again the undercurrent of Pajiba-Douchebaggery stemming from the rampant hipsterism of this site's origins seeps through. That first paragraph is a ....DISGRACE.

Shame on you Rowles, shame. on. you.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at August 22, 2008 4:29 PM

in a mouse, with a house,

That's some fucked up shit Dustin. How do you fit yourself, a tv, a dvd player, some speakers and a house inside a fucking mouse?

Posted by: the_wakeful (in Flag) at August 22, 2008 4:29 PM

Dustin, you can't be upset this movie was bad. You claim it was "written by two women". Well, that's just ridiculous. Everyone knows women are things. Things to put my penis in. Like plastic blow-up dolls and socks and window-sill warmed canteloupes. So getting mad at this is like getting angry with a canteloupe. And that, well, that's just silly.

Posted by: hatemail at August 22, 2008 4:32 PM

It pains me to see such a talented actress as Anna Faris repeatedly doing such shit films. She proved she has a ton of versatility in May, but that didn't take off for anyone but Angela Bettis (who herself is satisfied being an indie-darling for the Fangoria crowd). Then she stole the show in Lost in Translation and Brokeback Mountain. Yet she can't step away from the taint of so bad they're moderately entertaining at times because of her comedies like Scary Movie(s) and My Super Ex-Girlfriend and House Bunny.

I know Lohan is the cautionary tale of social life and misbehavior in (acting("acting")) Hollywood, but Faris seems destined to be an upcoming cautionary tale of choosing the worst possible projects and killing your career in Hollywood.

Posted by: Robert at August 22, 2008 4:32 PM

I saw this "film" for free, and I still feel cheated out of something. Hmmm... self-respect, yes, that's it. How I've missed you for so long.

Posted by: noah at August 22, 2008 4:34 PM

I was going to go on a rant about Smith, Smith?! What about other women's colleges, like, I don't know, MOUNT HOLYOKE?! And then I remembered, oh yeah, that's right, we do have a reputation for being nicer than the Smithies. So, okay, carry-on.

Posted by: tamatha at August 22, 2008 4:37 PM

Yeah, didn't Sylvia Plath go to Smith? I read a biography and didn't think she was someone I'd want to know. I said as much in my book report and my teacher thought I was being a bit too harsh.

I did meet a Smith student once who was visiting some friends at UGA and we all had a very long, fun night together. I believe the new Simpsons "Cape Fear" episode was viewed at some point. I developed a giant crush right away and never saw her again. So, there's the occasional exception at least.

Posted by: Jay at August 22, 2008 4:43 PM

tamatha, if memory serves, the girls from your school always took "Mount Holyoke" as an instruction. As long as we sprinkled some holy water on our timber before date night, we were golden.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at August 22, 2008 4:45 PM

I wouldn't see this movie if Kristin Kreuk paid and promised me a handjob during it. Eh, who am I kidding? I'd sit through a Clockwork Orange-type montage if Kristin Kreuk was even in the same room.

And I would eat green eggs and ham if Anna Farris served them to me on her stomach.

Posted by: Dave at August 22, 2008 4:48 PM

I will not watch this in a car. I will not watch this in a bar. I will not.... oh, fuck it. I need a drink.

Posted by: nancy at August 22, 2008 4:48 PM

Jay--don't get me wrong, some of my best friends are Smithies.

socalled--as if you've ever been to our "most beautiful campus in the country."

Posted by: tamatha at August 22, 2008 4:52 PM

As a super commited graduate member of a major fraternity (read: needledick frat boy) I have have admit that I love reading barbs about my adopted kind. Maybe it's because I've managed to collect two degrees that are not 'Communication' or 'Golf Course Management' while avoiding VD thus far, but mocking my brethren puts a smile on my face. I feel a little guilty enjoying it, kind of like cheering for the Australian women swimmers because they're hot.

And worry not, Pajibaland-- college sorostitues won't get the wrong message from them film: they've all already been whores for a long time.

Especially the fat ones.

Posted by: Johnny Frat at August 22, 2008 4:52 PM

Ah, yes. It does me good to see my alma mater get the respect it deserves. I remember the days when it was perfectly acceptable to rail against the patriarchy without whipping your boobs out or undermining yourself in some other way. Sigh.

Posted by: samantha t at August 22, 2008 5:07 PM

I'd give you a golf clap, but you don't have a degree in that. How about I just give you the clap?

Posted by: hatemail at August 22, 2008 5:09 PM

I feel shamed for publicly stating that I wanted to see this.

Posted by: Marra at August 22, 2008 5:17 PM

AND THE REAL WORLD ROAD RULES CHALLENGES ARE AWESOME

Fuck of now, Skitts. I'm with Stacey on the RW/RR love. CAN'T WAIT for the next Survivor-rip-off season!!!!

Posted by: jamiepants at August 22, 2008 5:23 PM

Julie,

As a member of the female gender who is apparently rather non-girly and has been informed of this by a dear friend who told me that I was more butch than him, a gay male, I can tell you how the sports-loving side of you needs to be handled.

Since you obviously have to discard the intelligence because men don't want to talk to you as it interrupts the sex part, which is all that they need; you cannot admit knowledge of sports. You must sit there calmly and quietly and ask stupid questions like "What is that play called?" or "Why do they get to do that?" or "Who is the guy at quarterback again and what does he do?". You also have to get a pink shirt of said team and wear it to games. No team colors or anything that an intelligent woman would wear to a game. Full makeup and perfectly coiffed hair are required. Ridiculously stupid shoes are a must. No eating yummy delicious stadium food as a robo-slut would not do that. Beer is also off limits. Just act like Assica Simpson at a Cowboys game.

That should cover it. It will also likely get you killed at a Eagles game.

P.S. I hate these types of women at a sporting event. I want them to be mauled by a drunken fan of the opposition.

Posted by: Melody at August 22, 2008 5:34 PM

I will become interested in RW/RR when they announce that Beth S. and Puck were killed in a challenge involving a wolverine, some barbed wire, Guinea worms and a vat of lye. Then I will YouTube that scene, and only that scene, and cry at the beauty of it.

Posted by: Sarina at August 22, 2008 5:38 PM

I just want somebody to acknowledge that Just Friends is totally underrated and that Anna Faris and Ryan Reynolds (and Chris Klein!!) are awesome in it. I have been waiting and waiting and you people just will not comply.

Posted by: AM at August 22, 2008 5:40 PM

*quietly weeping in the corner at the fact that this abomination was ever made*

Posted by: MO(meaux) at August 22, 2008 5:55 PM

Glad to hear you're out of WIMB, sorry to see you had to watch this terrible travesty of a movie.

Posted by: Emily at August 22, 2008 6:01 PM

And the shame continues.

Melody, I have a pink Bruschi jersey. I've worn it to every Pats event I've attended since 10th grade. Although, it does have a little mustard stain on it due to a hot dog eating contest in the Gillette parking lot. Tailgating on draft day gives me cred, right?

Please don't maul me.

Posted by: Marra at August 22, 2008 6:05 PM

I just want somebody to acknowledge that Just Friends is totally underrated and that Anna Faris and Ryan Reynolds (and Chris Klein!!) are awesome in it. I have been waiting and waiting and you people just will not comply.

AM.....for the love of corn, tell me you are striving for irony, that you are a masochist who longs for the sweet sweet release of vitriol that should be spewed upon you for that comment. To paraphrase an old comment about Ryan Phillipe "Chris Klein is an actor who may best be suited for silent gay porn". Ryan Reynolds is cool, but that movie was not underrated...or overrated, but rated right where it needed to be, in the wide ranging, yet ultra specific field of suck.

As for this movie, Anna Faris can be funny, but the second I saw the poster, I knew I was going to give it a pass. And hearing Rumer Willis is in the movie only sweetened the deal!!!! Pretending to be conventionally beautiful, good one Dustin, I agree wholeheartedly. I've seen Weebles with more striking facial features. Maybe in Sin City 2, she could play Mickey Rourke's kid, that's a role she could sink her 46 teeth into. If she was a city, she'd be Moose Jaw, if she was a cartoon, she'd be Jabberjaw. If she was in Star Wars, she'd be a Jawa. I could go on, but I'll wrap it up by saying this. Fuck Rumer Willis.

Where was I? Oh yeah, I'm not going to see this movie. If I want to see a movie with or about Playmates, I'll see an Andy Sidaris flick. Hard Ticket to Hawaii owns this pile of crap.

Posted by: Rubble44 at August 22, 2008 6:22 PM

AM, don't worry, I thought Just Friends was actually pretty funny. And I usually hate movies like that. It was on TV the other day and I found myself sitting on the couch watching the entire thing.....again.

Posted by: Miss_E at August 22, 2008 6:25 PM

Wow, Dustin. Tell us what you really thought.

I find it entertaining that most of the quotes on Metacritic amount to basically the same thing: "I was surprised how much Anna Faris was able to save the movie from sucking, which it should've." Maybe this is the project where she uses up whatever residual good will she's earned.

And I always manage to forget that she was in Lost in Translation and Brokeback Mountain. How does she manage to end up in such crap projects like this one? She's so much better than so many of her films that it's baffling. Someone needs a new agent or... something.

Posted by: whatBENwatches at August 22, 2008 6:27 PM

Fuck Rumer Willis.

Posted by: Rubble44 at August 22, 2008 6:22 PM

With Brooke Hogan's schlong...

Posted by: Che Grovera at August 22, 2008 6:30 PM

Ahem. Katherine McPhee did not win American Idol. She was runner-up to Taylor Hicks. I only know this because Hicks is from Birmingham, and Idol hysteria was unavoidable here during the competition. I am proud to say that I have never seen an entire episode of AI, and I hope I never will. I will also not see this movie.

Posted by: rlr260 at August 22, 2008 6:31 PM

I, too, watched Just Friends all the way through on t.v. the other day, and Anna Faris just gets funnier. I think the problem is that nobody knows how to write funny movies for funny women. The only time we get "comedies" that primarily feature women, they fall into the shitty romcom category in which women do stupid ditzy crap for stupid generic men and hilarious hijinks ensue. It's annoying.

Posted by: HB at August 22, 2008 6:35 PM

we just put on tank tops emblazoned with clever sayings (like Porn Star!) and flap our freshly-shaven cooters in the wind and men come running tout de suite.

Freshly-shaven, yes.
Flapping, no.

Posted by: TL at August 22, 2008 7:00 PM

"...You must sit there calmly and quietly and ask stupid questions like "What is that play called?" or "Why do they get to do that?" or "Who is the guy at quarterback again and what does he do?". You also have to get a pink shirt of said team and wear it to games...."

------------------------------------------------

I like where your head's at, sugartits.

*pats that ass*

Now go get me and the guys some brews

*chop* *chop*

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at August 22, 2008 7:11 PM

Melody, I'm a longtime Kansas City Royals fan (and that takes heart, we have an incredible losing record without the brand prestige of being a Cubs fan). Imagine my surprise to hear a female friend is organizing a trip to a game. I get an evite (am I the only person in the world who hates those things?), and find that it is "lady's night". We get pink hats with rhinestones on the KC, and pink shirts, and a cocktail hour beforehand (no beer) and a bunch of vendors for women (scrapbooking and make-up). There are special interviews of the players in which they ask important questions such as "who spends the longest time primping in the locker room?" and "boxers or briefs?". I tried my best to actually watch the question, but got distracted by questions such as, "what's the name of the one with the cute butt?" (Alex Gordon) and so on. But now I have a pink shirt to wear on any future sporting dates! And just smile and nod. I think I can handle that. Bleck.

I also would like to point out that I adore (for the sheer trashy value) Girls Next Door. I saw the tie-in episode where they filmed their scenes for this movie. Even then it amazed me at how awful this movie looked. Hef was laughing at the screening in the mansion, but I'm not sure that he understood that he never really had Anna Faris as a girlfriend. Between the screenings of the show for E!, and the movie, I think the lines between reality and fiction are blurring a bit. (Of course his life is already a fantasty, so he didn't have far to go.

Posted by: libraryliz at August 22, 2008 7:50 PM

AM, I love "Just Friends"! I'm sure it's not my acknowledgment you seek, but I'm gonna' throw it out there anyway.

Posted by: Lainey at August 22, 2008 8:02 PM

What hurts the most is that Anna Faris is funny. She is legitimately and intelligently funny. She is physically and cerebrally funny.

Posted by: Ling at August 22, 2008 8:37 PM

rlr260, who are you and where did you come from? Never deny the Taylor Hicks craze! I'm sure you've probably accidentally bumped into him performing at the Nick or the Oasis or many of our other lovely dive bars, and then you may have flashed him a boob or two (going out on a limb and thinking you're a girl, because guys totally dig Taylor Hicks, swoon), and maybe he broke your heart and you're a little bit bitter.

Just saying, that's all.

Posted by: noah at August 22, 2008 9:48 PM

Anna Faris is awesome. I kinda wanted to see this just for her. But now that I know more about the movie...

*sigh*

Posted by: Gabs at August 22, 2008 9:51 PM

Robert,

Your 4:32pm comment was most excellent & my kinda good writing (fuck that re-typing it all here, I'm already accused of lack of Brevity in my posts as they are- I'm working on it). And Noah, your 4:34pm post was funny as all hell, write more often y' bastahd.

I thought Anna Faris was cute/stupid-funny enough in the two 'Scary Movies' I saw, 2 & 4, but I haven't seen her in anything else, so my initial impression is that I can't imagine her having much more "range" as an actor, and I wouldn't see this particular movie either way to find out, so I'll have to Netflix this 'May' movie & investigate further.

I do very much enjoy looking at her, however never-quite-convincingly padded she is in her strategically, carefully-molded bras, purely for purposes each unique, brilliantly differing role she's been in has required- but please, chile, let's be honest, she's obviously lacking in the breastal department pretty young blondes like her are supposed to have, and that's just fine with me- ALL (female) boobs are beautiful; they don't have to have 101 different ways to enhance cleavage, yet that's what the crowd wants, so unnatural cleavage it is. If Faris gets a boob job, her and I are through!

ANYWAY,

I started this over an hour ago & have probably missed some more great comments in the meantime (the last one being B-Slim's comment, my own personal choice for the next Top 10 List).

But it IS Friday night, and what with all the calls & visits from gorgeous gals begging me to take them dining and dancing (both on and off the floor, ifunowhatimean), it's hard to stay focused at this late point in the evening, when I'm here with my friends- I shoulda been in bed an HOUR ago, dammit!

One other thing: is that story about Christina Applegate having a double-mastectomy true? If so, I really feel for her tonight, without searching out the net to verify (too much bad news), 'cause this is virtually the only site I regularly check into, and feel so badly for this beautiful young lady, whom I'll always be infinitely more attracted to than the Faris gal (like this middle-age balding guy has a chance with either one, so what the fuck?)

I didn't watch 'Married with Children' much but I like her in the stuff I've seen, that 'Jesse' (sic?) show and 'Samantha Who?' (two eps, then got distracted) & that Romy & Michelle movie I can't remember offhand.

Since I'm already running an epic Franzian ramble tonight, I should mention that I was reminded today that August 26th is 'Woman's Day', so you Pajiba guys make a note of that & send your best wishes to your favorite PajiBabe when the opportunity presents itself...

Be like Skittimus: smooth & polished, yet sincerely longing and compelling in your delivery like he was with Julie and Rhianna - I would stick to that textbook strategy and inevitably find a new board to nail (or 'broad', either will do)- so that's just my incoherent ramble, take it or don't leave any pocket change in my guitar case.

Well, everyone have a good evening, hope I previewed my comment enough to not be too embarrassed by it in the morning. I just happened to have had a pretty good week, a VERY rare occurence, & wanted to write some mindless bullshit while I'm 'inspired' (read: 'smashed', which I actually WASN'T when I first started typing this) well...

Hell to the NO, I take so much fucking time to write a post I'm not gonna just erase it & take my drunk ass to bed. I'm damn well leaving my mark, people, and I'll suffer any ridicule over it in the morning, if anyone is still desperately lonely enough to be reading this tonight.

Yeah, that oughtta do it, I'm the Man..

**stumbling, uncomfortable exit**

Posted by: TMax at August 22, 2008 10:06 PM

TMax, I love the idea of you drinking a box of Franzia Chillable Red out of an oversized crazy straw while typing your manifestos. :)

And Skitt has wooing skills that would rival those of Casanova. Well, maybe not with the attempted kidnapping...he's actually more like the Pontipee boys from Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.

Posted by: Julie at August 22, 2008 10:26 PM

"Bless yer bee-yewtiful hiiiide, wherever you may beeeee...". One of my favorites.

Posted by: sweetpea at August 22, 2008 11:08 PM

Will someone tell me who the target audience is for this fine (ahem) bit of filmography? Is it meant to be "ironic"? Will stupid people watch it and think that it offers insight? Was it written to inspire others to slutty greatness? Is there an objective/a point/any meaning whatsoever? Is there someone I can punch for having greenlighted (greenlit? can't think today) this apparent mess when other, more deserving, projects are shelved? Can the people who spend money to see this movie have all of their OTHER money taken away and given to the homeless, as they clearly do not understand the importance of being a responsible consumer?

Posted by: kalafraja at August 22, 2008 11:14 PM

Okay, NOW I'm completely blown away, people- the absolute hottest lady on this site (from all accounts, she nails the top spot by her writing alone) - Ms. Julie, an unobtainable treasure of a crush not unlike the head cheerleader in H.S. (I'm gettin' all 'F&G' here-is there a pic of you online, as if it matters?), has actually responded to one of MY emails! Damn, great way to end a great week! Apparently I wasn't drunk enough to go to bed just yet, and I refreshed and BAM! there it was- a great comment I'll treasure, and use against you in the future, you wonderful person...

However, MO(Meaux), the wonderfully witty lady I have a not-quite-scheduled date with, along with her wonderful husband to keep us in check, is dear to my heart and truly my best comrade on Pajiba right now. Feel free to fight viciously for my singular affection, altho it will only result in heartache for all 3 of us.

I had a one-nighter with the most beautiful, popular girl in 11th grade, and to this day no one else but her and I (and now all of you) have that memory, unless she's told anyone else in the meantime, I sure didn't. Getting a response from Julie is added to this list of amazing encounters with beautiful people, completely unexpected and that much more thrilling.

I'll continue to love you from afar, Julie: I love your hilarious posts and your fondness for your Brother & Mother (yeah, I keep track of that shit), but PLEASE...

especially in this day and time, please rest assured that my fondness for you doesn't extend beyond this shared site, and I'm not competing with the intelligentia of Skit, lordhelmet, Shadows, and many other manly fanboy/lusty suitors, for your always-beautiful comments. I appreciate what I got.

Okay, now's the time where I'd puke all over your prom dress & you'd take me to a place to sleep it off, I'd wake up feeling mortified, you'd be there asking if I wanted some breakfast and I'd say "Oh, GOD, no! But thanks for asking," whereupon I'd go puke and then take an extra-long shower when you unexpectedly joined in and our bodies intermingled-

Hey fuck this shit, I can get paid from Penthouse magazine for these gems- later, sweet thing

(Did I look cool walking away just now? Just for future reference, mind you)

Well, lookie, you kept me up, what, another 45 minutes? Thank you for contributing to the best Friday night I've had this month (I'm alone but never lonely), and I'm going to have a great weekend just in your honor, Julie.

We do have one thing in common: we both love reading ALL of this site, and appreciate great writing when we see it.

HOkkayy, definitely running head-on into ass-kissing mode, as one or two colleagues have pointed out at other times.

Tonight I don't care: be well, everyone

Posted by: TMax at August 22, 2008 11:29 PM

For fuck's sake, Dustin, I think you need to get laid or something. Maybe a shot of testosterone. Your critique smacks of that liberal guilt thing that comes out of your ass every so often. Anna Faris came up with the concept of this movie. She got two chicks to write it for her. She pitched a dumb movie to a guy who is happy to make dumb movies. Should he have told Anna, "Silly bitch, don't you know girls can't be funny?" He wrote the check, but Anna and the, uh, writers can take the responsibility for this pile on their own. To get so riled up (I suspect you really had to trick yourself into actually getting upset over this disposable celluloid) over a harmless comedy as if it sets back the women's suffrage movement or something is like arguing that RBJ playing a white man playing a black man has destroyed MLK's legacy. A bit dramatic, dont ya think?

Posted by: JP at August 22, 2008 11:32 PM

I just like that the message is that if you work hard enough to crush all that is intelligent, good, and interesting in you and cover over it with cheap make-up and heels, you'll be accepted! And that's all that matters.

Posted by: Kevin Longrie at August 23, 2008 12:16 AM

Dear Anna,
We're through Anna Faris. You can't keep doing this to me. My girl crush will not last if you keep making movies that cause me to want to eat botchulism to avoid the brain cells that those movies damage (no amount of pot can even be comparable to sitting through the Scary Movie movies when it comes to the lowering of my IQ). Not inject the botchulism in my face, but I will eat it. Please win me over again. You are so adorably funny. You just need to quit making shit movies and get back to slightly quirky (not great, but quirky) movies that make me laugh and fall in love with you all at the same time.
Yours so very truly,
Raye Raye

P.S. Do something with Ryan Reynolds. It will recomfirm my heterosexual female status.

Posted by: Raye Raye at August 23, 2008 12:25 AM

I spelled botulism wrong. I apologize. I was being passionate, so spelling and punctuation did not matter to me.

Posted by: Raye Raye at August 23, 2008 12:26 AM

And Skitt has wooing skills that would rival those of Casanova. Well, maybe not with the attempted kidnapping...

Actually Julie, if you think of it in the context of Kiss the Girls, then the kidnapping is pretty accurate.

Posted by: jM at August 23, 2008 12:29 AM

Did I look cool walking away just now?

I actually didn't notice, TMax, I was too busy checking out your ass. :p

your fondness for your Brother & Mother

Ha! I'm sleeping at my mother's right now, which explains why I have access to a computer (I don't own one...I know). Right now my brother is trying to get me to watch a movie about Cannibals...who sing...and there's something about a snowman...named Beowolf? I don't know, I'm drinking. More hefeweizen!

Posted by: Julie at August 23, 2008 1:24 AM

hmm...I don't know. I've sort of discovered that if you half and half robo-slut with a mass of intelligent conversation, you can actually watch some men harden then shrivel in confusion.

Posted by: megaera at August 23, 2008 2:59 AM

If any of you bother to reply to this (which i'm guessing you won't), i'm expecting to get a blasting.
However making yourself pretty IS the best way to score a man. The only ones who have a problem with this seem to be ugly people.
If the the film was about making over guys, i doubt there would of been any negative comments made.
Just my opinion.

Posted by: Returnofthesmith at August 23, 2008 3:36 AM

Rumer Willis existing hurts my brain.

Seriously, she is constantly getting put into these roles that are wholly contradictory. She gets made into the spokesperson for a clothing line, and cast in a film where she "gets pretty".

I'm gonna go ice my head somewhere.

Posted by: john darc at August 23, 2008 3:36 AM

Thanks, Dustin. Your "hot pocket" reference has caused me to think disturbing thoughts about Jim Gaffigan.

("HAAAWT PAAAAAAWKETTTS!!!")

Posted by: brownribbon at August 23, 2008 4:06 AM

I've been feeling a bit better than usual lately. Kind of un-oppressed and all's right with the world. Didn't know why.

Now I know. I wasn't watching this movie. I look forward to months and months of not watching this movie, and the ease that goes with. Sandler, Farris and the other perpetrators should make many more films that I can not watch. I could use the non-contact high.

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at August 23, 2008 5:04 AM

is that showing your tits and hiding your intelligence is the quickest way into getting a man into your hot pocket.

It doesn't take a $10 movie to tell any of us that.

Posted by: duckandcover at August 23, 2008 5:18 AM

Oh, no no no, returnofthesmith. You're missing the point, buddy. I think we all realize that at first sight, men are more attracted to prettiness, so it doesn't hurt to get tarted up if we want to "score a man"--but thank you for clarifying that.

No, what gets my panties in a knot are the messages that:

a) Without the help of a bunny type, women who are academically inclined apparently don't know how to NOT dress like trolls. Okay, I have an M. Sc. in biology, and did pretty well if I do say so myself....and guess what? I am quite capable of turning myself in to a presentable-looking female specimen. Even managed to score a man, by golly--even without hiding my pesky brain. Which brings me to:

b) Smart women have to hide their intelligence to woo men. Honestly...what kind of a man would prefer a less intelligent woman? Not the kind I care to have anything to do with; certainly not every man feels this way (and thank you Pajiba men, for proving that statement on a regular basis--hear hear, boys!).

So, these are my problems with the premise of this movie, Smithy. Not the simple "if you doll yourself up, you'll attract the boys"--that's pretty obvious, if a tad shallow.

Posted by: MO(meaux) at August 23, 2008 6:02 AM

Oh, and *pssst* TMax, maybe you can invite Julie along for our movie night...? *wink wink*

Posted by: MO(meaux) at August 23, 2008 6:05 AM

I don't understand why this review is so negative. This movie looks so good! The trailer had me ROFL in the cinema. Seriously!! And I totally HEART Anna Faris!!

It's not like all movies need a message that u agree with, Dustin. And u shouldn't pick on people like Rumer Willis and Kahtarine McPhee, who have both really earned their success. They both work really hard and have loads of talent, and K.McPhee is soooo pretty!!

Also, you spelled 'women' wrong. Maybe you should, like, try spellchecking before postign or something??

Posted by: Candy at August 23, 2008 6:59 AM

Conrad's got a sister. Who knew?

Posted by: Jay at August 23, 2008 7:28 AM

hmm...I don't know. I've sort of discovered that if you half and half robo-slut with a mass of intelligent conversation, you can actually watch some men harden then shrivel in confusion.

Posted by: megaera at August 23, 2008 2:59 AM

Those aren't the real men, megaera...or am I just now catching on to the fact that this is your personal litmus test?

Posted by: Che Grovera at August 23, 2008 7:35 AM

TMax, I can guarantee you Faris shows range in May beyond what you saw in the Scary Movie entries. She plays a lesbian secretary at a veterinary clinic attempting to woo the socially inept and batshit crazy veterinary assistant. And, considering it's a dark comedy that then shifts into a slasher film for the last reel, you better believe she has material to work with that matches her offbeat performance style.

Posted by: Robert at August 23, 2008 8:14 AM

AM, I really like Just Friends, and for a while I tried to justify it by searching for deeper significance in the movie. Was it a weird anti-romantic comedy with irony so subtle, no one noticed it was supposed to be bad? No - it's just uneven writing and Chris Klein and whoever told Ryan Reynolds to not take his shirt off.

Posted by: LB at August 23, 2008 8:23 AM

Maybe you should, like, try spellchecking before postign

Ahhhh hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahah! This comment is awesome. I almost bought it right up to this point.

Conrad's got a sister. Who knew?

Jay, you are awesome. To the Nth degree.

Why don't I remember AF in May? Hm. Guess it's time for a trip to my local DVD store.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at August 23, 2008 10:38 AM

hmm...I don't know. I've sort of discovered that if you half and half robo-slut with a mass of intelligent conversation, you can actually watch some men harden then shrivel in confusion.

this is so true! I live in a very social city now and look about 8 yrs younger than I am - love going to bars and getting drunk idiots to ply me with alcohol. The payoff is when they realize they've just revealed their insecurities to a total stranger and flee! Saves me the trouble of giving them a fake phone number ...

The best time was a lovely evening I had chatting up a 25 yr old running a low budget version of the pickup artist. None of those boys got laid that night but it was probably 100 times better than watching this movie.

Posted by: blueshark at August 23, 2008 11:18 AM

No joke, Anna, I just added May to my netflix queue when I saw the little Anna Faris lovefest yesterday.

She plays a lesbian secretary at a veterinary clinic attempting to woo the socially inept and batshit crazy veterinary assistant.

Hilariously enough, I am in training to become a veterinary assistant. So that cracks my shit up. Not that I'm socially inept. I am batshit crazy, though.

Is Candy really just Pookie fucking with us?

Posted by: Jaci at August 23, 2008 11:25 AM

If the the film was about making over guys, i doubt there would of been any negative comments made.
Just my opinion.

Posted by: Returnofthesmith

The movie to which you're referring is called Can't Buy Me Love, and the reason you won't find me commenting negatively about it is because it taught me the African Ant Eater Ritual, and that, Mr. Smith, is how I catched me a man.

Posted by: Mella at August 23, 2008 12:12 PM

actually, the most effective statement would have been to completely ignore this movie and not review it at all.

Posted by: tennischick at August 23, 2008 12:13 PM

Which pretty much negates the purpose of a movie review site.

Posted by: Julie at August 23, 2008 1:24 PM

Tailgating on draft day gives me cred, right?

Umm...Yeah. I don't even pay attention to most of draft day. ESPN talking heads have a time limit threshold with me. Live coverage of the draft is more than enough time for me become annoyed by the reporters and all of the filler time.

Posted by: Melody at August 23, 2008 1:42 PM

LibraryLiz, I am sorry. Is beer at least cheap at a Royals game? I have heard that the tickets are very cheap. At least the Royals are not at the bottom of the standings this year. I think that spot still belongs to the Mariners.

Slim

I am so talking to TK about putting you back in the basement.

Posted by: Melody at August 23, 2008 1:49 PM

john darc at August 23, 2008 3:36 AM:
"Rumer Willis existing hurts my brain.

Seriously, she is constantly getting put into these roles that are wholly contradictory. She gets made into the spokesperson for a clothing line, and cast in a film where she "gets pretty".

I'm gonna go ice my head somewhere."

***

Constantly? Really?

Rumer's extensive filmography has seven entries (with three more currently in post-production.) Five of those seven are appearances in her parents' movies, including the epic role of "Girl running between Jimmy and Oz" in the "Whole Nine Yards." I doubt there was much dialogue for her chew any scenery in these.

But I do look forward to hearing about "Whore" as "Smoking Girl" opposite Ron Jeremy. Oooh - and next year there's "Wild Cherry" alongside Rob Schneider and Kristin Cavallari! Way to carve out your own career, girl.

What is wrong with me? I don't know why I felt the need to go look that up...another five minutes of my like wasted.

Posted by: krix at August 23, 2008 2:03 PM

"another five minutes of my like wasted."

Life, that is. I totally get the Rumer Willis existing hurting your brain thing.

Posted by: krix at August 23, 2008 2:08 PM

Please Hefner would never kick her out, have you seen the old skeezers he is with on Girls Next Door?

Posted by: doozer at August 23, 2008 2:52 PM

ANYONE who defends/condones/remotely sympathizes with Rumer Willis is as worthless to humanity as she is.

Kill yourselves immediately.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at August 23, 2008 3:29 PM

I'm not even going to waste my breath saying that Boogs will probably like this...oh wait, I just did.

They didn't sell me on it when I was forced to see the trailer with Made of Honor, they didn't sell me on it when I was forced to see the trailer AGAIN with Mamma Mia, and they didn't sell me when they made that stupid assed banner of Anna Farris looking like the world's first playmate with Downs Syndrome.

Wait...Rumer Willis is in this shit?! I think I should retract that bit about Anna Farris, because Mrs. Potato Head is FTW when it comes to looking like she's missing a couple (hundred) brain cells.

Posted by: Mike R. at August 23, 2008 10:09 PM

Dammit, Dustin, I told you!!! Sandler is a fuckin' asshat, and I know beyond it all that you most certainly know that (now, if you hadn't already. Doubt it).

But Apatow still works with him!!! That's why you gotta be careful when you crown Apatow as a comedic king! Realistically, the guy has only really made two movies, and otherwise has produced a lot of shit. Fuck, he helped write Zohan.

Or hell, I could've been entirely wrong about it being you, but I do recall one of the Pajiba writers saying something along the lines of Apatow being the king of all comedy films, and I'm just saying to hold on for a bit, because Apatow is dumb as hell sometimes on who he chooses to work with. Remember, those two (Sandler and Apatow) are doing another film together, and Sandler is either going to really, REALLY fuck up the film entirely, or he might pull a Punch-Drunk Love and make us remember why we keep him around.

...I don't know where this came from, but I guess I just read the opening credit about Happy Madison and your bitterness towards it.

Ok, I'm done. Sorry for redirecting this so severely. Back to watching The Wire.

Posted by: Riley at August 24, 2008 1:43 AM

OMG, I feel so honored to have brought "hot pocket" to Pajiba, even though I wouldn't go near one with Woody Allen's libido and Ann Coulter's dick.

Posted by: Shane at August 24, 2008 2:54 AM

Honestly....I saw the movie for free, and it really wasn't that bad. You go for Anna Faris, you stay for Anna Faris. She's funny no matter what the material, and at this point in her career, has the role of hapless dimwit DOWN. And ya know what? That's ok. I don't need every movie I see to make me ponder my existence or depress the ever-living shit out of me.

And as for Faris, hell, I bet she could even make one of Apatow's shit comedies worth a watch.

Yeah, I said it.

Posted by: Shane at August 24, 2008 3:01 AM

Btw, "hot pocket" should really be attributed to Chelsea Handler, my one true love...

Posted by: Shane at August 24, 2008 12:06 PM

posters for this movie are everywhere in downtown toronto. there should be a committee to deface them before TIFF.

it's sad to see the funniest women making shit like this and "baby mama". at least molly shannon did "year of the dog", in which the woman's life was about more than having babies or attracting men.

Posted by: celery at August 24, 2008 12:30 PM

You know how Colin Hanks was on Mad Men last week? Yeah, that was weird.

Posted by: Lobstersurprise at August 24, 2008 2:24 PM

Thank you, honest people out there, no matter how guilt-ridden your honesty sounds about liking Just Friends. The movie has a totally stupid premise but so many funny moments. The scene with Ryan Reynolds freaking out in his car? Or lip-synching to the Backstreet Boys song as "fat Chris?" I defy anyone to pass up this movie on a lazy Saturday afternoon when there's not much on. It's not a comedic masterpiece, but it's on about the same level as Supertroopers, or School of Rock. And if you don't like those either, then...well...we probably wouldn't be very good friends if we ever met. Just sayin.

Posted by: AM at August 24, 2008 10:12 PM

We Wesleyan "prudes" can also be fairly slutty in our secretive ways...we just hold out until the 5th date or so...wink wink!

Posted by: ph at August 24, 2008 11:21 PM

Oh this is a real bummer. I just realized Emma Stone and Kat Dennings are in this movie. I didn't recognize them in their "beautified" states that I saw in some stills.

Can there be a movie to ogle Emma Stone in her "ugly" state? I mean, if we're gonna deal in shallow "what men want to see" then....give me what I want to see!

Damn you, Anna Faris! I'll never....okay, I've never seen any of your movies anyway but...!!!

Posted by: Jay at August 25, 2008 9:21 AM

Look, listen, take heed. Women know your limits....

Hope the link works:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SjxY9rZwNGU

Posted by: Colombo at August 25, 2008 10:14 AM

Dustin, it's Anna Faris, with one R
not Farris

Posted by: Plobes at August 25, 2008 10:48 AM

Columbo--That was great!

Posted by: tamatha at August 25, 2008 12:00 PM

(and now that I'm safely away from the clutches of WIMB....... what is WIMB ???

Posted by: bob at August 25, 2008 12:09 PM

(and now that I'm safely away from the clutches of WIMB....... what is WIMB ???

Posted by: bob at August 25, 2008 12:09 PM

Webster's Is My Bitch

A site where the estimable Mr. Rowles moonlights...

Posted by: Pajiba-Aid at August 25, 2008 12:15 PM

bob, WIMB= Webster's Is My Bitch, a sister site with celebrity gossip disguised as an online dictionary.

Posted by: Adere at August 25, 2008 12:15 PM

AM, maybe I missed out of something earlier, but I just wanted to say that you are absolutely correct on Just Friends.

Again, it is kinda bad on some counts, the funny moments that occur in it outweigh the bad.

Honestly, I always thought that part where he gets so pissed off at himself (i.e., freaking out in his car) was such a cute, honest action. I have made an ass out of myself on some occasions, and sometimes, when you actually take the time to recount just how big of a pompous ass you were, you sometimes just get so frustrated with yourself and just flip out and have an entire argument with yourself. Everytime I see that part in the film, I find it so fulfilling and truthful.

That, and, well, damn. Ryan Reynolds is my totally straight man-crush. Any other guy (or lady, whatever) who wants to claim him as his own is going to have to pry him from my cold, dead fingers.

Wow, I'm retarded.

Posted by: Riley at August 25, 2008 7:00 PM

I may just get myself booted off this site, but the line in the preview when Anna goes "Gooooood morning Pooter!" just makes me smile.

Posted by: KHA at August 25, 2008 9:21 PM

mmm...robo-sluts...

Posted by: bud at August 25, 2008 10:46 PM

Ahaha Colombo, I quote that Harry Enfield clip all the time. Awesome.

Has anyone ever read Feel This Book by Janeane Garofalo & Ben Stiller? It's pretty hilarious, and will make you nostalgic for the 90s. (Janeane's chapters are of course better than Ben Stiller's, because, well.. he sucks. But he's slightly more tolerable on paper than on celluloid.)

Anyway she's got a whole chapter devoted to "If you're unattractive, your personality has got to pick up the slack..."

And it's tremendous. You can get it on Amazon for like $0.96!

Posted by: K at August 26, 2008 5:57 AM

Okay, I know this comment is buried at number 99 on a days-old review, not exactly an auspicious entry for my one and only planned de-lurking, but as a long-time reader of the site, i can take no more.

dustin. we have forgiven you for 'skank cancer'. the misogyny horn that you have been overcompensatorily blowing for the last few months by way of apology needs to be put away.

seriously, could you possibly throw 'misogyny' into any more reviews? i say this as a righteous feminist who enjoys--nay, relishes--calling true misogynists on their shit: settle down. i thought you topped yourself when you applied the 'misogynist' label in one broad brush-stroke to 3 authors, one of whom i agree is nasty (updike), one of whom (roth) i haven't read enough to know for sure (and wonder, completely un-snarkily, whether you have), and one who the consensus is simply has sex/intimacy issues (and show me an author, male or female, who doesn't, and i'll show you someone so boring even his/her parents wouldn't buy a copy).

that's unfair, but you set a new low in the House Bunny review. if you are truly arguing that the women responsible for creating the movie must be deeply self-loathing, and not simply, say, getting a shallow, paint-by-numbers movie made since it showcased their talents decently and is a studio-friendly pitch, and everyone wants to get a movie made now and then (see: baby mama)--well, that's a complex argument, and i don't accept tarring them with the same 'misogynist' brush that gets whipped out for, say, tucker max.

end of rant. i'd genuinely be curious to see if anyone else has noticed this trend in dustin's reviews, or if i'm getting all riled up about nothing (i am, after all, a self-described feminist--ouch).

Posted by: elle at August 26, 2008 10:59 AM

err, and this IS the House Bunny review, meaning i should have specified the other (recent) dustin-flinging-'misogyny'-around review as the Elegy one, and not the other way around.

Posted by: elle at August 26, 2008 11:03 AM

Right on, Riley. This is what you missed out on, apparently:

"AM.....for the love of corn, tell me you are striving for irony, that you are a masochist who longs for the sweet sweet release of vitriol that should be spewed upon you for that comment. To paraphrase an old comment about Ryan Phillipe "Chris Klein is an actor who may best be suited for silent gay porn". Ryan Reynolds is cool, but that movie was not underrated...or overrated, but rated right where it needed to be, in the wide ranging, yet ultra specific field of suck."

Anyhoo, to each his own. And I would probably fight you to the death over Ryan Reynolds.

Posted by: AM at August 26, 2008 12:55 PM

You can hand your male card over to me---I'll take good care of it.

Posted by: NeoCleo at August 26, 2008 4:00 PM

Okay, I'll bite. What's WIMB, and what has Rumer Willis done that makes her an awful person?

Posted by: sva1994 at August 26, 2008 5:05 PM

Okay, I'll bite. What's WIMB, and what has Rumer Willis done that makes her an awful person?

Posted by: sva1994 at August 26, 2008 5:05 PM

Your WIMB question was answered about four clicks of the "PgUp" button ago. I'm actually more interested in tackling your Rumer Willis query.

She is the epitome of fame-by-association. She has yet to display a discernible iota of talent, unless you believe public drunkenness is a marketable skill. Her head still bears the indentations from the beatings with her parents' monogrammed ugly stick, yet now the hype machine would have us believe that she is a "beauty".

Dammit. Now I have to go chop my fingers off for even writing about that zombie...

Posted by: Che Grovera at August 26, 2008 6:49 PM

-- i'd genuinely be curious to see if anyone else has noticed this trend in dustin's reviews...

Posted by: elle at August 26, 2008 10:59 AM

See my comment above about Dustin needing to get a testosterone injection.

Posted by: JP at August 27, 2008 12:34 AM

I think you confused Wesleyan and Wellesley. Wellesley is the all girls one.

Posted by: JIH at August 28, 2008 8:12 PM

I took this movie for what it's supposed to be: mindless entertainment. I thought it was funny. I'm not leaving with a changed outlook on life and how I approach men. The only people who are stupid enough to idolize a movie like this are the ones who will look and act like airhead skanks with or without this movie.

Posted by: K at September 6, 2008 12:05 PM

Why was I not surprised Adam Sandler was somehow involved. I used to think P. Diddy was Satan but it might actually turn out to be Mr. Sandler.

Posted by: Trent880 at September 8, 2008 12:42 PM

You know what? You are the most retarted person ever if you don't like that movie!!!!! OK? You don't need to make stupid sites like this just because you don't like something! That is the best movie ever! And you people are a bunch of idiots! You don't a good movie if you think this sucked! It is funny and it is not just about sluts! You guys are losers and have too much time on your hands! Get a life!

BEST MOVIE EVER!!!!!!!!

P.S. The seven sorority girls are so beautiful!


LOSERS!!!!

Posted by: Mallory! <3 at September 9, 2008 9:47 PM

btw,

I have seen that movie 4 times in theatres!!!!! And the second it comes out I will go out and buy it!!!!

Posted by: Mallory (again) :) hehe at September 9, 2008 9:50 PM