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Horton Built My Hotrod

Horton Hears a Who / Dustin Rowles

Film Reviews | March 14, 2008 | Comments (74)


Dr. Seuss’ Horton Hears a Who is a funny little book, and for those searching for deep allegorical meaning within the illustrated children’s poem, it’s hard to make sense of it, try as I might. The pro-lifers, famously, have used Horton the Elephant’s maxim, “A person’s a person no matter how small” to support their own agenda, but obviously that’s horribly misguided; at best, it’s completely unintentional (Theodor Geisel’s widow has, in at least one case, brought suit against pro-lifers for attempting to co-opt the phrase). And aside from that one suggestion, there’s nothing else in the source material to support it.

I suppose if you wanted, you could also ascribe some religious meaning to it, too. You could argue that Horton was some sort of Seussian Jesus, an elephantine prophet who insisted — in the face of a jungle full of kangaroo and monkey naysayers — that God did exist, even if you couldn’t see or hear him. But the book’s ending mucks all that up, if only because no one actually believed until they heard for themselves, hardly an endorsement for the existence of God since religious folks are supposed to act on blind faith before proof is offered up (unless the town of Whoville somehow represents the Second Coming). Hell, I suppose that Neocons hoping to recruit a new generation of lil’ Cheneys could also abuse Horton Hears a Who, pointing to it as evidence that there are, in fact, WMDs in Iraq — they’re just hidden on little bitty specks of dust waiting to be found. Right?

Screenwriting team Ken Daurio and Cinco Paul (College Road Trip, The Santa Clause 2) take a slightly different tack with the big-screen version of Horton by thematically making the movie about the powers of imagination. They frame the Kangaroo (Carol Burnett), the Wickershams, and Vlad the Eagle, et al., as cynics hellbent on destroying independent thought, throwing the world of make believe in a beezlenut stew. That theme, however, also seems to backfire for the same reasons that using Horton as a religious allegory fails, namely that no one is convinced otherwise until proof is marshaled, seemingly proving the cynics’ point that, unless it can be seen or heard, it does not exist. And therefore, humbug to imagination.

So, I’m throwing my hands in the air and giving up on a deeper meaning, which I think Theodor Geisel would appreciate. Horton Hears a Who isn’t a political or religious allegory, it’s not a right-wing metaphor or communist propaganda, it’s just a great little book about tolerance and friendship, about helping someone in need, and about putting aside stubborn pride and asking for help when you need it. It’s a simple, sweet story about community, about rallying together to further humanity — or, er, who-manity. The point is: Adults should lay the fuck off, and stop trying to impute higher meaning to a kid’s story in furtherance of their own beliefs.

And if your bitchy core is hoping that the filmic version of Horton Hears a Who is another capitalistic assault, an exploitative rape on your childhood, I’m sorry to disappoint you. It is, at best, a bruise on your fond preadolescent memories. It shouldn’t even be spoken of in the same sentence as the other two Seussian shit trawlers, The Grinch Stole Christmas and The Cat in the Hat. Directors Steve Martino and Jimmy Hayward (the latter of whom was plucked from Pixar’s animation department) eschew live-action and present Horton Hears a Who as it should be, in splendid, vibrant animation, and my God (!) it’s amazing, perfectly capturing the illustrations on Dr. Seuss’ page. Above all else, Horton is gorgeous to look at, lush and lively, and it’s obvious that Hayward brought over at least the Pixar spirit when adapting the book.

It’s not a bad story, either. Even in the audio book version (well read by Dustin Hoffman, now available on ITunes!), it’s only 17 minutes long, but the writers responsible for College Road Trip must have had their brain cells grow three sizes while writing Horton. It’s not exactly genius, but it is inoffensive, and they manage to fill an entire 90 minutes while not only maintaining the spirit of Dr. Seuss’ book, but avoiding a lot of silly extraneous material (or noxious musical numbers). The biggest addition is the world of Whoville, looked over by its bumbling, kind-hearted Mayor (Steve Carell), who is easily the best part of the movie. After Horton discovers the speck and hears, with his large elephant ears, the screams of the mayor (after he inadvertently staples his own head), Horton and the Mayor strike up a conversation, gradually convincing one another of their existence — the Elephant is reluctant to believe there is an entire world living on a speck, while the Mayor only begrudgingly comes to believe that his civilization exists on a particle of dirt, on a clover, protected by an elephant. However, after talking it over with a Whoville scientist, Dr. Mary Lou Larue (Jamie Pressley), they surmise that their speck-world needs stability, lest it explode. So, the Mayor convinces Horton to help find a safe place for their civilization, a promise that Horton agrees to make.

The problem, unfortunately, is that the Kangaroo (Carol Burnett), a cynic with the personality of one of those religious nuts who wants to burn gays at the stake (she “home poaches” her little Jo Jo), doesn’t want anyone believing that anyone lives on that speck. I don’t really understand why — perhaps the existence of other worlds upsets her television watching habits — but I’m not inclined to question it too hard. The important thing is that she wants the speck destroyed before Horton finds a safe place for it, so she recruits Vlad the Eagle (Will Arnett, who is kind of perfect for voice work) and his razor-sharp teeth to make ash of the dust speck.

As Horton makes his way toward a cave on the highest peak in Nool, where he intends to relocate the speck, the lynch mob of monkeys and jungle creatures sharpens its knives and fires up their torches; meanwhile, the Mayor of Whoville tries to convince the city council that their world is in danger. If you’ve read the book, you know how it ends (with a giant Yawlp!) except that the book doesn’t include the over-the-top musical number, but I’m inclined to begrudgingly forgive the film for even that because it’s REO Speedwagon’s “Can’t Fight this Feeling,” and if you don’t love that song deep down inside, well, in the (apt) words of Samantha Power, “You’re a monster.”

Though the quality of an animated feature is usually inversely proportional to the mainstream popularity of the celebrities voicing the charactes, Horton also defies that rule. On the whole, the voice talent — Seth Rogen Isla Fisher, Amy Poehler, Jonah Hill, Will Arnett, and Carol Burnett, among others — is pitch perfect, while Steve Carell stands out amongst them all. Unfortunately, subdued though he is here, Horton the Elephant still suffers from a little too much of Jim Carey’s brand of muggy obnoxiousness. He’s not terrible, but he’s not reigned in as much as he should be, and I think any number of big names could’ve done a significantly better job of it. Still, not even comedic Carrey could do enough to fuck up Horton. It’s not on the same level as Pixar’s offerings, but outside of that almost perfect world, it’s about as good as you can expect. Most importantly, much of Dr. Seuss’ original poetry, narrated by Charles Osgood, is kept intact, loopily fueling the story right along.

Dustin Rowles is the publisher of Pajiba. He lives with his wife and son in Ithaca, New York. You may email him, or leave a comment below.


Joe Dirt | Pajiba Love 03/14/08





Comments

I can't wait to see it!! Thank God it's not another heaping pile of Who-poo by Mike Myers.

Posted by: typingelbow at March 14, 2008 2:56 PM

I loves me some Dr. S.

Also, I never experienced Carrey backlash. He'll always have a special place in my heart.

Posted by: Kevin Longrie at March 14, 2008 2:56 PM

What percent of the jokes actually follow through? Because the trailer was batting straight zero on humor.

a cynic with the personality of one of those religious nuts who wants to burn gays at the stake (she "home poaches" her little Jo Jo), doesn't want anyone believing that anyone lives on that speck. I don't really understand why

"home pouches"

Also, shrill irrational people who want to dump on other people's happiness for no discernable reason? Yeah, I don't understand it either, and it's totally realistic.

Posted by: twig at March 14, 2008 3:00 PM

No. I'm sorry, but as soon as I saw the first trailer, I had this sickly feeling in my stomach. I appreciate that it's not as horrifically horrible as the previous two attempts to bring Seuss to the modern world, but that's the only thing I can say going for it from my perspective.

It does look beautifully animated, it does sound beautifully voice-casted (except for Carrey, who really should just stop...now...everything)...but I cannot watch the trailer without that sensation of sick coming up. I don't think it's that I feel it's taking advantage of (i.e. raping) my childhood memories, I just feel it's a little too sweet and schmaltzy and overdone.

Maybe I'm just being unreasonable, and I accept that. I won't protest (possibly) too much if my friends or family decides to go see it this weekend, and I'll even pay to be shown that I'm wrong...but, I get the feeling that I won't be.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 14, 2008 3:08 PM

OK, so this won't suck, but I'm still leery of Jim Carey's voice-mugging. Ugh, he can yoink a movie around with just his goddamn voice!

Horton is supposed to be a sweet, trusting pachyderm (see "Horton Hatches an Egg"). He needed a gentler voice. Everything else seems spot-on, though.

Screw those religious nuts trying to steal yet another children's treasure to suit their beliefs. Bravo to Mrs. Geisel for giving the pro-lifers the lawful middle finger.

A great supplement to your Dr. Seuss collection would be "The Secret Art of Dr. Seuss". The man was an artistic genius.

Posted by: numchuck at March 14, 2008 3:11 PM

You know, I had a feeling that this one wouldn't be horrible. Last night, I was watching a mini promo about it; they were talking about the history of Who-Ville (quit laughing, I was bored) and it didn't seem obnoxious, just harmless.

I'll skip this, I'm glad it's not as God-awful as The Cat in the Hat was, as the trailers for that left me huddled in a corner, rocking back and forth, hoping I wasn't seeing what I was seeing.

Fucking Mike Meyers. I'm still angry at him.

Posted by: Brie at March 14, 2008 3:16 PM

It will still never compare to my beloved crude animation taped off the television sometime in the early 80s'

Godtopus, I loved watching that when I was little

Posted by: Bethy at March 14, 2008 3:16 PM

With exception of the unending schilling of this movie and the fact that i was held at gunpoint in my local laundry, forced to watch Oprah with her custom-built Horton set for the show, while my jeans were tumbling dry...I'm kind of happy that this doesn't suck horribly.

But i now want to blow up Illinois. So i have that going for me. Thanks Oprah!

(who else needs a drink??!!!??!!!)

Posted by: PissBoy at March 14, 2008 3:16 PM

Whatevs. I'll take the kids, 'spose, and I'll probably enjoy it, if even just a little bit. But it needs to just stop now. And so help me, if there's ever a Star-Bellied Sneetches movie, I will freak right the fuck out.

Posted by: Mella at March 14, 2008 3:19 PM

A big deal is being made of this movie here in Orlando (where culture shrivels in the sweltering heat). A section of Universal Studios is named after Dr. Seuss, so now there are Hortons walking around everywhere. I almost ran into one this morning in my car.

That being said, I will probably see this with my nieces and nephews. Glad to know I won't have to suffer too much.

Posted by: Trouble at March 14, 2008 3:20 PM

Good animation? Check
Good talent? Check
Good review? Check

All requirements met. Taking my kid tomorrow.

Nice review DR.

Posted by: Riles at March 14, 2008 3:22 PM

I'm not as familiar with this book as I am with other Seussian offerings so I don't hold any special associations with my childhood, but for the sake of my beloved Steve Carell I'm glad this will be a sweet little movie for kids.

(who else needs a drink??!!!??!!!)

Meeeeeeee. 138 minutes and counting to gleefully chugging margaritas in front of my pregnant friend!

Posted by: Julie at March 14, 2008 3:22 PM

A Star-Bellied Sneetch movie? Dear Lord, I bet it's already in the works.

And now my soul will die.

Posted by: Trouble at March 14, 2008 3:24 PM

"The point is: Adults should lay the fuck off, and stop trying to impute higher meaning to a kid's story in furtherance of their own beliefs."

Can I get an A-fucking-men?

My beloved Alice in Wonderland was given this same treatment in a 1999 TV adaptation, turning it from a crazy, multi-layered, genius story about nothing into an uplifting "Self-esteem, Now!" piece of schlock.

Can't a children's book or film be entertainment, pure and simple? Why is it that the grown-up world insists upon slapping a moral lesson on everything? Grrrrr.

Anyway, good to know this is suitable Little Pink home viewing material. He'd love all the animals. We're waiting for "Wall-E" to give him his first cinema experience.

Posted by: Alabamapink at March 14, 2008 3:27 PM

Apropos of nothing: Has anyone else noticed that Paul Giamatti as John Admans looks like Gene Simmons? Weird.

Posted by: biscuits@yahoo.com at March 14, 2008 3:36 PM

PFT! HA! Julie has 138 minutes! Julie has 138 minutes!!! HA! I have 22. And counting...

Posted by: PissBoy at March 14, 2008 3:38 PM

I will kill you. Fucking hell, dinner reservations aren't till 7:00. Someone named me is picking up wine on my way home from work and downing that bitch while waiting for my friends to get to the god damned restaurant.

Posted by: Julie at March 14, 2008 3:44 PM

22 minutes?

I'm thinking of leaving now.

Posted by: tt_marie at March 14, 2008 3:45 PM

Most importantly, much of Dr. Seuss' original poetry, narrated by Charles Osgood, is kept intact, loopily fueling the story right along.
Sold.

Posted by: Spender at March 14, 2008 3:51 PM

Holy crap, people, its barely past lunchtime here. Quit teasing me with your margaritas, dammit.

Posted by: nancy at March 14, 2008 3:55 PM

ding a ding dang my dang a long ling long

Ding dang a dong bong bing bong

Love the Ministry reference,

ding a ding dang my dang a long ling long

Ding dang a dong bong bing bong

Posted by: Max at March 14, 2008 3:57 PM

3 minutes.

Horton heard a Who.

I'm hearing carbombs.

Posted by: PissBoy at March 14, 2008 3:58 PM

In my junior year of high school, we had to write some BS thesis to graduate. My topic: How Dr. Seuss' books could be construed as communist rhetoric.

It was awesome.

Posted by: Amanda at March 14, 2008 4:00 PM

I'm hearing carbombs.

Oh my sweet Guinness and Bailey's soaked Jesus, have one for me. :(

Posted by: Julie at March 14, 2008 4:03 PM

Soon I discovered that this rock thing was true. Jerry Lee Lewis was the devil. Jesus was an architect previous to his career as a prophet. All of a sudden, I found myself in love with the world. So there was only one thing that I could do...
.....ding a ding dang my dang a long ling long.

Peace out homies!!! Get pissed this weekend!

Posted by: PissBoy at March 14, 2008 4:03 PM

damn you PissBoy...still got another 2 hours to go...

Sniff...my gin is sitting at home, lonely, pining for me...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 14, 2008 4:06 PM

Ah ha ha ha! My boss said we could leave early! Aaaannd I'm off to the Kyber to get my beer on.

Posted by: Julie at March 14, 2008 4:09 PM

Twig also found the "poach/pouch" one, and I'd add this:

"but he's not reigned in as much as he should be, " should be "reined in."

And this: "Seth Rogan Isla Fisher," apparently some as yet unknown performer who's combined the names of two other actors.

These plus the "Joe Dirt" piece -- time to wake the proofreader.

Posted by: Brett at March 14, 2008 4:11 PM

Dustin - I don't think you're old enough to understand or appreciate any hate that rightfully exists towards REO Speedwagon as a band, and that particular song, especially in a fucking DR. SEUSS movie adaptation.

If you are old enough to have every last one of your high school formal dance themes performed by either REO Speedwagon, Styx or latter-day, post-Gregg Rolie (crappy) Journey, or old enough to be forced to make-out with your girlfriend at parties to this stuff when all you wanted to do was make-out to Black Flag records (monstrous in it's own way, I know), then I apologize to you, but then ask if maybe it is YOU who are the monster, or possibly just pussy-whipped. *snicker*

I kid, but that song still sucks, especially in a DR. SEUSS adaptation. What's next - "Pour Some Sugar On Me" sung by Aslan? "In the Air Tonight" sung by Hagrid? Where do we draw the line? Where does this bullshit end?

To bring this glib and stupid post of mine to a close, you know I used to wholly embrace post-modernism, but now I just think it's an easy excuse for creative types to be lazy. Need to turn a 25 page children's book into a 90 minute movie? Have no fear, a big song and dance sequence featuring REO Speedwagon will do the trick nicely!

My apologies to all you Wordfuls, or whatever you Pajiban Elites are calling yourselves these days.

I kid. I kid. I don't have any kids, nor...Ach, now I've forgotten what I was fighting for...

Posted by: Mohaski at March 14, 2008 4:12 PM

Nice, we Dr. Seuss fans deserve a faithful adaptation to his work in the form of movies. I wonder though, will anyone every try to adapt Seussical into a movie or is that not really anyone's problem?

Posted by: Kamakaze Feminist at March 14, 2008 4:19 PM

Just want to chime in with my 2 cents...what about John Goodman instead of Jim Carrey? I loves me some big-guy warm bass...suitable for a sensitive pachyderm, no?

Posted by: tamara at March 14, 2008 4:23 PM

hmm...pass. I liked Dr Suess as much as the next kid when I was younger, but thats just it-seems like a children's movie. That, and my friend who has unbelievably shitty taste in movies is DYING to see this one. That can not be a good sign.

Posted by: peanut at March 14, 2008 4:47 PM

Kamikaze, Seussical rocks. I'm directing a production of it right now. Anyone looking for a faithful, charming, touching retelling of about 10 Seuss tales should go check this musical out when you get a chance. Seussical bombed on Broadway, but it's doing really well in community theatre. It's like Into the Woods for Dr. Seuss fans.

Posted by: Sheri at March 14, 2008 4:51 PM

Kick-ass review...

Gives me hope for my animated feature - "Whoreton Hears a Ho"... Yeah, I'm pretty excited. It's about a colony of pube-crabs living a peaceful existence in the Humid Black Forrest, when one day, Mayor Whoreton of Pubesville hears a horrible moaning. Upon further discovery, he's astounded to find that his entire world and all he knows revolves around the antics of a kuh-raazy Ho named Violet.

Violet, as luck would have it, is tired of all the scratchin' and decides to shave her business, which means certain doom for those of Pubesville. So, it's up to Mayor Whoreton to figure out a way to find a new forrest before the "Dreadedwaxing", a beast of mythical proportions, destroys all he's every known.

Oh yeah, it's an animated porn... I'm not ashamed.

What the hell time is it? Minutes... moving... too... slow...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at March 14, 2008 4:55 PM

My kindergarden teacher "...so remember, kids; sometimes you may feel that no one is listening to you 'cause you're so little, but people do hear you, and care very much about you, and will help you with anything you need. All ya havta do is squeak. Can you squeak?"

36 classmates arranged on the story mat: "SQEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAK!!!"

I'll never forget Ms. Clay.

Posted by: that bees chick at March 14, 2008 5:04 PM

Wow - didn't see that coming. Was expecting to read some vicious attack on over the top hamming by Mr. Carey and Co. Nice to hear this might actually be ok. When does Green Eggs & Ham come out - I lways loved that one and the one witht kid with all the hats (forget that one's name)

Posted by: Brian at March 14, 2008 5:05 PM

Skittimus...where do you come up with this stuff? I'm in stitches...that was great! Put me down for two tickets when it comes out.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 14, 2008 5:15 PM

I am not convinced. The trailers looked terrible. And the writers...College Road Trip. Blech. The book takes about 20 minutes to read, and the writers have had to fill in over an hour. Those douches are not fit to carry Seuss's jock strap. I hope the Seuss family members who sold out, and are destroying his legacy are happy with all of their precious money.

Posted by: jenn at March 14, 2008 5:18 PM

I'm ignoring the existence of this movie. The mere mention of Carrey's Grinch sends me into a foul-mouthed tirade on the complete hypocrisy inherent in making a sweet little story about how possessions are not the point of Christmas into a fucking commercialism-driven, Happy Meal-targeted, action figure-marketing piece of zebra shit.

*ahem*

Hollywood had better just stay away from the Lorax, that's all I'm sayin'.

Posted by: Nicole at March 14, 2008 5:18 PM

I am so glad that this movie got a decent review. I had promised my 6 year old that we would see this when it came out. I was dreading having to go, let alone pay money to see it, ever since suffering through the craptacular Grinch Who Stole Christmas. I'd rather have a hot sauce enema than to sit through 90 minutes of Jim Carey dropping a cinematic super-turd on another Dr. Seuss favorite.

Posted by: Pudenda at March 14, 2008 5:35 PM

Amen, Nicole. I hated "Grinch" for that very reason and my stomach knots up at the thought of what Hollywood could do to my beloved Lorax.

Posted by: theotherboo at March 14, 2008 5:49 PM

It would be weird if they tried to do The Lorax, and I hope they don't. I still get teary when I see the Lorax "lift himself up by the seat of his pants" and float away.

Posted by: Brie at March 14, 2008 5:57 PM

One of my anthropology professors looks EXACTLY like the Lorax if he was human. Seriously, it's awesome. Huge bushy mustache and all. He puffs himself up whenever you ask him a question in adorable Lorax fashion.

He doesn't speak for the trees, but he did have a torrid love affair with some chick in Africa. Close enough.

Posted by: Dingles at March 14, 2008 7:05 PM

I used to have the most rocking-est tee. On the front it said "I am the Lorax" and the back said "I speak for the trees." I wore it so often that it fell apart. *sigh*

Posted by: Nicole at March 14, 2008 7:27 PM

Bring it on Pissboy, this Chi-town girl will bitch smack you and your dirty boxers into next week! Arrogant ass. Don't you be blaming Oprah on us. This and another Jim Carey abortion.

God, now I need a drink.

Posted by: Lori at March 14, 2008 7:41 PM

Bleah. It's a little kids' story, with a miniscule amount of plot.

Garbage in, garbage out.

I never understood the Seuss love. Never will.

Posted by: Wednesday at March 14, 2008 7:43 PM

Saw it a mere 2 hours ago and it thoroughly entertained my 3 (4,7 & 10). I liked it too. My 4 year old has been counting down the days til March 14th and woke up this morning like a kid on xmas morning (yes, he watches a lot of tv).

I laugh at Dustin trying to find a message cuz I did the same and came to the same conclusion - fun for the family - nice, happy themes of friendship, perseverance and working together.

Jim Carrey did a great job - very NOT over the top (thank god).

Take the kids. You "Can't Fight the Feeling" of joy leaving the theatre.

Posted by: CM at March 14, 2008 7:58 PM

... did I spell "Forest" as "Forrest"?

...well, I most certainly did, didn't I?...

Very well then. I shall punnish myself by shutting down my computer and stepping out for a stiff drink. Such a stupid error!


... oh my, look as if I spelled "punish" wrong as well... CURSES!

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at March 14, 2008 7:58 PM

I don't know if I'll ever actually see this, but it's still nice to hear that it's an improvement over the last two. I never understood why they were adapted as live-action in the first place. As bad as they were though, I can only imagine how painfully awful something like The Butter Battle Book would be, with Jim Carrey or Mike Myers running around foaming at the mouth and hamming it up.

Posted by: Sarina at March 14, 2008 8:43 PM

This movie looks really cute, and I'm glad you thought it was pretty good. We're taking the kids at my daycare to a movie during spring break, so I hope we see this one.

ps. Wednesday, what exactly makes kid's literature "garbage?"

Posted by: KatyBelle at March 14, 2008 8:57 PM

I'm kind of irritated that you are sort of making me want to see this movie.


...Don't let this happen again.

Posted by: greer at March 14, 2008 9:01 PM

you damn pajibas, always trying to push your fucking liberal atheist agenda, just watch the fucking movie and tell me if you enjoyed it or not, you're not a college professor you dickhead

Posted by: joe sixpack at March 14, 2008 10:13 PM

Just out of curiousity here, but for any Seussamophobes out there - has anybody seen/read "Hooray for Diffendorfer Day"?

It's not a "classic" in any sense of the word, but... kay, names are gonna escape me here - the guy that illustrated "The True story of the Three Little Pigs (as told by A. Wolf)", as well as... "Stinky Cheese Man" and... uh... I think his name's Layne somethingorother... anyhow, he did a book - a book Seuss never saw through to publication - and based on the preliminary sketches and what have you, he completed it (with approval, of course)... Anyhoow - It's a great friggin' story, and a great illustrative work, and should any Seussopuszombies not have this in their collection, it's worth checking out...

(As is my above-mentioned animated adult film - "Whorton Hears a Ho" - in sleazy theaters nationwide - ages 18 and up - please cum dressed in character)

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at March 14, 2008 10:23 PM

Twig: I was trying desperately to figure out why, in a nice family movie, some crazy bitch would be poaching little JoJo. Thanks for the correction.

Tamara: John Goodman would be an excellent elephant.

And I got your a-fucking-men right here, Alabamapink, and a Hallelujah to back it up. Why can't silly kid shit just be silly kid shit? Or rather, why can't (ass-puckered) adults just let it be?

Posted by: OhRosieMyGirl at March 14, 2008 10:46 PM

Stinky Cheese Man

Skitt, that is one of my most favoritest (yep) children's book ever. EVER. I can't wait to buy it for my knocked up girlfriend.

Posted by: Julie at March 14, 2008 10:54 PM

1)REO? Yeah, I'm that monster then. Next.

2)If I were work-a-day voice actor, I'd be foaming at the mouth right now. Why have a competent voice actor actually perform the duties um...competently, when you can pay people who don't have a clue as to what they're doing come in and queer the whole deal? And pay them more to do so? Yeah, money, I know. But these celebrity-voiced shit-ships never convinced me, even when I was young enough, to believe that I was listening to anything other than Robin Williams AS The Genie! I'm sure Jim Carrey is aching for the paycheque, too.

3)Good for Mrs. Geisel nuthin'. She sells film rights to MIKE MYERS and JIM CARREY! NUTHIN'!!!!

4)I'm not looking for quality here, if I want to watch a good movie, I'll watch BAD NEWS on the YouTube. But I remember seeing the trailer for this last July (the last time I let myself get taken to a movie theatre, as I now remember), and the cartoon characters were mimicking the awful scene-chewing obnoxious mug-fuckery that is synonymous with JIM FRAGGING CARREY! Why didn't they just rotoscope the animation over his stupid face? How about THE NUMBER 23--with a bullet! How can I think of Horton as gentle when I want to smash him!

FECK!

Adam Sandler IS The Lorax

Dane Cook IS Sam I Sammiches--because we had to PUNCH IT UP A LITTLE. YOU KNOW? PUNCH?

Gwenyth Paltrow's condescending sigh IS Yertle the Turtle

Scarlett Fucking 'Baby-Deprived of Oxygen' Johansson's Lifeless FUCKING Fish Eyes ARE IVAN KARAMAZOV

Lindsay Lohan's upcoming legging line READS Marcus Aurelius' Meditations

THE SENTIENT SNOT OF JESSICA ALBA RECITES PARADISE LOST

AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Fetch me my Hunnic bow!
Fetch me my long-bow!
Fetch me my Strongbow!
Fetch me my Ice Lolly!
Bring me the head of James Carrey!!

Horton does not crack wise, Horton does not post-modernly raise his eyebrow, I'm going to have an embolism! I don't care about the power of imagination, I just want the results! FUCK! You know, not having enough to eat when I was little meant that I had to my ass over to the library to gets me some extra entertainment.

Good thing thing too. I'm pretty sure Michael Bay is going to be playing Jesus in an upcoming screen version of the B-Dot.

SONS OF BITCHES, BUMPASSES!

I have so much rage, and I'm choosing to direct it at the media, I'm so sick of school, now I have a respirtory infection, Toronto is too fucking expensive, I'M TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4) ALSO, what is Dr. Seuss without his specifically Seussian language? But it's not text written on Mike Myers ass, is it Mrs. Geisel, so how would you know? I didn't even know this movie was coming out until I saw this, now I've decided to have feelings about it!

5) Back to Speedwagon. Can you say misplaced? Well, you saw the film, Dustin, not me, so you'd know, but I'm still going to be Field Marshall Slag and say it has no place here. Remember when 'All Star' showed up in every movie for like seven years? WHAT WAS THAT? Is that how we're scoring our films now? By the 'That's Familiar' criterion? I won't have this, I think viscera might be seeping out of my ear!

So, so, what now? Should they have stuck in that awful 'Yop' song as a homophone for 'Yawlp'?

'Gimme 'Yawlp', me mama, 'Yawlp', me mama!'

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I have to stop this, my protoplasm is quivering in demonic ways, and my fever might come back. Turn down grad school twig, they're all maniacs!!

Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Besser at March 14, 2008 11:25 PM

Nicole, I have that tee too! I lurve me some Lorax. They make that into a live action movie and I'll steal the murder tank myself and be headed to Hollywood!
Can you imaging the pompous bullshit script they would make of the Lorax. Probably cast Ed Begley Jr. and Woody Harrelson in the movie.
Ok - I just hurt myself! I need some half and halfs stat!

Posted by: trixie at March 15, 2008 1:48 AM

I think Joseph Sixpack is a little nutso. But then again, who am I to call somebody a nutbag? Bottom line, you don't like the website, don't stick around... Do I go to NAMBLA's site and say thing like "y'all are a bunch o' fukin homersexals and ur gong to burn in hell"? No, no sir I do not. Do I visit Rachel Ray's site to shout shout things as "y'all are a bunch o' fukin yummo sammy evoo twats"? Again, no I do not. That being said - you don't like the site? Why bother reading through the rest of it just so you can make a dipshitty comment trying to insult the reviewer?

Then again, for I know, he's just being sarcastic. Maybe I'm a little moody - I slept wrong on Minimus and he's all crampy and cranky! Little guy can hardly move his turkey-claw... Look out - somebody's gonna get a massage!

I'm actually gonna go catch this tonight. I can't even remember the last time I saw an animotratered flick... Oh yeah, that Adam Sandler piece of Xmasanuka shit... I actually managed to pull one eyeball completely outta it's socket before I was escorted screaming from the theater...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at March 15, 2008 9:17 AM

Why would I spend $11.50 on a cartoon when I could just as easily spend it on a $10.00 crack whore and a schaefer.

Posted by: Pookie at March 15, 2008 11:55 AM

For all those talking about The Lorax: When I was a wee one, maybe grade 2 or 3, my class put on a play of The Lorax for Earth Day. I was a Brown Bar-ba-loot. All I really remember of it was brown tights, brown gloves and slippers, and brown fuzzy ears (I'm assuming I wasn't naked otherwise, probably a brown dress but I don't remember for sure). Damn, I loved those ears.

Posted by: Cuno at March 15, 2008 1:19 PM

My kids want to drag me to this movie, which I predict is a heinous piece of crap, and I cringe just thinking about it. They are begging to go to it. I've sat through some hideous kid-flicks, among them the Grinch movie, and oh, I have to wonder why - why do they do this to us innocent parents? What did we ever do to deserve this misery? It's horrible. But we'll see. I'm looking for reviews so bad it will justify my making the kids wait until the DVD comes out. But so far, Horton doesn't sound quite that awful. [Shudder].

I don't understand the myriad interpretations of what I see as a very simple story - not about what the reviewer concludes, either - I always thought it was about children needing to feel heard, needing to matter, in a world that dismisses them. That's what "a person's a person no matter how small" meant to me as a child.

Posted by: bluebird at March 15, 2008 2:00 PM

Cuno, I'm stealing that for my Halloween 2008 costume. Thanks!

Posted by: Nicole at March 15, 2008 5:07 PM

Tamara: John Goodman would be an excellent elephant.

For the record, John Goodman has done voice work for Disney in a number of movies, with the best being Monsters, INC. and The Emperor's New Groove. Emperor's New Groove is one of my favorite movies ever.

Squeak squeak

Posted by: Melody at March 15, 2008 8:53 PM

okay, just saw it. didn't see any trailers for it before-hand. hated the other two seuss fuck-ups. and.....we loved it! the animation is absolutely gorgeous. i am a life long seuss reader/fan/collector and this movie was wonderful. the story stays (mostly) true to the original, but it's the animation that is so amazing!! it's like my seuss dream-world came to life! the voices were fine--but more importantly, the voices didn't take from the vision itself, which in this kind of movie is all one needs for it to succeed.

by-the-way dustin, she said "pouch-schooled" (not "home poaches" [and at that, i think you mean "home POUCHES]).

Posted by: maxpurr9 at March 15, 2008 11:46 PM

I agree, please, the Lorax speaks for the trees for the trees have no tongue. I can't even fathom that being made over. "Pour some sugar on me" as sung by Azlan, is priceless. I went to see Horton today with my 24 year old sister and my Mum, I am 27. I thought the movie was really visually wonderful and the story was remincient of a bible story. I think the best part of the screening was when the clover was about to be dropped into the oil and the little Roo grabbed it and gave the clover back to Horton. A little boy in the theater shouted "Alright! He gave it to him! Yes!" My whole family covered our mouths at the sweetness of it. I think it was overall a good representation and kept the kids engaged as well as myself.

Posted by: ab at March 16, 2008 1:27 AM

I never said kids' literature was garbage. That's too broad. I quite enjoy a lot of kids' literature.

Just not Dr. Seuss.

I find most stuff written for very young children mind-numbingly repetitive, and there is no charm in that AT ALL. Keep Dr. Seuss. And Eric Carle for that matter. The Cat in the Hat should be eaten by the Very Hungry Caterpillar with a follow-up dessert of Rainbow Fish.

I have no love for these things.

There are BETTER books for kids, even the littlest ones, there really are. Ones that don't want to make parents pluck their eyeballs out and serve them on cocktail forks if they have to read it ONE MORE TIME.

Dr. Seuss, to me, is the McDonald's of kiddie lit. A lot of people love it and it's easily accessible. But you wouldn't ever confuse it with fine dining.

Posted by: Wednesday at March 16, 2008 8:58 PM

I wasn't really looking forward to seeing this, but I was snatched up by my boyfriend's family (which included a 12 year old and an 8 year old) and escorted to the theater.

Horton Hears a Who was one of my favorite books as a kid, and I was terrified that it would get completely mangled by Hollywood. But! I have to agree with Dustin, it was quite well done, and everyone in my party thoroughly enjoyed it. The animation is truly beautiful, and I suspect that it is one of those movies that with repeated viewings, you notice more tiny details as well!

Posted by: Claire at March 16, 2008 10:51 PM

Max said:ding a ding dang my dang a long ling long

Ding dang a dong bong bing bong

Love the Ministry reference,

ding a ding dang my dang a long ling long

Ding dang a dong bong bing bong

The way to succeed... Alien Jourgensen sure is a funny fella.

Posted by: Adere at March 17, 2008 3:39 AM

I hear you Wednesday - god rainbow fish sucks - but I disagree with the Suess-as-cheap-eats concept entirely.

The Shape of Me and Other Stuff, There's a Wocket in My Pocket, Fox In Socks, Green Eggs and Ham, and Mr. Brown Can Moo, Can You? are still the most enjoyable to read to the kids (and I'm literally in my 5th year of it, with a two year old fan clamoring nightly for it). There is far more to them than story - the imagery is unpolished and unfettered in a way that is pretty inspirational - a unique voice (but maybe that's just my illustration fixation talking). The stories also show a really wide range of options to engage the child with the story organically. I get the sense that that crazy German guy really thought kids were cool. Most of the shit I come across reeks of 'humoring the wee ones for 10 minutes guaranteed!'.

Up against emotionally manipulative garbage like 'Love You Forever' Seuss stays fresh for a long time. I think kids need the weird of it, and yes, adults should stay the hell away from interpreting it. I'm glad the review for this is good, but then again, kids need to be steered away from the glossy/obsessive crap, and that is what this must be - the form dictates it. Movies never give you much in the way of imaginative grist to chew (reflective), whereas books (even simple, image driven ones) seem to engage kids in a much more nutritious way (projective).

Well, at least this ramble has been brought to you by someone who has been drawing little girls as princesses and fairies all damn 'birthday bonanza' week. Take it for what it's worth. Everyone we know got busy in July 2002 for some damn reason.

Posted by: replica at March 17, 2008 4:19 AM

Horton Hears a Who is actually about post-WWII Japan. Dr. Seuss is quoted as saying it. And Yertle the Turtle is an allegory of the rise of Hitler. The Butter Battle Book is about the nuclear arms race.

However, you can take so many meanings and mantras from Dr. Seuss's books which is what is so great about them. Dr. Seuss was so imaginative and creative and I think he intended for his readers to be the same way when they read his books. Everyone interprets his books different ways.

Posted by: Elizabeth at March 20, 2008 9:33 PM

Good review.

I'll go to be entertained, only. We can
be too serious, and this looks like it's
worth my time. Sounds like fun eye-candy
skillfully done... Nuttin wrong w/ that.

Posted by: gsherber at March 21, 2008 1:37 PM

"Bravo to Mrs. Geisel for giving the pro-lifers the lawful middle finger."

She only cares because they didn't pay her.

What do YOU think it means? "A Persons's a person No Matter how Small." ? Just because we can't see someone or they are very small then the large and powerful can destroy them for any reason or no reason at all ?

Posted by: Nicholas at April 13, 2008 12:21 AM

You're a douche bag.
After reading the first couple of paragraphs I don't want to finish reading.

I have reasons, but I won't bother explain them to a fool

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