Disaster Movie | Pajiba - Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People

Eat Some F*ck. I Refuse to Dignify Your Movie with a New Review

Disaster Movie / Dustin Rowles

Film Reviews | August 29, 2008 | Comments (144)

~~Date Movie~~ Disaster Movie is about what you’d expect, namely the highest form of pain allowed under law without a proper anesthetic. In fact, I’d be willing to suggest that, had James Frey written in his memoir that he’d sat through its entirety without an arsenal of painkillers, no one would’ve believed him in the first place, saving us all from Oprah’s confrontational antics, a series of editorials on the truth of fiction (where is Hunter Thompson when you need him), and countless Scary Movie-style parodies that have erupted on these very Internets. The only allusion missing from ~~Date Movie~~ Disaster Movie is a welcome homage to Final Destination, in which the director, those two-out-of-the-six writers of Scary Movie, and the entire cast have their heads pumped full of Silly Putty until the entire production ends in an explosive confetti of “Beetle Bailey” newsprint and brain matter.

No matter how low your expectations for ~~Epic Movie~~ Disaster Movie are, reduce them by at least 90 percent. Really, think of the worst movie you’ve ever seen. Now take away any redeeming qualities. Now take away any element that was esthetically neutral. Now add in the most painful moments from the 10 next-worst movies you can think of. That’s what ~~Epic Movie~~ Disaster Movie would be if it were a hell of a lot better than it is. I never laughed, not once.

Parody films are meant to call attention to the inherent ridiculousness of many genre tropes, to make light of conventions we’ve somehow come to accept as normal facets of the film-going experience. Or, failing that, they’re supposed to make us laugh. ~~Meet the Spartans~~ Disaster Movie does neither. Imagine the way you feel when the office maladroit recites his favorite racist joke to you in the bathroom and you can get a comparative idea of what it was like watching Seltzer and Friedberg try to make a coherent comedy. It isn’t funny, instead filling you with pity and disgust, and everyone involved is somehow diminished by the experience.

Thus we arrive at the critic’s problem in writing about a film like ~~Scary Movie 4~~ Disaster Movie: When you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas. I could work myself into a tizzy about how lame the shit-and-piss jokes are, but I’d wind up dealing in the same debased, exhausted material that the filmmakers do. I’d like to write a funny review about how terrible ~~Scary Movie 4~~ Disaster Movie is, but it’s not really terrible — just stupid and pointless — and everything it offers has already been mocked to death. Why jump on the bandwagon now?

So, I’m asking nicely: Stop it. Just fucking stop it. Don’t make anymore of these goddamn movies. None. The only thing left, anyway, is a motherfucking spoof of spoof movies, which would be like watching yourself look at yourself in a mirror, which would probably cause a flatulent rip in the space/time continuum, and we’d all be sucked into a wet fart that’d smell vaguely of Matthew McConaughey’s underarms and Perez Hilton’s swamp-ass.

This is how bad it’s gotten: It’s not even three of the five writers of Scary Movie anymore. It’s one of the eight guys who wrote Scary Movie 3, for fuck’s sake. Drink my shit-milkshake, pisswad. I’m begging you, ~~Craig Mazin, David Zucker,~~ Jason Freidberg, Aaron Seltzer, you anus-brained fucknut(s). Quit it, or I will come to your house club you with a baby seal. They’re not funny, and the only people who think they are (the ones who, invariably, will hand ~~Superhero Movie~~ Disaster Movie a $20 opening weekend) shouldn’t be allowed to breed — they should be rounded up, stuffed into the ass end of a donkey suit, and crammed — along with Tyler Perry and the cast of “Laguna Beach/The Hills” — into a crag in Amy Winehouse’s face and be spackled over with the fat of Dan Fogler’s left butt cheek.

Dustin Rowles is the publisher of Pajiba. He lives in Portland, Maine. You can reach him via email, or leave a comment below.

Portions of this review were also written by Phillip Stephens and Jeremy C. Fox.

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Comments

i love this site.

Posted by: aidan at August 29, 2008 1:18 PM

I don't get it, did the reviewer like this film or not?

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at August 29, 2008 1:20 PM

~~FIRSTTTT!!!~~ [ --Ed] THIRDDDDD!!!

i am soo sorry could not help myself....back to lurking!!!

Posted by: NDR at August 29, 2008 1:21 PM

Never mind....

Posted by: NDR at August 29, 2008 1:22 PM

Awesome

Posted by: Alli at August 29, 2008 1:22 PM

...

Posted by: Conrad (last name withheld) at August 29, 2008 1:24 PM

Unfortunately, I think my brother will suffer through this when it hits cable for one very important reason: Kim Kardashian is in it. Then he'll call me screaming about how it's "forever in there" and I'll just laugh at him.

Who still has money to waste on this stuff? I'm lucky if I can fund my Sephora addiction on a tri-monthly basis anymore.

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at August 29, 2008 1:25 PM

In a hurry to get home to the family for Labor Day Weekend, Dustin? I really hate to do this (because I love your reviews like crazy), but you're developing some tropes of your own that leave you quite vulnerable to spoofing:

Irrational celebri-hate: check. You left out Katherine Heigl, but other than that...

Frothy rant against the writer(s): check.

Wholesale putdown of the intended audience: check.

I sensed some life in the old boy with the intro, though, so presumably not all is lost. James Frey and Hunter S. Thompson were worked in nicely, but then you seemed to coast from Beetle Bailey all the way home...

Posted by: Che Grovera at August 29, 2008 1:27 PM

uh...

Why you gotta hate, man?

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at August 29, 2008 1:28 PM

stupid people need entertainment, too

Posted by: phaedawg at August 29, 2008 1:31 PM

"Then he'll call me screaming about how it's 'forever in there' and I'll just laugh at him."

A HA HA HA HA!!! You are awesome.

Posted by: sherry at August 29, 2008 1:31 PM

This sounds like my kind of movie. What do you think Che?

Posted by: Dave at August 29, 2008 1:36 PM

Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, 
Which ~~remade horror~~ parody film is worst of all?
...
~~Mirrors~~ Pajiba, ~~Mirrors~~ Pajiba, ~~most unfavorable~~ bless your soul,
Recycled reviews help save us all.

Plus it's good for the environment. Go green film criticism!

Posted by: Robert at August 29, 2008 1:37 PM

Conrad: I think you said it all.

Posted by: BWeaves at August 29, 2008 1:38 PM

Will someone please explain to Mr. Duchovny that wanting to fuck is normal.

Posted by: Pookie at August 29, 2008 1:38 PM

Pookie-I think that his wife is tired of dressing up in the alien costume.

Posted by: anikitty at August 29, 2008 1:43 PM

If that's a reference to The Jaunt, you have become my favorite person today...

Just because I need to know - is there any plot whatsoever in this movie? I mean, what exactly is the disaster part of it? Obviously, the pop culture... uh, references(?) are what the whole goddamed point of the thing is - "Look, it's Amy Winehouse! HAHAHAHAHAHA... Oh, shit! Look, it's the girl from Juno! Remember her? Oh man, what will they think of n... HAW! It's the Hulk! HAHAHAHA, man, nothing's off-limits here! WHOO! Say, do you mind if I turn on my cell phone? I wanna check the production schedule of Tucker Max's flick... Here we g... OMIGOD, that guy looks just like Dr. Phil! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAAaaaaaaa...ha... It hurts to breathe."

But yeah, is there any semblance of a plot?

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at August 29, 2008 1:43 PM

Haha, I love that the management itself has turned against the firsties. That really defines the Pajiban atmosphere. Our overlords are bitchy yet benevolent.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at August 29, 2008 1:45 PM

Wait a sec. This is an actual movie? A Movie movie? In theaters?

I thought this was a mena-spirited euphemism for the Kim Kardashan-Carmen Electra sex tape that simply MUST EXIST.

Color me disappointed.

Posted by: Vermillion at August 29, 2008 1:47 PM

EPIC recycling!

Posted by: Snath at August 29, 2008 1:54 PM

Hi Vermillion, it's been a long time since we've talked, I hope everything is going great for you. Anyway, what do you think of my suggestion concerning Mr. Duchovny's alleged problem with fucking?

Posted by: Pookie at August 29, 2008 1:55 PM

Well, it's this, or Babylon A.D...

Posted by: monitorman at August 29, 2008 1:56 PM

Who's excited for "Sci-Fi Movie????" It's already been greenlit and is coming next year!!!

YAYYYY!!!!

Posted by: Ethan Guild at August 29, 2008 1:59 PM

I love you, Dustin. Marry me.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at August 29, 2008 2:02 PM

Honestly, monitorman, you're probably better off just renting something this week. The director of Babylon A.D. has been publically criticizing the finished product because Fox f'd it up royally. He regrets going with a bigger budget since it meant the studio controlled everything to make it PG-13 and prevented him from shooting pivotal scenes A) according to script and B) in a way that made sound artistic sense.

Or Hamlet 2. Which went wide Wednesday.

Posted by: Robert at August 29, 2008 2:02 PM

I sincerely hope the people who created this movie don't vote.

Posted by: Aaron at August 29, 2008 2:03 PM

For those who caught onto it, yes, that was a deliberate reference to The Jaunt. I'm super cool like that.

Pookie, I think "sex addiction" tends to be a code phrase for "too much fucking with the wrong people". At least, that's how I interpreted it.

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at August 29, 2008 2:06 PM

What about Movie Movie, has that been greenlit yet? Just imagine, it'll have an all celebrity-impersonator-impersonator cast! Brilliant!

Very appropriate review, by the way. Nice!

Posted by: meaux at August 29, 2008 2:07 PM

Or maybe that you hope the people willing to shell out the dough to see this movie don't vote.

Those people scare me more.

Posted by: Alabamapink at August 29, 2008 2:09 PM

Wait a sec. This is an actual movie? A Movie movie? In theaters?

I guess it is. However, the actual film reels are rumored to be made of human feces, not celluloid. That way you are watching a shitty movie, both literally and figuratively. This is the closest the studio and filmmakers can get to physically giving you a Cleveland Steamer, which is the obvious intention of anyone willing to make or participate in a movie like this.

It's like the Smell-O-Vision of the new millennium.

Posted by: branded at August 29, 2008 2:13 PM

Jeremy! We've missed you. Are you well? Are they feeding you?

Also, I was driving in a car with a "friend" the other day, and she was talking on the phone and somehow the conversation about parody movies came up between her and her friend on the other line. "I don't understand all the hate, I think they're really funny!" she said.

We're no longer friends.

The best part was right after that, she said "yeah, I like feeling "in" on all the jokes, understanding all the pop-culture references. They're easy to understand."

Posted by: Kevin Longrie at August 29, 2008 2:14 PM

I know it's not right to subject you to the trite, cliched desperation that is these bullshit parody movies. I get the PTSD, man. I really do. But when you start throwing phrases around like "Perez Hilton's swamp ass" it just gets mean. To me. Now I gotta spend my Friday afternoon with those words rattling around inside my skull. Mean.

Posted by: megbon at August 29, 2008 2:21 PM

This review reminded me of possible the best album review by an internet site: Pitchfork's review of Jet, Shine On.

http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/article/record_review/38853-jet-shine-on

Posted by: Frank at August 29, 2008 2:25 PM

Dustin needs a hug.

We love you Dustin!

Posted by: figgylicious at August 29, 2008 2:27 PM

It's movies like this that make me want to go on random face-biting sprees.

Posted by: TK at August 29, 2008 2:27 PM

Bet David Duchovney would go with you, TK

Posted by: megbon at August 29, 2008 2:29 PM

Understood Genny, but my problem with him is that how can fucking be a problem? I've never heard of such a thing. You might be right in that he was fucking the wrong people as opposed to fucking the right people. I blame tea Leoni for all of this agita, this is what happens when you get married, no more boom boom for this mama-san.

Posted by: Pookie at August 29, 2008 2:30 PM

I was going to write this raging rant about the failures of the studio system and the reasons why shit like this is greenlit...but seriously, I just don't care anymore. It's depressing that we have fallen to this as a creative society. It's sad and fucking wrong. That is all I can muster without crying.

Posted by: Gamal at August 29, 2008 2:34 PM

I second the whole Electra/Kardashian sex tape thing, because that's the only time I'd legitimately want to see them in a movie.

"I auditioned for this. It was actually my first audition, and I got the role. And it's my first movie. I had heard what a great reputation Aaron and Jason have had, and I was just so excited to come on board. And then when I found out Carmen was doing it -- I know that she had done these movies before -- so I know that she would help me feel comfortable." - Ms. K on why she did Disaster Movie. Sometimes, the truth not only hurts, but it's fucking hysterical.

Posted by: Mike R. at August 29, 2008 2:37 PM

Ah, I love the recycled review. Very clever.

I'm also confused as to why this is called Disaster Movie. Oh wait. I just got it. It's meta. I swear that just occurred to me while I was typing.

Posted by: BWeaves at August 29, 2008 2:38 PM

Dustin, you need to stop this shit. How many times are you going to put your hand on a hot stove? How many times will you cross a street without looking first? I once knew a guy who would cut himself because it would get him off in some way. It releases the endorphins in your body and lets the world know that your outer pain is symbolic of your inner pain. But I can't imagine why you would want to keep doing this to yourself. None of us need you to do this for us. We know that a hot stove will burn us if we touch it. We know that we could get hit and killed by a truck if we don't look both ways. We know that a movie such as this will only damage us by watching it. Christ himself has already done all he can in regards to self-sacrifice. Please lay down the cross. Even Jesus had someone to carry the cross for him if only for a moment. Reagan had someone to jump in front of a bullet for him. If nobody at Pajiba is going to do the same for you, then I will have to see these movies as well so that you can at least have someone to share your pain with. Please stop. I don't know if I can take that kind of pain. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Posted by: B-rant at August 29, 2008 2:46 PM

If Duchovny makes a sex tape, will it be called XXX-Files?

Posted by: Pookie at August 29, 2008 2:56 PM

Hey ya'll, Tyler Perry here. I heard my name being mentioned somewhere in the universe, and figured I'd pop in to say don't forget to see my movie "Tyler Perry's The Family That Prays", in theatres September 12th.

That's right, I'm not hiding in Black History Month anymore. I'm like my boy Obama, I'm gonna take the straight truth to all ya'll cracker's faces. "Burn After Reading"? Bitch, please! That shit can wait! I got Kathy Bates in my new movie! KATHY "MUTHAFUKIN" BATES! That's straight gangsta'!

And before ya'll start hatin', just realize that I won't go away until I'm done crankin' out another movie that fills my pockets with change long enough for me to write another Medea movie. You like Mamma Mia so much, it just encouraged me to continue to do the same shit I've been doin' my whole career...adaptin' my lackluster stage plays into lackluster film adaptations with big name stars.

I'm like Saw, I'm just churnin' these babies out once a year and Lionsgate will pay for anything these days! Look for "Madea Goes To Jail", starring me and Keshia Knight Pulliam on February 20th! Dolla' Bills, Ya'll!

Posted by: Tyler Perry at August 29, 2008 2:57 PM

Sorry to go off-topic, but what the butt is going on with the front page? Why are old articles all over it? Is it some kind of Three Days Before Labor Day Pajiba Holiday (TDBLDPH, or 3DBLDPH, or just 3DB for the cool kids)?

I notice that most of the reposts are reviews of this summer's favorite movies plus the article with Tina Fey in it (and Tina Fey makes everything good automatically). Maybe it's designed as a counter-balance against Disaster Movie being up on the front page, so that the site doesn't tumble into a black hole of tastelessness and butt.

Posted by: Lucas at August 29, 2008 3:07 PM

WTF!!! This is an outrage, this attack will not go unanswered. This is a call to arms!!!

Posted by: Pookie at August 29, 2008 3:08 PM

Holy fucking crap in a cowboy hat, "Tyler Perry's The Family That Prays" is a real movie. A REAL MOVIE IN THE MOVIE THEATER.

I hate everyone. Every single person in the world right now. If you'll excuse me, I have to go drink a shot of mercury.

Posted by: TK at August 29, 2008 3:08 PM

TK, you know what's sadder...when creating Mr. Perry, I was joking about Medea Goes to Jail...until I saw in Wikipedia that IT'S ACTUALLY FUCKING HAPPENING! GODDAMNIT!

Posted by: Mike R. at August 29, 2008 3:13 PM

I liked the review, and it doesn't sound like this "movie" deserved even this much . . . After having to sit through this crapfest, you deserve, like, a medal, or something. You're the real hero. Now go watch some >

Posted by: Elfrieda at August 29, 2008 3:13 PM

Goddamn laptop. Anyway, as I was saying . . .

Posted by: Elfrieda at August 29, 2008 3:15 PM

Holy fucking crap in a cowboy hat, "Tyler Perry's The Family That Prays" is a real movie.

I beg to differ, TK. There is no such movie. Please put down the shot of mercury.

There is, however, a movie called Tyler Perry's The Family That Preys. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to hook myself up to a carbolic acid IV.

Posted by: Sarina at August 29, 2008 3:15 PM

Yikes. Tyler Perry can't spell his own movie's title correctly? Hang your head, Mr. Perry.

Posted by: Jay at August 29, 2008 3:17 PM

C'mon, Pookie. You are better than that. His porn movies are actually on cable. Its called Californication. You can see it On Demand. You see, he produces the "show" and "auditions" all the "actresses" who his "character" beds on the "show". What I mean to say is he created a show as an excuse to fuck a lot of girls off camera and then pretends to fuck them on camera. Sometimes he fucks the girls off camera, but isn't nice enough to let them be on his show and fuck him on camera. Those are the ugly ones. I guess what I'm trying to say is that dude is getting mad poontang. And his wife told him to stop or she will fuck him. So now he is pulling a "Wade Boogs" as its known in the circle. What is the "circle", you ask. Its like my favorite five, but we use Alltel. Me, David, Wade, Charlie Sheen, and Charles in Charge.

Posted by: JP at August 29, 2008 3:18 PM

Is anyone who is a regular reader of this site planning to see this movie? I'm betting no. So why would the powers that be bother to waste the time, money and limited Internet real estate on it?

There are more valuable ways to spend an afternoon, like for example flashing one's vagooter at David Duchovny and hoping his addiction gets the better of him.

Mmmmm. That's the stuff, Mulder. I've got your medicine, right here in my American Apparel undies. I'll wager he's a biter...

Posted by: Mella at August 29, 2008 3:19 PM

Rather than make these godawful films any more they should just, when they get the urge, show Airplane! and Blazing Saddles in all the cinemas instead
and Robin Hood: Men In Tights.

Cos its forking awesome

Posted by: nadine at August 29, 2008 3:24 PM

I'm naming my first child Vagooter

Posted by: Nadine at August 29, 2008 3:26 PM

Technically it's "baby-san", but I thorougly appreciate the quote regardless.

Posted by: Jay at August 29, 2008 3:26 PM

Yikes. Tyler Perry can't spell his own movie's title correctly? Hang your head, Mr. Perry.

Posted by: Jay at August 29, 2008 3:17 PM

My bad, ya'll. I took care of it. No wonder Mama was lookin' at me funny when I sent her the invitation. As a reward, you can all buy my movie "Tyler Perry's Madea's Family Reunion" at Best Buy for $3.99. Remember, every dollar you spend will go towards financing my new film adaptation of my drama/musical, "What's Done In The Drak"

Aw shit...where's a spellcheck when you need it?

Posted by: Tyler Perry at August 29, 2008 3:26 PM

Dear Tyler Perry, It's spelled "y'all"

Posted by: Kayanne at August 29, 2008 3:28 PM

If you'll excuse me, I have to go drink a shot of mercury.

Posted by: TK at August 29, 2008 3:08 PM

-----------------------------------------------

YEAH!! make sure you do.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at August 29, 2008 3:28 PM

Have you people any decency, why must Mr. Perry be the subject of so much scorn? America is at a turning point in her history that will determine her survival. You guys should be hating on Tea Leoni for fucking up Duchovny's career for not supplying him with the right of poonage.

Posted by: Pookie at August 29, 2008 3:31 PM

Everyone, I have sad news...Tyler Perry is missing. I know how much you all love him and his no nonsense, true to life dramatic stylings; so I say with a heavy heart that there were Murdertank tracks found in front of his home, and we must hunt down whomever did this.

Nevermind the fact that I have a Murdertank, nevermind that my fingerprints will be on the body...if there's a body to speak of, and nevermind the fact that I just confessed to the abduction/impersonation/attempted feeding to cougars of Tyler Perry...you know, this just doesn't work when you know you're guilty. How the hell does George W. Bush do it?

Well, if anyone likes him, feel free to fish him out of the Cougar pit. If not...the video will be streaming online shortly.

Posted by: Mike R. at August 29, 2008 3:33 PM

Yeah when I read Mulder was addicted to Sex i did have to think...welll, you're hot. Of course you get laid A LOT, why wouldn't you grow to really really, really really really like it.
Like, a lot.
I'm all for jumping on the 'Cure Duchovony of Sex Addiction Band Wagon'
we'll take that 'caught smoking' approach, ya know, when a parent finds the kid smoking and makes them smoke the whole box so they never want to do it again...

But...you know ....with sex.
Sex with Mulder.

Posted by: Nadine at August 29, 2008 3:36 PM

Correction duly noted Jay, mama-san or baby-san it really doesn't matter. The motherfucker wasn't getting no ass at home. Mike R, you are a bad person, your attacks on Mr. Perry will be dealt with, severely.

Posted by: Pookie at August 29, 2008 3:42 PM

Pookie...very well then. You may take a run at me, but watch out for the obscenely large puddle of A-1 sauce. I hope you like cougars, and I'm not talking about the Susan Sarandon variety.

Posted by: Mike R. at August 29, 2008 3:45 PM

Hey gang! Michael Bay here!

Hope all of you are excited for the upcoming weekend! I know I am! I'm actually meeting with some people to discuss an adaptation of The Professional - should be electric! We're gonna update it, with a Meet The Focker's twist - Leon (c'mon, you didn't really think he was dead did you?) meets Matilda's family! Huh? Get your tickets now, gang - come next summer, the theaters are gonna be "Professionally" packed!

On a side note... TYLER PERRY, YOU STAY RIGHT THE GODDANGED HELL AWAY FROM MY PAJIBEERS! YOU DON'T BELONG HERE YOU CREEPY LOOKING SON OF A BITCH! THIS IS MY GODDAMED HOUSE, DO YOU HEAR ME! I WILL CUT YOUR PRETTY FACE ALL TO BITS IF YOU COME SNIFFING AROUND MY TURF, PERRY! YOU JUST STAY THE HOLY CRAPPING HELL AWAY YOU BASTARD PIECE OF CRAP!

This is Michael Bay, signing off!

Posted by: Michael Bay at August 29, 2008 3:46 PM

Kathy Bates is in "Tyler Perry's The Family Who Preys." Can that redeem it at all?

Posted by: Brianne at August 29, 2008 3:48 PM

Somewhere buried in Dustin's rant there must be a review. I don't know--I was laughing too hard to find it.

Posted by: NeoCleo at August 29, 2008 3:51 PM

This proves my theory that "Americans" (note: I shall now refer to them as Unitedstatians) are drunk in self-importance. Not all of them, mind you, but the ones who have the power and the money to make something like this "movie" and shows like "The Hills" and "My Super Sweet 16" (which MTV tried to redeem by sending the brattiest girls to a third world country in "Exile" to try an re-educate them, only to make them realize money is truly the most important thing in the world). And where does the ego that leads them to think they can get away with making such movies and shows come from? That's easy: referring to themselves as Americans.

See, the United States of America is one of those countries whose name doesn't really mean anything - it's just a description. My country doesn't have states, it has regions, so the correct description for my country is The United Regions of America. We like to call it Chile. Since people from the USA (Unitedstatians) can't really refer to themselves as "people from the United States of America", they've decided to take an entire continent to identify themselves with. The Americans were born. Heck, even presidents go on and on about "America this, America that," urging Michael Bay to use the words "But America grew stronger!" in a voice over in Pearl Harbor (ironically, the words were narrated by a British actress -- that's right, I know my Michael Bay stuff). My point is they made a continent a country. That's a mood lifter if you ask me. A continent is big and has lots and lots of cool stuff, while a country is just a country. But when you name your country AFTER a continent you're king of the world.

But ego can come back and bite you in the ass, hence movies like "Disaster Movie" (coincidentally, that's not a name for a movie - It's a description of the plot.)

I enjoy Unitedstatian culture -- what's left of it, at least. I just wish all that self-importance and money-worship came to an end. How can we solve this? We have arrived to the point of this rant:

Rename the country.

It could be a Pajiba diversion... or it could completely redefine the culture and vindicate the countrymen who produced, "wrote", and starred in this piece of steaming shit movie.

Posted by: Sofía at August 29, 2008 3:53 PM

-- I'm naming my first child Vagooter

Posted by: Nadine at August 29, 2008 3:26 PM

So will you call him/her Vag or Cooter for short? Or maybe just call him The Goot.

Posted by: JP at August 29, 2008 3:58 PM

Sir I do not wish to engage you in verbal fisticuffs, I just think your attacks on Mr. Perry were out of line. Why don't you attack those other faggoty ass movie directors. I hope you will join me in striving to remain respectful of other people.

Posted by: Pookie at August 29, 2008 3:59 PM

Hey gang! Bay here... just... continue doing what you were doing...

COME ON, PERRY! YEAH, YOU KNOW I'M READY PUNKFACE! YEAH! GOT MY SHIRT OFF AND EVERYTHING, MAN! HOW YOU WANNA DO THIS, HUH? WE DOIN' CHAINS? KNIVES? WHADDYA GOT, HUH! COME ON, MUSTACHE MAN! YOU GONNA WEAR YOUR MADEA DRESS, HUH? YEAH! IT'S OOOOON!

You get your ass to the alley behind the shoe repair joint, and we're settling, once and for all, who gets Pajamby! It's on! WHOOOOOO!

Posted by: Michael Bay at August 29, 2008 4:02 PM

Pookie, fair enough. Mr. Perry has been retrieved from the Cougar pit. Besides, Mr. Perry needs to fight Mr. Bay for supremacy. Sorry about the A1 sauce. I'll have Andy Dick clean it up right away...right before he's scheduled to feed the cougars.

Posted by: Mike R. at August 29, 2008 4:04 PM

My fellow pajibians, I ask that you join me in denouncing these unwarranted attacks on Mr. Perry. Who will stand with me?

Posted by: Pookie at August 29, 2008 4:11 PM

"...enjoy Unitedstatian culture -- what's left of it, at least. I just wish all that self-importance and money-worship came to an end..."

---------------------------------------

Hmmm, maybe you should bring thaty up at the next Worker's Party meeting...comrade.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at August 29, 2008 4:13 PM

*that

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at August 29, 2008 4:14 PM

Hey, Bay! My email ain't "BlackAttack69@gmail.com" for nothin'! You don't want the smackdown from me OR Madea. Besides, what do you have? You gonna come at me with your brokeassed Transformers with flames on the side? (Flames...you tryin' to say something about yourself, Mikey?) You gonna have your boy Shia try and wreck me? Bitch, I'm in the new Star Trek movie, I'll bust a phaser beam in your ass!

Posted by: Tyler Perry at August 29, 2008 4:15 PM

Mike R, your apology is not excepted. You have impugned the honor of Mr. Perry and have drawn first blood. And now we go to the mattresses!!!

Posted by: Pookie at August 29, 2008 4:18 PM

I was so hoping Dustin would get this one...Thanks for taking one for the team.

Posted by: jayco at August 29, 2008 4:19 PM

Pookie, I'm feeding Andy Dick to the cougars, not Tyler Perry. He's alive and well. Turns out, he speaks cougar fluently.

Posted by: Mike R. at August 29, 2008 4:22 PM

Hey gang! Bay here...

TRANSFORMERS KICKED ASS, PERRY! YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE? MY FIST IN YOUR EYEBALL, MISTER MOUSTACHE!

C'mon now, gang - a couple of you need to get down here - I'll need one of you to tie our wrists together, one of you to keep the sweat out of my eyes, and one of you to dial nine-one-one after I lay the smack down! LET'S GO B-B-B-BABY! WHOOOOO! SMELL WHAT THE BAYSTER'S FRYING UP!

Posted by: Michael Bay at August 29, 2008 4:26 PM

oh she'll be Vag all the time lil Vaggie

Posted by: nadine at August 29, 2008 4:26 PM

Dear Barbado Slim,

I will say this delicately, as not to make you feel guilty for calling me a communist.

Communists and a certain radical group actually murdered one of my family members, so I do not take lightly to being called "comrade", particularly when it's based on an easy assumption. But it's okay; you didn't know. Just don't assume that someone who says "I just wish all that self-importance and money-worship came to an end" is a communist.

Thank you and have a nice weekend.

Posted by: Sofía at August 29, 2008 4:32 PM

This sounds like my kind of movie. What do you think Che?

Posted by: Dave at August 29, 2008 1:36 PM

I think I don't know your taste quite well enough to weigh in on that, Dave. I'll be more than happy to comment on your review, though!

Posted by: Che Grovera at August 29, 2008 4:32 PM

You are all a bunch of nuts. Have a great weekend. Be safe. Don't change for anybody. Hugs and kisses, bitches...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at August 29, 2008 4:45 PM

Rather than make these godawful films any more they should just, when they get the urge, show Airplane! and Blazing Saddles in all the cinemas instead and Robin Hood: Men In Tights.

Don't forget Spaceballs.

"I can see that your Schwartz is as big as mine. Let's see how well you use it."

Posted by: Three-nineteen at August 29, 2008 4:47 PM

Umm...I'm sorry, Pookie...I love you and respect you, friend...but fuck Tyler Perry. He and Bay and Boll and Haggis and the simpering grinning dimwits who direct and write these movies need to be launched into space with one cracker and one axe.

I personally consider myself an American just because of habit. But you have to consider that the United States is also the youngest superpower in history. We've pretty much won the right to call ourselves whatever the fuck we want to call ourselves. We could call ourselves "The Greats" and get away with it. Yeah, people would hate us and accuse us of being arrogant and self-involved...oh wait...they do that already.

I vote for "The Greats". Or Pajibians. Or "Panda Rapers" That rolls off the tongue so eloquently...just like they do...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at August 29, 2008 4:53 PM

Does this mean that communist is the new retard?

I really could have sworn that this movie already existed. We are in 2008, right?

And I will happily be the one to explain to David Duchovny, in long, slow detail, that wanting to fuck is normal.

Posted by: katy at August 29, 2008 4:54 PM

Awesome review...I wonder if someday we will stop seeing this crap

Posted by: Radlum at August 29, 2008 4:58 PM

This review reminded me of possible the best album review by an internet site: Pitchfork's review of Jet, Shine On.

Posted by: Frank at August 29, 2008 2:25 PM

Frank, thank you for that laugh! I have to remember to get back to Pitchfork more often -- I just love Resonant Frequency whenever I read it.

Posted by: Che Grovera at August 29, 2008 4:58 PM

Three-nineteen, you're damn right

Posted by: Nadine at August 29, 2008 4:59 PM

Posted by: Sofía at August 29, 2008 4:32 PM

Aaaah, sorry about your loss, but how the fuck was I supposed to know about that?

Context people, this a movie/snarking site not a fucking therapy group.

That's why, on the web, I keep my personal shit ...personal.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at August 29, 2008 5:15 PM

I know it's not a therapy group. I just wanted to make sure you didn't make assumptions about people you don't know. Because that's as personal as you get in a very superficial way.

And I really wanna stop this 'cause it's pointless and you clearly didn't get that I was being ironic on my first rant, which depresses me, because I was hoping to make a career in writing and now I'm back to square one. Maybe I should become a communist. Then I'd be able to say "Hi, I'm a communist" instead of "Hi, I'm *not* a writer."

Posted by: Sofía at August 29, 2008 5:20 PM

Wow, cranky. I could be a reviewer on here.

Posted by: snapnhiss at August 29, 2008 5:25 PM

So now he is pulling a "Wade Boogs" as its known in the circle. What is the "circle", you ask. Its like my favorite five, but we use Alltel. Me, David, Wade, Charlie Sheen, and Charles in Charge.

Posted by: JP at August 29, 2008 3:18 PM

I've already said everything I care to say about Mulder's sexcapades -- except that I'm ~~jealous~~surprised at how many ladies want to be part of the ~~problem~~solution.

Duchovny, Boggs, Sheen and Baio, huh? Sounds like you're trying to cast the next generation of Barney Miller.

Posted by: Che Grovera at August 29, 2008 5:27 PM

This IS A MOVIE FUN SITE, I refuse to change how I post because of the off-chance that someone might get offended.

I don't bring my personal tragedies here.

I keep them to myself and move on.

Because THAT is the WORST kind of poosey assed PC'ism.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at August 29, 2008 5:28 PM

Bay, Transformers is like Speed Racer on crack...makes no sense, and nobody liked it sober. However, Tyler Perry's Diary of a Mad Black Woman set the standard for mediocre February releas...I mean films about strong assed black women. And yes, it had Madea, who makes Optimus Prime look like the skinny kid in gym class. Once she takes her earrings off...best be out of the room.

Oh, and put your shirt back on, no one wants to see your "awesome" manboobage, fool.

Posted by: Tyler Perry at August 29, 2008 5:35 PM

--Duchovny, Boggs, Sheen and Baio, huh? Sounds like you're trying to cast the next generation of Barney Miller.

Posted by: Che Grovera at August 29, 2008 5:27 PM

Actually, I'm in the process of casting Major League 9: The Story of the '86 Mets. I'm still in negotiations with President Palmer to reprise his role, but that All-State gig has really jacked-up his price. I'm thinking Duchovney can play Ron Darling.

Posted by: JP at August 29, 2008 5:41 PM

Che Grovera

I understand your ~~jealousy~~bewilderment. I for one will never understand the appeal of Scarlett Dead-Eyes Johansson. It's almost as if Ryan Reynolds is humping her just to spite me, because what other reason could there possibly be?? What does she have that I don't, RyRey!?!

Why don't you love ME like I love YOU and why don't you care THAT I'M CAPS LOCKED AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!!??

What? Oh yeah. Because Duchovny's hot and the thought of him being addicted to my vagooter is AWESOME.

Posted by: Mella at August 29, 2008 5:43 PM

"Love me. Hold me. Validate me. Boo hoo. I'm vulnerable. I was forced to eat meat as a child."

Choke on a gallon of diarrhea and die.

Happy Holidays everyone :)

Posted by: JP at August 29, 2008 5:44 PM

Barbado Slim,

If you're a guy: we'd have AWESOME sex.
If you're a girl: we'd exfoliate the shit off each other.

Only if you're legal.

Posted by: Sofía at August 29, 2008 5:46 PM

OK, JP, I'm down with that. Clearly, Boggs plays himself. Where does Baio fit in?

Posted by: Che Grovera at August 29, 2008 5:47 PM

Fuck you, ~~Scary Movie~~ Disaster Movie. I refuse to write a real comment in the discussion area of the non-review of this bullshit movie.

Posted by: Maryscott O'Connor at August 29, 2008 5:52 PM

One more thing:

You were right, Barbado Slim. I shouldn't have mentioned something personal. Your comment hit a nerve, that's all. Sorry.

Posted by: Sofía at August 29, 2008 5:54 PM

Haaaaa.

What I don't get about these crapfests is why they're like, lampooning the wrong things. This is called "Disaster Film", so shouldn't there be references to "Twister" and "Dante's Peak" and "The Poseiden Adventure", instead of "Enchanted" and "Juno"?? It's like whoever writes these things really doesn't comprehend the concept of satire.

Posted by: june at August 29, 2008 5:58 PM

You were right, Barbado Slim. I shouldn't have mentioned something personal. Your comment hit a nerve, that's all. Sorry.

Posted by: Sofía at August 29, 2008 5:54 PM

And another one falls victim to his spell. I swear, Slim, you are like the virtual incarnation of Kaa from Jungle Book...

Posted by: Che Grovera at August 29, 2008 6:07 PM

And another one falls victim to his spell. I swear, Slim, you are like the virtual incarnation of Kaa from Jungle Book...

Posted by: Che Grovera at August 29, 2008 6:07 PM

I know, right?

Posted by: Sofía at August 29, 2008 6:11 PM

BSlim, your problem is that you used the wrong c-word.

Posted by: Pookie at August 29, 2008 6:14 PM

If there is any justice to be had in Creation, then Hell exists and there is an Infernal Realm waiting for the creators of these films where they will spend the rest of eternity reenacting the unfilmed scene from Seven, in the role of the prostitute/victim of Lust. Fuck this film, fuck every incarnation of this film that has come before, and film every incarnation of this film that is inevitably yet to come thanks to idiot teens who need a place to make out. Most of all, fuck everyone associated with these films with a blade-tipped dildo.

Posted by: David at August 29, 2008 6:22 PM

Fuck you, ~~Scary Movie~~ Disaster Movie. I refuse to write a real comment in the discussion area of the non-review of this bullshit movie.

Posted by: Maryscott O'Connor at August 29, 2008 5:52 PM

Awww, Maryscott. Still smarting from McnovoCain managing to muffle some of Barack's thunder? Do you need a virtual Androcles to remove that thorn from your craw?

Posted by: Che Grovera at August 29, 2008 6:22 PM

Which is to say, I don't see myself watching this flick.

Posted by: David at August 29, 2008 6:23 PM

Hey! Hi, everyone! Thanks for your warm wishes.

I just thought I'd mention that I'm totally over that whole addiction thing. In fact, I'm actually at a sex deficit currently, and my doctors have recommended that I take 5,000mg of sex three times daily until my, um, electrolytes get back to their optimal levels and my, uh mitichlorian count is down to normal.

Soooo, just thought I'd let everyone know that thr truth isn't the only thing out there, if you know what I mean...

I mean my penis. My penis is totally out there. I've got it out and I'm swiveling my hips to make it swing counterclockwise. Haha! Check it out, it's like a helicopter!!

Who wants some?

Posted by: David Duchovny at August 29, 2008 6:25 PM

Let me just say this, this website is for bitchy people with even bitchier attitudes. This ain't no motherfucking green peace, children of the night, or no motherfucking Ronald McDonald house, this site does not lend itself to people with thin skin. If you're going to come on this site and comment, know only one thing, you are rolling with the Rough Riders and we will not hesitate to bust cap in yo ass.

Posted by: Pookie at August 29, 2008 6:32 PM

Che, I was thinking that since The Baio clearly has the acting range of Downey Jr. he could play Dwight Gooden. Sheen will reprise his role from the original movie, of course. Based on his work on Seinfeld I think Keith Hernandez could play himself. And he is deserving of induction in the sexaholic club.

By the way, would there be a better sports movie than the '86 Mets?

"The New York Mets of that summer were, collectively, and with very few exceptions, drunkards without peer. They were also about as talented a team of ball players as has ever prowled the diamond.

Opponents called them "arrogant," "insufferable," and "a bunch of assholes." Over the course of that storied season, they were involved in four bench-clearing fights--not light rounds of pushing and posturing, but full-bore mob scenes, complete with blood, torn clothing, and dark intentions. Angry moral posturers shrieked when several players lit cigarettes in the dugout, and when many more took the field with noticeable hangovers. Pitcher Bobby Ojeda summed up the team when he said: "We were throwbacks. We were like, 'Gimme a steak, gimme a fuckin' beer, gimme a smoke, and get the fuck out of our way.'"

Ron Darling was known to sleep with the wives and girlfriends of opponents DURING GAMES in the clubhouse. The team was full of coke-heads. Good times.

Posted by: JP at August 29, 2008 6:35 PM

Che, my sweet, sweet revolutionary muppet vibrator substitute...

The only thing McSame could do to muffle Obama's thunder would involve a McCoronary and a McCasket. The day AFTER Obama's Inauguration.

And don't you DARE remove that thorn from my craw -- I'm not done with it yet.

Posted by: Maryscott O'Connor at August 29, 2008 6:36 PM

Who wants some?

Posted by: David Duchovny at August 29, 2008 6:25 PM

Hey, David...I hear Michael needs a new "personal ass-istant" while filming Transformers 2. Don't worry about roughin' him up, he takes it like a champ. (Or did you already forget Pearl Harbor and The Island?)

Posted by: Tyler "Muthafukin" Perry at August 29, 2008 6:44 PM

Hi,

Did everyone...and I mean everyone...smoke some meth before they posted on this thread today? I know it's Friday but damn you people are off the chain today.

And when I use the term "you people" I mean it in the most offensive way possible. I'm talking about Communists, Libertarians, Retards and Sex Addicts.

Reading through this thread is like walking into an impromptu family reunion where everyone is drunk off their ass and bearing a grudge and possibly a deadly weapon.

*sniff*

I have never felt closer to you people than I do right now.

Posted by: greer at August 29, 2008 6:58 PM

JP,

I immediately want to start a petition to get the '86 Mets Team story made into a movie, based on your comment alone. I have vague memories of that time, but I do remember they were notorious for not getting along, and this could be the greatest baseball movie since 'Eight Men Out'.

Dude (or Dudess), you just gave the perfect pitch- get this story of yours to someone who can make it happen; but, I know, easier said than done.

Great post nonetheless.

Posted by: TMax at August 29, 2008 7:30 PM

greer

C'mere. Mama wants a kiss.

Posted by: Maryscott O'Connor at August 29, 2008 7:31 PM

Dustin I have to ask, did you draw the short for 2008? I mean have you reviewed five movies that you like? Granted I love you worked into a froth but after awhile you will become an ineffective father damning your child to the same fate.

BTW is this worse than John Tucker Must Die?
Just curious.

Posted by: richmac at August 29, 2008 7:36 PM

TMax. Thanks for the props. I didn't even get to the story where Kevin Mitchell took Dwight Gooden hostage and cut off a cat's head.

Posted by: JP (a dude) at August 29, 2008 8:33 PM

I posted my question to Che before I read his response to me in another thread. I wouldn't see this movie if you told me I had to see it or you would waterboard me and then shock my balls until they fell off. I might go to a theater and try to convince anyone who wants to see this movie to just go see TDK, or really anything else out right now.

Posted by: Dave at August 29, 2008 8:54 PM

Oh, I see what you did there...
/rides away on Segway, dejected.

Posted by: PR at August 29, 2008 11:32 PM

Is there any way to ensure that the 2 assclowns who make all the "movie" movies die a horrible death?

There's a hurricane coming into the Gulf....can we not just put them in a boat without a paddle and drop them there?

Because the damage they are doing to the American psyche will not be easily remedied. Somehow we've accepted that a reminder of a joke is just as funny as a real joke. Their movies are just set-ups without true punchlines. Like foreplay without the sex.

And that's just un-American.

Posted by: BFFredo at August 30, 2008 9:21 AM

Well, it's this, or Babylon A.D...
Posted by: monitorman at August 29, 2008 1:56 PM

You mean you're NOT totally looking forward to Vin Diesel's epic return? OMG....oh fuck it. I was going to be all fake and energetic, but I just don't have it in me. I personally watch Vin Diesel as porn most of the time. (TRUE STORY- My mother said "corn" the same exact time I typed "porn" and totally messed up my train of thought, I went all wide-eyed and..."Did you just say...Corn?" "Yeah" "Okay then.")

Anyway, porn. Yeah. Just listen to him rumble...

"Are you a killer, Mr. Toorop?"
"Yes, now get in the truck."

OMFG, THROW ME IN THE TRUCK!

Posted by: Jaci at August 30, 2008 10:21 AM

I did not get to read any of this yesterday. I missed alot, apparently.

Am I too late to get on that fucking David Duchovny train? Because if it helps with his.. problem... he could also fuck me until the end of the world.

Oh, Stupid Movie. Right. Topic. ... got nothin'.

p.s. Jaci, totally with you on the VinPorn. Hot. I have watched Pitch Black over and over.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at August 30, 2008 10:33 AM

Don't push them. There are genres they haven't spoofed. I, for one, am not looking forward to 'Atrocity Film,' in which 'Schindler's List' and 'Hotel Rwanda' are thrust upon us in bad parody form. Expect lots of dysentery jokes.

'19th Century Classic Adaption'...'Poignant Cancer Movie'...don't egg them on, please.

Posted by: LENORE at August 30, 2008 12:33 PM

This sounds like my kind of movie. What do you think Che?

Posted by: Dave at August 29, 2008 1:36 PM

I think I don't know your taste quite well enough to weigh in on that, Dave. I'll be more than happy to comment on your review, though!

Posted by: Che Grovera at August 29, 2008 4:32 PM

Posted by: Dave at August 29, 2008 8:54 PM

Well, I guess that would make my unqualified answer "no". I'm going to crawl to the edge of the limb and guess that you think Dustin's review is too soft, then...

Posted by: Che Grovera at August 30, 2008 1:40 PM

So... not worth watching?

Posted by: piedlourde at August 30, 2008 3:39 PM

I think that whatever damned studio keeps cranking out these films must constantly be making them, as in they never stop, and throw in appropriate cultural references as needed. Assembly-line crap. And like "College," these movies will keep getting made, world without end, amen.

Posted by: Noelegy at August 30, 2008 4:01 PM

Dustin's review, as usual was pretty spot on. Though I'm not sure you can be too harsh in criticizing these types of movies.

Posted by: Dave at August 30, 2008 5:34 PM

Awesome.

Posted by: monkey_b at August 30, 2008 7:52 PM

Would have been funnier to have the same comments as 'Date Movie' affixed to this review.

Posted by: Alex the not so Odd. at August 31, 2008 8:22 AM

Che, my sweet, sweet revolutionary muppet vibrator substitute...

The only thing McSame could do to muffle Obama's thunder would involve a McCoronary and a McCasket. The day AFTER Obama's Inauguration.

And don't you DARE remove that thorn from my craw -- I'm not done with it yet.

Posted by: Maryscott O'Connor at August 29, 2008 6:36 PM

MO'C, my Sybaritic hyperagitated left-wing compartriot, may your craw remain permanently inflamed while in my damp fuzzy blue care.

How does your bite compare to your considerable bark?

Posted by: Che Grovera at August 31, 2008 12:37 PM

club you with a baby seal

Now that's entertainment! Can I get 2 hours of that, instead of another fucking Movie movie?

Posted by: lordhelmet at August 31, 2008 4:10 PM

Nah, nah, the real money is in clubbing baby Pandas WITH baby seals...that have already been clubbed, with...puppies.

golden retriever puppies.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at August 31, 2008 4:38 PM

But baby pandas are so sweet and innocent. And with only a small amount of bamboo, you can totally coerce them into the back of your van. So I've read... in uh... National Geographic.

Posted by: jM at August 31, 2008 10:22 PM

I'd make love to this review.

Very well said.

Posted by: Joe at September 1, 2008 1:37 AM

Che, lemme put it this way...

Remember that scene in the Shawshank projection room?

Posted by: Maryscott O'Connor at September 1, 2008 2:05 AM

Point made. Interesting example, MO'C. Not a big Shawshank fan, but as I remember it Tim Robbins got in a few licks of his own before the pummeling (presuming I have his role here). Remind me again who ultimately prevailed in that little pseudo-morality play?

I may have to start referring to you as Sister Maryscott O'Connor in honor of your self-acclaimed Shawshank-esque pugilistic prowess...

Posted by: Che Grovera at September 1, 2008 10:49 AM

I'm actually curious as to how terrible an actress Kim Kardashian is, and if I can stand it while I beat off.

Posted by: Tony at September 2, 2008 8:03 PM

I'm actually curious as to how terrible an actress Kim Kardashian is, and if I can stand it while I beat off.

Posted by: Tony at September 2, 2008 8:03 PM

Don't worry about the hair on your palms when you're done, Tony. That will be from the radiation emanating from that tumor on her backside...

Posted by: Che Grovera at September 2, 2008 8:09 PM

Ummm... that would be a 'no' from Dustin then?

I was going to go see it until Amy Winehouse face comment. Jeez, couldn't you have simply said that in the beginning so I would have known how you felt about this movie right away instead of waiting to the end?

Posted by: HelloNNNewman at September 3, 2008 3:01 AM

How about we lay off the parodies for a while so we can build up some new material in the collective consciousness that hasn't been squeezed like an empty tube of toothpaste and THEN we can consider parodying it. Everything has been parodied. We're done for this decade at least. They're turning satire into the country music of genres.

Posted by: Eep at September 5, 2008 6:50 AM

The only reason I watched this was because I bought this ticket just so I can jump to the movie Tropic Thunder. Unfortunately, the woman receiving the tickets asked me, "Sir, you are going in the wrong direction".

I almost cried.

I watched the movie. I didn't even laugh, smirk, smile, grin, go "Hah" in my head.

I fell asleep to this movie faster than Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer or whatever it's called.

Posted by: Will kill self on Webcam at December 16, 2008 6:57 PM

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