Dr. Manhattan's Penis / by Dustin Rowles
Film Reviews | March 9, 2009 | Comments ()
After months and months of hype, eleventy billion dollars in promotion, enough viral marketing to kill anyone with a weakened immune system, and finally the biggest wide release ever for an R-rated film, the one facet of the entire Watchmen phenomena that attracted more attention than any other over the weekend was a goddamn flaccid blue penis. Yeah. A penis. An appendage that 49.5 percent of the world’s population own. Because the deep, puritanical streak running through this nation will never completely die. A director can shove in enough boobies to in a picture to float a hot-air balloon, but one average-sized dong, and all this country’s moral righteousness rears its uncircumcised head. But this is different, they say! Because Watchmen is a comic-book movie, and comic books appeal to children, therefore, Zack Snyder is indirectly slapping America’s youth with a blue, semi-engorged member, just like Joe Camel’s boner schnozzle.
So, for those of you who didn’t go see the movie, and are basing your decision on whether to go on Billy Crudup’s penis, here’s my review: Mostly flaccid, kind of droopy, and hangs reasonably low, although for a stanky that isn’t erect, I have to give Dr. Manhattan points for turgidity. Clearly, he’s not suffering from shrinkage issues. My biggest complaint is its hue: Glow-in-the-dark blue doesn’t exactly scream, “Let me in! Let me in! Rock my world, Blue Man Goob.” It says: “Fuck me, and you’ll be pissing Smurf chunks for a week and shitting urinal cakes.” Although, the color does obscure the veins, which is a nice chameleon-like advantage. And, like any decent movie, Crudup’s penis leaves a few unanswered questions that will be debated among geeks for decades: What color is his urine? His semen? Can he procreate? What would a lil Manhattan look like?
But the biggest unanswered question? Where is his extraordinary nutsack?