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The Expendables 2 Review: Finally A Real Movie for Real Men with Real Dicks Who Definitely Love Women

By Dustin Rowles | Film Reviews | August 17, 2012 | Comments ()


expendables-2_610.jpeg

Yes, thank you, The Expendables 2! Fuck Yeah! I'm so tired of all these action-movie franchises from those metrosexual vaginas like Christopher Nolan and Joss Whedon full of characters with "motivations," so-called "clever" lines, complexities, and feelings. Screw those pretty boys jumping around and "selectively" killing morally questionable people, as well as these stuck-up feminists with their bows and arrows and their conflicted feelings thinking they can pick and choose their victims. Real men shoot first, asks questions later, and say things like, "Real men shoot firsts and ask questions later." If there's a village full of faceless Asians standing in the way of a big payout and a real man, that real man will drop a bomb on that village and show his dick to all the headless corpses strewn in his pathway so they will know he's a real man with a real dick who definitely loves women. Because Fuck Yeah! 'Nuff said.

They say that tragedy plus time equals comedy, but I have no idea what that has to do with a bunch of '80s action stars in a 2012 movie showing off their huge, gorgeous biceps, which they definitely need to shoot those big guns indiscriminately. Expendables 2 has got everything you need: It's got Stallone, and Arnie, and Bruce, and Statham, and Lundgren, and that wrestler guy whose name I don't know, and also Fuck Yeah! Chuck Norris, who plays like, the Lone Wolf, because real men are loners who definitely have big dicks and cool beards.

What's Expendables 2 about? It's about Fuck Yeah! That's what's it's about. 'Nuff said. But it's also about big strapping men shooting things, sometimes with machine guns, sometimes with pistols, and sometimes with missiles, and they say cool things like "Rock and Roll," and "Yippee-Ki-Yay," and "Let's roll," and "Rest in pieces." Then Arnie says, "I'll be back!" not once, but twice, which is awesome because that's what he used to say at the end of every speech when he was the governor of California and getting his maid pregnant, because that's what real men do. Fuck Yeah!

See, what happens is this. All these guys, they shoot some things, and then they get paid, and then Bruce Willis is like, "You have to do this job or else," and they're like, "OK!" And so they do it, and they steal this computer from a safe, and then Jean Claude Van Damme shows up and takes the computer away from them, which has a map to an abandoned Russian mine with a bunch of plutonium in it. Then Van Damme kills the young guy, which nobody cares about because he wasn't in Rambo, and he probably wasn't even born before Planet Hollywood filed for bankruptcy. Then all those guys deliver some puns written by Donald Trump's reality-show screenwriter, and then kill some more things because Fuck Yeah! Then they play that awesome song that isn't Foghat because they have to hold something back for the sequel and then the credits roll and my boner goes away.

True story, I swear to God: I was listening to talk radio after the movie, like you do, and this woman was on, and she said something that really spoke to me. First, she agreed with the host that Barack Obama is neither black nor an intellectual, which Fuck Yeah! right? (Don't let his skin color or his fancy degrees fool you; Barack Obama is definitely a white guy. And also a Muslim). Then she said, "I really like this Republican ticket, because we're finally getting some real men in office, instead of an angry, black metrosexual." THEN she said, "I'm just tired of all these liberal feminists taking over our country," and I was like, YES. I need to find that woman so she can come to my house and make me dinner and fold my clothes. But it was also, like, so on point, because that's exactly what I was thinking vis-à-vis The Expendables 2. This is a real man's movie. Real men don't think. They just point and shoot and then say something cool like, "Fuck Yeah!" That's what the 80s were about, you know? Hair bands and mullets and sex and drugs and rock n' roll and killing Commies and also family values! And chicks servicing me while I watch dudes shoot guns. Expendables 2 reminded me of just how good we used to have it in the 80s before women started taking our jobs and worshipping waif-y British men with small guns who spoke in complete sentences instead of cool catch phrases. Why do all the gay guys get all the poon? I can't compete with that. That's what's so great about the Expendables franchise: They don't even try to compete; they stubbornly persist in making the same movies they made 25 years ago, and I'm just sad and pathetic enough to buy into it because I ache to return to the simpler days when bad guys got got and bullets magically missed the good guys. Fuck Yeah!



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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • John G.

    Arnold Schwarzenegger's face looks like an Arnold Schwarzenegger prosthetic in that picture.

  • N.E. Pajibawriter

    This movie was tho upthetting, I had to mince home and put on my DVD of "Hannah Takes the Thtairs." FAB-ulous!

  • stryker1121

    Got about halfway through the review and was overpowered by the snark. You know, Dustin, those 80s action movies were quite fun and weren't meant to have emotional heft like the other films you cited. Expendables 2 may be a shit movie but it's insulting to assume that fans of the genre are hawkish Repub dude-bro dumbasses. Boo on you, stereotype boy. This review was just lazy.

  • Mrs. Julien

    It's times likes these I particularly resent my inability to comment during the work day.

  • Flash

    Can't a movie innocently pay homage to cheesy 80s action movies without being accused of being jingoistic and meatheaded?

    Wait, I forgot. It doesn't matter, because it's still awesome. FUCK YEAH.

  • no one

    Saw the review title and who this was by and knew going in it was going to be nothing but sarcasm. Dustin, or at least the Dustin character he plays on Pajiba, wouldn’t know a movie or anything else that was for real men with real dicks who definitely love women.

  • These movies are great, because I send the boys off to watch and get the afternoon to myself so I can watch men AND women shoot stuff and be funny with a plot and sex. Yep, Strike Back is on the DVR.

  • Vic

    So, the movie is bad because it has action? beards? biceps? Stallone? What if there was a huge green CGI monstrosity and leather-clad Scarlet Johanhsen, would that be better?

  • Jezzer

    Yes, because "The Avengers" and "The Expendables" are the Exact Same Thing, barring those two items.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    I think you should reconsider Timothy Greene and rereview it immediately after watching this movie.

  • Milly

    The Stath.

    Faaahck Yeah, Tommy.

  • Mr.West

    The above review is a travesty of satire. This is real satire: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...

  • melissa82

    Ha, "Rediscover Red, White, and BOOM!" -- That was pretty great

  • Mr. West

    I like it.

  • SERENA

    GHYTYT

  • JGSOLID

    I grew chest hair and a beard after finishing this review!

  • llp

    ME TOO. I wonder if Cosmo has an article on how to deal with this type of emergency in bikini season.

  • Geena Phillips

    Dear Dustin;

    Thank you for injecting your emo-13-year-old-girl politics into YET ANOTHER review. Now my day is complete.

  • TK

    Wow, your days are really fucking boring.

  • Jezzer

    Dear gbeenie,

    Thank you for injecting your butthurt into the comment section. Now my day is complete as well.

  • Jeremy Carrier

    All this satirical, postmodern, "isn't this all so silly and republican" humor aside, I want to say that I actually rather enjoyed this film after being very disappointed with the first one. It's a simple film with a simple premise and it goes out there and does it with gutso. In a summer of ambitious failures like Prometheus, or slick mediocre reboot/retooling like ASM, Bourne Filler, and Total Recall, I think it's kinda admirable to see a light concept well executed.

    Oh and uh FUCK YEAH!!!11

  • Quatermain

    I've got two weeks off of work starting Monday. This movie and beer is how I'm kicking off my vacation.

  • Guest

    ❤.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    You inserted a period after the heart. Cute and grammatically correct (in a way).

  • Guest

    Like me. /zing!

  • Annapurna

    This review made me laugh like mad.

  • Jim Slemaker

    Let me summarize for this pussy DR: He loved it. He's embarrassed that he loved. He'll love E3 when it comes out. Fuck, yeah!

  • junierizzle

    IIll be honest, I didn't hate it. All the Van Damme scenes were my favorite. Its better than the first but that's not saying much. It would actually be a great little action movie if they took out all the forced comedy and really forced catch phrases. The Chuck Norris joke was so hard to watch.

  • This guy told me he was a metrosexual. I think that means he has sex with subway trains.

  • The Natural

    Hey, suck my dick, Count Queerenstein. I'm a martial artist, and I killed the wrestler in the last movie.

    Shit... is "Count Queerenstein" still an acceptable insult? I heard some guy call Tito Ortiz that on a forum back in '03, and I don't want to offend the Romanians post-Ceaușescu.

  • TK

    I don't know if it's the alcohol talking or not, but this is one of my favorite comments of all time.

  • Dave D

    Was this the greatest movie review of all time? Fuck Yeah!

  • I am not reading this review because I do not care. I will never, ever, under any circumstances known to man watch this movie. I'm not even going to bother learning what he-man, woman-hating, war-loving, dick-swinging, jingo-jango plot the Committee came up with.

    I just wanted to come in here and say I am still laughing my fucking ass off at the title of this review. I can't stop!

  • Jezzer

    I couldn't be bothered to read your entire comment, but I just wanted to take the time to write up a reply about how I read the first sentence, rolled my eyes, and moved on.

  • dahlia6

    Sort of sidebar here, because that's my thing, but my dad worships at the altar of Chuck Norris and Steven Segal, and he's definitely of the type the little women need to stay home and take care of shit because he has big manly shit to do. Anyway, when I was in high school, we got in a big screaming match about him being a lazy baby asshole around the house, to which he responded by saying it was my job and then taking a nap on the couch. My response? I went to the kitchen and got a roll of duct tape. My dad was shirtless, and has the typical manly hairy chest to go with his macho bullshit. So I tore off a strip about two feet long and slapped it on his chest while he was sleeping, then went off and did the rest of my 'women's work'. A couple of hours later, when he woke up, he got to experience his first metrosexual experience by ripping that tape off and having a nice, freshly de-haired chest. I just felt I was doing my part by letting him experience the other side of the male identity.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    I guess that's another spot on the eloquence list, then? Not that I mind, though.

    Just out of curiositiy: what was his reaction towards you after his de-hairification?

  • dahlia6

    Believe it or not, nothing. I think he figured if I'd stoop to doing something like that once, what I'd do for revenge the next time might involve his Mr. Hangy-lows.

  • I am so glad you don't live in my city it is elder abuse and frankly I think your full of it...

  • dahlia6

    For God's sake, the man was 43 at the time. An elder at the turn of the 18th century, maybe, but definitely not now.

  • Green Lantern

    FUCK YEAH!

  • That's elder abuse. Are you really proud of yourself?
    FUCK YEAH!

  • It's funny Chuck Norris is in this movie, because in a lot of ways The Expendables franchise reminds me of Chuck. I'm sure we all remember the whole Chuck Norris facts and how funny they were because Chuck is really lame. And how Chuck (like Rick "Roll" Astley) tried to capitalize on his sudden resurgence in popularity because he missed the point of the joke and thought that people actually liked him.

    That's what The Expendables is. A bunch of old guys who mistake people laughing at them for people laughing with them.

    Probably had too much metrosexual complete sentences going on up there. 'MERCA! FUCK YEAH!

  • Your such an idiot you have no idea how Chuck Norris is he is a wonderful human being that does a lot of work with his wife for feeding the homeless and helping others who have little.They both have dedicated their life on giving back to others because they have been so blessed...You could take some lessons and do a little homework on him before you judge Chuck..

  • DarthCorleone

    Don't worry. David Sorenson must be Chuck Norris in disguise, because only Chuck Norris could criticize Chuck Norris on the Internet and live to tell about it.

  • I could be glib here and ask if you're his mother, or be a snot and point out that it's "You're such an idiot" and not "your." Instead I'm just going to clarify that I was in fact talking of his career and not him as a person. Try not to take things so seriously.

  • Gina

    No one's calling Chuck Norris a bad person, only talking about his career. Calm down.

  • firedmyass

    Totally calling ol' Chuck a bad person, right here. I've read some of his articles he "wrote" for far-right sites. He's fucking egregious.

  • Mara

    Don't sully Rick Astley's name with this!

  • Damn straight, Rick's no pussy. And no stranger to love, he knows the rules. And so do I.

  • Salad_Is_Murder

    A full commitment's what's he thinking of, you wouldn't get that from any other guy.

    He just wants to tell you how he's feeling, he's gotta' make you understnad.

  • Slash

    I saw the first one (not my choice, i was at my sister's and I think my BIL rented it or whatever). It sucked. It wasn't fun. And it was kinda boring. But I'm sure that lots of Larry the Cable Guy types thought it was awesome. Now that I know better, I won't be tricked into sitting through the sequel.

  • Archie Leach

    I worship john rambo because he corrected history by single-handedly kicked the shit out of those pajama wearing heathen commie slanty gooks and made the world safe for all patriotic red-blooded men.

  • He also freed the Afghani's from occupation too, so they could run their own country again. Because when you give a country freedom from foreign... never mind.

  • e jerry powell

    I'm just too black and gay for this shit.

  • mrcreosote

    pew. pewpewpew. Pewpew BOOOOOOM.
    I write next Expendables script. DON'T STEAL IT!!!

  • BWeaves

    My ovaries spoded all over the computer screen just reading this. I'll type more once I wipe up the mess.

    Ok, thank godtopus for baby wipes.

    I find it funny that the older these actions stars get, the more of them are in the same movie at the same time. I expect they'll be remaking that Space Cowboys movie soon, only with more guns and tank tops.

  • DenG

    Thank you! I had to scoot outside because I wanted to laugh and we can't have mirth in this workplace.

  • branded_redux

    then the credits roll and my
    boner goes away.

    So therefore an Expendables marathon would necessitate a doctor's visit? FUCK YEAH PRIAPISM!

  • Maguita NYC

    Also, in that top picture: Why does it look like Stallone is masturbating Schwarzy and Statham concurrently?

    FUCK-YEAH!

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    Real men circle jerk.

  • pajiba

    REAL MEN GIVE EACH OTHER HANDJOBS.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    No. Real men reach around.

  • Green Lantern

    REAL men dutch rudder!

  • Danar the Barbarian

    Am I the only one who had to go to urbandictionary.com to look up Dutch Rudder? Yes? Dammit, I knew my liberal arts education would get me nowhere.

  • $27019454

    Totally. Just did it. (look it up, that is...not an actual Dutch Rudder...sidenote, do we really have to capitalize it?)

  • Jezzer

    Dutch, yes, rudder, no.

  • Snath

    You'd know, Sparkletits.

  • Maguita NYC

    FUCK-YEAH!

  • Was anyone else scandalized by the fact that the review title had "dicks" in it? I was just clutching me pearls over that one!

  • Maguita NYC

    Honey, forget the pearls, I was just trying to hold on to my little panties.

  • Miss Laaw-yuhr

    I'm beginning to feel like I stumbled into some sort of Expendables literotica fan fic.

  • Maguita NYC

    Fifty Shades of Pendulous Old-man Balls.

    FUCK YEAH.

  • ScrimmySCrim

    This film review just got me pregnant. I don't know how I'm going to explain this to my... nevermind. My husband just got pregnant from being in the same room with my computer.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    He'd have been immune if he didn't wax his chest.

  • Maguita NYC

    One more Fuck-Yeah and you will be in the running to be as much annoying as Fifty Shades' "Oh My"!

    Admittedly, you've annoyed me into wanting to watch that movie... And I will most probably choke at every Yippie-ka-yay, Rock'N Roll, and unfortunate Asian dying at the hands of these bicepped asshats.

    FUCK YEAH!

  • athena23

    Fifty Shades of Fuck Yeah? Oh, my.

  • HOLY CROW!

  • I just have to say that I didn't read the review, because GUNS, EXPLOSIONS, EVERY SINGLE ACTION STAR EVER IN ONE FILM, WHO GIVES A SHIT.

    But how did Gale from The Hunger Games (Liam Hemsworth) do up against them all? When I saw his name on the credits, I seriously thought he would be the dragging point of the entire film. You have these older guys (yes, even Statham and Li, at 44 and 49, respectively) and then the young pup Hemsworth suddenly comes in -- he just seemed out of place to me.

  • Hemsworth is the young kid who's counseled by one of the older Expendables to get out of this life because it leaves you with nothing. No sooner does he resolve to go back to his hometown once this mission is over and pick up with his girl, and maybe run his dads farm/auto shop than he gets killed saving the lives of the old farts.
    I'm guessing cos I haven't actually seen the film, but I did read "15 sure signs a supporting character will die" in an earlier post. (if anyone's seen the movie: does he flash a pic of his girl to his comrades at some point?)

  • junierizzle

    Even better: He pulls out a letter he wrote to her.

  • athena23

    They wrote this script based on the "15 sure signs" piece, didn't they? It all makes sense now. The only reason they didn't have Sean Bean in the movie is because they didn't want to go and be all OBVIOUS about it.

  • Snath

    I imagine that's why they let fucking Van Damme kill him.

  • Harbl garbl. Poor Liam Hemsworth. I hope he doesn't go the way of Taylor Lautner, riding The Hunger Games until the end. It's only two more movies for him!

    (Also, edited because I ended up reading the review and this comment's not a spoiler!)

  • Jezzer

    Can you really spoil this movie? You can pretty much predict every "plot" point just from seeing the trailer and cast listing.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    Three more. Hollywood has decided all final books in series are worth *two* movies.

  • Gina

    And prequels are now worth three...

  • Snath

    Yeah, I forgot you mentioned not reading the review. My bad.

  • Group hug.

  • pajiba

    EXACTLY. FUCK YEAH!

  • Jester

    Fuck yeah!

  • hapl0

    Yes, yes but what about Jet Li? Did he get to flex his legs this time or was he pushed into the background again?

  • pajiba

    One scene.

  • hapl0

    UGH...........

  • +1 satire

  • Snath

    Real men don't say vis-à-vis. They say cool shit like "That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!" and "French is gay!"

    Poser.

  • athena23

    The Arc de Triomphe? More like the Arc de Full Retreat!! Amiright? FUCK YEAH!

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