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October 15, 2008 |

By Brian Prisco | Film | October 15, 2008 |

00:00:00 Feast II: Sloppy Seconds is the second in a proposed trilogy by “Project: Greenlight” “Winners” director John Gulager and writers Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan. The writers and director have teamed up again, with some of the cast coming back but with none of the Greenlight money or interest. So no Henry Rollins or Jason Mewes. But hey, Judah Friedlander! Sigh. He’s Dwight Schrute’s less interesting retarded cousin in a hat. I don’t care if he’s on “30 Rock.” So is Jack Donaghy’s desk and nobody’s putting that in a series. Yet.

I traveled to Blockbuster because time would not permit a Netflix rental. Which means I’m reviewing the crappy R rated original version and not the Unrated Supergore fest. I imagine I’m missing quite a bit. But don’t worry, this is brought to us by Dimension EXTREME, which always makes me think someone is going to run something over with a monster truck or throw a Mountain Dew: Code Plaid can at my head.

The first Blockbuster didn’t have the movie. But apparently Patrick Melton used to work there while he was writing the first Feast! Which was actually a surprisingly, hilarious movie. Hopefully they haven’t lost their ability to be completely ridiculous and over the top in their action. Feast was a whole lot of insane fun with violently screwing monsters, Jay getting his face ripped off, and Henry Rollins as a motivational coach. You never knew who the fuck was going to die. But I have little faith, because Melton and Dunstan have been signed on to write the next three installments of the Saw franchise. Did you see Saw IV? Ugh.

The second Blockbuster smelled of feet but had the movie. The clerk’s name was Panda. Excellent.

00:00:30 Cripes. It’s already opening in some sort of weird-ass, art school Super 8 montage. I think that’s one of the actresses from the first movie, but who the hell can tell. And what appears to be Randall “Tex” Cobb from Raising Arizona is driving in stock footage. It’s not really him, because that would be awesome, and nothing happening in this opening sequence is awesome.

00:01:48 Some sort of biker dude just shotgunned a dog. So right off the bat, we’ve lost a ton of Pajibans. Four shotgun blasts for a dog carrying a hand? That seems excessive. Then we get a shot of the dog with it’s intestines spilled out. You know, to be DIMENSION EXTREME!

The hand matches a tattoo on the hand of the biker who HOLY FUCK. That’s supposed to be a WOMAN? They called her BIKER QUEEN. She looks haggard. I shall henceforth refer to her as Mannie Lennox. She’s only been on screen for about a minute, dragged uncomfortably from the world of Mad Max, and she’s the worst character in cinema.

She’s supposed to be the twin sister of the Harley Mom from the first movie, only I guess her angry lesbian sister. It’s like Patty Bouvier was recruited by the Hell’s Satans.

00:03:00 How the fuck is the old bartender from the first movie alive? They slit his fucking throat open? The actor’s name is Clu Gulager, so he must be the director’s father or something. She’s beating him up because she wants to know who blew up her sister. The answer is Balthazar Getty. Seriously. He made her into an explosive booby trap bait to kill the monsters in the first movie, and then he escaped. Problem is, Balthazar t’ain’t in the credits, so this ought to make for an interesting twist.

00:05:30 Christ. They’re doing these stupid ass intros like in the first movie, only they’re worse. It goes all sepia toned and then shows the characters names. The names are usually stupid as fuck like HERO or HONEY PIE or BARTENDER. The old guy’s name is Bartender.

It looks and sounds like a “Real World” audition tape. It’s these stupid snippets of the characters explaining themselves. Ugh, I hate Biker Queen.

Why the hell is she taking him with her? She strapped the old man to the back of her bike and taking off to…find Balthazar Getty? I hate this movie already.

00:06:09 The midget pirate from Pirates of the Caribbean is in this, Martin Klebba. Apparently, he’s some sort of luche libre wrestler. He’s part of a team called THUNDER AND LIGHTNING. He’s Thunder.

This dialogue is painfully bad. It’s like it was written in crayon. Guess that’s how they do it on reality television when they give you a career. Lightning is a Hispanic midget in a Lucha mask who’s fucking some chick. A monster has broken in the window and is trying to rip her out. We see bush. And they pull off her head. There’s a headless naked corpse and two midgets.

00:07:56 There is a naked midget ass running through a trailer park as the Feast monsters tear people apart. Well, tear would imply that we could see anything other than latex Halloween costumes slapping extras.

00:09:25 New character, in a jail. A meth junkie. “I’m just a vagabond.” Did David Lee Roth write this script. The Meth Junkie won a science fair and now he’s a five hundred year old dude cooking meth in a school bus. “Breaking Bad” is such an awesome show, why the fuck aren’t I watching that instead? His name is HOBO. I thought he was a vagabond?

00:10:46 The thing about the first movie is, it always starts off as some sort of rugby scrum where they rapid fire introduce a billion fucking characters in ten minutes with terrible fucking generic names, and then kill off as many as they can in the first five. However, aside from a dick deputy who got smashed against a jail cell by a creature, they haven’t really killed any characters yet. This is already subpar to the first.

00:11:00 Black guy with cool sideburns. Hey! It’s Carl Anthony Wayne! He was one of Maaaaaaarrrrrrtttttiiiiiinnnn Lawrence’s friends on Maaaaaaarrrrrrrttttiiiinnnnnn! The fat one, not the bald one with glasses. His name is Slasher; he’s a used car salesman.

00:12:15 Fuck me. Is this going to turn into some sort of Movie Movie? It’s like Disaster Movie got toothpasted into Feast. They’re taking characters from everything they watched this year. Slasher about the car salesman, “Breaking Bad,” Wild Hogs, midget wrestling.

00:13:29 Slasher just jumped into a busted up beige car and started backing out over people trying to escape. He’s already my favorite character, so assuredly he’s going to die.

00:13:49 Slasher’s wife and his employee are having sex in the backseat of the car that Slasher took to escape in. Slasher’s wife is named…I’m not even fucking kidding, SECRETS, because according to her Survivor: This Movie audition tape, she believes in The Secret. (Actually, it’s the Law of Attraction, which is a better book by Esther and Jerry Hicks, but it’s easier to make fun of something you saw in Barnes and Noble one time and maybe on Oprah.) Secret has a Charlie’s Angels perm.

00:14:25 The guy she’s fucking is named Greg Swank. That’s his name. For fucking real. I think they decided that if they gave everyone Smokey and the Bandit haircuts and facial hair they wouldn’t actually have to give them characters.

00:14:43 From Greg Swank’s clip: “I’m a ne’er-do-well and I have a moustache. This doesn’t happen overnight.” This is my new slogan for life. Greg Swank had better die in the next fifty seconds.

00:14:53 Crashed car. The NEXT MORNING all big on the screen. Guess our rugby scrum is over. So there’s our cast. And so far, we’ve got one murder in fifteen minutes. This would be twentyteen fewer than the first movie. Already, off to a bad start.

00:15:00 What kind of Biker Chick has a fucking spyglass? Did she borrow it from the midget pirate in the last scene? Seriously, they just shot the scene through a full-on collapsible spyglass. Apparently, the Biker Chick’s gang is comprised of old members of the band, Heart. Oooooooh. Barracuda.

00:16:00 All that Project: Greenlight budget, and all they could afford were four dead extras covered in karo syrup in the streets of Trenton, NJ circa 1982. They must have spent the extra budget money on the fake head sitting against the curb.

Is it wrong that I’m no longer disgusted or disturbed by the sight of a severed head in a movie, but rather disappointed at its placement?

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

This movie is severely lacking in gore. They’re just wandering around the abandoned town covered in dead bodies, looking rather bored. If someone yells out “Hellloooo!” I swear I’m hunting down Dunstan and Melton with a spear.

00:16:25 Gas is only 2.16 a gallon in this town? Fuck a monster, I’m moving there.

00:16:54 Intense piano music. I guess that means tension. Or else Peter Venkman is checking out their apartment for ghosts. Or John Carpenter stroked out writing Halloween X and can only play the theme with one hand in the lower keys.

00:16:53 Slasher, Secrets, and Swank — the worst law firm in Bumblefuck — are still alive. I’ve got a good feeling they’ll stick around long enough to die horribly.

Odds on the Black Guy dying first: 16:1
Odds on the Black Guy outliving Swank and his cheatin’ wife: 2:1
Odds on me shaving my face to have a Swank moustache and offer nickel rides: 4:3

They’re hiding in some sort of boarded up hovel. The attack of the Feast monsters happened suddenly, in the middle of the night, completely by surprise, and yet somewhere they found the time to hammer up picket fence slats over a window with no visible tools. It’s little attentions to detail like that they get you out of your meager Blockbuster job and writing horror sequels into the middle innings of a dreadful series.

00:17:20 Slasher just called Greg Swank a nimrod. Did they get their insults out of a 1930’s edition of Mad Magazine? What’s next? A paltroon? A clod? A dunderhead?

Greg Swank sees a batch of biker chicks pull up in town carrying shotguns, with a half-dead old bartender strapped to the back of one of the bikes and he thinks to himself, we should run for the town jail. Wh-wh-what?

Slasher’s right. Greg’s a fucking nimrod. Him and his swank moustache.

00:17:27 Secret wished for this. She used the power of The Secret! to visualize…biker chicks. Or does she mean she visualized the monsters? Either way, The Secret makes bad things happen. Unless you’re into rough sex and leather and latex.

00:17:52 Ha! Slasher just called Mannie Lennox a dude. I’m not the only one seeing this. I don’t think it’s her bandana headband and short hair so much as the penis and balls and growly Batman voice.

00:18:00 I guess they boarded up the windows so John Gulager could hire his epileptic nephew to hold a digicam and shoot only a quarter inch of daylight with someone’s leg in it.

But who needs film school when Ben Affleck likes your script?

00:18:26 Greg is a wife-fucker. That’s the best insult Slasher could come up with? That’s like calling someone “Nice Tits” or “Bigcock”.

00:18:39 Apparently, Biker Queen’s entire purpose for driving through the film is to find Balthazar Getty and kill him for blowing up her twin sister. He’s not even in this movie. But according to the picture on the box, everyone else is. The fuck.

00:19:00 Oh, I get it. She’s not so much a butch lesbian as Joan Jett. Maybe she’s break out in “Do You Wanna Touch”? Well, either way, she’s coming to get the law offices of Shithead, Moustache, and Token Black Dude.

She called Slasher “fatback.” I give up on trying to have a legitimate writing career. I’m just going to make my money rewriting Dunstan and Melton’s insults.

00:20:00 Holy shit. Bartender won’t take any of Mannie Lennox’s shit. He’s telling her he was in Dubya-Dubya-Two. John McCain is up in the hizzle!

00:20:11 What the fuck is that thing tattooed on Mannie Lennox’s neck? I think it’s supposed to be a butterfly or the moth from the cover of Silence of the Lambs. Whatever covers the Adam’s Apple, I reckon.

00:20:51 Uh-oh. Someone cued up the heavy metal riffs. And we’re getting random scared shots of biker girls. Someone better fucking die soon or I’m going to enter the screen with my magic John Ritter remote and start fucking killing things.

00:21:09 A car just fell out of the sky, apparently thrown over a building by a monster, and DIDN’T LAND ON ANYBODY! What the fuck, Dorothy! Aim the fucking house better, bitch!

00:21:21 One of the feast beasts is chasing a random biker chick down the street. He looks like a red version of Swamp Man from Monster Squad. Where’s Fatkid with the shotgun? Now I fully understand why the first movie was shot entirely at night in bad lighting. Cause these costumes are teh suck.

00:21:23: She punched him. Debbie Gibson fucking punched a feast monster in the face. She’s banging on the wall to be let in. but they are leaving her to die. So much for solidarity between 80’s rock legends. Samantha Fox is gonna be pissed.

00:21:57 Gah! All we get are few crunching sounds and a little bloody face makeup, once again shot through a slatted window. Gulager needs to fire his cousin.

00:22:17 The entire back wall of the building fell over. I don’t know if that was actually in the script or if a carpenter just got his ass fired.

00:22:51 Now everyone is running. What the fuck kind of camera angle is that? They’re shooting people running down an alley from above, but the camera is turned sideways. My girlfriend thinks it should be called a “cockeyed birdseye.” I think I’d rather be giving her a cockeyed birdseye instead of watching anything.

00:24:00 Back from sex. Did I miss anything? Nope. It still looks like a Monkees video shot in Darfur. Too soon?

Shortest chase scene ever. The Biker Queen is still intent on killing Balthazar Getty instead of worrying about being chased through a strange town by flesh-craving monsters. I guess she’s really got a wild hair up her ass about infidelity with Sienna Miller.

00:25:15 They tried to kick in the door to Getty’s shitty apartment and got confronted by a father and his two kids holding shotguns. It would have been much cooler if it were “My Two Dads” with shotguns. Paul Reiser, you better recognize!

00:26:13 After a mexican standoff, the Biker Chicks inexplicably gun down the entire family. No one on her team is even scratched even though they’re in a multiple gun firefight in a hallway the size of a closet. The son is twitching on the ground from a neck shot. Apparently, someone called bacon.

00:26:19 No, wait. The Dad is still alive. But not for long. A pink haired Biker in a bikini has two hammers in her hands. For some reason, she’s about to Voltron his skull. And blood sprays the wall. I guess she’s not a fan of “My Two Dads.”

00:26:50 Honey Pie from the first movie just popped out. I hope to Christ they murder her based on her bullshit behavior in the first movie.

00:27:35 Ahahahaahah! Immediately following her stuuuuupid montage, the Bartender totally socked her in the face! Now he’s calling her a dumb cunt and beating her head against a toilet seat.

00:27:53 He’s still cracking her head, while Mannie Lennox is admiring the decor.

00:28:00 Still bashing. Now there’s blood. If they kill Honey Pie in the first five seconds of her appearance in the film, I will totally redeem this film and review it. This sort of comic mayhem is what made the first film great.

00:28:07 Now he’s smashing her against the wall. She’s screaming, “No! He’s going to kill me!” No shit, you dumb cunt.

00:28:14 And for his finishing move, he’s going to throw her….on a futon? Booooo! Finish her! She left you all to die in your bar while she escaped in the truck that was supposed to save you! And she only made it one town over! She’s sneaky, stupid and worthless! FINISH HER!

00:28:18 He just called her a “fraulein twat.” Truly, he is John McCain.

00:28:30 The bartender props her up. (Fuck, Honey Pie is packing heat in her pants. This might end badly for the old man.) And then he totally hits her in the face with a fucking elbow drop. What the fuck? When the fuck did this become WWE? Where are those midget wrestlers? Is her going to suplex her or swing dance? Borrow that hammer from Pink and FUCKING FINISH HER!

00:29:00 The old dude is actually growling at Honey Pie. Mannie Lennox approves.

00:29:03 He’s not. He’s not gonna do that.

00:29:06 HOLY FUCKING MOTHER OF GOD! He just bit off her fucking ear! He ripped it off with his teeth and spit it out on to the rug! McCain/ Tyson ‘08!

00:29:21 Brain trust just remembered she had a gun.

00:29:45 Mannie Lennox recognizes the piece. It was her sister’s. Oh snap.

00:30:07 “She deserved it.” T-minus imminent death to blonde stock actress in ten…nine…

00:30:11 WTFROFLBBQ?! The Bartender just bumrushed her and tackled her out the second story window! But she’s still alive! And unharmed! And unscathed! And unable to wear sunglasses!

00:30:16 Slasher runs out screaming, “It’s raining bitches out here!” Oh, Carl Anthony Payne. You poor man’s Tracy Morgan.

00:30:41 Slasher just got a cell phone call from…Thunder? I guess the midgets heard all the wrestling and wanted in.

00:31:00 There is a giant pile of monster shit on the ground. Someone had better end up face first in that. What was it Raymond Chandler used to say? “If you take a big shit on stage in the first act, you better have two girls eat it from a cup in the third.”

00:31:09 No midget. Mannie Lennox and the rest of the Eurythmics are on the scene cold cocking a brother. He’s just trying to get his sideburn on.

00:31:37 In the metal shop is a monster. We are helped in this identification by Secrets, who screams “MONSTER!” Please, Goddess of Horror Films! Bring unto her a most gruesome demise post haste!

00:31:46 Ope, psyche. It was just Thunder holding up a monster corpse. But Mannie Lennox totally busted a cap in it’s ass to be safe.

00:32:03 Thunder totally just midget hurdled the monster corpse. You don’t learn that shit in Stella Adler. That comes from the streets, bitches.

00:32:30 Lightning just popped up from under a car shouting in Spanish, “You saved the pussy!” Oh, Spanish Stereotypes, when will the hurting stop?

00:32:57 Mannie Lennox just asked if they killed the monster. “They got lucky.” Lucky is a cooking fork or spike of some sort. Which is labeled in gold. And which Lightning apparently shoved up the monster’s ass and perforated his intestines with. It’s all replayed in helpful X-Ray vision.

00:33:02 Everyone’s now hanging out in a tent with an old spanish version of Mrs. Wilson from Dennis the Menace.

00:33:13 An army convoy is apparently going town to town picking up survivors, so basically if they just stay there for 15 hours, they’ll be safe. Somehow, folks, I don’t think it’s going to work. Ugh, and this movie feels like it’s been on for 15 hours.

00:33:36 Looks like the Methhead has locked up the jail. Which they all must break into, as it’s the safest place in town, because it’s made of “granite”.

00:34:04 We leave the group to hopefully find something more interesting. A trail of a blood and a woman’s scream. Honey Pie is hiding in a house while a different blonde in a blood-soaked white dress is crawling down the street shrieking.

00:34:33 Ah, the beasts got her and are dragging her away. But instead of actually watching her get mauled, we’re going to have a close-up shot of Honey Pie crying, because you know, EMOTION! And end scene!

00:35:00 At this point, we’ve got our plucky band of survivors for the rest of the film: Mannie Lennox and her band of three or four leather biker chicks, two midget luchadors and their mother? , the Bartender, and the crack legal team of Slasher, Secrets, and Swank. And hiding elsewhere is Methhobo and Honey Pie. Judah Friedlander has yet to make an appearance. Even though in the last movie he got melted by acid puke. It’s been over half an hour, and all we’ve got for it is one naked headless chick getting decapitated. Where’s all that Miramagic, Weinsteins?

00:36:01 So allegedly, the Methhobo is Balthazar Getty’s uncle. (Sidenote: Bathczar’s name was Bozo. So this would make his uncle Methbozo, which totally should have been one of the Three Wise Men’s names.) Also, Methbozo is “The Town Methhead.” I wasn’t aware that particular sash could be awarded. And all this time, I was shooting for town drunk. (Note to self: consult The Boozehound on what one should obtain for creating a starter bar.)

00:36:20 Mannie Lennox calls Methhobo on Slasher’s cell. I guess he’s got the town jail on speed dial? Because now SHE insists that instead of staying put like they’ve been for the past couple hours, they MUST go to the jail. So she can get revenge for her sister by killing Bathczar’s uncle (totally sticking with this name — also, declaring this my official title at Pajiba: Statesman, bathczar, breast enthusiast, and baseball jesus) The best way to get Methhobo to let them in is to pull an NC-17 and declare she’ll huff and she’ll puff and call him a motherfucker and threaten him..

Once again, instead of staying locked up and safe in a metal shop where no critters have bothered them all day and most of the night, and rescue seems close, the gang’s going to go to the town jail because it’s made of granite and full of Methhobo. Methhobo laughs at her, hangs up the phone, and goes back to snorting coke. He thus far is the smartest character in the film.

00:36:48 Mannie Lennox declares. “Motherfucker dies. He definitely dies.” She could advertise for Geico with dialogue like that. (Sorry, cavemen. Mea culpa.)

00:36:58 The bartender has an idea for getting into the jail. His suggestion: blow down the doors. To the impenetrable fortress of granite. That they then plan to hole up in. With exploded doors open to all kinds of monster. Fortunately Thunder the Tiny Pirate and Slasher McSideburns inform him that he’s full up of dumbass.

00:37:45 Slasher suggests they make a key. Aha! Because we find out earlier that the two midget wrestlers own and operate a key shop. That’s what they call a character trait. They’re keymakers.

Once more, Tiny Pirate Thunder is the voice of intelligence. How the fuck can he make a key from a door he can’t see. The answer? With Manny Lennox’s spyglass. Where’s Jack Sparrow? Sail me out of this picture and give me rum.

00:38:23 Honey Pie is running from hiding place to hiding place, trying to break into various stores.

00:39:20 From across the street and through a spyglass, supposedly the midget can identify the type of lock and fashion a key in their shop. Bravo, writers. I’ll buy that for a dollar.

00: 39:45 Back to Honey Pie. Why the fuck, in every horror/action movie, do people feel the need to crawl in to airconditioning ducts? Of course, Honey falls through the ceiling and into the shitty five and dime. That fall of all of ten feet rattles her, but getting bullrushed out a second story window through a pane of glass and landing bareback on pavement — nothing.

00:41:00 Honey finds the storekeep all gutted. Oh noes!

00:41:10 The rest of the cast is in the metal shop getting ready to fire up their plan. The midgets are going to sneak over to their key shop and whittle up a key. Which they’re going to get over to the jail somehow? Maybe through stealth technology?

Greg Swank is dragging around the monster corpse, because he wants to autopsy the critter to find out how it works inside. Now’s a perfect time — for SCIENCE! I hope he gets fucking eaten.

00:43:00 Lightning finally takes off his mask! Now, at last, we get to see his tiny Mexican mullet. Death must be approaching. Because for a movie called Sloppy Seconds, this is about as dry as Rosie O’Donnell’s twat at an all boy’s school graduation ceremony.

00:43:19 They’re going to dissect the creature with a blowtorch? What medical school did Swank go to? Hollywood Upstairs?

00:43:36 Hollywood Upstairs works, I reckon. The critter splits open, and surprise, they’re are gooey guts inside. Greg pokes around with a sharp stick…and the monster farts. I waited almost 45 minutes for a fucking fart joke? Bring me Judd Apatow! This film needs a dick joke STAT!

00:44:56 The fart smells of Bigfoot’s Dick and Sex Panther. Greg pokes him again, and he’s a gusher! It’s spurting a geyser of greenish goo. Judging by the last film, no good can come of this, since monster bodily fluids are acidic. The “You Can’t Do That On Television” slime splatters all over Mama Lucha. Vaya con dios, senora. Them key makin’ midgets is gonna be pissed.

00:45:54 Back to Honey Pie, who for no good reason is now trying to break out of the store she’s hiding in. Her brilliant plan is to shatter a door that reads “Unbreakable Glass” with a baseball bat. After she just spent all that time climbing into the store. This is the same girl who tried to load a bullet into the barrel of an automatic pistol in the first movie. Death cannot come more swiftly and brutally to this woman, so undoubtedly, she is fated to survive.

00:47:12 She attacked the door with a bat, a golf club, and an iron pipe. I’m thinking, “Why not try the lock? Cause you’re inside the door?” But I think that’s the whole joke. She’s so stupid, she can’t work a lock. Personally, I think the joke is on the Weinstein Brothers for funding this fucking trilogy.

00:47:28 She dug in the shopkeep’s pants for the keys. She goes to unlock it. A monster smashes into the door and sends her sprawling against the floor, where she’s now unconscious.

00:47:52 The midgets are STILL making that fucking key! The power keeps going on and off intermittently. Because in horror movies, this creates tension. In movie reviewers, this creates a desire to go eat Taco Bell and watch something else.

00:48:18 I now officially hate Greg Swank. He’s the director’s brother. I want him to die like Aarst in Lost. Once again, Dr. Science is prodding the innards. He squeezes a kidney and the monster farts blood into Secrets’ face. I now love Greg Swank.

00:48:24 Oop. Everyone starts to puke. But alas, no Lardass to revel in his blueberry pie glee. Greg offers Secrets his jacket, and she slips in vomit and falls on her ass. She cries, “I can’t take it!” You and me both, sister.

00:49:25 Finally, Mannie Lennox tells Greg to stop playing liquid Operation inside the badly made latex prop. He responds, “This is science.” Goddess of Horror Films, will no one deliver Samuel L. “Deep Blue Sea” Justice upon this man?

00:49:30 He judo-chops a kidney and the creature starts spewing a thick gruel out of its’ penis. Whether its sperm or urine, only God and the makers of Chunky soup truly know. (Guess I got my dick joke. Sigh.) And now we get a bunch of slo-mo freeze-frame shots of people vomiting as piss squirts on them. It’s still no worse than most of the porn sites B-Slim runs. Oh, we get a final puke on the camera lens shot. Edgy, Gulager. Now I see why you won “Project: Greenlight.”

00:50:56 “What the fuck is that?” I imagine that was the Weinstein Brothers’ reaction to screening the rough cut of the film. The fuck is apparently a giant eyeball and mouth inside the creatures insides. Not that he ate them, but that he has them grafted to where his spine and heart might be. It looks like Obleena from Aaah! Real Monsters. Or possibly a partially digested Chairie from “Pee Wee’s Playhouse.” A penis-tongue like appendage is climbing from the mouth. And now the monster is shrieking a sonic death boom.

00:52:20 It took them almost a full two or three minutes to figure out that the best way to shut up the monster was blasting it with a shotgun.

00:52:34 Ayudame! Grandma (not Mama as once I thought) is melting. Abuelita = little gramma. Go peripheral spanish knowledge! Uh-oh. The lil’ luchas are back. They were gone two fucking minutes my ass. I’ve already filmed the fourth movie in the time it took you to make a fucking key. The bartender totally narcs on Greg. Tiny Pirate calls him a fucking pendajo. Lightning shouts, in Spanish, “I shit on the mother who gave you birth!” I totally want that as my ring tone. Winner in the insult contest? Spanish Flea.

00:53:00 The monsters start banging on the walls of the shed, as if the filmmakers suddenly realized, “Oh yeah! This is a monster movie!”

00:53:43 Grandma’s sluicing apart. So the two luchas stuff her in a sack and carry her out like laundry. Now we’re finally getting somewhere. Slasher kicks Greg off the stairs as they are escaping and leaves him for dead! Yeah!

00:54:30 For some reason, everything is being shot in Night Vision. Uh, it’s back to normal…nope, night vision. It’s like the Paris Hilton porno, only slightly better acted.

00:55:30 Granny is only squishy tamale. Lightning once again take off his mask, to honor Bag o’ Grandma.

00:56:30 Secrets suddenly realizes she can’t find Greg. Slasher says he didn’t make it. But I still love you baby. Oh, rekindling the romance! No, wait. Greg came up through another door. Which probably would have been easier than climbing the ladder everyone else did. So now, everybody is trapped on the roof. And as a coda to the scene, Spanish Flea tackles Greg and calls him an anus. Dialogue is awesome. You should try it.

00:59:30 Back with Honey Pie, who’s unconscious. Now we’re in a dream sequence. Ah, Judah Friedlander appears. And Honey Pie, dressed in a sequined bikini is making out with him, as he rains maggots and tiny caterpillars all over her. Now, he’s puking clear goo on her. Judah’s face is breaking part like an egg. Endeth flashback.

1:01:45 Two monsters are fucking outside of the shop. Or maybe he was fucking a cat. There was a shot of a cat. And we have another instant monster baby. This would be awesome if it didn’t happen funnier and faster in the original film. That’s the problem with this movie. The first Feast was funny and gory and people were getting killed every five seconds and being stupid and shit. This one is so fucking long. Mayhem! Soon!

1:04:00 The roof people hear a baby crying. And now it’s morning and raining. This movie is taking FIVEever. People need to die soon.

1:05:50 Dr. Science has a swanky plan again. He’s going to gather up a powerline and swing off the roof to the street below and run to the baby. He says, “If it’s dumb, I don’t want to be smart.” Death be not too proud to smite him. These writers saw too many fucking pirate movies. Swank makes it and runs to a station wagon, where an adorable baby is sitting in the backseat.

1:07:40 Finally, they’re starting to act like the first movie! Swank is fleeing the monsters, carrying the baby like a goddamn football. He catches the powerline and swings up on the roof! He doesn’t make it. The biker gang is shooting at the monster’s as Greg is trying to flee.

1:08:54 Greg apologizes to the baby before throwing it up into the air. It’s floating like Labyrinth! It’s making a crying face. Oooh. Poor baby. The baby totally shatters on the ground like a watermelon. And the monsters eat the dead baby corpse. There are little baby hands and chunks o’ baby back ribs all in a splatter pool!

Oh! A monster is on the roof and bit one of the biker chicks! Finally, shit is going nuts. Monsters are on the roof, and people are fighting them with pipes and clubs and guns. After all that, only one person is bitten, but not dead. Even fucking Greg climbed back on the roof. Secrets is going to smash him with a shovel! No, she didn’t. Dammit.

This is what made the first Feast great. A complete disregard for human decency. Absolute bloodshed and carnage.

1:11:48 They are going to throw the biker chick who’s wounded off the roof as a sacrifice to lure the monsters away. This is Mannie Lennox’s plan. This is also the EXACT SAME THING she is after Bathczar Getty for, for doing this to her sister. Wounded fodder splatters on the ground. She’s writhing around, with her intestines spilling out. There must have been a sale on fake guts at Costco this week. But they left her a gun, and she’s firing up at them. Hahah! Hit one! Nope, the monsters et her.

1:12:54 Well that accomplished nothing. And Honey Pie is still trapped and trying to break free from the store she worked hard to climb into.

1:13:20 Uh, oh. I heard a wet splat. That means it’s time for the baby feaster to cause mayhem. Baby feaster my ass. That looks like one of the midget wrestlers is pulling double duty. What the fuck is with Melton and Dunstan and wrestling midgets?

1:15:20 Sound like some rock riffs for escapin’ music. I have no fucking idea what’s going on anymore. Except that they’re building something and everything is superimposed like they’re trying to sell a Wayne Newton Christmas Album. I hope they’re building a pirateship, but chances are it’s a bridge or ladder of some sort.

1:16:45 I was way off. They built a fucking trebuchet out of the biker’s clothing. So now we’ve got two topless biker chicks. And the plan is to fire the midgets over on to the roof of the jail so they can break in, beat up Methbozo and let everyone in to the jail. But to test out the catapult, they want to fire over the Bag o’ Grandma. We’re finally getting into the sublimely ridiculous. Too little, too late, but about fucking time.

1:19:40 Now the midgets are wrestling in a showdown to see if Bag o’ Granny gets shot over. This is so stupid, my soul just withered and died. Thunder wins, so they will shoot the Granny Sack over to the jail. Oh, by the way, she’s still alive. She’s just 65% juice, like Sunny D.

1:20:50 “Alright, cinch that bag of grandma and bring it over here.” Best line of the movie, so far. Again, why they needed to throw the other biker chick off the roof, I have no idea. But if that’s what it takes for them to get two chicks topless while they build a rooftop catapult to fire a midget and most of his abuelita on to the roof of Methbozo’s jail, then God Bless America.

1:22:00 Honey Pie is now using the claws of the monster to chip away at the breakaway glass. Fuck her! Show me the midget-buchet!

1:22:45 Here goes Granny! Nope, she weighs too much, so they’re peeling parts off her to make it work. They just poured out a liquid slush of Grandma. She is STILL ALIVE. Aw. Lightning kissed her mushy face. “Fly with the angels, Grandma. Go with God!”

1:24:30 And…..IT’S GOOD! The Sack o’ Grandma exploded, but it made it!

1:25:30 Back to Honey Pie? Augh! She’s taking off her pants to cover the broken glass. Another monster broke in, but Honey Pie in her bloody white panties escapes.

1:26:12: Looks like Thunder’s the cannonball. He’s got a fucking Virgin Mary tattooed on his chest. Is it appropriate to refer to a midget as being Tattooed, or is that a racial slur?

1:26:55 Honey Pie is staggering half naked through the town. Holding a gun.

What the fuck? The Puker from the first film showed up and got mauled by monsters. Why couldn’t they bring back Henry Rollins? So he could do some of his stand up comedy. Or kill everyone in the film.

1:27:30 The midget is up…up…and NO GOOD! The kick is blocked, the Cardinals win! The midget crashes to the ground and the monsters are tearing him apart.

1:28:39 And the motorcycle component of the trebuchet (how and when the fuck did they get a motorcycle up on the roof) just exploded and….blew an iron pipe through Greg Swank’s skull! But he’s not dead. He’s just gagging and standing there, begging for help. Slasher sees him, and grins at him. Sucker!

1:29:20 Shit is going crazy. The Spanish midget is sneaking across the street in a fucking trashcan. Look at his little tiny legs! Thunder is still alive, but he’s only a torso and upperbody. He’s dragging himself across the street. I have no idea what kind of fraction represents what’s left of him. 3/8ths? He’s half a man, and half of himself, but a little less than half. I think 5/16ths.

1:30:06: Lightning has the key! Honey Pie avoided getting run over by a train, and the midget is off and running!

1:30:59 The midget has to fight past Methhobo. Methhobo grabbed a stick of…dynamite? Is this Toon Town? Greg is still dying, Honey Pie is still escaping slowly.

Methhobo just lit the fuse on the dynamite and jammed it in the jailhouse door. The jail explodes, the trash can flies across the street, presumably cooking up the little frejole inside.

A metal piece from the trash can whips off and YES! It spikes into the back of Honey Pie’s head! She’s dead! She’s dead!

1:32:03 The monsters break through the roof. One rushes the camera and….that’s it? That’s the end of the movie? Who’s dead?

1:32::07 The end credits are on Honey Pie’s head. Blood pools from her face, filling the screen. I guess we won’t find out who’s dead until we watch Feast III: The Happy Finish. I shit you not, that’s what it’s called.

1:34:46 FUCK! DOUBLE STUFFED FUCK! She’s not dead. It was a credits fake out. She gags and reaches for her gun. She stumbles to her feet and screams, and now the movie is over, and I’m dead inside.

Topless midget catapult aside, that was a terrible fucking movie. And they’re making another one. And these two jadrools are making Saw VI. Goddess of Horror Films! Smite them! SMITE THEM!

I need a fucking drink.

Brian Prisco is a warrior-poet from the valley of North Hollywood, by way of Philadelphia. He wastes most of his life in desk jobs, biding his time until he finally becomes an actor, a writer, or cannon fodder in the inevitable zombie invasion. He can be found shaking his fist and angrily shouting at clouds on his blog, The Gospel According to Prisco.

Real Time Review of Feast 2: Sloppy Seconds / Brian Prisco

Film | October 15, 2008 |

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