free counter with statistics He's Just Not That Into You Review | Pajiba - Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People

2590_9010101320.jpg
Not a Dare-to-be-Great Situation in Sight

He’s Just Not That Into You / Dustin Rowles

Film Reviews | February 6, 2009 | Comments (145)

I watch an inordinate amount of romantic comedies. It’s a pain I bring on myself, of course; I’m the eternal optimist, hoping to find a decent one every few years, one that will bolster my spirits over the next few months and years until another slightly better than mediocre one comes along. But in my rom-com travails, I’ve discovered that there is one brand of romantic comedy that I loathe even more than the gimmicky, gotta-find-a-man variety. With atrocious movies like New in Town, 27 Dresses, Bride Wars or, undoubtedly, next week’s Confessions of a Shopaholic, at least they don’t pretend to be anything other than light and fluffy (though incredible insipid) entertainment; they’re wish-fulfillment films for simpering singletons or mindless escapism for smug marrieds. But He’s Just Not That Into You has got to be one of the absolute worst in recent memory. Why? Because it’s no better than Bride Wars or 27 Dresses, but it pretends to be. It pretends to be an insightful movie, one full of self-help witticisms and meaningful relationship advice. It’s not. It’s torturous drivel — a long series of platitudes wrapped around a wet, gooey center of suck. The only difference between this one and others is the sheer amount of Hollywood celebrities that were roped into playing bit roles and a two-hour plus running time, which only serves to belabor the film’s emptiness.

Given the number of familiar faces in He’s Just Not That Into You, I won’t bother to provide their character names — it’s just too much to keep up with. Ginnifer Goodwin is the film’s central character — she’s a pathetic, cyber-stalking romantic who obsesses over her dates’ every gesture and every word searching for its intended meaning. Her dates, quick to realize that she’s clingy and slightly neurotic, soon lose interest in her, and she spends her days suffering next to the phone and going over her experiences, rehashing her run-ins with her friends, playing the insufferable optimist. That is, until she meets Justin Long (who, by the by, was her love interest in “Ed,” as I recall). Justin Long acts as her male confidante — setting her straight on the inner-workings of the male mind until, of course, they realize that they’re meant for one another.

Meanwhile, Bradley Cooper is married to Jennifer Connelly. He’s an asshole who is also sleeping with Scarlett Johansson, who is, herself, leading on “Entourage’s” Kevin Connolly, keeping him as her safety in case things go awry with Cooper. Jennifer Connelly, who has some serious trust issues, tries to catch Cooper in a lie about smoking cigarettes, which inadvertently unravels his affair and simultaneously does in his relationship with Johansson. Elsewhere, Drew Barrymore is attempting to find her man online, trying to update her MySpace profile into a long-term relationship, while taking advice from her cadre of gay male friends.

It’s all remarkably stupid, and the constant self-reflection and sign reading could only be familiar to teenagers in 1992, back before mobile devices, text-messaging capabilities, and general online omniscience made it impossible not to glean your love interest’s intentions fairly quickly. The conversations that take place in the film — mostly by women in their late 20s and 30s — are very similar to conversations I had with friends when I was 15, before we wizened up enough to cut through the bullshit and stop wasting our lives checking to see if the phone cord was still attached to the phone (a gag played for laughs in He’s Just Not That Into You for something like the 892nd time in cinematic history).

Lookit: If you’re actually looking for relationship advice, let me offer you some by way of example. In a one year period in the early aughts, I was — for the first time since 9th grade — not in a lengthy relationship with anyone. That year, I spent five nights a week in a bar; I made out with a lot of women I never spoke to again; and I woke up several times in the Boston Commons. My life was cram full of drama, and it was the most miserable twelve months of my life. Then I met my wife; we went to a bar, where we spent six hours talking, drinking, and smoking ourselves hoarse. At the end of the night, I walked her to the subway and said I wasn’t interested in a mandated telephone call waiting period. I asked her to call the next day. She did, and we moved in together six weeks later. Now, I pick up my kid’s food castoffs every night, I put away the dishes, and try to find a few hours each week to watch “30 Rock” with my wife and read some alphabet book with my son. It is a dull motherfucking existence. I’ve never been so happy in all my goddamn life.

The point is: The best relationship advice is that there is no good relationship advice, and you sure as hell don’t need a self-help book or a movie to tell you that. It’s all bullshit. In fact, the only person in all of He’s Just Not That Into You that acquits himself well is Ben Affleck. In the film, he’s been living with Jennifer Aniston for seven years, unmarried and completely content with their marital tedium until she demands a proposal. There’s never any doubt in their tiny subplot that Affleck is in love with her, and he knows exactly what he wants: A return to their domestic tedium.

That’s why I think that Say Anything is the perfect romantic comedy: There is never any doubt as to the affection Lloyd Dobbler and Diane Court have for one another. They don’t have to overcome moments of weakness, commitment issues, or insipid miscommunications. They have to overcome circumstances. But as soon as Lloyd helps Diane over the broken glass, there’s not a question that they love each other. There’s no gamesmanship. No waiting by the phone. No big speech asking for forgiveness after a preposterous misstep. There’s just finding a way to be together. And that’s what’s wrong with most romantic comedies and, He’s Just Not That Into You, in particular: They complicate the courtship. But if the “that into you” is reciprocal, the courtship shouldn’t be particularly problematic. The rub is cutting through life to make it all work.


Dustin Rowles is the publisher of Pajiba. He lives in Portland, Maine with his wife and son. You can email him here or leave a comment below.


← The Biggest Paycheck Whores | Push Review →



Comments

Dude, write a romantic comedy, I would watch it I'm sure. Your sidebar of you meeting your wife and your dull existence had me hooked. Er..that's not sarcasm by the way.

OK, so, best romantic comedies ever, anyone? I feel like I have lost all faith in the genre.

Posted by: Carrie at February 6, 2009 4:21 PM

Rowles, you romantic bastard, I think I just fell a little in likelike with you.

And I hated this movie's guts. We get it, Hollywood. Women are retarded.

Posted by: Clee Shay at February 6, 2009 4:22 PM

Um, the fifth paragraph of this review is the most romantic thing I've read in months. THAT is a movie.

Posted by: Ginger at February 6, 2009 4:31 PM

I usually try to find ways to poke you in the eye, Rowles, but that's a fucking brilliant piece.

Posted by: hater from siloam springs at February 6, 2009 4:33 PM

You had to be single for one whole year?

I hope you have to review "He's Just Not That Into You"!!!

Posted by: Jay at February 6, 2009 4:35 PM

I trace all of our present day women trouble to the women's movement and the women's liberation uprising. I have no problem with buying you gals a dinner or two, or opening the door for you even though you have two arms just like me. But if we're out at dinner and I come up short on the bill, don't look at me like I'm crazy, help me out with the bill. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'll treat you right if you treat me right.

Posted by: Pookie at February 6, 2009 4:40 PM

Awwwwww! The romantic in me just squeed a whole fucking lot thanks to your story about how you met your wife. *Contented Sigh*

Sadly, I get the feeling that this movie, as well as pretty much every other movie coming out this weekend, will beat out Coraline. Because people suck.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at February 6, 2009 4:43 PM

I love Bradley Cooper. Why does he do this to me?

Posted by: Gabs at February 6, 2009 4:45 PM

I have to say, Dustin, that was incredibly well put. You basically just illustrated via movie what I tell all of my friends still searching for the one: You will know when it's right, because it will be easy.

I will probably end up seeing this tomorrow night after checking out the local galleries with a friend, but I expected nothing more than what you've said it is.

Posted by: TryScience at February 6, 2009 4:45 PM

I trace all of our present day women trouble to the women's movement and the women's liberation uprising.

I trace it to Myra Breckinridge.

So, same thing I guess.

Posted by: Sabrina at February 6, 2009 4:49 PM

Really? Is anyone seeing this movie for relationship advice? Because, if so, they're retarded. I can see bashing a movie because it's not funny/interesting/original, but because it doesn't provide good relationship advice? That's not a promise I think this movie makes. And "complicating the courtship" isn't just a fault of romantic comedies -- it's actually true of the majority of people looking for the right relationship.

Posted by: jimbob at February 6, 2009 4:49 PM

Actually, given that it's based on a book that DOES bill itself as a relationship advice guide, I'd say that's pretty spot-on in terms of the movie's intentions.

Posted by: I Love Beets at February 6, 2009 4:51 PM

Is anyone seeing this movie for relationship advice?

Well, there's a movie cause a whooooole lotta people bought the book, so...

Posted by: Jay at February 6, 2009 4:51 PM

So the movie is just as insipid and uncreative as the books I sold to hundreds upon hundreds of Oprah-loving I-eat-my-feelings singletons that came into Borders hoping that this fluffy drivel was as the answer to their low self-esteem.

He's just not that into you. You reek of desperation and have entirely too many cats. Get the fuck over it and deal like the rest of humanity does, heavy drinking and fucking strangers.

Posted by: Leigh Hacksaw at February 6, 2009 4:54 PM

So you know the pain then, Leigh.

Posted by: Jay at February 6, 2009 4:56 PM

I love Bradley Cooper. Why does he do this to me?

Because, Gabs, he's just not that into you.

Posted by: Couldn't help myself at February 6, 2009 5:06 PM

HEE!

Posted by: Julie at February 6, 2009 5:07 PM

"she's a pathetic, cyber-stalking romantic who obsesses over her dates' every gesture and every word searching for its intended meaning. Her dates, quick to realize that she's clingy and slightly neurotic, soon lose interest in her, and she spends her days suffering next to the phone and going over her experiences, rehashing her run-ins with her friends"

Yup. That was my best friend (an otherwise intelligent and beautiful woman) back in the 1990s. Do you have any idea how painful it is to be on the receiving side of those phone calls, especially when one is not the optimistic type?

Posted by: PaddyDog at February 6, 2009 5:09 PM

So, did this book that became a film originate with the Sex and the City episode, or did the Sex and the City episode get it from the book?

It's all a bit sad in any case really.

Posted by: Carrie at February 6, 2009 5:09 PM

It's all a bit sad in any case really.

Like watching a snake trying to swallow it's own tail. I think the combined franchises have consumed themselves.

Posted by: Leigh Hacksaw at February 6, 2009 5:12 PM

Oh snap.

Posted by: Madz at February 6, 2009 5:13 PM

If you "wizen up" (and it's pronounced either 'wizzen' or 'weezen,' not with a long i sound), it would mean you are becoming wrinkled. I don't think that is what you meant to say here.

Posted by: Meanwhile at February 6, 2009 5:15 PM

did this book that became a film originate with the Sex and the City episode

Yes, Greg Behrendt worked on the show.

Posted by: Jay at February 6, 2009 5:15 PM

So you know the pain then, Leigh.

Knew. Past tense. Now I'm just as schmaltzy and coupled up as Dustin. But should that pain come a knockin' again, I've got well developed coping mechanisms to take care of it.

Posted by: Leigh Hacksaw at February 6, 2009 5:16 PM

Noooo, silly, the pain of the book trade.

Now all of you stop throwing your happiness in my face! Jesus!!!

Posted by: Jay at February 6, 2009 5:18 PM

the pajiba rom-com would be awesome.

still im pretty sure the continuing decline of the rom com is down to the fact that if Hollywood makes an insipid piece of shit for 60ish million then itll make a profit as long as it has got:

a) woman who has been made famous by maybe one job and hundreds of headlines from one interview being misquoted in gossip mags.
b) a terrible pun of a title eg. maid in manhattan, what happens in vegas.

Basically the world is fucked when they cant put effort or thought into trying to draw one of the most complicated aspects of human existence and instead are trying to pander to our wallets and the loneliness that permeates our lives.

Posted by: jim at February 6, 2009 5:24 PM

Yes, Greg Behrendt worked on the show

Wow. So...people couldn't just watch that episode to take away all they needed to from it?

I am obviously missing the money making point here, but damn.

Posted by: Carrie at February 6, 2009 5:24 PM

A few weeks ago a co worker lent me the literary swill this movie stems from, and I have to say, Greg Behrendt is some kind of a moron. He uses totally conflicting ideologies & in the same breath tells women to refrain from asking out guys,and then immediately addends the statement by telling you to go find someone who treats you like a goddess. How are we supposed to accomplish that when we're informed to run - not walk - from a guy we like & connect with who hasn't had the time or gumption to ask us out himself? It's such a sneaky, manipulative way to tell women, 'You're independent, and beautiful, and amazing, but you better sit by the phone & wait for him to call you.'

I understand the common sense in not being a desperate nutjob, but if I like a fella, I'm not going to sit around & hope he blesses me with his magnitude & grace just on pins & needles waiting for the phone to ring- it's self defeatism!

I'm so glad I didn't waste money on this.

Posted by: Ninjajeje at February 6, 2009 5:27 PM

So...people couldn't just watch that episode to take away all they needed to from it?

Orrrrr just have a sense of the obvious, no.

My favorite genre are the management books. They often boil down to "Don't be such a fucking dick, alright?!?", and it seems people have to be told this.

But yes, common sense sells a shit ton of books. Wack ass flim flam does too, but those aren't as painful to witness.

Posted by: Jay at February 6, 2009 5:30 PM

When I'm into a girl, I'm deep in to her.

Just saying.

Posted by: L.O.V.E. at February 6, 2009 5:39 PM

I've been reading this site for a while, and I have to say that Mr. Rowles has produced some of the most inventive and vitriolic strings of curses I've ever come across.

But this...this is the most touching and honest review--or anything--that I've read in a while.

Well done.

Posted by: Kyle at February 6, 2009 5:42 PM

Dustin - I seriously teared up when I read that fifth paragraph. Beautiful. Brilliant. Thanks.

Posted by: prairiegirl at February 6, 2009 5:46 PM

The case for self-help books as self-defeating circle jerks: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

John Gray wrote it. He's been married twice. His first wife was Barbara De Angelis, noted self-help author, who has been married a whopping five times. All it takes is a phony baloney mail order degree to claim that you're a PhD in relationology. They are all hacks and they don't know any better than the next schmo about how to "snag a man." They just have better marketing teams to dupe the masses into a frenzy of ZOMG, HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO ME! IT'S SO SIMPLE! HAIL BERHENDT!

Posted by: Leigh Hacksaw at February 6, 2009 5:47 PM

Good on you Dustin. Your story sounds quite similar to my own. Thanks for the review too. I assume you would have told us if there was any nudity, so I shall save myself the pain.

Posted by: admin at February 6, 2009 6:02 PM

Because, Gabs, he's just not that into you.

HAHAHA. You for the win.

Posted by: Gabs at February 6, 2009 6:46 PM

Like any of expected anything other than a crap fest from this movie? I certainly didn't.

Posted by: Bunny at February 6, 2009 7:05 PM

So with you on the management books. I made the mistake of telling my company's president once that reading management books was a waste of time because I already *taught* dog obedience, and the principles are exactly the same.

That's the day I learned brutal honesty is not appreciated in the business world.

Posted by: Wednesday at February 6, 2009 7:16 PM

That's the day I learned brutal honesty is not appreciated in the business world.

But it bloody well should be.

Posted by: admin at February 6, 2009 7:24 PM

I do hate movies, books, TV shows that portray neurotic dipshits as the "hero" of the story, the person we're supposed to relate to and root for and whatnot. Like Carrie in "Sex and the City." That neurotic, can't-make-up-your-mind, "what is he thinking" bullshit gets old really fucking fast. Seeing 2 hours of it in one big lump sounds like something that should be banned by international law. I don't understand why supposedly intelligent women are entertained by it. I'm seriously considering writing a self-help book that will probably have only one page with this sentence on it: Pull your head out of your ass and realize everything isn't about YOU.

Now if only I can find someone willing to pay me a huge advance for that.

Posted by: Slash at February 6, 2009 7:42 PM

Yeah! And there's never any "what is she thinking?" books! That ain't right!!

Posted by: Jay at February 6, 2009 7:47 PM

the women's liberation uprising

[checks calendar]

[checks watch]

[listens for rumbling noise]

Yep. Right on time.

Posted by: rikkitikkitavi at February 6, 2009 8:04 PM

I was going to say the old "I refuse to watch this on the grounds that I still have a working brain" line, then the Trophy Wife says "hey, maybe we should see that".

FMyLife...

Posted by: Xtreme at February 6, 2009 8:16 PM

Saw this today in a 'oh, why not?' moment.

I was surrounded by giggling, sighing, 'low-down-dirty-dog'in women who clapped, yelped, giggled and sighed again with the happy plot tie-ups.

I just kept looking around in a WTF? gaze. Are women really this stupid? (and I AM one and a single one to boot)

And poor Jen Aniston ... hittin' 40 next week and already being shot with the Vaseline lens.

Posted by: J at February 6, 2009 8:27 PM

FMyLife...

Well, in that case...

Single and lovin' it!

Posted by: Jay at February 6, 2009 8:29 PM

I had absolutely no interest whatsoever in this movie, and yet I felt compelled to take a peek at what you had to say about it. And what do you know I read the whole thing, and was agreeing with you all along the way. Stupid games are what go on when the magic isn't there. When it is there, everything somehow falls into place.

Nice review and slice of life.

Posted by: Cindy at February 6, 2009 8:37 PM

Great review, Dustin. The last paragraph perfectly summed up everything that is wrong with these stupid formulaic movies. Just seeing the ads for this monstrosity made me ANGRY, specially every spot with Ginnifer Goodwin. All I wanted to do was slap her and just...grr. Fucking get smart, woman, or get thee to a nunnery.

Posted by: figgy at February 6, 2009 8:55 PM

admin, no--although there was a fair bit of ScarJo boobage, it didn't go full frontal.

I really need to hang out with some less-girly girls. Before this, the last two movies I've seen in theatre were SatC and Mamma Mia. *sigh*

There was not a character in that film that I didn't want to slap at one (or several) point(s) in the movie.

Argh.

I have wine now. I am happy.

Posted by: meaux at February 6, 2009 9:11 PM

Well done, Dustin. This movie and the book it's based on reminds me so much of all the moronic dating advice I received before I met my wife.

Are people going to watch this movie for advice? If the box office sales for Fireproof prove anything, it's that a portion of the population are desparate to listen to anyone for relationship, including Mike Seaver.

Posted by: branded at February 6, 2009 9:28 PM

It seems these people are trying to treat relationships like teenagers. Well I am a teenager, and I can safely say it sucks like a crack whore. Every single teenager is miserable, and there's a reason because of that. We're a bunch of idiots who pretend to understand we know how things work when we're just winging it.

Grow the fuck up, or you'll wind up like these rom-com people. Or worst case, the Dustin dubbed Satan's Vagina Katherine Heigl. Avoid that road at all cost's.

Posted by: George at February 6, 2009 9:30 PM

It seems these people are trying to treat relationships like teenagers. Well I am a teenager, and I can safely say it sucks like a crack whore. Every single teenager is miserable, and there's a reason because of that. We're a bunch of idiots who pretend to understand we know how things work when we're just winging it.

Grow the fuck up, or you'll wind up like these rom-com people. Or worst case, the Dustin dubbed Satan's Vagina Katherine Heigl. Avoid that road at all cost's.

Posted by: George at February 6, 2009 9:31 PM

George, you sound remarkably un-teenager-like and downright grown-up. You will do just fine, my friend. I like the cut of your jib, and will totally forgive the unnecessary apostrophe at the end of your comment.

Suspect that in the morning, I will feel like a total bitch for even mentioning it.

Posted by: meaux at February 6, 2009 9:39 PM

Arrrgh, correction, I'm hating my inner grammar nazi right now.....dude, I suck. Sorry.

Posted by: meaux at February 6, 2009 9:50 PM

Oh shit, how did I mess "cost's" up? Have I ever written a post without a grammar error?

Posted by: George at February 6, 2009 11:32 PM

to answer J's question ... there are plenty of women out there that are that stupid! they are the ones this movie was made for and they will show up and spend their money. they will be entertained for two hours, consume obscene amounts of popcorn, tell their stupid friends to see it and the producers will turn a nice profit.
dustin's review was terrific but not one of these women will read it or, if they stumble on it, give a damn.i don't mean to give a pass to the guys. stupid doesn't recognize gender boundaries and , in a perfect world, when the stupid woman drags her stupid mate to this romcom, he will peel off after buying the refreshments and turn into the theater showing " taken ", one of the most preposterous and stupid action flicks ever made. they can meet in the lobby afterwards and compare notes. just hope they don't breed.

Posted by: snake at February 7, 2009 12:48 AM

Firstly, who won the fuckin' zombie DVD contest?

Secondly, don't renege on me again this weekend, Rowles, you bastard.

Thirdly, I'd like to thank whoever it was recommended Ezra Brooks to me as a good cheap bourbon, cause it has me seriously fucked up right now. Well, not so fucked up I can't recognize typos, but fucked up enough.

Fourthly, Mrs. Daddy and I met purely by accident, and she gave me her phone # betting I wouldn't call her, and I called her bluff and called her, and the rest is history. And I love her sweet ass, and it AIN'T THAT HARD, WIMMEN!

Fifthly, will ... by God and Ezra Brooks, I completely forgot what fifthly was supposed to be.

I win.

Posted by: bucdaddy at February 7, 2009 12:57 AM

It is funny because I overheard (read: eavesdropped) on a woman talking to someone just the other day overanalyzing the courtship clues a man gave her. I always just think, poor thing, you aren't in a relationship with another person-- you are in one with your own mind. You should grow out of this after you get your heart broken once. When it happens, it happens, and all the work comes later.

Posted by: Rita at February 7, 2009 1:40 AM

If women only realized that they have the most expensive piece of real estate in the world between their legs they could rule the world. They don't want the Hope Diamond, no, they want some poor slob to call them after a boring ass date to validate their existence.

Posted by: Pookie at February 7, 2009 3:17 AM

Outta nowhere with another cheap shot at Liam! The man just cannot catch a break around here. It's almost shameful.

Posted by: Jay at February 7, 2009 6:32 AM

You guys are so wrong.

I watched He's... last night (which was sold out by the way) and loved it. Afterwards me and mates wnet home watched another chick flick(wont say which, lol) and got sodden wasted.

The point is, which most of you may or may not realise. The concept behind these movies are real. They happen, if not soppy happy endings. The emotions most of us go through over a guy is true. The constant pinning, the endless dissection with friends etc. It doesn't mean it sets women back years where for the most part of their lives men are the centrefold.

So let's stop kidding ourselves and admit that deep down we know women who still go through these emotions and jolly rides men put them through.

Y'all are just angry rom coms goes on depicting women in that category. You did like to think otherwise but you know.

Posted by: Jean at February 7, 2009 7:26 AM

Women like Jean describes don't deserve the GOOD men.

Posted by: bucdaddy at February 7, 2009 8:06 AM

"They happen, if not soppy happy endings"

Yeah honey, that's exactly what I want from a woman is a happy ending.

Posted by: Pookie at February 7, 2009 8:17 AM

Oh, Jean...we are painfully aware that such women exist, and I'm so glad my friends aren't among them. It's just that movies such as this seem to perpetuate and normalize this idiotic "I'm nothing without a man" mentality. They give hope to all of the self-perpetuating-drama queens out there that everything will come up roses if they just keep on playing head games.

bucdaddy, word. Well...sort of. In my humble opinion, it's not that these women don't deserve a good man, but rather the sort of men they attract are unlikely to be "good men". Just leave the drama back in high school (make that junior high--folks like George have already made that mental leap), and you're much likelier to attract men of the non-skeevy persuasion.

Posted by: meaux at February 7, 2009 8:47 AM

Listen to Pookie, ladies, he knows whereof he speaks.

Look, let me tell all you girls a little man's secret, K? You can get any man you want by announcing, "I am the best cocksucker in the room, and I am gold." Then walk up to the man of your dreams, kiss him full on the mouth and say, "Buy me a drink, asshole."

But when's the last time you did that? Hmmmm?

To what extent do women do "The constant pinning [sic], the endless dissection with friends etc." because movies like this piece of shite tell them they should? I mean, did women act like this before TV, movies and telephones were invented? Or did they get out there and hoe the fuckin' fields and milk the fuckin' cow?

Dear Men of the Universe: When an even remotely prospective mate acts like this, you should get down on your knees and pray to your God that all DANGER!!! WARNING!!!! signs in your life be as big as billboards, whether you pay attention to them or not.

Posted by: bucdaddy at February 7, 2009 8:48 AM

All I'm seeing in this review is Rowles trying push his immoral behaviors:

Living in sin
Fornication
Alcohol and Tobacco abuse

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 7, 2009 8:54 AM

I think I might find that a little unattractive, actually.

Posted by: Jay at February 7, 2009 9:17 AM

Daddy your training is now complete, when you left me you were but the student, now you are the master.

Posted by: Pookie at February 7, 2009 9:21 AM

It's "learner".

Posted by: Jay at February 7, 2009 9:26 AM

Say "learner" again. Say "learner" again, I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker, say "learner" one more goddamn time!

Posted by: Pookie at February 7, 2009 9:34 AM

If women only realized that they have the most expensive piece of real estate in the world between their legs they could rule the world. They don't want the Hope Diamond, no, they want some poor slob to call them after a boring ass date to validate their existence.


Posted by: Pookie at February 7, 2009 3:17 AM

Pookie, you validate me. You complete me.

Posted by: greer at February 7, 2009 9:43 AM

It's "learner".

Sorry, I'm at work and got delayed.

Posted by: Jay at February 7, 2009 10:21 AM

"It is a dull motherfucking existence. I've never been so happy in all my goddamn life."

A-fucking-men, Dustin. I'm a married Pajiban with 2 young daughters and you've summed up my entire life in 2 short sentences.

Posted by: Patti at February 7, 2009 11:35 AM

"Now, I pick up my kid's food castoffs every night, I put away the dishes, and try to find a few hours each week to watch "30 Rock" with my wife and read some alphabet book with my son. It is a dull motherfucking existence. I've never been so happy in all my goddamn life."




wait, I got something in my eye...

Posted by: slave of the page at February 7, 2009 11:36 AM

"Daddy your training is now complete, when you left me you were but the student, now you are the master."

*humbly bows* Thanks to you, Pookie-wan.

Posted by: bucdaddy at February 7, 2009 11:43 AM

I agree with you buc, I've been married for fifteen years now. My wife and I are two boring people in love with being boring, the level of contentment is through the roof. A day of excitement for us is going to lunch, then to JC Penny, then on to blockbuster, it may sound boring to some of you but we absolutely love it. I will admit it was a struggle when we first got married which was due to the both of us not being mature, but after a lot of work we were able to truly become a team. I could not imagine being with someone as awesome as my wife is.

Posted by: Pookie at February 7, 2009 12:15 PM

See, now you're just bragging. Come on, you know it's not easy for, uh......lemme see......Optimus and I.

Posted by: Jay at February 7, 2009 12:29 PM

"Optimus and I."

Optimus and ME. And don't infer anything about a relationship, I'm just relexively correcting grammar. It's my life, it's what I do. (See above re: my dull existence.)

Posted by: bucdaddy at February 7, 2009 2:47 PM

Wait, in his activities, did Dustin mention beating off to Ryan Reynolds? 'Cause he should.

Posted by: Burt Reynolds at February 7, 2009 3:00 PM

relexively?

Posted by: Jay at February 7, 2009 3:27 PM

Yeah, relexively. Why would you ... Oh, I see, apparently you don't own the OED in Urdu. So I guess you won't be using "relexively" properly anytime soon, illiterate savage.

Posted by: bucdaddy at February 7, 2009 3:47 PM

Savage, yeah! you tell 'im Buc.

I be relexing all the time.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 7, 2009 4:01 PM

Posted by: bucdaddy at February 7, 2009 8:48 AM

I hope this wasn't meant to be taken seriously, because what the fuck. Sure, if you want a one-night stand and a reputation as a man-eating SLUT, that sounds like the perfect approach. As for me, I'll be over here talking to my friends about the cute nerdy guy I'm hoping to "run into" on Sunday.

Posted by: Sabrina at February 7, 2009 4:56 PM

Sabrina,

I was exaggerating for effect, but only a little. I believe your better men find self-confidence and a bold attitude hot (sense of humor too, which I hope you're not exhibiting a lack of here). Women who spend their time nattering to their friends about guys they "hope" to run into instead of actually running into guys they want ... what's the point of that, exactly?

Posted by: bucdaddy at February 7, 2009 5:36 PM

Well, sometimes you just don't run into anybody, anywhere, ever. You can talk about it a little then. But, you know, you don't wanna get bogged down in it either.

Sure, I like women who'll initiate conversation. The cocksucking adeptness is a bit too compartmentalized an attribute for an introduction for me. Besides, I'm not buying anybody a drink that tells me to.

Posted by: Jay at February 7, 2009 5:57 PM

OK, I worded that wrong-I'm planning on running into him tomorrow, hoping it goes well. Obviously talking and talking without doing anything isn't gonna get you anywhere, but sometimes you need an outside opinion on whether or not you're being an idiot. Or you just really like someone and want to talk about it because it's fun. All girls do it, even the ones who don't watch crappy movies like this one, and there is a middle ground.

In conclusion, I'll have you know that I attract all my men with my sparkling repartee.

Posted by: Sabrina at February 7, 2009 6:04 PM

Women who run into Slim usually get nailed, humor, no humor, it's all the same ...as long as they have a nice rack.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 7, 2009 6:06 PM

Slim, I thought you knew that "sparkling repartee" was code for "fantastic boobies"...

Posted by: Sabrina at February 7, 2009 6:13 PM

"but sometimes you need an outside opinion on whether or not you're being an idiot."

Why should you care? "Oooo, I might get hurt." No pain, no gain, no guts, no pussy. Oh wait, that's for guys ...

Posted by: bucdaddy at February 7, 2009 6:31 PM

Why should you care? "Oooo, I might get hurt."

I'm on my way out, so I'm going to keep my response as short as possible: Yes.

Posted by: Sabrina at February 7, 2009 7:12 PM

That's too bad. Don't mean to be harsh, but you seem smart and brash and funny, and that's 3-for-3 with three homers. So it just puzzles me that you also seem insecure about making your own decisions.

Have a good time "out" while some of us are doing the work of the world.

Posted by: bucdaddy at February 7, 2009 7:15 PM

I find it amusing as all hell when people in relationships sit in judgment of everyone else who isn't. People who say, "I would hate to be single again. All the games, all the bullshit, getting used to someone else and their quirks, blah, blah, blah." The fact of the matter is, you participated in the bullshit at one time also, so to look down your nose and criticize someone else for doing the same thing is just fucking retarded.

I know a lot of married folks who are extremely happy with their lives of security, companionship, love and intimacy. I also hear them say that they miss the spark and the thrill of the chase and the amazing feeling of butterflies and anticipation & "oooh, does he/she like me? Why hasn't he/she called? Blah, blah, blah." Both are fantastic. Both hopefully happen to everyone eventually. Stop being a douche to people that it hasn't happened for yet.

Yes, I'm talking specifically to you, bucdaddy. That's fantastic that you're happy and involved and fulfilled. Some of us would like that also and hopefully we'll get there someday. Until then, maybe you could dial it down a notch and not recommend that the only way to "get a man" is to offer to suck his dick, m'kay?

And before any of you assholes (BSlim) ask if I'm PMSing, yeah, I fucking am.

Posted by: Lainey at February 7, 2009 7:51 PM

Lainey, could we start up our pretend, unknown and loveless internet relationship again? That tirade totally turned me on.

"I am the best cunning linguist in the room, and I am gold."

Posted by: admin at February 7, 2009 8:18 PM

Now get me a drink. Please.

Posted by: admin at February 7, 2009 8:19 PM

Lainey, I'm NOT PMSing, and I've got your back on this one. Walking up to a stranger in a bar to kiss him and announcing you're a great cocksucker - great way to get a guy, assuming you only wanted him for a night. It will definitely ensure that you're seen as someone who's only good for dick-sucking and such. It's a shitty double standard that requires twisty logic to understand sometimes.

It's those same shitty double standards that suggest no matter how much a woman may want to kiss a random guy, or make another equally awesome and bold move, she might be better off getting that outside opinion from her friends first.

Just not from this movie or book, from the look of them.

Posted by: Rebeck at February 7, 2009 8:24 PM

Apologies for the "smug married"-ness, my darling Lainey (and apologies to everyone for the Bridget Jonesism).

I totally get the appeal of the butterflies and anticipation and shiny-new-potential-relationship thrill, and as wonderful as Mr. meaux is, I will absolutely admit to a twinge of regret that those days are over. In fact, our relationship was so dramatically undramatic that I don't think those days ever really happened for me....*sigh* So, please believe me when I say I'm not looking down on singlehood from the high horse of my model marriage.

But the characters in this movie, Gigi especially, really took the drama to the extreme--the "Why hasn't he called?" just seemed to drown out everything else in their lives. Eek! Have some perspective, ladies--it's a game, not a life-or-death situation!

Posted by: meaux at February 7, 2009 8:31 PM

I don't know, admin. I have to consult with my girlfriends first. I need to parse EVERY WORD YOU'VE EVER SAID to see what you *really* mean by that request. Also, how do I know you won't be cheating on our pretend, unknown, loveless internet relationship with someone else *coughpaddydogcough*? I've already been imaginary hurt once, you know.

Exactly, Rebeck! I'm all for a good blowjob, but not as a means of introduction or as a useful method of establishing any type of relationship other than as the town whore. Or, if you're really just looking to suck a dick. Then I guess that approach would actually work just fine.

Posted by: Lainey at February 7, 2009 8:37 PM

Yes, good blowjob = means of seduction, not introduction. That should have been in the original book; I have had to explain that multiple times to various women, for sure.

Posted by: Rebeck at February 7, 2009 8:55 PM

And before any of you assholes (BSlim) ask if I'm PMSing, yeah, I fucking am.

Posted by: Lainey at February 7, 2009 7:51 PM

--------------------------------------------------

*HuH*

WTF...I didn't say anything!!

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 7, 2009 9:03 PM

Slim, you were thinkin' it! And if you weren't...well...then, I'm sorry. Want to share my Chocolate Chocolate Chip ice cream and have a cuddle?

Posted by: Lainey at February 7, 2009 9:42 PM

Easy, Lainey, easy. I'm cool with Sabrina, and I hope she's cool with me. I'm just curious why (what was it I called her? Oh yeah ...) smart and brash and funny women act like cliched characters in terrible movies. Did y'all ALWAYS act this way, or did the movies and TV teach you to act this way? Does art imitate life or ...?

"Cocksucker" was used as a metaphor. It meant, act like you're the greatest piece of ass in the room. If you can pull that off without also acting arrogant (where the sense of humor comes in) -- gold, baby, gold!

Posted by: bucdaddy at February 7, 2009 10:45 PM

I don't know, admin. I have to consult with my girlfriends first. I need to parse EVERY WORD YOU'VE EVER SAID to see what you *really* mean by that request.

This is not going to end well.

Posted by: admin at February 7, 2009 10:48 PM

I'm too drunk to read the whole thread. All I know is that miss Lainey is fucking hot! If I were a dude I'd be all over that sexy sexy brain of hers...

Posted by: Pants at February 7, 2009 10:57 PM

I'm trying, Pants. I'm trying.

Posted by: admin at February 7, 2009 11:02 PM

Well try harder! I have a feeling girlfriend may have been burnt by the douchey end of the stick in the past and needs her fake internet loving to come with an extra helping of unwarranted flattery.

Posted by: Pants at February 7, 2009 11:07 PM

Although I might be projecting my shit on her, I don't know. Just be nice is all I'm saying...

Posted by: Pants at February 7, 2009 11:09 PM

Pants, I swear to Godtopus, if you ever make it to the easternish part of the US, we are SO making out!

admin, you can watch. If you keep being sweet and if it's ok with Pants, maybe you can even participate a bit...

Posted by: Lainey at February 7, 2009 11:12 PM

Agreed...

Posted by: Pants at February 7, 2009 11:17 PM

That's unfortunate. Greg Behrendt was funny on his Comedy Central special.

Posted by: Lucas at February 7, 2009 11:22 PM

Well I've been drinking red wine and watching "Black Books", so obviously...

fuck everybody.

Posted by: Jay at February 7, 2009 11:37 PM

The British series or the Dutch movie?

Posted by: Pants at February 7, 2009 11:40 PM

Oh, that's just "Black Book", I do mean the Dylan Moran. It demands wine consumption and bitterness. Least I was with friends.

Posted by: Jay at February 7, 2009 11:44 PM

"admin, you can watch."

Doesn't this belong on the "Zeroes" thread?

Posted by: bucdaddy at February 8, 2009 12:13 AM

bucdaddy, when two gorgeous women make an offer like that, they can say it wherever they want.

*whispers* Don't worry I'll get pictures.

Posted by: admin at February 8, 2009 12:25 AM

Ha! Soon after another of my failed relationships, my ever-compassionate and wildly intelligent mother comes back from a holiday with some news! She was reading this Very Good Book that she highly recommends, because it really shows how guys act and what to do/what not to do in all these different situations. She thinks I would benefit greatly from the aforementioned advice. Oh, what was it called again? "He's Just Not That Into You".

What. The. Shit.

Someone, please cut my wrists now. I would myself, but since I'm an irrational female who can't make a decision to save herself, I either need a gaggle of vapid friends to reassure me that I'm good enough to slit my wrists myself, or I need my wrist-slitting validated by a male in order to feel like a /real/ woman. Heaven forbid I act upon my own desires without prior consultation from everyone I know! I mean, jeez, I might even start acting like I'm /happy/ being single!

Bah, who am I kidding? It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single woman in possession of her own independence, financial security and confidence must be in want of a douchey husband.

Posted by: emasculator at February 8, 2009 1:19 AM

this movie sucked period.

Posted by: longder at February 8, 2009 1:19 AM

How can a man tell when he is in love? When the woman taps his butt and says "you are in, love".

If he is 'into' you, and you can't feel it, there may be some issues for one/each of you....

Posted by: Can you feel it? at February 8, 2009 8:05 AM

this movie sucked period.
Posted by: longder at February 8, 2009 1:19 AM

So, "this movie sucked menstrual fluid", or "this movie sucked comma period" as in full stop?

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at February 8, 2009 9:27 AM

I'm still trying to figure out the comma in the previous comment myself.

Posted by: Jay at February 8, 2009 9:48 AM

Is this gonna turn into a situation?

A grammatical, situation?

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 8, 2009 9:50 AM

I've read (and written) some gross and disgusting things on the Pajiba bathroom walls, Anna, but your 9:27 am may have been the first that made my bilge rise.

ew.

Good work.

Posted by: bucdaddy at February 8, 2009 9:50 AM

I believe both would be correct. It is a question of the level of disgust the writer wished to convey. Given the movie in question and the subject matter I'm voting for the menstrual fluid.

Apparently He's Just Not That In To You just earned its crimson wings.

Posted by: admin at February 8, 2009 10:14 AM

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwww


girls are gross.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 8, 2009 10:36 AM

Love the nod to Say Anything in your headline.

The movie is set in Baltimore but I guess it is the Baltimore with NO Black people.

Drew and Jen you are both too old for this shit.

Posted by: allheavens at February 8, 2009 1:17 PM

Is this gonna turn into a situation?

I believe, it, might.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at February 8, 2009 2:07 PM

I'm cool with Sabrina, and I hope she's cool with me. I'm just curious why (what was it I called her? Oh yeah ...) smart and brash and funny women act like cliched characters in terrible movies.

What you were reacting to was how the women only seem to care and talk about guys, right? That's what I was trying to say doesn't happen. Yes, I talk about guys when they enter the picture, just like I would talk about most things going on in my life with friends. It's not what everything revolves around, though.

Also, while I may be smart, brash and funny (and I am), I have very little experience with guys, so I do get insecure when it comes to these kinds of things.

And yes, we cool, B.

Posted by: Sabrina at February 8, 2009 2:45 PM

Aw, who's afraid of a little menstruation?

Posted by: Jay at February 8, 2009 3:30 PM

Is this gonna turn into a situation?

A grammatical, situation?

If it does, can I draw the syntax trees for it? I'm absurdly pleased that I can now call myself a "cunning linguist", and my department wouldn't find that humorous in the slightest, so I need to share with someone!

Posted by: Phaeolus at February 8, 2009 3:49 PM

Dustin? This is gorgeous: It is a dull motherfucking existence. I've never been so happy in all my goddamn life. Thank you for putting so well exactly how I feel about my own life. Here's to the happiness staying and here's to NOT turning into the Kevin Spacey guy in American Beauty!

Leigh Your comment about dealing with it by drinking heavily and fucking strangers reminded me of a hilarious line in a Wired article: the author was using every single geolocation wireless application he could find, just to test them all out. But he couldn't figure out WHY he'd need to know who was in the same area, since they were all strangers. Finally one woman texted him "for SEX with strangers, asshole" then she asked him to send her a nude pic. ROFL.

Um, anyway. A lot of single people do NOT want to hear "just relax, it'll happen" but it's the truth. If my 55 year old life-long bachelor weirdo uncle with no social skills can find a woman and get married, ANYONE CAN, ok people? But singles don't want to hear that and I can't blame them. (They immediately think "oh great, even your retarded old uncle found someone.")

Speaking of, sometimes those who constantly complain and moan about their lack of a love life lose more than potential partners, they lose friends, too. I dropped what was an otherwise great friendship because she drove me TEN KINDS OF INSANE with her near constant bitching about her lack of a man. Then, even when she would go out with a guy, she'd declare him a loser because she didn't like the way his ankles looked or something similarly insipid. I told her she clearly WANTED to be single, the end.

I'd never go see this movie, ever. I wouldn't rent it, I wouldn't watch it for free if I were paralyzed and nothing else was on.

Posted by: Anastasia Beaverhausen at February 8, 2009 5:39 PM

Aaaaand it's the weekend box office champ!!

Posted by: Jay at February 8, 2009 5:47 PM

Good day! You can join "Sugarbaby" freely now! *** SUGARBABYDATE. C OM *** There are Over millions of profiles from all over the world! No matter where you are or what you are, you can find someone just around your neighborhood. You can get their pictures, phone numbers, locations, and almost any information.

Posted by: kelly at February 8, 2009 9:02 PM


While I completely agree that there are far too many "chick-flicks" out there that portray women badly, there are just as many movies out there with equally awful depictions of men (Rambo, Die Hard, James Bond etc). I love that Pajiba is willing to call ridiculous chick-flicks for what they are, but I've always felt a little disappointed with the coverage of action movies.




While the political ramifications (Rambo), or the sheer shallowness (Die Hard) are often addressed in reviews, I've yet to see one that questions what it means to be a generation of boys raised on blood, gore and sociopaths, or even what the film says about masculinity in general. Maybe I've missed some great reviews that actually sparks this type of discussion?




I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'd be uncomfortable criticizing chick flicks too much without also applying the same lens to some of the drivel out there targeted towards men. I would love to hear some men getting offended about what movies like Die Hard say about their intelligence.




And Dustin, I love the story of you and your wife. I don't know how Pajibites feel about the series, but it sounds somewhat similar to How I Met Your Mother... so far, but we'll have to see if the writers fuck it up.

Posted by: leheather at February 8, 2009 10:00 PM

So apparently, I am not skilled with HTML tags... lesson learned. Sorry about that.

Posted by: leheather at February 8, 2009 10:03 PM

leheather, just wait until the next Michael Bay film comes out.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at February 8, 2009 10:14 PM

So, I'm a little late to this comment party, but I had to share this. My best friend informed me earlier that she was on her way to see this movie. I stated my case for why she should not waste her money, or at least waste it in a less soul-sucking way. Her response? "But I loved the book. It was a real girl-powery book." Yes, my fucktard of a best friend thinks that book is what passes for girl power. If you'll excuse me, I have to drive four hours to Tennessee to punch her in the face.

Posted by: puregonzo at February 8, 2009 11:00 PM

Um, anyway. A lot of single people do NOT want to hear "just relax, it'll happen" but it's the truth. If my 55 year old life-long bachelor weirdo uncle with no social skills can find a woman and get married, ANYONE CAN, ok people? But singles don't want to hear that and I can't blame them. (They immediately think "oh great, even your retarded old uncle found someone.")

Yeah, that bastard get some but I don't?....I mean, damn, that was kind of a reflex there.

Posted by: Vermillion at February 9, 2009 8:16 AM

Just to update (as if anyone cares): my friend informed me that the movie was "great". Then, she got home and locked her keys in her car. So, the universe apparently punched her in the face for me and saved me a trip.

Posted by: puregonzo at February 9, 2009 8:51 AM

Dustin, it's reviews like this one that keep me coming back to Pajiba. I'll admit I get irritated with things around here sometimes, and then I avoid the place for a few days/weeks, but I know I can count on you to reel me back in with some beautiful line or other.

Posted by: b at February 9, 2009 9:08 AM

Well, Ms. Duke, I read a bunch of disturbing comments at ohnotheydidnt yesterday, including things like "do you think it's a good date movie for v-day?" "oh yeah, your boy will like it!" and "I can't wait for shopaholic next week!"

I totally thought they were more scabrous than that over there. Scales from my eyes, man!

Then I had to look up all the acronyms.

Still, it's always fun on LiveJournal pages to watch someone being a bitchy snob juxtaposed with a ridiculous icon. "Are we being ironic?" "I don't even know anymore".

Posted by: Jay at February 9, 2009 10:06 AM

Just to update (as if anyone cares): my friend informed me that the movie was "great". Then, she got home and locked her keys in her car. So, the universe apparently punched her in the face for me and saved me a trip.

Posted by: puregonzo at February 9, 2009
---
Best laugh I've had all week. But it's early.

I was going to weigh in with something else about this movie, but I think I'll do it at the box office post instead, it being No. 1 and this thread being practically dead (and if it isn't yet I prob just killed it).

Posted by: bucdaddy at February 9, 2009 10:37 AM

Man, I knew there was a reason to read this review. Beautiful, Mr. Rowles.

Posted by: Gaby at February 9, 2009 2:33 PM

there is a 20% factor out there who will love this movie. let them enjoy it. no one says you have to see it yourself so why get bent out of shape because there is a segment of females who really do want to corral the " right guy ". look, there are 20% of males who will see " taken " because it represents a rock 'em - sock 'em escapist entertainment. the fact that it is preposterous doesn't matter to them.
live and let live.

Posted by: snake at February 9, 2009 4:26 PM

Look, the silly "Taken" bashing was last week.

Posted by: Jay at February 9, 2009 4:49 PM

This movie was awful. Just another Hollywood movie for the trash can. The actors and actresses didn't do anything to help their careers. How could any woman read a script like this and agree to do this. The next time Jennifer Aniston or any of these actors are in a new movie I will definitely think twice before going. It is just further proof of how Hollywood tries to destroy anything good about the human race. They are so afraid to advocate for morality. They really and truely want our society to made up of animals because that is what most them are. Do they really think that mature adults view a show like this as anything other than trashy. This is the ruination of the American family.

Posted by: dustinb at February 9, 2009 5:50 PM

thank you Dustin for the 5th paragraph. It made me smile so wide. the rest of the day I just may be a goopy mess.

Posted by: claudia at February 10, 2009 1:06 PM

He's Just Not That Into You (2009) is the latest movie I have seen wow it was hilarious movie. Filled with so much of romance and teen talk I do have enjoy it so much. Pretty good movie for teen free movies http://www.80millionmoviesfree.com is where I saw this wonderful movie.
So many goods for teens to learn with fun

Posted by: farise mohadiram at February 11, 2009 11:27 PM

Well said reviewer, well said.

Posted by: Clementine at February 21, 2009 6:12 PM