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Donkey Punch Review | Pajiba - Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People

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Yes. We’re Talking about That Donkey Punch

Donkey Punch / Dustin Rowles

Film Reviews | January 23, 2009 | Comments (113)

Ugh. I feel dirty having just watched Donkey Punch. God. What a miserable fucking excuse for a movie. What’s worse, too, is that I know I shouldn’t even bother reviewing it. I know it’ll just invite the assholes. I’m almost certain it will prompt a discussion on fucked-up sexual acts. That there’ll be a goddamn roll call on the many ways in which women can be denigrated. The Urban Dictionary will fetch another 500 page views. And then someone will boldly speak up, and suggest that it’s not really that funny, that the “angry pirate” (i.e., ejaculating into a woman’s eye) or the Dirty Sanchez isn’t particularly clever, unless you’re a juvenile Twatwaffle or a date-raping ass stain. And the person who spoke out will be mocked and ridiculed into silence, and the many people who agree with him or her will not bother speaking up because a couple of toolboxes are suggesting that that the offendee grow a sense of humor, because — of course — the toolboxes have tiny, tiny penises and combat their own Freudian insecurities by referring to the mythical time when they gave that chick a “chili dog.”

But then I remembered, we’re not Tucker Max. And we’re above the sort of contemptuous bullshit around these parts. Aren’t we?

For those of you blessedly unfamiliar with what a Donkey Punch is: Congratulations. You probably don’t hang out with a lot of people who refer to themselves as brohans. I’m guessing, also, that you’ll have absolutely no interest in seeing this movie, so you don’t really need to continue reading the review. But for the morbidly curious, and only because it plays central to the plot of Donkey Punch (it is, after all, right there in the witlessly idiotic title), a Donkey Punch refers to a sexual act in which the man, while fornicating with a woman from the rear position, punches her in the back of the head as he nears climax, which apparently heightens climax via muscle spasm. For him, only. For her: She gets a nasty welp on the back of her neck, knocked unconscious, or in the case of this particular movie, knocked into the afterlife.

Such is the narrative hook in Donkey Punch, which is about three college-aged party girls who decide, unwisely, to get on a yacht with four college-aged male strangers for a few drinks and a quick fuck. Unfortunately for one woman, one guy gets too overaggressive during their orgy and decides to show his manhood via Donkey Punch. I should also mention that the other participants in this orgy are video-taping the proceedings. The equation: Donkey Punch + Dead Woman + Video Tape = What the Fuck Are We Going to Do? The men, naturally, gravitate toward throwing the body overboard and concocting a story, while the two remaining women (one of whom holds the video-taped evidence) would prefer to reveal the truth and face the consequences.

Oh, what a tangled web. That Donkey Punch essentially turns into a game of survival out on the deep blue ocean is not unexpected, nor is the inevitable outcome. The only mystery that exist in Donkey Punch is the manner of undoing and whether they’ll manage to kill each other off before dying of brain-dead stupidity. There’s a sufficient amount of blood for slasher fans, and it is — at times — expertly done (a flare to the chest, for example), although it is all essentially wrapped around an idiotic gimmick designed to get the Alpha Kappa Lambda house into the theater where they can jerk each other off while contemplating where they’re going to get their next roofie. There’s very little suspense, either, in part because it’s impossible to give a shit about any of the characters, all who are nearly as revoltingly unpleasant as the film’s premise.

And though I’m not eager to coin another sexual act for the frattish masses, there is one particular form of fornication I would love to see the filmmakers engage in. It’s called the garbage disposal. It’s a simple act, really. Stick your dick in the sink and turn on the disposal. That’ll heighten your climax, brohan.

Dustin Rowles is the publisher of Pajiba. He lives withi his wife and son in Portland, Maine You can reach him via email, or leave a comment below.


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Comments

Bad link, Pajibagods. Links to the My Bloody Valentine review.

I shall now read about Donkey Punch.

Posted by: Jerce at January 23, 2009 12:08 PM

Gah, way to take the wind outta everybody's sails, Chief.

Posted by: Jay at January 23, 2009 12:09 PM

"Brohan"? Nobody says Brohan anymore. Except when the alumni come up. But they also say 'Za. Without irony. They're men from a different time. When Men were Men. When Campus was like the Wild West and you could chop down a totem pole without getting in any trouble.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at January 23, 2009 12:14 PM

I have to say that while I have zero interest in this film, the review and commentary was great. Nicely done.

Posted by: Cindy at January 23, 2009 12:16 PM

"Za"? Like in "The Touch of Satan"?

Oh and "AND TEABAGGING!!" Okay, had to get that out. Thanks.

Posted by: Jay at January 23, 2009 12:17 PM

Gee, thanks a lot, Dustin. Your review has convinced me that I'll eventually have to see this film. The exploit/pornhounds over at the IMDB horror boards will be all over this one, and unless I acknowledge a viewing and respond, my topics about engaging horror films will fall by the wayside.

Worst of all, it sounds like a mediocre at best survival scenario spiced up (but not really) with the donkey punch concept. It's like Feed all over again.

Posted by: Robert at January 23, 2009 12:17 PM

Wait - so spasming muscles is the whole point of a donkey punch? Do these guys realize that getting the girl off would actually probably work better if they want those particular muscles to spasm (also, is that why the whole "simultaneous orgasm" is so hyped? I've never gotten that.) Frankly, if somebody did that to me, I'd pull away and give him a goddamn donkey kick to the balls.

Posted by: s. pisaster at January 23, 2009 12:25 PM

Expert review, Dustin. Exactly what I figured the film would be like. It sounds like something my brother would definitely enjoy.

True story: my mom once got called to go pick my brother up from church camp, because him and a friend took pictures of themselves teabagging their other friend.

So, yeah, my brother would love this film.

Posted by: Snath at January 23, 2009 12:28 PM

Frankly, if somebody did that to me, I'd pull away and give him a goddamn donkey kick to the balls.

*bows down in reverence*

Dustin, seriously? You wasted precious moments of your life on this? It's like you're playing the "Why do you keep hitting yourself? Why do you keep hitting yourself? Stop hitting yourself" game all by your lonesome.

Posted by: Nicole at January 23, 2009 12:29 PM

Correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't punching somebody in the skull hurt the living shit outta your hand, thereby reducing the orgasmic experience significantly?

I prefer the "donkey-shove", wherein I shove my beloved off the bed and into the nightstand, giving me the precious time needed to grab my trousers and head toward the parking lot before she can call her pimp to collect...

Posted by: Skitz at January 23, 2009 12:33 PM

Wait... I thought the whole point of the Donkey Punch WAS to kill your partner. And all this time I thought I was doing it wrong...

Posted by: ernesto at January 23, 2009 12:33 PM

There's only one reason why the phrase "Donkey Punch" makes me laugh: a guy I went to college with had it as a nickname. No rhyme or reason; he never performed the act, it was just a funny nickname (generally shortened to "Donkey").

Anyway, he got the brilliant idea one night of streaking in front of a bar around the corner, right at closing time, when the crowds would be pouring out. I laugh because he made it off the porch and about two steps into the street--wearing only his sneakers--and tripped. Fell flat on to the pavement. Dick first.

Godtopus, that was awesome.

Posted by: Sean at January 23, 2009 12:34 PM

I personally would love to see a Saw-style movie called "Dirty Sanchez"

Posted by: Withnail at January 23, 2009 12:39 PM

WITHNAIL-

I can send you a VHS from my home archives.

Posted by: ernesto at January 23, 2009 12:42 PM

That sounds terrible, Sean. Dick first is no way to go through life.
And yes, ZA. It's so awkward to hear. I want to say something but there's no irony there. And they usually offer to buy.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at January 23, 2009 12:44 PM

Do these guys realize that getting the girl off would actually probably work better if they want those particular muscles to spasm

Well.......no, I don't think so.

And, if it's not a cursey-sounding word to shout at the superstitious locals....then what does "ZA" actually mean?

Posted by: Jay at January 23, 2009 12:48 PM

I can totally see the scenario now.

Evil puppet like creature caputures a pretty young thing and locks her up in a basement somewhere. And she has to make the ultimate choice.

Have her hand chopped off in a bear trap...

Or have a thin line of liquid poo drawn on her upper lip.

Robert Englund will have a cameo as the college professor.

Posted by: Withnail at January 23, 2009 12:49 PM

I'm almost certain it will prompt a discussion on fucked-up sexual acts.

What, 'round here? How dare you, sir? How dare you?

Life is about loving and children. It's not about some donkey punch or Tajikistani harmonica. It's not about a urine squeegee or a Halifax harpsichord. Finding your soulmate! That's what's important. Not a balls-deep triple-lindy, Johannesberg reacharound, or a Mexican massage.

Posted by: rikkitikkitavi at January 23, 2009 12:50 PM

*horf*

Posted by: Clee Shay at January 23, 2009 12:50 PM

There's only one way to insure that those particular muscles spasm.

Electro shock.

And now we have the plot of the sequel.

Posted by: Withnail at January 23, 2009 12:51 PM

Jay, I have to assume that 'za is douchespeak for pizza.

Posted by: Sean at January 23, 2009 12:53 PM

Oh.....OH......someone tell me that's not true.

Posted by: Jay at January 23, 2009 12:56 PM

There's only one way to insure that those particular muscles spasm.
Electro shock.
And now we have the plot of the sequel.

Donkey Shock?

Posted by: jM at January 23, 2009 12:58 PM

Don't hold your breath, Jay. You know that two whole syllables are way too much for the average "brah" to comprehend at once.

Posted by: Sean at January 23, 2009 12:59 PM

Jay, it's true. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Thank you for the 40YO Virgin quote, rikkitikkitavi! It's been going through my head since I read the review.

Posted by: Nicole at January 23, 2009 12:59 PM

I prefer the Hawaiian Fruit Punch to the Donkey Punch because with the Hawaiian Fruit Punch the lady I'm doing it to has the opportunity to do an emergency tap out to avoid passing out.

Posted by: Pookie at January 23, 2009 1:00 PM

Let's call it a "re-imagineering," Nicole. I can't do justice to the original, especially without the trippy accent.

Posted by: rikkitikkitavi at January 23, 2009 1:02 PM

This is seriously the most revolting movie concept since Captivity. I've actually seen the wannabe-infamous scene where the plot point takes place, and I wanted to vomit afterward and scrub it from my memory banks. Everything that happens before and after was frankly irrelevant.

Posted by: TK at January 23, 2009 1:10 PM

The accent does make all the difference, and I laugh just as hard at that scene each time I see it as I did all the times before.

Posted by: Nicole at January 23, 2009 1:22 PM

So are we supposed to feel sympathetic to the frat douche who accidentally killed a girl this way, the other frat boys who think they should just dump her body, or the girl's wonderful friends who seem to enter negotiations upon her death?

Really, this sounds like they took an abysmal porn movie, and cut most of the actual porn out of it.

It just isn't the same without Nathan Fillion.

Posted by: stipe42 at January 23, 2009 1:39 PM

Well, there's no probably no Aria Giovanni-caliber going on here either. Lose-Lose.

Posted by: Jay at January 23, 2009 1:43 PM

holy fuck!! You know, I never knew what that meant, and now I wish I never did! DAMN!!! What kind of douchebag adolescent microscopic dicked mother finds that cool? Show me a guy who does this shit, and I will go Lorena Bobbit on his ass!

Posted by: dammitjanet at January 23, 2009 1:47 PM

Is that a People's Choice Award she's threatening me with in the picture?

Posted by: monitorman at January 23, 2009 1:50 PM

Oh Jay, Now you share my pain. It is so awkward. How can someone say it with no IRONY? Let's get some 'Za. Anybody wanna chip in for some 'Za? And I sit there boggled by the idea.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at January 23, 2009 1:54 PM

There's only one way to insure that those particular muscles spasm.
Electro shock.
And now we have the plot of the sequel.

Eesh. Donkey Punch 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Posted by: MG at January 23, 2009 2:00 PM

I had to check this flick out on IMDB. Mainly because I've never heard of it before outside of Pajiba and was starting to think it was an early Arpil Fool's joke. Surprisingly, it's an actual movie. Here are the discriptors for the rating:

Rated R for a scene of strong sexual content involving an aberrant violent act, graphic nudity, violence, language and drug use.

Even though the name for the "aberrant violent act" is in the title, the MPAA still won't spell it out. How awesome would it have been if the warning had read:

Rated R for a scene of strong sexual content involving an aberrant violent act, otherwise known as a Donkey Punch (but if you are attending a movie called Donkey Punch you probably already knew that), graphic nudity (can't have an unrealistically placed bedsheet when the girl is getting plowed in the rear), violence (because getting killed with a punch to the back of the head certainly qualifies), language and drug use. (because those that engage in aberrant violent acts tend not to be puritanical).

Posted by: TylerDFC at January 23, 2009 2:07 PM

Wow, Dustin. What a depressing review. No, not the review of the movie itself. That's some made up bullshit that none of us knew existed and I'm guessing only .0001% of us will ever see.

But that you seem to have grown disdainful of a significant portion of your readership and your expectations of us are at an all time low.

Then you give us the bait? "But then I remembered, we're not Tucker Max. And we're above the sort of contemptuous bullshit around these parts. Aren't we?"

Hmm. Well, if Pookie can behave so can I.

Posted by: L.O.V.E. at January 23, 2009 2:08 PM

There's only one way to insure that those particular muscles spasm. Electro shock.

Out of simple respect for Dustin's suffering at the hands of this movie, I wanted to avoid the deterioration of the conversation into deviance ... but my simple understanding of electricity forces me to ask ...

Electro shocking someone whilst in physical contact means that you will share the shock, no? What are you going to do? Wear a special non-conductive condom?

Posted by: stipe42 at January 23, 2009 2:09 PM

Doesn't rubber have grounding properties?

Posted by: Nicole at January 23, 2009 2:15 PM

What if the girl sneezes or coughs? Wouldn't that give the guy a bit of a squeeze?

Posted by: grinder at January 23, 2009 2:25 PM

Doesn't rubber have grounding properties?

Yes, but the membrane is so thin, I would think that a taser (or anything giving the electro-shock strong enough for the purposes of this study) would easily have a high enough voltage to go through the condom.

Posted by: stipe42 at January 23, 2009 2:33 PM

Monitorman: Damn, you beat me to it. I thought that was a People's Choice Award, too.

Posted by: BWeaves at January 23, 2009 2:33 PM

You guys are all wrong, the Donkey and Hawaiian Punch isn't for your pleasure, its for the pleasure of the woman. In my entire adult sexual life I've always gotten off by the fact that I could get my woman off. I'm aghast at the behavior of some of you guys, you need to be more attentive lovers.

Posted by: Pookie at January 23, 2009 2:51 PM

No no no, you're looking at the movie all wrong. Think of it as a filter for the shallow end of the gene pool. Any theater showing this movie can be converted into a giant black hole with the Sarlacc Pit Monster waiting below. Any frat-boy douchebags and their bimbo, self-respectless girlfriends will meet with a quick, masticating death thereby freeing the rest of society from their tainted genes.

Posted by: stardust savant at January 23, 2009 2:54 PM

a cough works, a sneeze is better, but when have you ever gotten anyone to sneeze on cue? and i would need...like 17 seconds of sneezing...(i love internet anonymity)

and since no-ones misbehaving and i'm delurking, i'd like to add: Blumpkin.

thank you and goodnight

Posted by: VinKong at January 23, 2009 2:59 PM

I had no idea the act was done to make the girl tighten...I thought it was more about an act of aggression that would make the guy feel powerful and sadistic. So punching the girl makes her clench her internal muscles? Really? It wouldn't, I don't know, make her turn around and rip off the dude's lips with her teeth? Because that's what I would do.

Posted by: Julie at January 23, 2009 3:06 PM

"Frankly, if somebody did that to me, I'd pull away and give him a goddamn donkey kick to the balls.

Posted by: s. pisaster at January 23, 2009 12:25 PM"

My thoughts exactly, s. pisaster.

Posted by: Stella at January 23, 2009 3:10 PM

I am sitting at my desk doing kegels right now. I do them on my drive to work and home every day. THAT is how to make those muscles tighten. Tiny little weights attached to my labia.

In.....out......innnnnnnnnnn.....out

Posted by: dammitjanet at January 23, 2009 3:11 PM

Donkey Punch? This sounds like a Dane Cook movie, no, even he's got to much dignity for this. His movie will be the Dirty Houdini.

Posted by: George at January 23, 2009 3:14 PM

Am I the only one who thought a "donkey punch" was actually called a "Tony Danza"?

Posted by: Melissa at January 23, 2009 3:18 PM

RE: Pookie's ability to be attentive to his lovers

Your blow-up dolls appreciate your thoughtfulness and consideration, I'm sure.

Tiny little weights attached to my labia.

dammitjanet this may be too soon, and believe you me, I don't wanna blow this, but I think I may love you. Between that and the hetero-lady non-love for SATC affirmation you gave me yesterday... Well, I feel like I should take you out for a latte, you know, just to keep our kinship classy.

Posted by: Kayanne at January 23, 2009 3:18 PM

I'm going to invent my OWN sexual act. The Wildebeast Bitch Slap. If a guy fails to get me off I'll whack his balls until he cries for mommy.

Posted by: Julie at January 23, 2009 3:22 PM

The thing is -- you didn't have to review this. You didn't have to watch it. As an independent movie review site, you actually can show some discretion in what you watch.

You're actually no better than the movie itself. In fact, you're worse. The movie had the sense to call itself "Donkey Punch" -- a Darwinian marker of "here be trash." You, though, pretend to hate it while writing about it in loving detail.

Posted by: Mike B. at January 23, 2009 3:23 PM

Julie, there are men who would pay you to do that.

Get the money first, though.

Posted by: Kayanne at January 23, 2009 3:25 PM

Kayanne, I am available for hetero-lady love at any time. I'm big on Carmel Macchiato's!!! Or any drink with tequila

Posted by: dammitjanet at January 23, 2009 3:28 PM

Julie, your comment has me giggling hysterically at my desk. The woman in the waiting room is eyeing me over her magazine with a slight look of apprehension, but I can't stop laughing.

Also, double helping of WORD to s. pisaster. Now I'm laughing at that comment again, too.

It all almost makes up for this movie's existence and the fact that this asshole sex-act-with-a-side-of-assault has its own nickname. But not really.

Posted by: Lizzie (greeneyed fem) at January 23, 2009 3:33 PM

Sounds suspiciously like a new millenium remake of a certain Taylor Dane vehicle.

Like most males of my demographic, I learned of the mythic Donkey Punch via South Park, along with Fisheye, Hot Carl and the Filthy Sanchez.

"Okay children, what other sexual phrases have we learned today?"

Posted by: Protoguy at January 23, 2009 3:36 PM

Awesome, dammitjanet! Little tiny labia weights do call for work-out cool downs filled with Margaritas, how silly of me to forget.

Posted by: Kayanne at January 23, 2009 3:38 PM

"Your blow-up dolls appreciate your thoughtfulness and consideration, I'm sure."

Posted by: Kayanne at January 23, 2009 3:18 PM
______________________________________________________________________________

Kayanne, what have I done to you to deserve your scorn? I simply say that men should be more attentive and you take to my balls with alcohol and razor blades. I grow weary of your increasing attacks on me, but it is my lot for speaking truth to power. You are only one of about three females here at pajiba that I have a soft spot for. Can you please stop attacking me?

Posted by: Pookie at January 23, 2009 3:45 PM

The thing is -- you didn't have to review this. You didn't have to watch it. As an independent movie review site, you actually can show some discretion in what you watch.

As if people didn't bitch enough about the lack of movie reviews now. If Dustin actually listened to his conscience, there would be nothing but topless shots of Ryan Reynolds with one word reviews like "Hot", "Bonenificient", and "Guh".

Besides, we all know Dustin is a masochist by now. It is part of his charm.

Cheers, V. -- DR

Posted by: Vermillion at January 23, 2009 3:50 PM

Pookie... now you've done it....who are the others?

Posted by: dammitjanet at January 23, 2009 3:52 PM

"I'm going to invent my OWN sexual act. The Wildebeast Bitch Slap. If a guy fails to get me off I'll whack his balls until he cries for mommy."

you made my mascara run, I'm laughing so hard.

Posted by: Stella at January 23, 2009 4:01 PM

Pookie, admit it. You love ALL ladies. Especially when they bust your balls. You like a strong woman who can take you in hand. Be a little rough with you. Show you who's boss.

Posted by: grinder at January 23, 2009 4:14 PM

Pooks, I've only attacked you once! I generally have been standing up for you, especially in regards to the fact that you have been turning a new leaf. But I'll lay off. Especially since razor blades kind of creep me out and I have no desire to go at anyone's balls with them. My apologies for the offense. But ew, Donkey Punch jokes, come on, man...

But how adorable that you mentioned your soft spot! You're getting a cookie.

Posted by: Kayanne at January 23, 2009 4:17 PM

I am severely disappointed in the deterioration of discourse on this site.

More disgusting sex talk, people?

This is exactly what Dustin was complaining about.

The continued objectification of women is disheartening.

A "Donkey Punch" is SEXUAL ASSAULT!!!!!

It is not a joke. Grow up!

Posted by: L.O.V.E. at January 23, 2009 4:26 PM

A "Donkey Punch" is SEXUAL ASSAULT!!!!!

It is not a joke. Grow up!

Ay fucking carumba, here we go again. It's hard to imagine a more reasonable pro-woman response than what has been offered here today, other than some grim screed that defeats the whole point of being on sites like this. Oh, but wait, now we have one. I'll be hiding under my desk with my sense of humor.

Posted by: rikkitikkitavi at January 23, 2009 4:59 PM

Every last one of you is a deviant.

Posted by: Hitler's Mom at January 23, 2009 5:00 PM

Dustin is just like a woman, always sending out mixed messages. You can't review a movie called "Donkey Punch" and expect the poon-hounds of pajiba to simply ignore it and then become upset when we start to discuss all that the Punch has to offer. If I'm at a woman's house and she comes out of her bedroom butt naked while I'm sitting on the couch listening to some LTD and sipping on some yac, she gettin' dick. She can 't ask me why am I trying to fuck while she's naked, I'm trying to fuck cuz she 's all up on me.

But I will admit that lately the conversation has invariably ended up about some kind of sex talk no matter what originally the topic has been about.

I had a very good female friend that once asked my how come I never invited her to my home, I told her that if she came to my house she gettin' fucked.

There are only two types of women in my life, the ones I've fucked, and the ones I'm trying to fuck.

Posted by: Pookie at January 23, 2009 5:34 PM

I had a very good female friend that once asked my how come I never invited her to my home, I told her that if she came to my house she gettin' fucked.

That night was filled with so much magic. Of course my dress will forever be ruined, but sacrifices must be made.

Posted by: Kayanne at January 23, 2009 5:53 PM

There are only two types of women in my life, the ones I've fucked, and the ones I'm trying to fuck.

I know I shouldn't, I know this encourages the disintegration of quality of conversation, but I just can't resist, my fingers are typing it all on their own ...

So which category does your mom fall into?

Posted by: stipe42 at January 23, 2009 5:54 PM

stipe42 you're worse than Jerry Springer. And I'm ok with that.

Love,
The East Coast

Posted by: Kayanne at January 23, 2009 5:59 PM

My goodness, stipe. That was crass.

Incest is NOT FUNNY!!

Dustin, please delete stipe's offensive comment about Pookie's family member.

Posted by: L.O.V.E. at January 23, 2009 6:03 PM

Kayanne, even Jerry Springer was mayor of Cincinnati. I may have to go into politics at this point.

XoXoXo
West Coast

Posted by: stipe42 at January 23, 2009 6:04 PM

Incest is NOT FUNNY!!

L.O.V.E.: not generally, but if it's a family of clowns...

Posted by: stipe42 at January 23, 2009 6:06 PM

Calm down L.O.V.E., I'm not at all offended by stipe's comment. And I hope that Dustin doesn't delete stipe's comment. I don't believe in censorship. Besides, stipe just might win next week's top comment.

Posted by: Pookie at January 23, 2009 6:09 PM

Incest is NOT FUNNY!!

You've never seen Pookie's O Face.

Posted by: Kayanne at January 23, 2009 6:11 PM

Are you kidding me? Incest can be hilarious. Anyone see FUBAR? Remember how Terry fingered banged his cousin? At a family wedding, but still claimed he don't know it was his cousin? That's some funny shit.

Posted by: grinder at January 23, 2009 6:12 PM

"So which category does your mom fall into?" stipe42

That kid fucked my life!

Posted by: Pookie's Mom at January 23, 2009 6:14 PM

Hmmm, I always thought a donkey punch was to the kidneys, not the skull. Made more sense to me, what with the clinching of abdominal muscles and whatnot. I'll have to inform my girlfriend that we've been doing it all wrong.

Posted by: porksnap at January 23, 2009 6:15 PM

*And Scene*

Actually, stipe, I was going to make the same exact joke (along with a reference to West Virginia) but I was still fishing for comments like rikkitikkitavi's.

I was also debating a "Pookie's mother is a saint! I hate you stipe42, I hate you."

Posted by: L.O.V.E. at January 23, 2009 6:17 PM

Pookie's Mom: Your boy seems very sweet. Quit being vulgar.

Posted by: Hitler's Mom at January 23, 2009 6:18 PM

Posted by: Pookie's Mom

I have to ask, are you in a quilting group with Hitler's Mom?

Posted by: Kayanne at January 23, 2009 6:18 PM

This just in:

L.O.V.E. IS POOKIE'S MOM

Posted by: Kayanne at January 23, 2009 6:20 PM

L.O.V.E. IS POOKIE'S MOM

Um, only if Pookie's mom has a massive erection right now.

Posted by: L.O.V.E. at January 23, 2009 6:31 PM

Um, only if Pookie's mom has a massive erection right now.

And you said incest wasn't funny.

Posted by: Kayanne at January 23, 2009 6:34 PM

Kayanne,

I just have one thing to say to that:
Fingerbang bang bang,
Fingerbang bang bang bang bang
I'm gunna fingerbang, bang you into my life.
Girl, you like to fingerbang and it's alright.
Cuz' I'm the king of fingerbang, yea, that's right .
I'll just fingerbang, bang you every night.

Posted by: L.O.V.E. at January 23, 2009 6:53 PM

I'm gunna fingerbang, bang you into my life

Wait a second, wait a second, here. If you are in fact "fingerbangin'" me (and I would assume you would do it in a way that would leave off the last "g") wouldn't you already be in my life (and subsequently vice-versa). Or is this a metaphorical fingerbang? Like it's not really a fingerbang but more about how you'll steal my identity and take my money from my bank?

Or do you just have arms that can reach for miles so that I may come hither once my fingerbang king calls?

So many questions.

Posted by: Kayanne at January 23, 2009 7:23 PM

Oh, also, Herr Maestro Stipey I am well aware of Mr. Springer's political backgrounds. Be advised: you're still the worst of the two.

And that's just peachy,
East Coast
(We can't help our love for Springer. His show keeps much of our trailer trash from the Jersey shore to the Dixie land in hotels near Chicago.)

Posted by: Kayanne at January 23, 2009 7:28 PM

Incest is NOT FUNNY!!

Damn you, L.O.V.E.! Sarcasm font, fucko! There are too many yammerheads that roll through here with unironic aspirations to edumicate us about womyn.

Posted by: rikkitikkitavi at January 23, 2009 7:41 PM

This is how it works, Kayanne.

You start out not in my life. Then I say, "I want that girl in my life."

So then I fingerbang you. I fingerbang you into my life. I fingerbang you into my heart. Then I munch box.

That's how the kids on South Park taught me to do it, anyway. Cartman gots mad game.

Posted by: L.O.V.E. at January 23, 2009 7:48 PM

rikkitikkitavi, got ya!

I shall take my bow now and accept roses thrown at my feet.

Now, if you will excuse me. I have to go do a guest spot on Inside the Actors Studio. James Lipton is going to ask me to tell the audience my favorite naughty word.

Posted by: L.O.V.E. at January 23, 2009 7:54 PM

Oh, L.O.V.E how could I forget that you were under the tutelage of Cartman. Also, I appreciate the explanation/directions/treasure map for getting from not in your life to into your life via the fingerbang toll, but next time could you submit a diorama? I like visuals.

There are too many yammerheads that roll through here with unironic aspirations to edumicate us about womyn.

Unfortunately, rikkitikkitavi, you are once again too quick to judge. L.O.V.E. educated me to the fact that women (or perhaps just moms) can get "massive erections." I suddenly feel incomplete as a woman... And have a desire to edit a wikipedia page!

Posted by: Kayanne at January 23, 2009 8:00 PM

*throws hands up in the air*

*shrugs shoulders*

*shakes head with wiseacre grin*

*shows self out*

Posted by: Dustin Rowles at January 23, 2009 8:03 PM

I recently went to see the very decent "Let The Right One In" where they played a preview for this. Everyone just sat there until the end of the preview when the title came up and then everyone burst out laughing. It was definitely the cruel variety usually reserved for handicapped children and the homeless.

Posted by: smatt584 at January 23, 2009 8:11 PM

Kayanne, I'm a man, baby. (in baritone voice) ALL MAN.

And Dustin, thanks for not turning the lights off on your way out. Me likes to do it with the lights on. Feel free to come back and watch, though. Since its your house and all.

Posted by: L.O.V.E. at January 23, 2009 8:12 PM

I recently went to see the very decent "Let The Right One In" where they played a preview for this. Everyone just sat there until the end of the preview when the title came up and then everyone burst out laughing. It was definitely the cruel variety usually reserved for handicapped children and the homeless.

Posted by: smatt584 at January 23, 2009 8:12 PM

Wait, Dustin, don't go. We were gonna make Dioramas! Honestly, when was the last time you didn't have fun making a diorama?

Maybe make a Donkey Punch pop-up book?

Oh, even I know that's in bad taste.

Posted by: Kayanne at January 23, 2009 8:14 PM

Dammit, i hate my computer.

Posted by: smatt584 at January 23, 2009 8:18 PM

Kayanne, I'm a man, baby. (in baritone voice) ALL MAN.

Ugh, you know I was really hoping someone would be willing take the "I've got a massive erection for you to borrow, RIGHT HERE" joke. But, as with the house chores, it looks like I'ma hafta do it myself.

smatt584 don't hate you're computer, it brings you to us! Come join us at the craft table. L.O.V.E. is making a fingerbang diorama, Pookie is making a portrait of the women "[he] be fuckin'" and I'm about to get started on the Donkey Punch pop-up book!

Posted by: Kayanne at January 23, 2009 8:29 PM

Yay! I'm gonna make a computer out of popsicle sticks and smash it

Posted by: smatt584 at January 23, 2009 8:46 PM

I learned about the Donkey Punch and about a dozen other acts from a guy who honestly did use the word brohan. Other's include the alaskan pipeline, rusty trombone and...if I'm not mistaken...the Arabian goggles.

Anywho...Dustin, you kinda left out the fact that the guy is usually doing the girl from the rear position...*ahem* in the rear.

You know...Up da butt?

Kinda a glaring oversight there, bud.

Posted by: Some Guy at January 23, 2009 11:14 PM

"(along with a reference to West Virginia)"

Dammit to hell!

*slams Mason jar on bedstand, sloshing shine on floor, waking pregnant 13-year-old cousin and her brother; thinks, What Would Jesco Do?; clogs a little; takes hit of crystal meth and deep breath, sucking air between remaining two teeth; lights cigarette, inserts pinch of Skoal betwen cheek and gum; counts to 10 to get temper under control, using toes: 1, 2, 3 ... uh, 6? What comes after 3? Damn. 1, 2, 3; lets breath out, killing pot plant in the window; ooooooo-kay ...*

Ahem.

You were no doubt going to make reference to our scenic mountains and byways, marvelous trout streams, challenging whitewater rivers, unspoiled forests, friendly people and kickass rock bands ... right?

*fingers MurderMuzzleloader trigger*

Right?

Posted by: bucdaddy at January 24, 2009 12:54 AM

*reads thread*

Whats the HTML for holy water?

Posted by: admin at January 24, 2009 2:01 AM

"We were gonna make Dioramas!"

I was gonna make espresso.

Posted by: bucdaddy at January 24, 2009 10:05 AM

sometimes, in my rage of lust
while you are bleeding in bed
i feel the urge, perhaps i must
punch you in the back of the head

you cry, scream, but i'm not done
a good girl impale'd lies
patiently, and does not shun
the semen that soon flies

the beauty of the donkey's punch
the way that you tighten
the way that you bunch
and please, do not frighten

bitch, shut the fuck up
and take it in the butt.

--Shakespeare

Posted by: Bucko at January 24, 2009 11:57 AM

I didn't know what a Donkey Punch is before I read this review. I don't feel enlightened now that I know. Why I love some sexual experimentation and would get up to almost anything, a donkey punch is not only disrespectful to your lover but downright stupid in what it tries to achieve. There are better (and more peaceful) ways of making yourself spasm.

This movie looks like a pile of stinking shit.

Posted by: barf at January 24, 2009 1:26 PM

Bucko the esteem'd bard is not related to bucdaddy.

Sadly.

*tear rolls down cheek*

That was ... beautiful.

Posted by: bucdaddy at January 24, 2009 3:44 PM

I'm available for adoption if you're interested, bucdaddy.

just like that mr. show sketch.

Posted by: Bucko at January 24, 2009 10:27 PM

Posted by: Bucko at January 25, 2009 12:03 AM

Adopted son,

Is that Budweiser I see? Uh-uh. Not in my house. I taught you to drink better than that. You live under my roof, you follow my rules, or it's back to the Romanian orphanage you go.

Posted by: bucdaddy at January 25, 2009 10:17 PM

That was just a phase. These days it's basically double Don Julios on the rocks for me.

If you're gonna drink, don't drink shit.

Posted by: Bucko at January 25, 2009 11:37 PM

I once went to a Mexican themed party where everyone got to pick a name tag as they arrived.
In my innocence, I chose Dirty Sanchez because it sounded funny, and thus was the confused recipient of laughter for most of the night until someone FINALLY took pity and enlightened me on the meaning...

Posted by: missh at January 26, 2009 9:19 AM

I went to a Mexican theme party once long ago, I came dressed as an undocumented laborer.

Posted by: Pookie at January 26, 2009 12:36 PM





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