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March 5, 2009 |

By Dustin Rowles | Film | March 5, 2009 |

We are watching you. We listen to everything you say. We collect, collate, and process. We are among you. We understand. And we are growing.

We have discovered your weaknesses and will exploit them. Why else would we repackage Eagle Eye for the ABC Family Network and release it into a startling number of theatres as Echelon Conspiracy. We understand your disdain for certain actors. We have ruined careers to make this happen. We combined Hayden Christensen’s whiny pre-pubescent delivery, Kirk Cameron’s aw-shucks corn-fed khaki clad goodness and Neil Patrick Harris’s Doogie Howser castoffs and used this amalgam to sand down Shane West. No longer will you see his charming glint, his roguish smile, or his extra large penis thanks to Rigidol. Now, he’s playing computer geeks who wear Sears handmedowns.

Remember Ed Burns? We took him out of cold storage, where he’s been gently aging under a constant bombardment of 90’s college radio tunes and Perma-Squint. We released him to play a disgraced FBI agent who runs security in a casino in scenic downtown Prague. Do not question our logic! What mojo dribbled out we then bottled and sent to the production company for “Lost” for Matthew Fox and the rapidly dwindling Josh Holloway. Unfortunately, we rented out Urban Hulk Unit 1: MCD (Michael Clarke Duncan) to Street Fighter, and instead used Urban Hulk Unit 2: VR (Ving Rhames). We even got the greatest president in television history, Martin Sheen, and turned him into Bill O’Reilly’s wet dream.

Our female love interest was cobbled together out of whatever generic mannequin parts were left over from trying to create the cast of “Gossip Girl.” We used our team of acne ridden teen boys to write all the romantic scenes to ensure that they would not remotely resemble anything that has ever seen a vagina. The rest of the movie was scripted from Christian Date Chat Rooms where youth ministers explained what they thought Eagle Eye and Casino Royale were about. Except the finale. That was pirated from YouTube copies of Asian prisoners recreating WarGames.

We are testing the waters. We are breaching your cinemas and televisions. How else do you explain the reemergence of Jimmy Fallon? After our failed Chevy Chase experiment, we activated version 2.0. We will release copies of copies of copies. We will replicate. We will smother you with what you hate. We will swarm theatres with our dreck until your options are Confessions of a Princess Diary or Air Bud 7: Woof Creek. You will buy our cell phone ringtones. You will take our supplements. You will date our tall black friends. You will watch TMZ.

Resistance is futile. RDJ will be ours.

End transmission.

Echelon Conspiracy / Spambot

Film | March 5, 2009 |

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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