Hi! My name is Timmy, and I’m Dustin’s fictional 12-year-old nephew, and today I’m going to be writing this movie review instead of Dusty! Why, you ask? I dunno really; I can’t really explain it or nothing. Dusty just says he can’t bring himself to do it, ‘cause after watching Doom, he says he is in “anaphylactic shock,” which he says was “triggered by two hours of severe, mind-blowing catatonia.” I don’t really know what that means, but I can tell you that my Uncle Dusty was rolling around on the floor and moaning until a few minutes ago, and then he got up to go to the bathroom, and all I can hear is a lot of dry heaving, like that time I drank too much Kool Aid and threw it up all down the side of my house! That was awesome! Oh wait … I can kind of make out what he’s saying now, in between his retches. I think it’s … oh, wait, I know! I know! He keeps grunting, “Fuck the Rock! Fuck The Rock!” and I think he’s banging his head on the toilet now. Oh man! Dusty is messed up!
Anyway, I’ve never really wrote a movie review or nothing, so I don’t really know what words you’re supposed to use for something like this, ‘cause the only thing I ever hear movie reviewers say is stupid stuff like, “meet-cute,” or “too cute by half,” and there is nothing cute about Doom. For real! Actually, if I’m being honest with you, all I can say about Doom is that it really sucked donkey nuts! I hated this movie more than I hate my little sister (who is a brat!), except if my sister was on fire, I’d probably at least pee on her to put it out. I can’t say the same about Doom, ‘cause if I saw somebody trying to burn this movie, I’d probably try to find a can of lighter fluid and help out, ‘cause that would be awesome, like the time I burnt a cricket with a magnifying glass, which was a lot more fun that watching this movie.
So, the first thing I really want to say about this movie is that the other people watching it were really weird; it was all, like, 16-year-old boys with beer guts and trucker hats, and a lot of them had on trench coats, and they smelled really rank, like spoilt milk and body odor. My Uncle Dusty said to me that it’s because all they do is sit in front of their computer and play computer games all day, so they don’t really have time to take a shower. Uncle Dusty also said that what they really need is to put down their “goddamn joysticks,” and go out and “get a girlfriend.” I dunno about that, but I do think that a little sunlight might do them some good!
As for the movie, the story went something like this: It’s set in 2046, I think, and it involves some porthole in outer space from Mars to this weird lost civilization, where an extra chromosome turned the folks there into mutant super killers, or something like that. I dunno, exactly, but I think it’s explained in the video game a lot better, and it only takes about 90 seconds to skip all the explanatory screens and just get to the killing on my computer; in the movie, though, they spend like 17 years explaining what’s going on, and then they just walk around a lot of rooms for, seriously, 45 minutes before anyone even gets killed. It’s so boring! I don’t know how else to explain it, but it’s kind of like getting stuck with your Mom in a really bad traffic jam, behind a school bus, in 100 degree weather with the windows rolled up and no air conditioner, and the only radio station you can get plays country/western/techno versions of Ashlee Simpson songs, and you really have to go to the bathroom. Number 1 and Number 2 at the same time! That’s what sitting through Doom is like, only instead of listening to my Mom scream “Motherfuckers!” at the stupid school bus driver ahead of us, all you get is The Rock clenching his jaw real hard and saying such witty things as, “Goddamn! Watch your footing,” or even better, “Shoulder your fucking weapon, soldier.”
Anyway, there’s not much else to the plot; just a lot of walking around in rooms, while all the cast members yell out important-sounding acronyms, which I guess is meant to impress us, but I’m only 12, and when a bunch of people with huge guns keep screaming out RRST or BFG, even I can smell the bullshit, and it smells a lot like the people my Uncle Dusty and I had to sit next to today. I guess the only fun part of the whole dang movie is trying to figure out who is going to die first, but even that’s not much of a challenge, given the cast members. Here, I’ll list them, and you put them in the order they die: a. Religious Fanatic, b. Sexual Degenerate, c. Stoned Tech Guy, d. Asian person, e. Hot Lady Doctor, f. Token Black Guy, g. Second Token Black Guy, h. Guy with only a Torso, i. Snarky Bearded Guy, and j. The Rock.
Well, I’ll tell you right now, and you’ll be sad to learn that The Rock never does get killed, which sucks ‘cause that might have made all the suffering worth it in the end, just to see him ripped up and spit out in, like, 10 billion little pieces. Instead, the whole last part of the movie is supposed to be like the video game, in that it’s all done in the first person, which isn’t all that cool, and kind of made me sick to my stomach, if you want to know the truth. I just sort of wished that, at the end of the whole thing, there was someone around to scream “Motherfucker” at, but it was just me and Uncle Dusty, and I ended up having to drive home cause Dusty couldn’t keep his head up.
Actually, I guess I should go now; it looks like my uncle is outside, floating face down in the gutter, and I should go see if I can save him. Bye!
Dustin Rowles is the publisher of Pajiba and managing partner of its parent company, which prefers to remain anonymous for reasons pertaining to public relations. He lives in Ithaca, New York.
Film | May 12, 2006 | Comments ()