February 24, 2009 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Film | February 24, 2009 |

I often lament the state of horror movies these days. If it’s not a remake of some schlock splatterhouse flick from the 70s or 80s or a derivation of a foreign concept, it’s some trite excuse to flash tits covered in buckets of gore. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I mean, good horror is supposed to be a little bad. But there’s a limit. Netflix is resplendent with an assortment of tersely titled grindhouse wannabes, churned out by guys with digital camcorders, Suicide Girl fetishes, and lifetime Fangoria subscriptions. Being a horror writer myself, I sigh despondently, because the bar has been lowered so far, it’s nigh on impossible to determine the difference between this group of scantily clad co-ed nobodies and whatever unholy supernatural being they’re going to throw a Home Depot at. And after watching this wreck, once again directed by John Gulager and written by Patrick Melton and Marcus Dustan, the future looks no more brighter. I apologize for my rambling diatribe, but really, if I’m not going to enjoy this thing, neither should you.

00:00:00: Awesome. Starting off right where the last one left off. I mean literally. The last five minutes of the last movie are the first five of this one. It’s the principle of Robert Zemeckis: Why make one shitty sequel when you can make two at once? So for those of you keeping score, a bunch of assholes nobody likes are stuck on a roof in a terrible town while monsters try to eat them. I had held a desperate hope that they would have cleaned house castwise like they did between the original (and superiorly funspirited) Feast and Feast II. Instead, they did up a Back to the Feaster II and Feaster III Triple Feast. If Christopher Lloyd doesn’t drive a train off a cliff, this movie already fails.

00:00:36: Clu Gulager, the director’s father, is back as the Bartender who won’t fucking die. He’s standing in the middle of the desert, staring angrily into the camera, saying, “Thanks for fucking my potential acting retirement plan, son. I couldn’t be a stunt hand in a Turkish jerkoff film now. Joke’s on you, I blew your inheritance on hookers and Pixie Sticks.”

00:03:00 Seriously, this is just the end of the last movie. That’s some green filmmaking, Ed Begley Jr. Why this didn’t kill at Sundance is beyond me. If they filmed a compost pile decaying it’d get a four picture fucking deal these days. And yet we’re going to SXSW, where anyone can be a filmmaker if they have $75.

00:04:00: Now I remember why I hate everyone from the last film. Didn’t they kill everyone, goddammit?

00:04:45: Finally! New footage! Honey Pie, my arch nemesis who survived in the credits of the last film — IS DEAD! One of the monsters decrapitated the broad. I don’t care how annoyingly resilient you appear to be. Nobody gets up from a deheadening. Ask the Kurgan.

00:04:47: The monster is eating Honey Pie’s huge noggin like a golden delicious apple. And now. The monster. Is crapping. A human head. Put that on your resume, Heigl.

00:05:00: I guess stupid bitch heads aren’t fortified with the nutrients monsters need to grow up and be in quality films. Five minutes in, and we’ve got recycled footage, a beheading, and scat humor. Stick with YouTube, kids. Five years from now, The Oscar will go to a documentary shot on cell phones. And it’ll be hosted by Tyler Perry.

00:05:30: Christ, again with the little yearbook writeups for the characters. The arc for the Bartender says, “WWII Vet, now fighting his greatest battle, blah-blah-blah.” I’m pretty sure this was the dominant pattern for the script. “They fight monsters with guns on the roof. Make sure chicks are topless. Blood and shit. Blah-blah-fritos scoops are teh shinzorgans.”

00:06:07: Joan Jett the Biker Queen is killing a monster with a motorcycle. I’m positive there’s some sort of austere symbolism for female empowerment going on that I’m not fully appreciating. Probably because she’s spouting such overwhelmingly powerful dialogue, “Die!” and “Bleed!”

00:06:20: “Bleed it out! Bleed it all out!” That’s what I scream at my girlfriend during her special lady time. What? If this movie’s not bringing the A-game, I’m certainly not. Tampax! Gets the red out!

00:06:35: “That’s some Pam Grier shit!” Slasher, the only black character. Congrats on reigniting apartheid, my brother. If memory serves me correctly, the last movie ended with them getting swarmed by monsters on the roof. Where have all the monsters gone? Are they with the cowboys?

00:07:00: Somebody slip in the blood, somebody slip in the blood! C’mon, this calls for some wacky Stoogian hijinks!

00:07:10: What in the piss purple fuck?! Greg Swank is STILL ALIVE? The motherfucker got a steel pipe blasted through his head! It’s still there! They replayed the scene just so we knew! Fucking Swank is played by the goddamn director’s brother. CHRIST! It was SWANK! Swank fell in the goop! Oh, retarded magic is not nearly as much fun to watch when you know where the coins are really disappearing to.

00:07:39: Oh, good. They’re shooting in night vision. So you can bask in all the glorious functionality of the $450 digital camcorder the movie was shot on. White balance next! Autofocus! Anti-tremble function! Whooo! Technology! AV CLUB 4EVA!

00:08:00: Oh, goddamn you, Secrets. I hope someone beats you Oprah and Blue with the Bible. If you recall, she’s called Secrets because she believes in “The Secret”. Also, she keeps repeating, “We gotta believe. We gotta believe.” Who says you can’t have witty social commentary in a grindhouse flick?

00:08:25: They keep going back and forth from nightvision to color. That’s going to use up most of the $65 budget. And a motherfucker needs his goddamn Fritos scoops.

00:08:28: Ahhhh! HAHAHAHAHA! I paused the DVD to write “I bet they’re gonna have a monster jump out from the shadows any second now.” And one did! But in the freeze frame, I can totally see the wire mesh inside the mouth of the costume that the actor looks through! I think it’s James Lipton! Lipton’s the fucking monster!

00:08:49: For those of you keeping score at home, Two monsters have been killed. All by gals. One Honey Pie left out in the rain. She’ll never have to be in the movie again. On our home team we’ve got: Bartender, Slasher, Biker Queen, Secrets, Greg Swank, two Tattooed Biker chicks named Tit Girl and Tat Girl, and theoretically Lightning, unless the midget budget ran over from the last film. Eight is enough! Eight people who will hopefully perish before long!

00:09:00: This movie officially includes more exposed breasts in the first ten minutes of any film I’ve ever seen before, and I’m including pornography.

00:09:37: They keep going close-up on the “dead” monster. I wonder if he’s really dead? Will he jump up and kill? “We’re what’s left of what’s left behind.” Sounds like the Samuel L. “Every Dead Black Hero” Jackson Memorial Monologue to me.

00:10:11: Nope. He lives. They just like zooming in in nightvision. A black guy’s just as green as you and me when the lights are out. Togetherness.

00:10:15: I give up. A guy in a jeep comes driving down the road. And WHATHEFUCKETYFUCKWHISTLE?! THUNDER IS STILL ALIVE?!!!

If you recall from the last movie, Thunder — the other half of the midget team — was splattered all over the street by the ill-fated but awesome midget catapult experiment. He was then subsequently torn in half by the monsters, but being a midget, I’m not sure what fraction that represents. Potentially a third.

And here he is, as a fucking tiny torso with intestines hanging out, STILL ALIVE! And doing reverse pushups.

00:10:20: This must be a new character. He’s driving an army jeep with a spiked ram on the front. He just ran over Thunder! That’s no way to treat your marquee midget, Gulager. Motherfucker was in Pirates of the Caribbean Elevenses: The Search for Ulee’s Gold.

00:10:26: “What is that?” It’s the sound of your future career hawking Shamwow’s when Billy Mays snaps and slaughters the Eyebrow Goblin with a Garden Claw.

00:10:46: Our new character wears sunglasses and cowboy hat, his name is Shitkicker. Here’s the character description: Weakness: Allergic to Pussies, Strengths: Addicted to Love, Life Expectancy: Better than God!

So…he’s allergic to vagina, sick with love…he’s Ennis Del Mar from Brokeback Mountain! (Too soon?) Christ, I didn’t think I could hate a character worse than Honey Pie. Well, Gulager loves irony, so maybe Bootscootin’ Booty will get his fifteen second icing. “If you ain’t livin’ on the edge, you’re taking up too much space.” He looks like some combination of Toby Keith and an Arquette. And not one of the ones I like.

00:11:17: Tat Girl is covering her breasts with a demure hand. Sorry, luscious, you’re already been catalogued by Mr. Skin.

00:11:32: Boo! The topless gals have scavenged corpses for shirts and jackets! Well, there goes my last vestige of interest in watching this movie. Other than another glimpse of Lightning and his sexy Mexi-Mullet.

00:12:23: Shitkicker is what happens when you feed your children a steady diet of New Country, bible study, and non-stop Statham/Willis movies. You think you’d get an awesomer version of Hank Hill, but instead, you get a guy with tiny eyes in a wifebeater who talks like Steven Seagal with a cold.

00:12:58: Do the laws of fucking science not WORK in this town? Is George Lass on a pancake break? The old fucking bum — the one who blew up the police station with a fucking stick of dynamite — is STILL ALIVE! There might be hope for Honey Pie yet. Despite having her head et and shit. Of course, they just beaned him with a hammer. Because when carrying an arsenal of firearms, the logical choice of attack is throwing a hand tool. Have these motherfuckers never read The Zombie Survival Guide?

00:13:17: The Tit Girl and the Biker Queen just beat the old man until he shit himself. That’s actually number three on my list of Ways to Die.

00:13:26: “Oh, shit” “You all literally kicked the shit out of him.” “He’s a piece of shit.” Say SHIT again! Say SHIT again, motherfucker! I dare you! I double dog dare you! Remember, kids. These writers are bringing you the script for Saw 6: Leprechaun in Jason’s Nightmare of Hellraiser’s Phantasm.

00:13:45: Oh, man. I completely forgot about Biker Queen’s completely irrational Balthazar Getty hatred. Unfortunately, BGet isn’t in the credits, so godwilling, she’ll die unfulfilled. Like most of you.

00:14:00: Is Shitkicker ducttaping a pogostick to an assault rifle? Horror Movie ingenuity did bring us the chainsaw arm and the quad shotgun, so there’s hope yet. Duct tape, plus weapons, plus arrogant assholes always equals mega murderdeathkills.

00:14:52: There appears to be a big hunk of meat on the floor of the police station. Surely, no good can come of this.

00:15:08: “How you gonna stomp them out?” “With Sweat, Firepower, and A Little Something Called Courage.” I believe that’s the new album by Alan Jackson.

00:15:23: Secrets is all about the fighting now. Five minutes ago, the bitch was all for prayer. Make up your mind, character development!

I realize that in my non-stop chatter it seems like I haven’t been describing the action accurately, but seriously they spent 15 minutes leaving a roof and going into the police station.

00:15:35: “We’ll have enough “fuck you” in this place to really hurt some feelings.” Writing one clever line every 15 minutes of movie? That’s how we do in H-Wood, bitches.

00:16:00: Slasher’s upset because they want to use his used cars to escape to safety. Rationality? Brother’s gotta eat.

00:16:35: I understand The Secret now. Apparently, if you wish hard enough, Toby Keith’s retarded action movie cousin will appear to save you. No wonder southern housewives have been eating that crap with a spoon. Personally, I’ll take my chances fighting the Virgin Mary with a butcher knife in my mirror at midnight. Or the Candyman! Tony Todd is the shit.

00:16:50: Goddamn. Greg Swank just got dumped. And he has a metal pole in his fucking head. Born on a blue day, indeed.

00:17:22: Shitkicker just called the Bartender Jor-El. Keep giving him all the good lines, and I’m gonna have me a crush, now.

00:18:30: If there’s a better way to court a wimmen than showing her how to shoot a pistol, I don’t rightly fix on wanting to know it.

00:19:36: Ahhh! HAHAHAHA! Right in the middle of the flirting, Secrets accidentally blew Shitkicker’s brains out! I take it back! Best movie ever! And the dumbass just drew all the monsters after them!

00:20:50: It’s a bad day to go fishing with a black man. That’s no way to treat Carl Anthony Payne. He’s not fucking spelunking. He’s getting chased by monsters. And magically it’s nighttime.

00:21:54: Why is he crawling? Can monsters not smell you if you’re low to the ground?

00:22:22: At least they gave him a giant key ring with a thousand keys on it and he got it on the first try. I dreaded some slapstick.

00:23:11: Watch out! They’re getting attacked by all two of the monsters they could rent from Hollywood Ghouls and Wax Parts of Golden Hawn Emporium. How’d they go from forty guns to no guns? Did they eat them for sustenance?

00:23:46: The monsters are squealing in high pitched screams to summon the others. Well, the other. This ain’t no Ron Howard hundred million dollar joint. No, it’s scaring them away.

00:24:14: I forgot to mention that Greg Swank has to talk in subtitles because he has a pipe shoved through his jaw. It’s not as funny as they thought it’d be.

00:24:26: And…it’s daytime again. Time has no meaning here in Shittsburgh. Oh, wait. It’s actually caled, “Smalltown”. No, for real. Is the mayor’s name John Everyman?

00:29:12: Lightning! Ole! Apparently he survived the night by hiding. Midgets are good at that. Oh, no! But the rest of them found him. So now his awesome factor has gone down by -2. And Secrets is trying to carry him. Dios mio! She’s el chupacabra, cabron! No good comes to men who touch her! Look at Swank! LOOK AT SWANK!

00:25:55: Slasher just tossed the Bum for Monster Vittles. Perhaps his piquant shitty draws will be found an unappetizing glaze? Apparently, unlike most Americans, the monster can detect the trace amount of fecal matter in their meat products.

00:26:13: So he’s running after Slasher. If someone shit in my taco, I’d probably want to have a stern word with them as well.

00:26:26: Back to that wacky nightvision. You know, I really think my computer’s webcam is nifty, but I wouldn’t try to shoot an entire movie with it. But that’s why Gulager gets the big bucks. All $8700 of them.

00:27:10: I quit life. The monster is raping Slasher through the truck casing. I hope he has a barbed dong like a cat so Carl Anthony Payne doesn’t have to further disgrace himself by being in this film.

00:27:35: I don’t know what’s worse. That I’m watching this. Or that half this lame buttfucking sequence is taking place in nightvision. Paris Hilton’s fuckscene had better cinematography.

00:27:44: No way. Apparently, if a rubber monster ejaculates in your rectum, five seconds later a horrible baby monster will explode from your stomach. And that, ladies and gentlemen, explains how Joe Francis was born. The retarded butt baby of six frogs and a fishmonkey.

00:28:14: I wonder if Swank will be able to remember the combination to the safe or will he have something else on his mind. Like eight inches of steel pipe! Hahah! I could have written this movie! B Game!

00:28:33: As I gaze on Lightning’s pained face, it makes me wonder if he was just a day laborer they arbitrarily picked up at a Home Depot parking lot, put in tights, and told to run around, and never told him he was in a movie. Poor little Mexican. You just wanted to pick strawberries.

00:29:16: Fuck me with a rusty chainsaw. The butt baby is half-monster/half-black man. Now, try getting a taxi. And he killed everyone in the truck trailer. Goodbye, Tit and Tat. We hardly ogled thee.

00:29:30: Freezeframed on a dangling critter nut sack. Is this what Mr. Skin goes through? You earn those hairy palms, my good egg. Oh! Looks like everybody survived, that pool of organs was just Slasher detritus.

00:29:48: Old Mud Butt is deciding to hide his shittasting ass under a car hood. Rhodes fucking Scholar. Oh, its a secret bomb shelter or some such shit.

00:30:00: Did they have a fucking sale on nightvision editing? Gulager seriously needs to get into some tranny porn or something else besides midgets and One Night in Paris’s McCooch.

00:30:50: They turned a bus into an underground hideout? Did Scooby Doo do their fucking civil emergency engineering? Or was it Otto from the Simpsons?

00:31:00: It’s a fucking meth lab. So apparently, Bryan Cranston designed it. I hope things don’t start breaking bad for everyone. Your boos of derision mean nothing to me!

00:32:00: Only women folk can kill these critters. And really, when you can’t rely on your meth lab schoolbus for dependent travel, where does that leave you?

00:32:51: Monster on the bus! Sit down and shut up! I sure hope Tit Girl doesn’t die. Of course, since we’ve already seen her naked, her usefulness to the story does seem waning.

00:33:21: Oh, Tit Girl, just got her head squished like an overripe melons. Yeah, I’ll keep the typo.

00:33:30: In a fit of vengeance, Tat Girl shows her boobs, throws the Old Man Shitriver at the monster, and sets them both on fire with…her mind, I guess? That’ll teach you to take the A away from T!

00:33:42: Underground Bus Away! I hope the Underground Bus gets its own series. Maybe as a vehicle (snicker) for Lee Pace and the rest of Bryan Fuller’s castaways.

00:34:00: If a bus won’t stop for a hippie carrying a midget piggyback, there’s no biodiesel I know that can save America’s problems.

00:34:11: Tat Girl’s taunting them as she and the Wicked Joan Jett of the West escape. Isn’t this the same chick that not five minutes ago was calling Slasher a double-dealing sleezebag for running away? Make up your mind, character development!

00:34:30: Bus sputtered dead. The Underground Bus teaches an important lesson about karma. Next week: People In Wheelchairs are People Too! In Wheelchairs!

00:35:08: Everyone’s climbing aboard the stalled bus. Biker Queen shouts Fuck! I’d be pissed too if I got stuck with Secrets and Pipehead, but Lightning’s a pretty cool ese.

00:35:20: Oh no! It’s a monster stampede! A swarm of three monsters! Three! Omigod! They’re everywhere! Kind of!

00:35:47: The fuck? Some guy in a cloak is shouting “Back foul beasts! Back demon!” Apparently, he makes the high pitched whine. Is it wrong that I hope this D & Dork is secretly Vermillion? That’d pretty much make my life.

00:35:52: The power of CGI makes 3 demons into tens! Whooo! For that kinda wizardry, maybe they coulda bought costumes without noticeable zippers.

00:36:16: No fucking way. Lightning just cocked the flashlight like a shotgun. I love that little bastard.

00:36:35: The Prophet. Real name: Short Bus Gus. Was he in the first movie or second or I don’t care enough to research it. Hopefully Secrets will get a New Age Clit Boner for him and a Datsun will fall from out the sky and smite him for 4D10 damage.

00:36:59: I watch movies with the subtitles on so I can read what they say when it’s too quiet. I’ve noticed that they leave a lot of the extraneous fucks off the subtitles. It’s kind of refreshing. Of course, if they took the profanity and nudity out of this film, it’d be like twelve minutes long. Twelve pointless minutes.

00:37:27: They’re taking to the storm drains. I suppose it’s cheaper to film in sewers when you already know your final project is a piece of shit.

00:38:30: The old man just farted in the faces of everyone crawling behind him in the sewer. I think that’s a pretty apt metaphor for this film.

00:39:43: Crawling in my skin, these wounds they will not heal. Fact: if you put on KROQ at any fifteen minute period, you will hear that song. Someone wrote “Blood So Good” on the wall. In Blood. Writing like that’s how you get the big Dimension Extreme paychecks!

00:40:35: The Prophet’s secret weapon is a malfunctioning hearing aid. Let’s hear it for the cripples! Clap if you’ve got arms!

00:41:01: These monsters are cut like Ginsu! They punched through the pipewalls like butter! So they’re standing in what? Narnia? How the fuck are they on the sides of a sewer pipes? They’re underground!

00:42:27: Tat Girl takes this opportunity to take off her top. I guess he knew we were all getting bored with this sequence too.

00:42:39: There’s someone called The Puker Girl who has half her face painted with green scales and shit. Half Horking Hulk. She’a also stroking her check with a severed penis. I guess we saw her in the last film. Jesus I want that contract. You’re dead, but we’ll put you in the sequel anyway.

00:42:52: Topless chick vs. Half Hork Hulk. Who wins? America.

00:43:00: Tat Girl broke both Halk Hork Hulk’s arms. Finally a movie that demonstrates the dangers of osteoporosis in a dignified manner.

00:43:08: But wait! Puker has two shorn male lovely assistants! Prop 8 has driven yet another gay couple to living in the sewers and adopting malnourished psychotic foster children. When will we learn?

00:43:12: There are so very few perfect breasts in the world. It’s a shame we won’t be seeing Tat Girl’s anymore. Unless Horking Hulk cuts them off and makes decorative hats for her slaveboy assistants.

00:43:46: Biker Chick’s losing her shit. I’m gonna miss her knockers, too, baby, but we gotta move on. There’s still half a movie to go or something.

00:43:58: Some dude just dropped through the manhole wearing a football helmet and now he’s karate-ing the fuck out of the slaveboys. Guess the hockey mask was already spoken for HOLY FUCK HE’S GOT BLADE ARMS! It’s Baraka! Fatality! President Elect Obama!

00:44:42: His fucking name is Jean-Claude Segal. He looks like Wilmer Valderrama. He needs to stop talking and put the football helmet back on and get back to killing people with his Barack Obarms. Oh my Christ! This kid was on “America’s Got Talent!” Probably doing his ninja flippity shit on The Hoff.

00:46:19: Biker Chick really, really, REALLY misses Tat Girl’s tits. She’s totally groping up on them in mourning. I tried that trick once. I’m no longer welcome at family funerals.

00:47:09: Baraka just climbed the ladder and got his damn arm ripped the hell off by a monster. Barack Obarmless. I made a list of them. If he dies, I’ll stop. But he won’t die. Awesome that intense will live forever.

00:47:38: The Old Bartender and Single Blade just fell down a water chute! Maybe they’ll find One-Eyed Willie’s rich stuff! Probably not. Probably just the charred remains of Richard Dawson.

00:48:35: Old Man and Half-Slash are still water tubing. Hearing Aid Fu scared off the critters. And now one’s prowling the sewers.

00:49:10: America may have talent, but he ain’t too good for much more than bleeding all over shit and getting sliced up by monsters. The Old Man just saved him by stabbing the monster with his severed blade arm.

00:49:49: Interracial Dating Feast is trolling the sewers. He’s half Feast half Slasher. I forgot that Secrets was married to Slasher. So he must be looking for Stepmomma.

00:50:23: That’s what every high octane movie needs. Two solid minutes of panting and sitting around gasping.

00:50:32: And then they ended up in the techno dance cave from the Matrix. I need to see some motherfuckers get killed up in here and but quick. Every since the passing of Carl Anthony Payne, this movie has not punished its’ cast needlessly enough for my satisfaction.

00:52:10: A rat was gnawing on Baraka’s nub. Go back to the techno cave!

00:52:40: The old man wants to close up Baraka’s wound the old pioneer way. With a giant bottle of hydrogen peroxide and gunpowder.

00:53:42: Ahhaha! The old man’s gunpowder surgery blew off Baraka’s other arm! Jean Claude’s got no arms. If he loses both legs, there will be a ton of jokes available. C’mon, lazy screenwriters, I’m betting on you!

00:54:00: Pipey Longstocking thinks Lightning is the baby he smashed to bits in the second film. I guess his punishment from God was to survive into the sequel.

00:55:45: That’s how you get into a technocave, ladies. A Mexican midget in white tights sidekicks his way in.

00:56:20: You know, I was gonna make the foosball joke about Unhug, but the writer’s made it for me. No arms = foosball.

00:56:43: It’s not real fair to slap a guy with no arms. Sure, it might be fun, but it’s not very sporting.

00:57:24: Hey, I finally found something worse than night vision! Strobe lighting.

00:57:36: Puker Girl lives in The Rave. Biker Chick busts her in the face with a heavy pipe in Zach Snyder slow-mo 300 style.

00:58:31: I bet at the time they thought: “Dude, a fight sequence in strobe lights will be so bad ass. Also, I love Two and Half Men.”

00:59:26: “That’s how you gut a bitch, bitch.” Saw 6. This Halloween. And then 2010 Oscars for Best Adapted Screenplay from the original Bronte.

01:00:24: Punch my bunghole. I can’t fucking tell who’s killing what for no how. All I know is, I think Secrets is about to fashion a gun out of a hammer, a bullet, and the pipe in Swank’s head. Sweet Merciful MacGyver’s taint.

01:01:23: From the shadows, it appears all have survived the ordeal. So our count is now: Biker Chick, Secrets, Swank, Baraka Noarma, Bartender, Lightning, and The Prophet. For being an hour into this film,. that is entirely too many motherfuckers living for my taste.

01:01:30: I sincerely hope “Get to the ladder!” replaces “Get to the choppah!” but I know it won’t. How in the piss hell is Anti-High Five going to climb a ladder?

01:03:16: The technobeats mean One-armed Wonder is going out nobly. This is why soccer is not fun to watch on TV. It looks like the monster/zombie/C.H.U.D.s are going to tear him limb from…well, hit him alot. But no! Kickapoo! Ah, alas. See? Being on American Idol? Oscar for Dreamgirls. Being on America’s Got Talent? Torn in twain by a rubber monster. Top Chef? Torn in twain and eaten by Alton Brown’s moles.

01:04:00: At last, they’re out of the sewers! Now, more of them can die freely. I hope. But now, they’re in some sort of shantytown with an ominous bassoon soundtrack.

01:05:31: Uh-oh. Prophet’s hearing aid battery is running out of juice. And he’s getting murdered up by monsters. These Duracell commercials pretty much write themselves. Exeunt Prophet.

01:06:15: Ha! They’re trying to escape under a garage door and Swank’s pipe is stuck on the door!

01:06:25: The fuck? Black Feast — or as I prefer to think of him, Dark Meat — just killed one of the other monsters. What the gravy?

01:06:44: Oh sweet Jesus cracker sandwich. The Dark Meat is in love with Secrets. He’s giving her the love eye. Usually this means one of two things. 1) The love interest is going to perish horribly or 2) its all a prank and he’s going to kill Swank, Secrets, and ev’rbody.

01:07:04: What the arthouse? He yanked the pipe out of Swank’s noggin and now it’s the knockout scene from Snatch. Floating in the water with sharks.

01:07:47: Secrets pounces on Dark Meat and…bites his heart out? How’s that work? See what happens when you don’t pay attention in science class? You write shit like this.

01:08:00: Now everyone is ripping into the Dark Meat with their teeth. I just…tell me this is going to be a dream. They’re the psychos and the town was full of normal people running away from them. Nah, that’s too creative for this crowd.

01:09:18: Four left. Lightning, Secrets, Bartender, and Biker Queen — who’s got Hulk Sputum on her face and is starting to melt up. So, they’re tying the dead monster to her back and having her escape on a moped. (Poochie died on his way back to his home planet.)

01:11:11: The bartender suggests that they repopulate the earth. “We gotta start fucking.” Civilization will continue as the offspring of a retarded hippie, Methuselah, and a Mexican midget. And this explains West Virginia.

01:11:22: Secrets and Lightning just got crushed to death by a fucking Transformer. I shit you not. A huge mechanical foot just stomped them to intestinal goo. Goddammit! Well someone’s fucked at least.

01:11:45: And over the pile of intestines we see Wayne Newton about to play a guitar solo. It’s actually a Spanish Elvis singing in Spanish about the Story of Feast. That’s really the end? I guess that’s the only way to end the trilogy. At least it didn’t have Crystal Skulls. A 71 minute movie?

01:12:00 Ayyyy yyiiiiii! Dios Mio! I seriously wish I was kidding. But that’s their stunning ending. The movie is over at 72 minutes. This review is longer than the script.

01:15:23: Maybe if Part 4 will explain the rest. If not, don’t fucking blame me! Ole!

01:15:57: A man walks up a lonely road. It’s the Bartender. If he says, “It’s a fact!” and runs off into the woods, this movie ends victoriously. Nope. Just a fadeaway.

They must have made part II about two and a half hours long, but decided it was too long, and so they cut it into two fucking movies. Everyone died except the Bartender. I really hope they are joking about a Feast 4. Because, really, we don’t need another hero. Tina Turner was right.

Brian Prisco lives in a pina down by the mer-port of Burbank, by way of the cheesesteak-laden arteries of Philadelphia. When not traveling in and out of books to stay narrowly ahead of the pack of Cannonball Readers, he can be found on a Wii Fit staying narrowly ahead of a massive coronary infarction. He catches what floats down in the sewers of the comments section and burps it up for your amusement. Any and all grumblings can be directed to priscogospel at hotmail dot com. He steadfastly awaits the day when Mayor McCheese comes up for re-election so he can finally bust up the porkbellies of McTammany Hall.

Quit Jerking Me Around

A Reel Time Review of Feast III: The Happy Finish / Brian Prisco

Film | February 24, 2009 | Comments ()

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