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I Hate Everyone

D-War / Phillip Stephens

Film Reviews | September 16, 2007 | Comments (66)

My God, what a rancid puddle of goat-piss this movie was …

My first question is not why D-War/Dragon Wars/whatever-the-fuck was made, but how exactly it found its way to theaters when it probably doesn’t deserve double-billing with the Sci-Fi Channel’s Mansquito. Because that’s exactly what we have here — a plot that only exists in abstraction, strung together by a series of non-sequitur scenes and a horde of Z-list actors who recite dialogue that would give your ears AIDS, and tons and tons of computer imagery of wondrous things like giant cobras and cyborg-lizard-men riding dinosaurs with mounted rocket-launchers.

Seriously.

And I know, I know, it’s tough to pan a movie that just doesn’t fucking care. As an ardent fan of “MST3K” and so-bad-it’s-rad camp, I’m well acquainted with the kitsch joy to be found in bad movies, good mockery, and great alcohol. But those loveably bad movies all seemed to know their place - screened in the early A.M. or banished to the back of the rental store; we were the ones still empowered, still able to grant them the ability to humor us and, even better, not directly pay for. D-War somehow snuck into theaters with almost no one seeing a preview for it, which is easily explained when the movie offers nothing to stick in a trailer that wouldn’t provoke laughter or horror. Ubiquitous internet ads had to suffice, which, though they prominently featured dragons, couldn’t quite do justice to this goddamned, stinking pile of cockadookie.

The “story”: Ethan Kendrick, played by douchebag Jason Behr (who, incidentally, is rapidly ascending my personal shitlist after this delightful outing and Skinwalkers) is a soft-boiled reporter who stumbles onto a … well, a dragon attack, and then stops to wonder if it has something to do with the 11-lb flamboyant He-Man pendant he wears around his neck all the time. Ethan proffers a quick flashback: When he was just a little douche, he and his father visited an antique shop. When giant rays of light come shining down on lil’ E, the shop owner, Jack (Robert Forster), fakes a gas-attack to get his father to leave, then tells Ethan he’s the reincarnation of some magic dragon warrior (an obvious pedophiliac come-on, if you ask me). Jack then has his own flashback (a double-flashback? Allah save us!), weaving some sort of yarn about Korean superheroes fighting dragon-men so convoluted it would baffle Tolkien. The gist is that Ethan is the reincarnation of one of these figures, so Jack gives him said gay pendant and tells him to find his reincarnated girlfriend and defeat the bad guys. Why exactly a bunch of Korean legends would want to be reincarnated as the most boring honkies on the planet is beyond me, but anyway…

Back to the present: Lizard-ninjas begin destroying Los Angeles, so Ethan starts looking for the super-heroine who’ll supposedly save the world. After entering “nasty dragon-tattoo” into a search engine, he finds Sarah (Amanda Brooks), a lobotomized Barbie. The two meet, make out, and then run around as the monsters do battle with the military. After a while, the two end up in a climactic showdown with the baddies wherein Ethan’s gay pendant and Sarah’s magic hadouken help the good dragon defeat the evil giant cobra. I’m really not making this stuff up. I’m assuming that good prevailed and all that, but I don’t know: Near what I assumed to be the last ten minutes of the movie I walked out, drove to the nearest store and bought a fifth of Ancient Age (I’m on a budget, OK?) which is presently helping me through this retread. It was either that or attempt seppuku with my car-keys.

Apparently, D-Wars is of South Korean origin, directed by Shim Hyung-rae, and the biggest film to ever come from that fine nation. That many of the elements in D-Wars might be lost in translation could account for the film’s remarkable clumsiness, but not quite to this degree. Now, an open letter to South Korea: As a vagabond student, I’ve known a large number of your citizens and, to a person, they’ve been kind, intelligent, well-balanced people and after seeing some of the exceptional films of Kim Ji-Woon, Bong Joon-ho, and of course, Park Chan-wook, I’ve come to expect great things from your cinema. But after watching ¬D-War, I’m afraid I not only have to rescind these compliments, but to openly call for the genocide of all Koreans and their culture. In short, South Korea: You do a grave disservice to yourself by letting this Shim Hyung-rae make movies about you.

So, that’s all there is to say about D-War. It sucks, and not in the “totally rad” way you’d expect coming from a movie with lizard warriors and magic dragons. Due to some Satanic conjuring, the worst fantasy films ever made have been leaping giddily into theaters with the public’s newfound discovery of Tolkien and Lewis; it’s really unfortunate that this hopeful expansion of our imaginations has to come at the cost of inane and inept filmmaking. And guess what I saw in the previews for this film - A Dungeon Siege movie directed by Uwe Boll, starring Burt Reynolds. I’m going to kill myself with an axe …

Phillip Stephens is the lead critic for Pajiba. He lives in Fayetteville, AR.









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Comments

this review is offensive to women.

Posted by: cindy crawford at September 14, 2007 10:27 PM

I don't know about the sneaky part. I have been seeing trailers for this movie for what feels like months (but is probably only a couple of weeks).

I feel kind of bad ripping on this movie (as I was doing this morning) because one of my roommates is from South Korea and she seems pretty proud about the biggest movie to ever come from her country.

I will have to see this, but only after it hits dvd and I can spend a couple hours getting shitfaced/stoned out of my mind before I watch it.

Posted by: the_Wakeful at September 14, 2007 10:27 PM

When I first saw a trailer for this movie, I kept waiting for the words "Uwe Boll" to pop up.

I find it a strange coincidence that Uwe Boll's newest movi- I mean, piece of shit, was advertised before this.

Posted by: Shaun at September 14, 2007 10:33 PM

"I hate everything" is exactly what I say when I experience something like that. Awesome title, great review, sorry you had to sit through this filth.

Posted by: Genny at September 14, 2007 10:33 PM

When he was just a little douche,

If only more tales of yore began that way. In fact, if my hypothetical child ever comes of age, I am going to use that very line in front of any embarrassing stories designed to ward off potential mates.

It really is sad to see this resurgence in literary fantasy be corrupted by utter incompetence and commercialism. Just when it was okay for kids to actually think regaling themselves of the tales of wizards and dragons was an acceptable pastime, craphats had to go mess it all up. And I honestly had hope for it, I really did. Oh well, might as well watch The Host again.

But I have a question: how the hell do these Asian films have pretty much the same level of CGI and special effects as a Hollywood movie with 10 times the budget? It can't all be sweatshops, right?

And I knew about the Dungeon Siege movie, but I did not know Burt Reynolds was in it. Might want to add the Germans and their bullshit tax system to your list of genocides justified by horrible filmmakers.

Posted by: Vermillion at September 14, 2007 10:34 PM

"....weaving some sort of yarn about Korean superheroes fighting dragon-men so convoluted it would baffle Tolkien."

That is a teriffic turn of phrase. Congrats, well-played and thanks for the smile.

Posted by: Gordon at September 14, 2007 10:39 PM

Man, they got Robert Forster in this? But...but...he's kind of cool.

Posted by: Brett Thomasson at September 14, 2007 11:13 PM

I thought it would be ... enjoyable.

I mean, DRAGONS. Fighting the MILITARY. And potentially each other. In a major city!

The potential is there for a GREAT time with a HORRIBLE but HILARIOUS movie. The sort of mindless, draconian chaos that SHOULD exist.

But there's only one dragon, mostly, and not much chaos, and too many people. People with no business acting, let alone opposite each other. I swear, there's more chemistry in a third-grade science class.

I feel so ... dirty and used. D:

Posted by: fuggle at September 14, 2007 11:28 PM

HAHAHA! Thank you for saving me the $. I thought about checking this out with the intent of taking my 5 year old to see it if it wasn't too intense. Double-feature with Mansquito? 'Nuff said. I'll wait to see the clip on The Soup.
But I must protest: "A Dungeon Siege movie directed by Uwe Boll, starring Burt Reynolds" sounds FUCKING AWESOME.

Posted by: mla at September 14, 2007 11:43 PM

Since when is Tolkein convoluted...oh yeah...this site hate Peter Jackson and hence by extension Tolkein. How come you couldn't work in a flame against Life Aquatic?

Posted by: seth at September 15, 2007 2:34 AM

This didn't even look like it had the kitsch factor going for it, I'm sad that you had to pay for it.

Posted by: Kevin Longrie at September 15, 2007 3:19 AM

Y'know, Reign of Fire had a similar plot, and it turned out to be an actually decent movie. I actually had hopes that this might be a pleasant surprise, up until the point where you mention a gay pendant and a giant hadouken being used to kill the evil monster.

Whenever I hear about someone in a live-action movie using a hadouken-ish thing, it raises an automatic red flag in my mind.

Posted by: MrSparkle at September 15, 2007 3:22 AM

I so wanted to like this movie. I mean Dragons vs. Attack Helicopters and Main Battle Tanks? But, dear God...the lack of a script, lack of direction, lack of acting talent (with the sole exception of Forster), and the world's worst pacing made this film painful to watch. That being said, the army versus draconic hordes is easily the best part.
The Boll upcoming classic also stars Jason Statham as the hero, and Ray Liotta as the villain along with John Rys-Davies, Claire Forlani, Leelee Sobieski, Ron Perlman, and...Matthew Lilliard!
I am so there to see this trainwreck.

Posted by: Adam C at September 15, 2007 4:41 AM

Ok...I saw the preview for the first time what, two days ago, and I thought, first off...crap.
And then I said, Wait! Dragons!
But then, no, it's crap. Too bad. Would'a liked Dragons.
I just fear, twenty-five years from now, some douche site catering to the 'cynic movie goer' may dub this "the great B-movie of the Aughts".
Joking.
But as for the review. Cool as beans, but the last two paragraphs were a bit...odd.

Posted by: Joanna at September 15, 2007 5:21 AM

Three words: Reign of Fire

If you haven't seen it, go rent it, NOW!

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 15, 2007 8:19 AM

"I'm afraid I not only have to rescind these compliments, but to openly call for the genocide of all Koreans and their culture." -- Consider Hollywoods releases this year alone, i find that statement a bit harsh. Then, the US and it's "culture" (if you want to call it like that) deserves not only complete annihilation, but a complete wipe out from the history books of man.
Seriously, Godzilla, Independence Day? Any Michael Bay film? Turning every goddamn superhero comic into a movie (even the ones know one would ever expect to), etc. etc.

Posted by: Arthur Dent at September 15, 2007 8:25 AM

Best line? How about when Ethan says "I have a professor friend who might be able to help"

I feel sorry for the Koreans though, because it seems they're required to like the movie, it's almost like D-War's success and international distribution is some sorta Olympic team they have to root for because of national pride. That'd be like all Americans throwing parades for Norbit back when it had the #1 spot.

Posted by: es4 at September 15, 2007 8:46 AM

Arthur Dent's statement, above, makes a point similar to the one which I wish to illustrate for you, except that he responds with equal, if opposite, negative thought towards the United States. In doing so, he's made his point but immediately rendered it moot by joining this apparent hate parade that you've awoken with this article.

I understand poetic license and I equally comprehend embellishment for the sake of establishing one's own opinion, but with all of the other priceless anecdotes and intensely humorous inclusions, I do not think calling for the genocide of an entire people was warranted. In Kindergarten, we learned to think before we speak (or, in this case, type); when the bell dings for the next round, I'd like to see you take this advice before you write something so gravely offensive.

A friend of mine from South Korea regularly complains about the careless prejudice of Americans against not only Koreans, but East Asians. My standard response to this is to, on the whole of the American people, to claim general ignorance, due to the lack of knowledge about the source, and no direct, evident need to learn. In short, I attempt to combat what he champions as a truth. And, what you have done here is proved him right. I bet you didn't give a second thought to writing those words; and, if so, that is the most shameful part of it.

Take responsibility for your words, for whether you meant them with purpose or in jest, they are your own.

Posted by: Samuel B. Prime at September 15, 2007 8:47 AM

I would like to throw my hat in the ring and call for the genocide of all people who watch Two and Half Men.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 15, 2007 9:00 AM

Sadly, I must agree with douchebag comments directed at Jason Behr. I always had a soft spot for him and to the resulting snerks of laughter that I can hear now, shut up, he was cute and I was 14 and a big fan of "Roswell". He recently destroyed a movie that was made in New Zealand with his keen following of Brad Pitt's "staring-into-middle-distance-intently" school of acting. He didn't even do it intently. He just sort of... stared.... Check out "The Tattoist" if you want to see a decent B grade horror movie with enough ok NZ actors to offset the Behr factor

Posted by: Carly at September 15, 2007 9:06 AM

"...this goddamned, stinking pile of cockadookie."

You shoulda ended your review right there, Philip: you summed it all up with that brilliant piece of literature, and I'm not even being sarcastic here.

However, I still can't manage to laugh at anything that tries to make AIDS humorous, even AIDS of the ears, which is kind of hard to imagine if you think too hard about it. Oh, and I guess that annihilation of the entire Korean population thing could ruffle someone's feathers, too.

But a really baaad movie, as you demonstrated, deserves a truly "bitchy" review, and it's hard enough to write anything anymore that doesn't offend SOME segment of the population, so maybe reviews like this should be exempted from such nitpicking - for the most part, it was a damn funny read.

Posted by: TMax at September 15, 2007 9:46 AM

I am so offended by this review that my lips have disappeared.

I don't see how any progressive-thinking person can take such a cavalier, dismissive attitude towards dragons attacking cities. Dragon attacks would cause massive property damage, emotional trauma and loss of life.

Your attitude is shameful and immature and insensitive and bad and wrong.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go have surgery to remove a poppy seed from my sphincter.

Posted by: Jerce at September 15, 2007 10:43 AM

AIDS of the ears is funny, because it's both illogical and a ludicrous sentiment to receive AIDS from bad dialogue, whereas an "open call" for the systematic elimination of an entire people based on a bad movie, while perhaps meant in jest, is devoid of any moral sense.

I ask you, what if someone answers this "open call?" What will you say then?

Posted by: Samuel B. Prime at September 15, 2007 10:49 AM

I actually believe that Mr. Prime's post was more offensive than an off-color use of hyperbole. He says that when his friend expresses his feelings on how Americans treat Koreans and other East Asians, the best he can come up with is "they are just ignorant and don't care". Prime makes such an asinine blanket statement and honestly thinks it counts as an "attempt to combat what he champions as a truth". Guess what? If your friend honestly thinks that all Americans are stupid, careless, and racist based on his encounters with assholes, then he is prejudiced. And you are simply enabling him with your remarks, instead of expressing the difference between a nation made up of diverse groups and cultures and some yokel who probably can't find his ass with both hands.

And what is really arrogant is that he takes the sentence completely out of context. In no way does Phillip either show ignorance of Korean films or culture or refuses to take responsibility for his words. He expresses that he has seen the works of several filmmakers from South Korea and enjoyed them, but that doesn't excuse what he sees as cinematic dross. Just because the film is from Korea doesn't mean it gets off easy.

AIDS of the ears is funny, because it's both illogical and a ludicrous sentiment to receive AIDS from bad dialogue, whereas an "open call" for the systematic elimination of an entire people based on a bad movie, while perhaps meant in jest, is devoid of any moral sense.

I ask you, what if someone answers this "open call?" What will you say then?

I am so glad I waited before hitting the Post button. You mean to tell me that ear AIDS is outlandish, but saying "this movie is so bad I want to eradicate an entire people only because of it" ISN'T? No one in their right mind would take that seriously. And anyone who would is obviously not in their right mind, wouldn't you agree? And if that is the case, then they had to have issues long before reading a random joke from a movie reviewer.

As for Mr. Dent's remark, it was kinda funny, if only because he seems to think we HAVEN'T called for the destruction of the American movie industry or the country as a whole as a joke. What is even funnier is that he uses Norbit as an example, when anyone with history here would know that was one of our prime targets. Basically, it sounds like a snide remark, but the purpose is defeated because said sentiments have already been expressed ten times over.

I assume this is both first times for both of you, and if so, stick around, or look at the archives, because if this bent you out of shape, you have no idea what this site has been through.

Posted by: Vermillion at September 15, 2007 10:56 AM

Ancient Age??
*cringes*
You coulda got a half-pint (maybe even a whole pint) of Maker's for the same price and been MUCH more sated...
I just can't condone the consumption of cheap bourbon, no matter how shitty said previous experience was. It's just sick and wrong.

Posted by: Mistress Violet at September 15, 2007 10:59 AM

Let it also be known that I am putting out an open call to eradicate all drinkers of cheap bourbon.

Posted by: Mistress Violet at September 15, 2007 11:05 AM

Ancient Age sucks my balls and gives me headaches after 1 glass.

If you're on a budget, go Evan. It's no Woodford Reserve, but at least it isn't dog piss either.

Posted by: idiot dentist at September 15, 2007 11:07 AM

Vermillion,

I know that the credits for The Host listed a San Francisco FX house. Maybe the FX get done over here in the States.

Posted by: alone in the dark at September 15, 2007 11:11 AM

Oh oh, I also want to call for the wholesale slaughter of all go to see that latest cinematic atrocity perpetrated by Dane Cook and Jessica Alba. If you enable this douche you deserve to die.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 15, 2007 11:26 AM

Mistress Violet,

I believe calling for the eradication of drinkers of cheap bourbon is uncalled for. Perhaps they drink the swill out of ignorance, or as in this case, budgetary concerns. However, calling for the eradication of the makers of cheap bourbon - that I could endorse, for they must know the quality of the liquor they foist upon the public.

Posted by: lunabelle at September 15, 2007 1:06 PM

In response to Vermillion's comment, I have no intention of stirring up quarrels on the internet, regardless of how my opinion may differ from that of another's. My conversations with my Korean friend go deeper than a comment post can construe, and you (Vermillion) were doing no wrong to assume from what I had written that my only defense was that which I stated. Fact is, I have attempted to portray all of what Vermillion mentioned as a possible defense. Differences exist between cultures, yes, but they aren't always easy to communicate -- this is the case I have experienced with my Korean friend, that despite our blatant differences and diversity, some citizens (not all) are ignorant and prejudiced. This, as you mentioned, does not excuse the sweeping generalization he was making with his statement. I am sorry if my words offended you. I hope that paves over some of what I said. Again, sorry.

Nonetheless, while I too found the general content of this post humorous, the comment on genocide was something I saw as irrelevant, out of character and (potentially) a candidate for being misconstrued. I doubt anyone of foreign origin will read this and be offended, but knowing how easily things can be misconstrued In writing to someone to which English is a second language gave me cause for worry, on account of my experience.

All I was trying to express is that, for all practical purposes, genocide isn't funny. I cannot laugh at that, whoever or whatever is targeted by the phrase. It caught me off guard, though I've only been frequenting the site for about two months.

Again, I'm sorry if my words offended anyone. I don't want to argue over the internet. That's so lame.

Posted by: Samuel B. Prime at September 15, 2007 1:21 PM

aloneinthedark: I see. But then, it still doesn't explain how they seem to get the same quality for less money. Does this mean that they are shafting American movie makers by making them pay out of the nose for the same level of special effects? If so, kudos, I guess, for sticking it to the bastards.

Of course it just dawned on me that a possible key component is that relatively few foreign films use CGI as a crutch when everything else is lacking, like plot, characters, and common sense.

Mr. Prime: Aw, you had to go all civil and stuff. Dagnabit.

I must apologize as well. Now that you clarified some, I can see where someone with English as a second language may not pick up on the intended humor of the statement. I mean, there have been countless posters with English as a first language who can't seem to get a joke. Thanks for the response, and I assure you, I am not a jerk usually.

Posted by: Vermillion at September 15, 2007 1:42 PM

Apparently not just Robert Forster, but Elizabeth Pena consented to sharecrop this turdfarm as well. Both of them are wonderful character actors -- their respective turns in Jackie Brown and Lone Star come to mind as two favorites -- who have made some bad choices in the past. But now this. Bwuh.

Jerce: Heeeeeeee.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at September 15, 2007 1:55 PM

lunabelle,

Yes I see the error of my ways now, and I agree... perhaps the distilleries are to blame!
Especially whichever one makes that vile Kentucky Deluxe... May you burn in hell for that night I blew chunks in a sports bar bathroom stall...and in my purse...and in my friend's trashcan...

Okay, so perhaps I might ought to take the responsibility for that one myself - but in my defense there were 50-cent wells and I was a college student with like $5 to my name. (And don't anyone dare suggest I should've remained sober, as this was not an option!) But I've learned my lesson...albeit the hard way. Nevertheless, I should've considered my sordid past before condemning the cheap bourbon drinkers. I feel so filthy now...

Posted by: Mistress Violet at September 15, 2007 2:02 PM

best review title ever

Posted by: ken at September 15, 2007 6:54 PM

My first question is not why D-War/Dragon Wars/whatever-the-fuck was made, but how exactly it found its way to theaters when it probably doesn't deserve double-billing with the Sci-Fi Channel's Mansquito.

AHAHAHAHAH!! Fucking Mansquito.

Posted by: Eva at September 15, 2007 9:38 PM

I wonder how many Pajiba readers have the resources to launch what I'm now calling the SKGC (South Korean Genocide Campaign). I've got $3.75 in change--anyone with me? I was saving it for laundry day, but this is clearly more important.

Also, Phillip is dreamy.

Posted by: SKGCfounder at September 16, 2007 1:47 AM

D-war is a product self-consciously created to live down to the lowest common denominator tastes of the international market. It was financed completely with private money instead of government sponsorship (read: subsidies that shore up just about any and all 'national cinema) that brought us the estimable talents of Park et al. This should explain (in part) the asinine plot, US setting and English language is part its strategy to compete on a "level playing field". I'm pretty sure our esteemed reviewer is right when he says this movie is a steaming pile of horse shit, although I haven't seen it myself.

The standards we expect from Korean cinema based on what we get to see of it is and the deviation from such high standards Stephens laments in this review reflects a highly unrealistic position that reveals some of the discomfort I think people are feeling in this review. Korean cinema is very capable of turning out cheeseball nonsense, just like American cinema. I would go further to say that every national cinema has it's Norbit. In spite of the seemingly cursory reference to Korea as a plot device, the reviewer insists upon an essential Korean-ness and representative-ness of Korean culture. It's not. D-war is an unintentional statement on globalized trade and the politics of protectionism - but that's a whole 'nother post.

The genocidal invective that it inspires in Stephens directed at Koreans writ large is symptomatic of misdirected intolerance that often feels like racism, but isn't quite the same. Others point out above that the part doesn't have to stand in for the whole in American cinema but seems to in the case of D-war. Why a separate set of expectations of Koreans?

Full Disclosure: I'm South Korean, English is my first language.

See? I told you guys they were cool.
~Phillip

Posted by: oblivia at September 16, 2007 11:49 AM

The way people focus their attention on off-hand, throwaway remarks both fascinates and wearies me. I have a suggestion for the Bigotry Patrol:

Do a search of everything written on this site, and tally up the number of times a reviewer or a commenter has called for the wholesale destruction of Hollywood and/or Southern California, including, either explicitly or by implication, the death of all its inhabitants. (Wasn't there an entire column on this subject recently?)

Okay. Now tally up the number of remarks calling for a holocaust in any other part of the world. I believe the latter has occurred exactly once--but maybe y'all better check my work.

Posted by: Jerce at September 16, 2007 12:07 PM

Jerce, you are not that far off. I do believe there was a Diversion where everyone was asked how they would change Hollywood, and nearly every single one (including me) advocated the permanent removal of some group for the Earth.

Oblivia: It seems that the problem here lies in that YOU ARE TAKING THIS ONE LINE TOO SERIOUSLY. It is humor. It is hyperbole and exaggeration to elicit laughs. He does not actually hate Koreans based on one bad movie. He is not holding them to some kind of unattainable standard. If you remove any reference to this movie's foreign origins, this review would still sound like many other reviews here. Yes, he compares it to other SK movies that he enjoyed, but he also compared it to Mansquito. As a reviewer, he is going to compare movies of a similar vein. Plus, considering this film was such a big hit back in SK (plus our quite public love of monster movies), it is wrong to actually think it might be good, and to be disappointed it wasn't?

Could it be that some are just being too sensitive about it, especially since this movie was such a success in its home country? Or maybe the problem isn't that he is intolerant, but you are. Apparently it is just fine and dandy to talk about blowing Hollywood to bits, but if someone makes the same joke but changes the location, then it suddenly becomes "genocidal invective". Doesn't that seem a bit much?

Of course, you could always ask for a redo of the review.

Posted by: Vermillion at September 16, 2007 1:36 PM

I think what Vermillion is trying to say is that he is NOT completely adverse to the idea of rounding up, transporting and eventual execution of all overly sensitive blog posters.

I'm always looking out for you buddy *hi-five*

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 16, 2007 2:33 PM

Carly - you are not alone *ducks* but even at 14 I think I realised that the entire cast of that show couldn't act their way out of a paper bag.

I also think that pajibans are the only folk on earth who could take a particularly scathing review and turn it into a debate about genocide. It's freaking brilliant

Posted by: rach at September 16, 2007 9:21 PM

cindy crawford, this review is offensive to women? there's no mention of women AT ALL?! Is the absence of women mean that it is offensive to women? Is that the logic you're attempting to employ? Because it makes no sense.

Posted by: ph at September 16, 2007 9:35 PM

I'm glad to report that this review is the first I have heard of this particular movie's existence. Although if I had seen the trailer I probably would have been suckered in by the dragons. Man, I love me some dragons.

I'm actually fairly tempted to see it after the review as my "so bad it's good" cycle seems to be slightly skewed compared to other people's giving me a much higher tolerance for shitastic offerings such as this one.

Also: flashback within a flashback? Fucking awesome.

BSlim: I'm willing to kick in a donation for your causes - but only if we can include anyone who willingly watched I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry, deal?

Posted by: Alex the Odd at September 17, 2007 5:25 AM

Seriously? Burt Reynolds? Dungeon Siege? I wonder which demonic hell-spawn Boll sold his soul to in order to be able to make movies. And who's the ass-hat that finances these things? Kim Jong Il? Osama bin Laden? The cryogenically frozen head of Adolf Hitler? Harvey Weinstein? It's gotta be somebody diabolical, with a true hate for the rest of the human race.

Posted by: ASterisk at September 17, 2007 8:24 AM

Uh, "ph" - I think it is pretty obvious how this review is offensive to women...

Posted by: Kate at September 17, 2007 9:02 AM

After having been in the greater Los Angeles area this weekend, I call for the eradication of that whole part of the country, city by city. Therefore, I am in full support of this movie because of the positive message it sends in favor of the destruction of this scourge of a metropolis.

Posted by: katy at September 17, 2007 1:09 PM

Ha ha! Now I just read the rest of the comments. My views on the destruction of Los Angeles and environs was purely a result of my own observations, and I was in no way influenced by the views of the reviewers or commentators on this site.

Sure seems to be a generally agreed upon topic though!

Posted by: katy at September 17, 2007 1:17 PM

ph, your refusal to see how very offensive to women this review was is totally offensive. Would you tell your wife, or daughter, or mother that "it makes no sense?" Sickening.

Posted by: jon29 at September 17, 2007 2:16 PM

I accidentally went to see this movie with my sister having no private knowledge of the content. Dragon Wars? Sounds pretty sweet, huh? Needless to say, our time in the theater culminated in a early termination of viewing, a mindless rage and a pact never to speak of it again. I will say this though: there are not even any dragon wars, from what I saw of it. From Philip's review it sounds like there may have been one at the end, but lets keep in mind that one of them is actually just a giant fucking snake. NOT COOL.

Oh, and when has Pajiba started running Wal-mart ads? I was completely floored when I scrolled down and saw that. My respect for you guys just went down a bit. Yeah, I know you have to pay the bills, but WAL-MART? C'mon!

Posted by: Mya at September 17, 2007 2:20 PM

I actually didn't find the call to genocide offensive because I thought it was pretty clearly Swiftian.

But what's up with the repeated use of the word gay to mean.. I don't know, lame? I get that this is scatching reviews for bitchy people and that offensive things can be funny (see genocide, ear AIDS, etc.), but I expect more from you guys than the lazy use of that kind of slur. If it was done in a way that was deliberately over the top in its offensiveness, maybe, but it just seems so casual here. Guess this is a bitchy review for homophobic fratboys, eh?

Posted by: zenhound at September 17, 2007 6:20 PM

fratboys?!?

Way to round out your anti-bigotry screed with a bigoted slur, you heterophobic...

...Nah, fuck it.

Posted by: Jerce at September 17, 2007 9:41 PM

Ha. Well, fratboys and their sisters are the kind of people I hear use "gay" as a general expression of contempt all the time. Maybe other people use it too. In fact, now that I think about it, I think in our last company meeting the boss said that our numbers for last quarter were looking a little gay.

Posted by: zenhound at September 17, 2007 11:16 PM

"... (I have to) openly call for the genocide for all Koreans ..." ???!!! The reviewer must be confined to a madhouse immediately. That kinds of shits are what we good Americans are doing around the world - Genocide? Maybe it's the worms like you that should be exterminated by the Dragons from the face of the earth for the peace of the world. Wake up, will you?

Posted by: Jay at September 19, 2007 1:26 AM

I'm a Korean, and i have to tell you that the release of this movie was dreaded ever since the first trailer appeared about a year ago. All of my friends (and I agreed with them) said that D-war would be the disgrace of our country, and even confirm the beliefs of many foreigners that Korea can't do anything. Please don't think that just because one stupid Korean decided to make such a terrible movie it means that all of us our proud of it. Of course, there are a lot of idiots who seem to think that they're being patriotic when they search every possible movie site they can find and write down that D-war is a GREAT movie, but come on, every nation has those kind. Even before this movie was released in Korea, it was attacked by every single movie critic in the country, saying that the movie's a disgrace to the Korean film industry. But the director had to go on and show himself in every TV show he could and cry his eyes out, saying that he had worked so hard for the movie, five years and all, and now everyone was attacking him. It was pathetic. The only reason the movie got so popular in Korea is because everyone was so curious why the movie was such a controversy, or because they wanted to see how bad a movie it could be. To be honest, I haven't even watched the movie yet. But even by watching only the trailer, I really hoped it would NEVER get to the U.S. The lame actors, the totally broken storyline..and yet i heard that it was released in over 2500 screens in America. I knew then that there would be thousands of people who thought exactly the same thing as you; that Korea deserves to be erased from the map if it can only produce movies like D-war.
Like I said, D-war IS a terrible movie. But if you say that because we let sim hyungrae make this movie the whole of Korea should be gone, I'll have to disagree with you. Sim-hyungrae didn't get any consent from Koreans to export his movie. He did everything on his own, when all those around him said to stop. Sim-hyungrae shouldn't serve to be an image of Korea, or even the AVERAGE Korean. PLEASE, just think that it's one EXTREMELY bad movie and one director who IS OUT OF HIS MIND.

Posted by: Teddy at September 19, 2007 7:00 AM

This review is amazing.

Posted by: Kash at September 19, 2007 8:17 AM

Shouts out to Mistress Violet and idiot dentist, more the latter for pointing out the best budget bourbon (oxymoron? perhaps) there is.

Also, I'm laughing at the sheer offensiveness of this review and all the people that got bent out of shape about it. You guys are great. I love the guy who called it a review for "homophobic fratboys." He's just so cute and reactionary, him and his obsolete epithets.

Posted by: Just Joe at September 23, 2007 4:55 PM

Jack then has his own flashback (a double-flashback? Allah save us!), weaving some sort of yarn about Korean superheroes fighting dragon-men so convoluted it would baffle Tolkien.

I believe the phrase you were looking for is from the fabulous MST3K episode, "Cave Dwellers":

"Geez, Tolkien couldn't follow this plot."

It was used to describe a ludicrously long, overly complicated flashback sequence there, as well.

Posted by: Edith at September 23, 2007 11:40 PM

Mansquito was fucking fantastic. I think that is what you meant-- then again, English is not even
my second language.

Posted by: Noodles at September 26, 2007 3:42 PM

its hard to become a sacrificer oly to save the earth

Posted by: marce at January 19, 2008 12:10 AM

Yes, we all knew that the movie was going to be a very expensive piece of junk from the beginning (if we can ever call it a "movie"), nevertheless, what could we do? It is a free country after all- which makes us different from North Korea. :) By the way, don't worry, I don't find the "genocide" part offensive. I can feel your pain and frustration. :) - Another South Korean

Posted by: JH at February 2, 2008 4:15 PM

wow way to be an asshole! your just jealous because you are not and never will be famous. well that's too damn bad just accept that your nothing and never will be and leave those who are alone. Jason Behr is an amazing gorgeous and talented actor. if you took the time out of your "busy" schedule to sit and watch him in Roswell or Skinwalkers or the Grudge or the Tattoist you'd see his abilities. if you don't like how someone performed in a film just simply say that and leave the slander for teenagers

Posted by: NM at February 6, 2008 8:07 PM

wow way to be an asshole! your just jealous because you are not and never will be famous. well that's too damn bad just accept that your nothing and never will be and leave those who are alone. Jason Behr is an amazing gorgeous and talented actor. if you took the time out of your "busy" schedule to sit and watch him in Roswell or Skinwalkers or the Grudge or the Tattoist you'd see his abilities. if you don't like how someone performed in a film just simply say that and leave the slander for teenagers

Posted by: NM at February 6, 2008 8:07 PM

It's easy for some of you to sit in front of your computer and compain about how bad the movie is!!!! It's not like some of you guys can make a better movie than D-War. I don't even see some of you guys doing anything. It's easy to talk but where's the action?!? Don't complain or say anything bad about anything if you're not going to do anything better with it. If you guys have something bad to say about the movie, then keep it to yourself. It's not like American directors made all good movies. There's always going to be bad movies and good movies. D-War is just a step from the Korean film industry to enter into the American market which is a progress. LESS TALK AND MORE ACTION!!!

Posted by: 1004 at February 14, 2008 3:18 PM

i like wha u saying there buddy!! i mean keep it to urself if its bad comments.like wha do u think thai and chinese and others think when american copy there film like Shutter and The Eye!! dont just think about urself!!

Posted by: 1005 at March 2, 2008 5:58 PM

what the fuc* u taling about!

Posted by: lol at March 14, 2008 4:27 AM