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Bring on the End Times. Now!

College Road Trip / Dustin Rowles

Film Reviews | March 10, 2008 | Comments (228)

Why would God even invent movies?! Why! Why! Why! (*pout pout pout*) The Supreme Being is one mighty sick fuck — if he is all powerful, would somebody please explain to me why he’d use that power to create a medium for which Satan’s minions could mentally torture us en masse. Donny Osmond and Martin Lawrence — in the same movie! This is Adam’s fault, isn’t it? That motherfucker bit the apple, and this how God punishes us. Christ on a Thorny Dildo! Throw me into eternity’s bonfire and stick a spiked poker up my ass; make me gargle a volcano’s ejaculate; force me to watch “The View” on endless repeat (the Rosie O’Donnel version, even) just don’t ever make me experience College Road Trip again. I need a brain douche; squirt some boiling vinegar and antiseptic into my ear; inject Scrub n’ Bubbles through my nasal cavity, anything, God anything to cleanse my mind of what I’ve just witnessed.

I don’t think I’ve quite captured my hatred for College Road Trip. I don’t think there are enough synonyms for hate in the thesaurus (loathe and execrate are powerlessly weak up against the force of my indescribable disdain). I feel as though I’ve just had my urethra jerked out and pulled over my face. Granted, I am a critic who is given the hyperbole on occasion, but I like to think that that relative to others in my profession, I’m spare with superlatives. But, I’ve seen an incredible amount of family films; both me and my alter ego have reviewed most of Martin Lawrence’s movies over the past four years (sure, I didn’t actually watch one of them), and I can safely say: This is not only the worst Lawrence film I’ve suffered through, but it may be the worst family film I’ve ever suffered through in my whole goddamn increasingly miserable life — College Road Trip actually made me long for the simple atrociousness of Ice Cube, Vin Diesel, Tim Allen, and Eddie Murphy family flicks; at least with those, I could articulate my contempt. But this … this abomination … this monstrosity … this aborted love child of Godzilla and a skyscraper of excrement was just …

I need to be held. That’s all I’m saying. I need a long warm bubble bath and a good cry. Maybe some of that aromatherapy and some hot stones I can lie on and then, afterwards, pick up and motherfucking brain Martin Lawrence with. Has anyone actually seen that guy lately? His jowls are swollen or something — I didn’t think it was possible, but I think that maybe his frontal lobe is trying to detach itself and escape through his mouth. It’s almost there, too — run little lobe, run.

Anyway, Melanie Porter (Raven-Symone — can someone please explain her popularity?) is a high-school senior set to go to Northwestern and make a happy man out of her Chicago-based psychotically overprotective father, James (Lawrence) (think Tony Danza in She’s Out of Control and ratchet up the levels of annoying by a zoogle). However, after Melanie (inexplicably pronounced Melo-dee by Lawrence) gets the Big Bad Wolf off on a technicality in her school’s mock trial (apparently, Granny’s house should’ve been built to withstand his puffs), the judge in the case gets her an interview at her dream school, Georgetown — 700 miles away. So, guess what, kids? Dad decides to drive her himself, discovering shortly into the trip that his Aspergerish son and his chess-playing pig were stowed away in his SUV. Torturish, mind-eviscerating shenanigans ensue: The SUV rolls over; the pig, hopped up on coffee beans, crashes a wedding; the family hitches a ride to the bus station with a murderously cruel show-tunes singing father, played by Satan himself, Donny Osmond; they ride to Pittsburgh in a Japanese karaoke bus, where Raven-Symone sings “Double Dutch Bus”; James is jailed after being discovered hiding under the bed at a sorority house; hugs are spread around like the Agranulocytosis; and worst of all, everyone fucking lives.

There are no real jokes in College Road Trip; there’s nothing much resembling a plot, either; and the situational contrivances that makes up the majority of the film are sternum shatteringly painful. Mostly, College Road Trip involves nearly 90 minutes of Lawrence and Raven-Symone mugging, eye-bugging, and speaking in exaggerated voices, like a Disney version of Sean Penn Theater. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why College Road Trip was Rated G, considering that it inspires more violence than a thousand Quentin Tarantino films would. There was a study a few months ago, in fact, that showed that “violent films prevent violent crime by attracting would-be assailants and keeping them cloistered in darkened, alcohol-free environs.” College Road Trip is sure to have just the opposite effect, fostering in its audience a ferocious, near unquenchable bloodthirst that can only be snuffed out by actual human sacrifice, preferably of those involved in the making of this film, though anyone sharing a likeness would certainly do.

To make matters worse, the screening I attended was actually part of one of those grade-school birthday parties you often see advertised before the trailers, though I never knew that anyone actually paid good money to have seats rented out in a half-empty theater. I just want to take a moment to say “Brittany,” whoever you are: Happy Birthday. I’m sure that your parents love you very much and that they are very well-intentioned people. In time, I hope you’ll forgive them for this. The loss of actual brain mass and the psychic trauma that you suffered (not to mention the embarrassment of having it inflicted upon your friends as well) may very well keep you out of your own dream school, dashing your hopes of becoming an astronaut or a neurosurgeon and, perhaps, starting you on your way toward a life of drugs and prostitution, but you can’t hold this against your folks forever. The sooner you let go, Brittany, the sooner the emotional wounds will heal. You may never be the same again, but hopefully, someday, you’ll be able to resume something akin to a normal life. Be well, Brittany. Be well.

Dustin Rowles is the publisher of Pajiba. He lives with his wife and son in Ithaca, New York. He does not believe in spankings, though he might reconsider if he caught his son watching a Martin Lawrence film. You may email him, or leave a comment below.


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Comments

Oh Dustin, why do you do this to yourself?

Posted by: Jim at March 10, 2008 8:43 AM

After so many years aren't you running out of vitriol yet? Poor Dustin, I don't whether to pity or applaud you.

Posted by: Adere at March 10, 2008 9:02 AM

*don't know whether*

:/

Posted by: Adere at March 10, 2008 9:04 AM

When did the Big Bad Wolf try to blow down Granny's house?

Posted by: Todd at March 10, 2008 9:12 AM

chess-playing pig?

Posted by: Ros at March 10, 2008 9:13 AM

Dustin, you are a gentleman and a scholar. Take comfort in the fact that it's almost time for the good movies to start showing again. If it helps, imagine Indiana Jones getting into a fist fight with Martin Lawrence.

Posted by: Mike R. at March 10, 2008 9:14 AM

Todd - The Big Bad Wolf tried to blow Granny's house down because the town he lives in was too cheap to build a rec center, so he turned to a life of crime, hung out with the wrong types of wolves, and started knocking off pensioners for their savings. Oh...he was supposed to attack the Three Little Pigs? Oh...

Posted by: Mike R at March 10, 2008 9:17 AM

"Run, little lobe, run!"

*giggle-snort*

LOVE!

Posted by: Craig at March 10, 2008 9:19 AM

Ugh. The popularity of Raven Symone is brought to you by the same folks responsible for the Miley Cyrus phenomenon: the Disney Channel - the gift that keeps on lowering the common denominator of children's entertainment. The future of our nation, people.

Posted by: LB at March 10, 2008 9:25 AM

Wow...I just spent 15 minutes typing a reaction to this stinkbomb...and then i realized something. This isn't worth my time. Martin Lawrence has already been at the spiked end of my bat. Donnie Osmond has to fuck his sister on a regular basis. And Raven Symone...go away. I'm tired of my niece staring at your shitty TV show wondering why there is a laugh track and then feeling stupid because she didn't get the 'joke' that was just executed on screen. You know...last week I thought my niece was a fucking idiot. Now I realize you make her stupid. You are about as talented now as you were on the Cosby Show...a young girl slightly less prone to shitting in her jumper while delivering a line. Where was that 'nice man' in the van giving out 'free candy' if you'd have helped him find his 'lost puppy' when we needed him. He's about 15 years too late.

I would rather have my eyelids cut off and then eat a handfull of sleeping pills then watch this shit. I would rather have someone slice off my kneecaps and make me kneel in a puddle of staircase piss. Why could you have been in the SUV when it rolled? Fuck this shit...it's not worth typing anymore. I'm gonna go color.

Posted by: PissBoy at March 10, 2008 9:34 AM

Amazing review (I second the love for "run little lobe, run", possibly the best-expressed sentiment ever on a Pajiba review), it's as if all of Dustin's critical appraisal skills became psychically entwined with PissBoy's unresolved anger and TK's latent need to kill. I am a little afraid.

Also, please don't hate me for pointing out that agranulocytosis doesn't actually spread from person to person: it's not contagious. It is developed as a sequelae to some infectious diseases such as mono and as a side effect of many drug regimens.

Posted by: PaddyDog at March 10, 2008 9:39 AM

Melanie (inexplicably pronounced Melo-dee by Lawrence)

As someone with this name, I am offended when people are too damned lazy to pronounce it right. They are NOT the same thing!

Anywho, Disney version of Sean Penn Theater? Isn't that an insult to Sean Penn?

Posted by: Melody at March 10, 2008 9:41 AM

One of the lesser known crimes of the LDS church is that you are morally obligated to like the Osmonds simply because they are Mormon. And my mother wonders why I left.

Posted by: Megan at March 10, 2008 9:44 AM

I have to profess my undying love for the Irish T-shirt model...I'm struck dumb by such natural beauty from the land of my forebears.....huh, what's that? College Road Trip?....yeah yeah, looks good, I agree with Dustin..............the pipes the pipes are calling.........................

Posted by: sansho1 at March 10, 2008 9:44 AM

Why you didn't assign this to one of your minions is beyond me.

This is why I have no sympathy. I think you secretly enjoy it, you sick bastard. I'm calling you out on this, buddy.

Posted by: TK at March 10, 2008 9:50 AM

Sansho1: Glad I'm not the only one who stares transfixed at that trouser-tenting picture of loveliness for probably about as long as I spend reading the reviews. As for this movie? I already made the decision long ago that I'd much rather repeatedly slam my testicles in a desk drawer than put myself through another Martin Lawrence movie that didn't include documentary footage of the man himself being torn apart by rabid wolverines.

Posted by: Dill The Devil at March 10, 2008 9:53 AM

I feel as though I've just had my urethra jerked out and pulled over my face. BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I'm not laughing at your pain, just your hyperbole. It's delightful. And I feel the need to say that I love Raven-Symone. This may be because I've never watched anything that primarily features her, aside from "That's So Raven" with a little Saturday-morning Cheerio action. Come on. You know you do it too, folks.

Posted by: shyestviolet at March 10, 2008 10:03 AM

Maintaining my streak as a Martin Lawrence virgin. Refusing to pop that cherry. Thanks Dustin for keeping me chaste.

Posted by: wsapnin at March 10, 2008 10:04 AM

Who'd have thought that the semi-cute, semi-annoying 3-year-old from The Cosby Show and Sheneneh would still be getting work all these years later?

Posted by: Kolby at March 10, 2008 10:05 AM

I may be alone on this, but I thought Raven Symone was even annoying on the Cosby Show. When Rudy and her friends were teeny-tiny, they were a lot more fun to watch than Olivia ever was. I looooved Rudy's chubby friend Peter. Kenny too.

Posted by: tt_marie at March 10, 2008 10:22 AM

sansho1- yeah, the more I look at her, the more I think she looks like Alyson Hannigan--before she went brunette.

Posted by: tamatha at March 10, 2008 10:30 AM

First the New York Times, now you. I'm glad this movie is getting all the hate it deserves. Patriarchal bullcrap.

Posted by: Genevieve at March 10, 2008 10:35 AM

Also re: Raven Symone - how old is this girl? She looks like she's 30.

Posted by: tt_marie at March 10, 2008 10:36 AM

"I'm sure that your parents love you very much and that they are very well-intentioned people. In time, I hope you'll forgive them for this."

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I think this may have been the funniest part of the review. I didn't even consider watching this pile of filth wrapped in a burrito wrapped in a pile of filth....but I was looking forward to reading the review of it. As always, Dustin, you don't disappoint. Although I seriously think you should space out these kinds of watchings...like several weeks apart, so you have a chance to recover.

And shyestviolet, I identify with your Raven love....but it's purely physical. I would never watch anything she was actually in, just in case.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 10, 2008 10:44 AM

tt-marie:

I was thinking the same thing. She looks like the mother of a girl heading to college. There must be some really powerful hormones in the milk they drink in LA.

Posted by: PaddyDog at March 10, 2008 10:45 AM

"sansho1- yeah, the more I look at her, the more I think she looks like Alyson Hannigan--before she went brunette."

1) Willow's hotness dropped ramatically when she changed her hair color...but nothing could compare to starring in Date Movie. I have yet to forgive her for that.

2) That Irish T girl is old-school Willow-hot. Just wanted to add to the love. I'm happy whenever I refresh and can look at her yet again.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 10, 2008 10:56 AM

Best line ever: "I need a brain douche."

I almost snorted tea all over my keyboard when I read that one.

I used to have a crush on Donny Osmond about 40 years ago. I need a brain douche.

Posted by: BWeaves at March 10, 2008 11:05 AM

The Irish girl has more pictures if you track down the female version of that shirt on their website.
So worth it.

I'd see this movie to speak to the Irish I were drunk girl.

I'd see it over and over.

Posted by: Bucko at March 10, 2008 11:07 AM

I'll say this - the Irish may be drunken layabouts with a penchant for sheep buggery, but they do make some hot women.

Whoops. Sorry, some of my father's irrational prejudices snuck in there.

Also, I thought you'd all like to know that the zombie hordes have been dispatched to the Lawrence residence. I am expecting delivery of his (half-eaten) head any moment.

Posted by: TK at March 10, 2008 11:12 AM

Not a joke: It took me several minutes to figure out that the woman on the right in the picture was Raven Symone. I assumed it was an actress tasked to play Martin Lawrence's wife/Raven's mother.

That ain't Raven Symone, that's some lady that ATE Raven Symone.

Posted by: Sirkickyass at March 10, 2008 11:19 AM

But the wee tiny pig is so cute in the tv adverts.

Posted by: Brigette at March 10, 2008 11:29 AM

tt-marie and paddydog -

you guys aren't the only ones to notice how she looks like 15 going on 45. It seems she cultivates this look on purpose as my favorite fashionista's point out at "Go Fug Yourself."

http://gofugyourself.typepad.com/go_fug_yourself/2008/01/fugs-so-raven.html

Posted by: SashaCA2 at March 10, 2008 11:29 AM

Actually, in the picture above, that's not Raven...that's Kim Whitley, the actress tasked to play Raven's mother.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 10, 2008 11:34 AM

In the immortal words of Nelson Muntz:

Ha-Ha!

Posted by: Some Guy at March 10, 2008 11:35 AM

it's as if all of Dustin's critical appraisal skills became psychically entwined with PissBoy's unresolved anger and TK's latent need to kill.

That is a concept too terrifying to comprehend. Me and my hangover just whimpered.

Posted by: Julie at March 10, 2008 11:44 AM

TK's latent need to kill.

That's it. You're next on the list. It appears my father was right about the Irish.

Posted by: TK at March 10, 2008 11:49 AM

T.K.

Actually, the sheep buggery really only developed when we were deported en masse to Van Diemen's Land, and after all, what's a lonely ex-con to do with all that time on his hands.

Posted by: PaddyDog at March 10, 2008 11:49 AM

TK: I always thought sheep buggery was the domain of the Welsh? Hence the old joke:

Q: What do you call a sheep tied to a lamppost in Cardiff?

A: A leisure centre.

Posted by: Dill The Devil at March 10, 2008 11:50 AM

T.K.:

Oh yeah? I'll see you your wussy trained circus zombies and raise you my 800 years of oppression and unparalleled ability to blame others for my country's misery. Anyone care to open a book on this one?

Posted by: PaddyDog at March 10, 2008 11:52 AM

TK's latent need to kill.

That's it. You're next on the list.

TK...you're awesome.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 10, 2008 11:52 AM

Posted by: Spork at March 10, 2008 11:55 AM

TK can't be bargained with. He can't be reasoned with. He doesn't feel pity, or fear, or remorse, and he absolutely will not stop - ever - until you are dead. Or, at the very least, sincerely apologetic about our transgressions.

Posted by: Dill The Devil at March 10, 2008 11:57 AM

Amen, Spork. As long as she just kept her mouth shut...I wouldn't mind keeping her handcuffed to my bed.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 10, 2008 11:58 AM

Aaaaaand...here comes the bondage!

Posted by: Julie at March 10, 2008 11:59 AM

(By the way, awesome picture choices)

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 10, 2008 12:00 PM

TK has a shadowy past and nothing left to lose.

Posted by: Bucko at March 10, 2008 12:01 PM

Hush Julie....you know you're getting a special pair of your own as an engagement present...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 10, 2008 12:01 PM

Raven Symone is about as adorable as a bleeding rectal lesion. She wouldn't be fun to fuck even if she were dressed as a clown and I was able to punch her in the back of the head during.
And her name sounds like she should be wearing clear high-heels, giving my face a titty hug for a dollar, and showing me all the interesting ways in which she can make a Heineken bottle disappear. Except she would be one of the dancers during the free buffet...early evenings on like ...a Wednesday or something. The only thing she's missing is a stab wound or 2.

Posted by: PissBoy at March 10, 2008 12:03 PM

You had to know you were throwing yourself on the grenade before you walked in. I mean, c'mon, you have a movie starring a man who thinks comedy involves dressing in a fat suit and one of Disney's stable of multiracial non-threateningly starlets, sharing billing with a pig and Donny Osmond. Which one were you rooting for?

Posted by: Wednesday at March 10, 2008 12:03 PM

Well I would certainly hope so Shadows, otherwise this will never work.

Posted by: Julie at March 10, 2008 12:04 PM

Which one were you rooting for?

The pig, obviously.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 10, 2008 12:04 PM

...and a giant scar on her chest from 1-too-many C-sections.

Posted by: PissBoy at March 10, 2008 12:05 PM

Hey, speaking of hangovers (not that I have one, because I don't, but you know, it has to do with the general realm of drinking) did anyone else try the French 75 that that the Boozehound recommended?

It is absolutely DELICIOUS! It may be my new favourite drink.

If you didn't try it. You really should. Seriously, go out an buy a lemon and some champagne (I'm assuming you already have gin and water at home) and make one tonight (or this afternoon or right now, whatever).

Posted by: tamatha at March 10, 2008 12:06 PM

So PissBoy, does that mean you like to fuck clowns and stab strippers? Cause...that seems about right. :p

Posted by: Julie at March 10, 2008 12:08 PM

But only if they're cheap strippers...

tamatha, I never got a chance to make the French 75. I'm glad it lives up to the hype...I'm gonna have to do some shopping tonight.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 10, 2008 12:10 PM

I'll see you your wussy trained circus zombies and raise you my 800 years of oppression and unparalleled ability to blame others for my country's misery. Anyone care to open a book on this one?

Oh no! Run, zombie hordes, run from a bunch of pissed off crybabies who are too drunk to stand! eek!

Please.

If I didn't need amusement to make me get through the day, I'd kill you all.

Posted by: TK at March 10, 2008 12:11 PM

So, here I am working on a cute little comment about a lovely, lemony, drink and I have no clue that the thread has taken a dark turn...

Then I post said comment, and it's like I'm in my own little sunny world and I have no idea what the hell happened to the rest of you.

Hmm, perhaps I should find another thread to hang out in? Y'all are starting to freak me out a bit.

Posted by: tamatha at March 10, 2008 12:13 PM

God DAMMIT Tamatha, don't talk about champagne!

:837 mimosas from my sister's bridal shower threaten to come back up:

Gah.

Posted by: Julie at March 10, 2008 12:13 PM

No...I don't like to fuck clowns. But I imagine that to be the ONLY way sex with Raven could be entertaining....THAT and the fact that her name sounds trashy enough that the assumption would be that I wouldn't even have to spit on it.

Posted by: PissBoy at March 10, 2008 12:17 PM

So, here I am working on a cute little comment about a lovely, lemony, drink and I have no clue that the thread has taken a dark turn...

Well of COURSE it did.

:shakes head disapprovingly:

Tamatha, you should know better.

Posted by: Julie at March 10, 2008 12:17 PM

Shadows- It was so tasty, that I had one on both Saturday and Sunday.

Ok, that makes me sound like a teetotaler, which I'm not, I'm just a cheap date, as they say. Though, if there had been any more lemon to go around on Saturday, I would have demanded at least a second one.

Posted by: tamatha at March 10, 2008 12:17 PM

Just to clarify, when I said "I'd kill you all", I meant "you commenters" or "you Pajibites". Not that I'd kill all the Irish, because then I'd have to kill my wife and that would really fuck up Christmas.

Um... as you were.

Posted by: TK at March 10, 2008 12:18 PM

I may be alone on this, but I thought Raven Symone was even annoying on the Cosby Show. When Rudy and her friends were teeny-tiny, they were a lot more fun to watch than Olivia ever was. I looooved Rudy's chubby friend Peter. Kenny too.

tt-marie, she was that awful example of bringing another baby/kid/toddler on a show to keep the ratings up. I hated her. Rudy and Buuuuddddd were always my favorites.

I can't believe this movie was that bad. I figured this would be some sad, harmless version of...any family movie. Personally, I think Road Hogs is worse. William H. Macy trapped in a movie with Travolta & Lawrence beats any crappy college flick.

Posted by: Brie at March 10, 2008 12:18 PM

Pissboy, Spork: You know I appreciate both your contributions to the site, I really do, but come on: Lay off the misogyny, eh? You can hate/love Raven-Symone without all the hateful sexual imagery, eh? We're not WWTDD? Or Filmdrunk. Safe space, y'all. Safe space.

Otherwise, carry on. -- DR

Posted by: Dustin Rowles at March 10, 2008 12:21 PM

If I didn't need amusement to make me get through the day, I'd kill you all.

Even after I gave you that tasty candy bar? Man, talk about ungrateful.

Posted by: Spork at March 10, 2008 12:22 PM

Brie, it's Wild Hogs. I remember because I was forced to watch it this weekend by my family. They said it'd be cute.

I spent most of the movie playing a game on my phone...and still had to contain the nausea. That movie only has a modicum of entertainment if...you know what? Fuck that...it had no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 10, 2008 12:22 PM

TK- you know, I really don't feel like I did anything kill-worthy to you.

Ok, there was that little bit of participation in the teasing about the sweater vest, but that was done in love, of course.

Oh and speaking of sweater vests, here is an example of how I am too involved in Pajiba: Yesterday the Main Squeeze and I were at the mall (I survived, I hate the mall) and he picked out a sweater vest. In addition to admiring how nice it looked on him, part of me was thinking "Hee! TK wears sweater vests. I wonder if he has one in this color?"

Posted by: tamatha at March 10, 2008 12:23 PM

No real misogyny behind my comments...she just has a stripper name. A trashy one at that. Why couldn't she be Christine Pearman? Raven Perman? Symone Pearman? Symone isn't even her last name...which means someone made that conscious decision.

Posted by: PissBoy at March 10, 2008 12:25 PM

THAT and the fact that her name sounds trashy enough that the assumption would be that I wouldn't even have to spit on it.

Oh that's so deliciously evil.

Posted by: Julie at March 10, 2008 12:26 PM

Oh and speaking of sweater vests...

Ha!

Posted by: Julie at March 10, 2008 12:27 PM

"Not that I'd kill all the Irish, because then I'd have to kill my wife and that would really fuck up Christmas."

Aaaaaand, the back-pedaling begins. Do you think that has anything to do with the fact that TK just realized he is but six days away from thousands of drunken Irishmen descending on down town Boston with nothing to do but seek revenge?
Run, run and take your little lap-zombies in their pink frilly outfits with you, before my army helps you to understand what it's like to be a sheep in a very special way.

Posted by: PaddyDog at March 10, 2008 12:31 PM

[looks over at Paddy and impending horde of drunk irishmen...looks to the left at TK and his zombie minions]

Errr...I think I'll chance the zombies...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 10, 2008 12:33 PM

DR, there ain't no hate from me toward her at all. Well, except for her body of "work." But, none directed at that luscious body of hers.

Given all the Javier Bardeen nude lusting around here, I didn't think admitting that I'd like to swim the sheets with Ms. Simone would qualify as anything other than honest lusting.

In the words of one of the greatest movies of all time. Lighten up, Francis.

Ain't nothing wrong with lusting, Spork. But, "ramming the Midnight Meat Train" (as clever as the use of the movie title is) and "making a Heineken bottle disappear" strays from the run-of-the-mill zombie violence we love and cherish around her toward unsavory sexual violence, which is kinda alienating to some folks. Sorry to be a buzzkill. -- DR

Posted by: Spork at March 10, 2008 12:34 PM

Good choice Shadows...at least the zombies will only try to eat you, the drunken Irish will beat you down with guilt trips and sarcastic comments until you've lost the will to live.

At least in my family. :)

Posted by: Julie at March 10, 2008 12:37 PM

Any of you guys call me Francis, I'll kill you.

And PaddyDog, if you think I leave my quiet suburban sanctuary and go downtown on St. Patrick's day, you're off your fucking nut. No way, no how. I am too old for that shit.

Posted by: TK at March 10, 2008 12:38 PM

Personally, I think Martin Lawrence is hilarious and witty. Even better than the vulgar Eddie Murphy, whose comedy acts of the eighties were nothing but an excuse to use foul language. Mr. Lawrence has the unique ability to slip into very complex characters yet have them be surprisingly believable and entertaining.

And Raven Simone has grown up to be a fine young woman with an excellent chance at becoming the next Lucille Ball. Her facial expressions remind me of a young Jim Carey I look forward to seeing her future films (and hopefully an Oscar!!).

I will be going with my friends to see this movie and hopefully, none of the people who frequent this "review" site will be in the theater making your hateful comments. Go watch your "intellectual" and "artsy" movies, and leave the decent family films to those who enjoy laughter and comic situations.

Posted by: Sumixam Sunittiks at March 10, 2008 12:38 PM

Sumixam , IF that's your real name...

I am definitely putting you on the list.

Posted by: TK at March 10, 2008 12:41 PM

I am having great difficulty determining if Sumixam is serious, or extremely sarcastic.

Posted by: Spork at March 10, 2008 12:41 PM

DR, if you think that's the last time I'm going to use that movie title, think again. It's too fucking good to pass up.

So, that was just good ol' lovin' women when we all referred to her as Skank Cancer? Okay. Good to know.

Touche. -- DR

Posted by: Spork at March 10, 2008 12:43 PM

It's Skitt spelled backwards.

Posted by: Julie at March 10, 2008 12:43 PM

:golf claps for Skittimus:

Well-done, sir.

Posted by: PissBoy at March 10, 2008 12:43 PM

Sumixam Sunittiks = Skittimus Maximus backwards...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 10, 2008 12:44 PM

Also, if you've never seen a stripper make a bottle disappear, you ain't seen the best sexual deterrent known to man. It's almost as frightening as a vaginal dentata.

Posted by: Spork at March 10, 2008 12:45 PM

What's the opposite of a godtopus?

Posted by: Julie at March 10, 2008 12:45 PM

Satanaslug... I checked it on Wikipedia, so I know it's true.

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at March 10, 2008 12:47 PM

Thanks for the correction, Shadows. I didn't think any part of it would be enjoyable. My head hurt after watching the trailer for that piece of shit.

Posted by: Brie at March 10, 2008 12:48 PM

And just as Spork defends his movie title, I defend my assertion that she has a stripper name. And as far as making a bottle disappear...I've seen that at too many gentlemen's clubs (thats what they like to call themselves so they feel classy, even if some of the majority of the girls are dancing with a virginia slim dangling from their bottom lips) not to reference it. But now...this topic of discussion will die since i don't want to spoil the magic of that kind of show for anyone who's never seen it. But it is something to behold in a 'Car Crash with bodies strewn about the highway' kind of way.

Posted by: PissBoy at March 10, 2008 12:49 PM

Satanaslug...Skitt. Get on it. If your Godtopus graphic was any indication this will be equally good. Oh...by the by...do you have your graphics in layered pdf format? So that I separate out the grays and blacks into different screens?

Posted by: PissBoy at March 10, 2008 12:51 PM

PissBoy, that would only be impressive if they could do that show with a can of Sapporo.

Posted by: Julie at March 10, 2008 12:54 PM

Vintage Pajiba. Absolutely superb Mr Rowles, you really have outdone yourself on this one. So much so that I felt the need to actually move my fingers to type this comment. Trust me: today, that's the highest praise you can possibly receive.

And with that I return to my corner.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at March 10, 2008 12:55 PM

ok, long-time lurker and occasional commenter

all i'm sayin is this: while I despise Raven and her unfortunate body of work, I do have to say that it's nice that the (downward sprialing) Disney Channel has given a (ridiculous) career to a young woman who is (maybe a little more than) average-sized. much more so than seeing Heidi (f-ing) Montag.

Is all I'm sayin'.

p.s. with enough of those delightful sounding French 75's, i could very easily be a lesbian for abovementioned t-shirt model.

Posted by: Sarah at March 10, 2008 12:57 PM

"And PaddyDog, if you think I leave my quiet suburban sanctuary and go downtown on St. Patrick's day, you're off your fucking nut. No way, no how. I am too old for that shit."


Ah. The bait worked. Now we know where to find you. **Sharpens shillelagh**

Posted by: PaddyDog at March 10, 2008 12:58 PM

Julie:

Are we related?

Posted by: PaddyDog at March 10, 2008 1:00 PM

I've had a helluva morning, which started when I woke up at 4:45am with a migraine and has since gotten much worse. You people with your former child star fetishes and your death lists are helping, but your helping is hurting because laughing on the inside is painful until the sumatriptan kicks in.

Posted by: Sarina at March 10, 2008 1:01 PM

Any of you guys call me Francis, I'll kill you.

Posted by: TK at March 10, 2008 12:38 PM

See, now you are just baiting people.

Paddy, can I join the Irish army? I have Irish on one side of my family and have been known to enjoy good whiskey often. I can also guilt trip and blame others very well.

Posted by: Melody at March 10, 2008 1:03 PM

ENOUGH!! I am a teacher at a very good school--you people are going to get me fired! I am no longer able to read the comment sections while my kids are engaged in group activities because I can't keep a straight face. I have been reading Pajiba for years but comment very rarely... please take pity on me

Posted by: Marifer71 at March 10, 2008 1:05 PM

Whoa I read that article on the study on violent films briefly incapacitating the violent viewers and curbing their violent appetite. That makes me a little nervous to go to a violent movie at the theater because they are sure to be chocked full o' violent psychopaths. I mean, yes I must be a violent psychopath if I am willing to view a Tarantino film, par example, but that doesn't mean I want to be exposed to those people, no matter how subdued they are. I guess I'll just go get wasted because that is the only other thing I know how to do. "It's not as if these people watching violent movies would otherwise be home reading a book." That is not very Raven at all.

Posted by: Lobstersurprise at March 10, 2008 1:08 PM

Melody:
You are very welcome to join the PaddyDog Shamrock Berets for the TK hunt and all future activities. (Note: the one-legged beagle gets a pass as does Mrs. TK who seems to be a very cool person).

Posted by: PaddyDog at March 10, 2008 1:08 PM

Hey, Marifer71.

I'm going to brain douche after I take the Midnight Meat Train to Raven Simone's headboard station with a Heinekin in her backdoor while TK's zombie army fucking River Dances the night away.

Posted by: Spork at March 10, 2008 1:08 PM

1. Melody Actually, that was just continuing the "Stripes"-quoting that Spork had started.

2. Bring it on, Paddy. You'll have to get through my zombies AND my Irish wife. And you should know... she may be small and cute, but she is quite feisty... and the deadliest woman alive with a knitting needle.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Also, Marifer71: YOU ARE ALSO ON THE LIST NOW.

Posted by: TK at March 10, 2008 1:09 PM

TK, am I on the list? I did give you a tasty, melty Watchamacallit from betwixt my buttocks, y'know. I figure that's at least worth a reprieve, or a swift killing.

Posted by: Spork at March 10, 2008 1:11 PM

Hee! Hee!

Miss Marifer71 is giggling!

Ooh, ooh, Miss Marifer71 just peed in her pants!

Did you really think we were going to let you away with that comment?

Posted by: PaddyDog at March 10, 2008 1:11 PM

Paddy:

Hee! My family hails from Donegal and county Clare...we are the prototypical continually-procreating, acerbic witted, it's-not-a-party-until-Mom Mom-gets-drunk, guilt-stricken Irish Catholic family.

Posted by: Julie at March 10, 2008 1:13 PM

Oh, bummer. I was all jazzed by the idea that there was a study showing what I have personally tried to argue for years (namely, that watching violent movies dilutes my urge to kill). Then I click the link to find that it's a study by freakin' economists. What the hell? Call me when a study by psychologists has a similar finding.

Posted by: Lannie at March 10, 2008 1:13 PM

Sweet! Thank you so much. I will be an asset to the Berets.

TK, we are not scared of your zombies. Besides, aren't they busy at the Lawrence residence?

Posted by: Melody at March 10, 2008 1:13 PM

TK- Ok, I think you're starting to lose all sense of perspective. I think you need to take a deep breath, make a French 75, watch Roman Holiday (yes, I know I'm mixing my Boozehound recommendations, but that's how it all came together for me last night) and take it down a notch or two.

All I'm saying is that Marifer71 was essentially complimenting the commenters, and now you're threatening her with Zombies! I don't think that's what she meant when she requested pity.

Posted by: tamatha at March 10, 2008 1:15 PM

No pity, Tamatha. Just zombies and murder sprees.

Posted by: Julie at March 10, 2008 1:19 PM

TK:

Ever seen Braveheart? You now that scene where the English king sends in the Irish conscripts and they rush forward brandishing their weapons at the Scots but then hug and turn around to fight the English with them?
That's the scene I picture with Mrs. TK when we descend on your home. I heard she's a little fed up with the zombies never washing their cups and picking up after them in the bathroom.

Posted by: PaddyDog at March 10, 2008 1:21 PM

I feel left out, can I be on your list too TK?

death by zombies is preferable to this monday, gotta say

how sad is that? sigh....

bring it.

Posted by: Bethy at March 10, 2008 1:22 PM

Tamatha that was exactly what I was doing. I guess just being nice around here is useless--the Lawrence-Murphy-Boll-etc-induced rage has robbed us all of our humanity

Posted by: Marifer71 at March 10, 2008 1:22 PM

Poor Marifer71. Maybe as a parting gift, you should not assign any homework today. That way, they'll think of you even more fondly after the zombie hordes have gotten you.

I did my best to try and help, but clearly my calming suggestions are falling on deaf ears.

Posted by: tamatha at March 10, 2008 1:24 PM

I suppose that's a fair point, Tamatha. I may be getting carried away.

[Note to self: Tamatha goes on the list.]

Posted by: TK at March 10, 2008 1:26 PM

See, now you are just baiting people.

A master baiter, even.

Yes, I am two years old and this $%!*^& day is never going to END.

Posted by: twig at March 10, 2008 1:28 PM

Bethy- I think that you are going about it all wrong. I think that to get on the list you have to play hard to get!

Hmm, how whacked out would it be that to get on TK's list you had to use The Rules?

Posted by: tamatha at March 10, 2008 1:29 PM

I think I can explain part of TK's anger this morning. I think that it can be attributed to the end of "The Wire" last night.

This explains only part of it. The rest is just his usual reaction to Martin Lawrence.

Posted by: Melody at March 10, 2008 1:32 PM

Marfier71 & Tamatha:

I think the comments you got were our own special Pajiban way of saying hello. Not just anyone merits a zombie threat you know!
For the record, my day has been brightened by the thought of you trying hard to remain professional while reading about your impending attack. I have sometimes had to excuse myself from client meetings when I start reading Pajiba comments on my Blackberry under the table for fear of losing it right there in the board room.

Posted by: PaddyDog at March 10, 2008 1:32 PM

hmmm, ok....hard to get, hard to get....lets see....

hey TK!!!
your mother was a hampster and your father smelt of elderberry!!!
you stupid kin-i-git!!

oh, wait no....thats taunting...not hard to get

you know? I don't think I know hard to get....
does taunting suffice?

Posted by: Bethy at March 10, 2008 1:35 PM

NO ONE TALK ABOUT THE WIRE. I HAVE NOT SEEN IT YET.

So help me fucking GOD, if anyone spoils it I really WILL kill you.

Posted by: TK at March 10, 2008 1:36 PM

Shit! See what happens when you try to help others?

[Note to self. Watch out only for number one. Um, that means you.]

[Screw that!]

Ok, Marifer71, I don't think we can take them just by ourselves, so shall we align ourselves with Paddy's drunken Irishmen and women? Bethy, you can join us, that's probably the quickest way to get on his list.

OR TK- FINE. I'll bring the lemons and the champagne and pay another day's late fee on RH. You supply the gin and the water (for the syrup).

Posted by: tamatha at March 10, 2008 1:37 PM

I think I can explain part of TK's anger this morning. I think that it can be attributed to the end of "The Wire" last night.

This explains only part of it. The rest is just his usual reaction to Martin Lawrence.

Posted by: Melody at March 10, 2008 1:38 PM

Bethy- Yeah, me either. Taunting is much more fun anyway. And it really does take one back to the elementary school yard. It might work...

Posted by: tamatha at March 10, 2008 1:41 PM

I knew Hollywood would fuck up a promising premise: doting black father and a not-skinny-as-a-rail daughter bonding while on a college tour.

Posted by: Ciji at March 10, 2008 1:43 PM

Heehee, I read "Satanaslug" as "SANTANAslug" and was briefly wondering what Carlos had done to become the devil incarnate of Godtopus's green earth.

Fun mental imagery, though..."I got a black magic slime trail...."

Posted by: MO at March 10, 2008 1:44 PM

Paddy Dog- Just between you and me, I did laugh out loud when I saw that I had made it on his list. And here I was, thinking I was flying under the radar...

Posted by: tamatha at March 10, 2008 1:45 PM

ok PaddyDog:

I, Bethy, hereby ally myself with the PaddyDog Shamrock Berets in this and all future battles.
I promise to defend the country of Ireland and its inhabitants from slander even thought I am French (but look Irish, good enough?)

Do I get Guinness now?

Posted by: Bethy at March 10, 2008 1:53 PM

Stupid non-working internet causing me to double post.

Posted by: Melody at March 10, 2008 1:55 PM

TK - It would be easier to just post a list of who ISN'T on your list. I am having a really tough time keeping up!

I mean, seriously, how's a girl to know whether she's going to get her ass murdered in her sleep?

By the way, I should be on the "Not-on-list List," I think, because...I don't hate sweater vests - not even a little bit, not even at all.

Posted by: tt_marie at March 10, 2008 1:59 PM

I think the comments you got were our own special Pajiban way of saying hello. Not just anyone merits a zombie threat you know!

PaddyDog is right, I've been around a while and have yet to be threatened by zombie attack...or the Shamrock Berets, for that matter. Somehow managed to fly under the radar. Whew.

Posted by: MO at March 10, 2008 2:00 PM

So what about those of us who don't want to join either the zombies or the Irish? I want to be Switzerland, damnit.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 10, 2008 2:03 PM

tt_marie, you're safe for no reason other than the 10 Things I Hate About You reference.

Posted by: TK at March 10, 2008 2:03 PM

Shadows, no one wants to be Switzerland. That is for people who are too lazy to be bothered to pick a side.

Zombies or Irish, it is your call.

Posted by: Melody at March 10, 2008 2:06 PM

I hate sweater vests!

Damnit!
what does a girl have to do to get on the list round here?!

Posted by: Bethy at March 10, 2008 2:06 PM

(peer pressure) Come on Shadows, join the Irish. (/peer pressure) You get to drink Guinness and say "Jesus, Mary and Joseph!" a lot.

Posted by: Julie at March 10, 2008 2:10 PM

Is there going to be some kind of draft for the Shamrock Berets? Because listen, I'm only half Irish! My father is from North Dakota. People from North Dakota are so dull they're physically incapable of working up enough rage to function in a militaristic fashion, and that species of boring is responsible for half my genetic makeup! Also, according to socalled, I am allegedly a leprechaun. Nobody but Jennifer Aniston was ever intimated by a leprechaun!

My point is that, should a draft be declared, I would not likely be a particularly beneficial addition to the army. I mean, don't get me wrong, I fully support your endeavour in a pacifist-type fashion. I just think we would all be better off if we smoked ourselves retarded and ate a bunch of popcorn. That's really the best way I know to resolve conflict.

Posted by: Sarina at March 10, 2008 2:11 PM

Nuh uh...I've already battled TK once this month...and I've had an irish girlfriend before...so neither choice appeals. I'm holing up in my Fortress of Solitude and letting this play out.

Maybe I'll come out after and sweep through the remains to find something worth keeping.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 10, 2008 2:13 PM

Sarina- You just inadvertently definitely sided yourself with the ISB, because if I recall correctly from some other comment thread (oh wait, I think it's the I.Am.Shitty thread, which brought us WBNS!), TK hates popcorn. So, your fate is decided, whether you'd be helpful or not.

Posted by: tamatha at March 10, 2008 2:15 PM

Julie, my dear, if you survive, the wedding is still on.

(Actually, even if you don't, we'll still do it. Zombie Julie sounds just as fun!)

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 10, 2008 2:16 PM

TK hates popcorn? How the hell did I miss that part of that thread? I mean, as I recall a whole lot of crazy shit went down in that bus, but seriously?

...why would anyone hate popcorn? If anything is magically delicious, it is popcorn. TK, I fear we may be at an impasse. You shall have to put me on the list. I only hope we can keep our heads about us in the melee and work toward peace.

Posted by: Sarina at March 10, 2008 2:26 PM

Dakaron, you goddamn coward.

Bethy, your desperate pleas for recognition come off as needy and insincere. As such, I am torn: do you go on the "to be mauled and devoured by zombies list" (note to self - find new name for list, that's way too fucking long) for that, or is that simply caving in to your quest for validation?

This is a dilly of a pickle.

Perhaps you should JOIN my army. Hmm... let me consider.

Posted by: TK at March 10, 2008 2:27 PM

And Sarina, I only said I hate popcorn. Not people who hate popcorn.

I mean, sheesh. I'm not some sort of crazy person.

Posted by: TK at March 10, 2008 2:28 PM

I call it strategic reconsideration and placement of resources. So screw your zombies. I know what "joining" your zombie army entails...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 10, 2008 2:30 PM

Bethy, I have to ask it, but do the French fight?

Posted by: Melody at March 10, 2008 2:31 PM

Melody, which I shall now pronounce as Mel-uh-nee in honor of this movie. Savate ain't nothin' to sneeze at. It's French kickboxing in which no pads are worn and they wear little boots with reinforced toes. It's some serious shit, actually.

Posted by: Spork at March 10, 2008 2:35 PM

Oh. Well TK, that makes everything different. Carry on with the listmaking and zombie horde ballet, maestro. I'm quite relieved that got cleared up. While the Irish half of me was salivating at the prospect of bloodshed, the North Dakota half of me was exhausted by the very thought of so much hectic labour. And hey, more popcorn for me!

Posted by: Sarina at March 10, 2008 2:35 PM

Shadows, with Zombie Me only my dietary needs would alter...there'd still be a lot of moaning and biting.

TK, I believe your exact words were "Popcorn is disgusting as are the miscreants who would put such an unholy alliance of corn and butter into their person. You are all damned for eternity."

Posted by: Julie at March 10, 2008 2:39 PM

Spork, I will have to take time out of the Irish Berets to kill you now.

I know what Savate is and yes, there are no pads and it is brutal, but it has full length leotards in neon colors. It is hard to take some seriously in that kind of outfit.

Posted by: Melody at March 10, 2008 2:40 PM

So, is the I.S.B. kinda like the KISS Army? Are there iron-on patches, lapel pins and kick-ass back-patches for our denim jackets?

My pop's last name was Kingrey... I like Guiness and Jamison and Lucky Charms. Can I join? I've got a MurderTank learner's permit and get deliver a pretty decent throat-punch. I'm pro-zombie and can do about six cartwheels in a row without stopping... Just give me a chance, TK... I'll do you proud.

I'll even donate blood for a limited edition comic book...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at March 10, 2008 2:40 PM

Sarina- Kolby also hates popcorn and dammitjanet may too, but that may only be in combination with m&m's, just FYI.

Oh, and TK, here's what you said before about popcorn; I think that the last item kind of intimates that you also hate popcorn eaters (though it may just be popcorn eaters at the theatre, maybe in the midst of a zombe-ISB battle, it wouldn't bother you, since you'd never hear it being eaten over the fighting sounds):

a) I love corn and feel like popcorn corrupts it's sweet, sweet flavor

2) It obviously hates me, what with the constant getting stuck in my teeth and that weird thing where a piece of it gets stuck on the back of my tongue and I want to stab myself in the mouth with a steak knife to get it out, and

III) Because people who eat popcorn in the theater make a fucking ruckus with the chomping and crunching and the SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I BEAT YOU TO DEATH.

Posted by: tamatha at March 10, 2008 2:42 PM

III) Because people who eat popcorn in the theater make a fucking ruckus with the chomping and crunching and the SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I BEAT YOU TO DEATH.

That made me laugh so hard my hangover came back.

Posted by: Julie at March 10, 2008 2:44 PM

Damn, just when I thought I had mastered HTML tags!

Julie Wow, your quote is even better than mine. Was that also from I.Am.Shitty?

Posted by: tamatha at March 10, 2008 2:46 PM

You know, I remember that discussion. That's right, TK, how's it feel to EAT YOUR WORDS LIKE HOT CRUNCHY CRUNCHY POPCORN, huh?

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 10, 2008 2:48 PM

Hee, I believe it was from "I'm in too much pain to get any work done so let's channel TK and make him angry."

Posted by: Julie at March 10, 2008 2:49 PM

hmmm, well I am only 1/2 French, I am also 1/4 German and 1/4 English....
so that will either further the fighting urge if the French fight (I THINK they do, Napoleon-wise anyways) or terribly conflict it....

and TK, never meant to come off as needy and insincere...just having a bad day and relished the thought of fighting zombies (or with zombies, not partial)

Posted by: Bethy at March 10, 2008 2:49 PM

Aw, Mel. That's just too harsh. Can't you make fun of the French for something better than leotards?

Actually, that's a pretty fucking good reason. Never mind.

Posted by: Spork at March 10, 2008 2:50 PM

Skitt- What the hell are you doing?! Hedging your bets? You can't have it both ways. Pick a side!

Posted by: tamatha at March 10, 2008 2:51 PM

Oh Jesus, this is getting intense, and I'm only barely awake in the first place. I would like to declare a detente with the freakshow parade of lunatics who don't like popcorn. I mean really, how can I commit violence upon the persons of the obviously addled? I can't. I can only pity them and the sad, empty lives they must lead.

I have a small, weak hope that we may all come to a greater understanding through the balm of liquor. That, my friends, is the true magic of St. Patrick's Day.

Posted by: Sarina at March 10, 2008 2:52 PM

I believe that refers specifically to people who eat popcorn in a loud and disruptive fashion within the confines of a movie theater. If you want to eat at home, or in your car, or on a unicycle, I could care less.

However, Dakaron...

[eyes narrowing]

I don't know if I like your tone.

[gets out list]

Posted by: TK at March 10, 2008 2:54 PM

hmmm, well I am only 1/2 French, I am also 1/4 German and 1/4 English....
so that will either further the fighting urge if the French fight (I THINK they do, Napoleon-wise anyways) or terribly conflict it....

French and German? Wow, I thought my Irish and English was bad.

Spork, have you ever seen a Savate fight? Look at the outfits the fighters wear. Believe me, it is a very good reason.

Posted by: Melody at March 10, 2008 2:54 PM

You know what's funny. I just reread what TK wrote above, and it's not that he claimed not to hate popcorn eaters, but he claimed not to hate "People who hate popcorn," which, hello, of course he doesn't hate people who hate popcorn, because then he'd hate himself and have to sic (sp?) his zombie hordes on himself.

Which brings me back to the fact that as a popcorn eater Sarina is on the ISB side.

Posted by: tamatha at March 10, 2008 2:57 PM

Waitaminnit... I got confused... I thought that PaddyDog was the... So, WHO is fighting who? TK is zombie hordes and Paddy's doing the drunken Irish mob?

So in essence, due to my hectic posting I've pretty much banned myself from either of the two groups? Great... that's just... GODDAMITALLTOHELL!!

Fine. I'll just mix some blue Kool-Aid for "The Order Of The Blue Godtopus", a non-profit organization that donates funds to several charities throughout the world by looting the aftermath of thread-wars/brawls. Anyone can join, but you gotta cut off the top nubbin of your right pinky finger. In the event you're already missing your nubbin (due to previously-joined cult terms of membership), a viewing of "Gummo" will suffice...

Note: A quickie behind the recycling dumpster of the Home Depot on Rural Route 112 will also ensure membership... Either or...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at March 10, 2008 2:58 PM

Nuh uh, Bethy... it don't work that way. You don't fight WITH zombies in my army. You fight AS a zombie.

Which means... well... let's just say basic training is a little uncomfortable. And bitey.

Ask AlabamaPink. She knows.

Posted by: TK at March 10, 2008 3:00 PM

My mind is fuzzy...which side am I on? Can I just spray hot-popcorn-butter/sludge in everyone's eyes, kick some ass and go have a "celebrating my own awesomeness" beer with Shadows?

Posted by: Julie at March 10, 2008 3:01 PM

Yeah....not sure if that scares me anymore...that list is so long that it'll be years before you get to my name. So...

NYAAAHHH!!!! I'm not saying that I'll track you down, find your movie theatre, and make sure to sit behind you while you're watching the movie with a big ole tub of popcorn and deliberately crunch on every piece as loud as I can...but I'm not saying I won't, either...

Do your worst.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 10, 2008 3:01 PM

Goddammit. Full circle back to being drafted, huh? Well, just so you lot are forewarned, a conscript army is surely not always the best. I'm just as likely to show up falling down drunk as I am to report for duty ready for maiming and killing. Also, I feel it is only fair to state that my favourite movies are those in which zombies and/or creatures eat people, so I might just hang back and enjoy the mayhem. Not that I don't love you, my dear brethren. Godspeed and whatnot, or something.

Posted by: Sarina at March 10, 2008 3:04 PM

Skitt, I would be happy to join The Order Of The Blue Godtopus :cue singing angels:, I am all about pillaging. And plundering. And...godtopusing.

Posted by: Julie at March 10, 2008 3:05 PM

I have a fine army amassing now. Thank you all.

Sarina: we'll find you a drum to bang or a fife to blow on. You'll be included.


Shadows of D: I'm conscripting you. My first lieutenant Julie will be right over to haul your ass off to....(well actually I think we've all read enough about what you and Julie want to do to each other, let's leave it there).

Now the first task: Leave a million spoiler-free but tantalising comments about The Wire series finale. We'll have TK in a fetal position calling for his mummy before the day is out.

Posted by: PaddyDog at March 10, 2008 3:07 PM

"...I'm just as likely to show up falling down drunk as I am to report for duty ready for maiming and killing..."

I thought that was the motto of the irish army?

(Okay, now I'm pissing on both sides...I don't think neutrality is working out very well for me.)

Skittimus, I'm already looting the battlefield in the aftermath...squatter's rights and all...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 10, 2008 3:07 PM

...godtopusing.

The possibilities of this verb equally intrigue and terrify me.

Posted by: Sarina at March 10, 2008 3:08 PM

Shadows of D: I'm conscripting you. My first lieutenant Julie will be right over to haul your ass off

Curses!!! My one weakness. Fine...but only if I can be an officer. And stay in the back.

(damn testy irish)

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 10, 2008 3:10 PM

Hey Skittimus:
"Paddy's doing the drunken Irish mob". I think you might be making Socalled feel a little less special when you leave comments like that. As a clarification: I will be LEADING the drunken Irish mob to TK's house where we shall sit and munch popcorn loudly while he tries in vain to watch The WIRE finale on DVR. We will then breathe in unison (accompanied by Sarina on the uillean pipes) at his fluffy little zombies and make them fall to the ground in a stupor (zombies have no alcohol dehydrogenase enzyme) and finally, we will hurl guilt-laced sarcasm at him with extreme force. In our house the favourite was always "thank God your father didn't live to see you this way".

Posted by: PaddyDog at March 10, 2008 3:14 PM

Fine...but only if I can be an officer. And stay in the back.

Oh Shadows, don't be such a pussy. Get up front and die with glory and honour like the rest of us. Or at least, you know, with gore and terror. Also, when I say "the rest of us" I primarily mean them. I myself shall not perish, for evil never dies. I will live forever, like the Highlander.

Posted by: Sarina at March 10, 2008 3:15 PM

Paddy, as your lieutenant I must note that my weapon of choice is Super Soaker filled with Bushmills and a pack of matches. Shadows can fetch me pints while I rampage.

Posted by: Julie at March 10, 2008 3:16 PM

Can't we just take his DVR and hold it for ransom?

Posted by: Melody at March 10, 2008 3:17 PM

In all seriousness: any further references to The Wire finale will result in my permanently abandoning this thread. Please, please don't.

OK, back to the mayhem.

Posted by: TK at March 10, 2008 3:18 PM

SOD, tell you what - You obviously already know about the looting and whatnot... But c'mon, man! "The Order Of The Blue Godtopus"? How cool of a cult is that? You've already experienced "Gummo", so far as I'm concerned, you're in... Not to mention the fact that "TOOTBO" is the only organization with a bona-fide MurderTank with a friggin' WHISKEY-FOUNTAIN! If that's not enough to convert the unconvertables, i dunno what is...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at March 10, 2008 3:20 PM

Getting many, many recollections of my ex, Paddy. Just substitute "zombies" with "my friends", and you have our last few days together.

Godtopusing? Sounds....sexy....

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 10, 2008 3:20 PM

we will hurl guilt-laced sarcasm at him with extreme force. In our house the favourite was always "thank God your father didn't live to see you this way".

Nice. Ours was "I gave you life, how could you break your mother's heart this way?"

Everything had the potential of breaking my mother's heart...doing drugs, having sex, forging a signature on a failed test, forgetting to feed the dog...unevenly filing my nails.

Posted by: Julie at March 10, 2008 3:22 PM

Hmmm....you make a good point, Skittimus. Okay, I'm in.

THE ORDER OF THE BLUE GODTOPUS FO LIFE!!!

...I want to be second in command...I got the base of operations right on the front lines, after all.

Julie...I would bring you pints wherever you were...just don't rampage on me...unless I ask for it...without the safe word...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 10, 2008 3:25 PM

we will hurl guilt-laced sarcasm at him with extreme force. In our house the favourite was always "thank God your father didn't live to see you this way".

Woman, please. I'm practically Irish by marriage. You think this shit scares me? Obviously, you've never been to my in-laws over Christmas when Mrs. TK's racist grandmother was around. Yes, the same one who once sweetly referred to me as "one of the nice ones," since "so many of the other ones are into crime and drugs."

I couldn't make that stuff up if I tried. Let me tell you, you really have to love a woman to put up with that shit.

Posted by: TK at March 10, 2008 3:26 PM

Whoa, that acronym made no sense...

Okay, the new official name is "The Order Of The Blue Omnipotent Godtopus", thus resulting in "TOOTBOG"... which... uh, sounds like a description of The Bog of Eternal Stench, which isn't too appealing....

Okay, I gotta rethink this whole starting a cult business...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at March 10, 2008 3:26 PM

Oh, I see you people's guilt trips and I raise you, "THESE KIND OF SHENANIGANS ARE WHAT DROVE YOUR BELOVED GRANDFATHER INTO THE GROUND!" Although, to be fair, my grandfather didn't die until we were all pretty much grown up. Before that it was, "You heathen lot will be the death of me! And WHO will comfort me in heaven? Not the likes of you demon spawn, surely!"

Nobody laid a guilt trip like my grandmother, God rest her soul.

Posted by: Sarina at March 10, 2008 3:30 PM

TOOTBOG is brilliant...maybe we can get Ludo or the Fire Gang to join.

Posted by: Julie at March 10, 2008 3:30 PM

Hey Tamatha-- I just got back from lunch so I am late in replying. I appreciate the offer of assistance and will probably take you up on it.
I will call upon the gods of my adopted people to defend us--Huitzilopotchli can definitely take on a few zombies.

Posted by: Marifer71 at March 10, 2008 3:31 PM

How bout, "Godtopus: Omnipotent and Blue"
other wise known as GOB

you could get a segway and everything!

Posted by: Bethy at March 10, 2008 3:32 PM

Does "godtopusing" have anything to do with that creepy tentacly J-porn stuff, Julie? 'Cause I was totally set to join Skittimus and co., but am having second thoughts now. Please clarify.

Posted by: MO at March 10, 2008 3:34 PM

"...sounds like a description of The Bog of Eternal Stench..."

Labrynth references always win. I second TOOTBOG.

Nobody laid a guilt trip like my grandmother, God rest her soul.

Sounds like my true-to-her-heritage spanish grandmother. Let me tell you, hispanic grandmothers are to be feared. And talk about rascist...?

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 10, 2008 3:34 PM

Julie I think that since you've been antagonizing TK that makes you part of the ISB. And Skitt I think all that Irish stuff you got going on, pretty much also aligns you with Paddy Dog. Also, aren't both of you on his list? That, I really can't keep track of.

Oh and Skitt, you're not tricking me into drinking any Kool-Aid. Even if you do give your cult a cool name that involves Godopus. I'm old enough to remember Jamestown and what went down there...

Posted by: tamatha at March 10, 2008 3:37 PM

Now Dakaron, I have two Hispanic grandmothers, but nothing prepared me for the octogenarian German aunts when I married Mr. Marifer71. They had never heard of my country and I swear to all that is holy that one of them thought we came equipped with a vestigial sort of tail

Posted by: Marifer71 at March 10, 2008 3:37 PM

sorry about the all-bold--study hall kids driving me crazy

Posted by: Marifer71 at March 10, 2008 3:38 PM

OK, allow me to present: the endgame.

You want to talk guilt? My father is a black man who grew up in South Africa during Apartheid. He hated ALL white people. But he especially had a fear and distrust of the Irish, since he didn't like cops (given their penchant for beating and illegally imprisoning black people back in SA) and when we moved to Boston, all cops were Irish. My father is also quite tall (like me) and doesn't like small people (yes, I know, my dad's a weird dude).

So what did I do? I married a short, fair-skinned Irish girl who's father used to be a cop and who's grandmother doesn't like black people.

Like I said. You wanna talk about guilt?

Bring it, motherfuckers.

Posted by: TK at March 10, 2008 3:40 PM

MO...NO. I just...no no no no no. Nooooo. Great Googling Jesus, no.

:sobs at the memory:

Godtopusing is the sacred rite of worshipping at the altar of the Blue Omnipotent Godtopus, which includes kneeling, inhaling Helium and singing "How Great Thou Art," and beating ourselves with licorice whips.

Posted by: Julie at March 10, 2008 3:43 PM

...you win.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 10, 2008 3:43 PM

Not having a side, and sensing time running out, I had to think of something quick. It doesn't sound like either side honors neutrality. Thus, I suctioned out my brains and replaced them with yorkshire pudding. If my calculations are correct, this should allow me to navigate the field of battle unscathed.

Unfortunately, sans brains, I might also enjoy this movie. I guess the saying is true, you can't win.

Posted by: denadn03 at March 10, 2008 3:43 PM

TK:
I may have to abandon my campaign out of sheer empathy. After I brought Mr.PaddyDog home for a visit (he is US born of Greek parents), my mother was walking by a billboard for a clothing store, pointed up to one of the models and said "he looks just like your fella". When I pointed out that the man in question was Black, her response was "Black, Greek, what's the difference?"
This from a woman who wouldn't let us eat fruit for three years because it came from South Africa and we had to break Apartheid. She saw no conflict in being supportive of the ANC and being openly racist about her son-in-law.

Posted by: PaddyDog at March 10, 2008 3:47 PM

Just how tall are you, TK? And I am not asking for reconaissance purposes having anything whatsoever to do with configuring the aim of a trebuchet. I swear.

Posted by: Sarina at March 10, 2008 3:51 PM

Sarina: 6'2"

Oy, Paddy... perhaps it's time for me to set the horde aside.

I can totally empathize... the scary thing was, my grandmother-in-law honestly thought she was paying me a compliment when she called me "one of the nice ones." I suppose that since I wasn't 100% black, I couldn't be 100% bad. Ugh.

This is why I enjoy the idea of mating with her grandchild and breeding her line out of existence.

Posted by: TK at March 10, 2008 3:54 PM

TK, anything over six feet is showing off. Braggart. Also, I am 6'2" as well. And an excellent liar.

...both of those things are false.

Oh, and my own grandpa (on the North Dakota side, not the Irish, obviously) once called me a dirty mick. He was drunk at the time, but still.

Posted by: Sarina at March 10, 2008 3:58 PM

TK- You know how I know you're not 100% black? Because you like The Wire, and that's item number 85 on Stuff White People Like: http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/

Posted by: tamatha at March 10, 2008 3:59 PM

Skittimus...count me in for TOOTBOG. If anything we'll have some kick ass t-shirts. One question though...as I rise through the ranks and become a senior officer, can I be the one who gets the quickies behind the home depot? Hanging out on the side lot of the save-a-cent sniffing modelling glue with the retards from my old shop class is getting old.

Posted by: PissBoy at March 10, 2008 4:09 PM

Welcome to the Guilt-off!

My mother is the champion in my family. I get the weekly "You never come home anymore" guilt trip.

You guys guilt trips are worse than anything my family has yet to come up with.

Posted by: Melody at March 10, 2008 4:19 PM

PissBoy, you gots it. Occasionally, we've gotta film the quickies though - road-weary, lonely truckers pay top-dollar for those kinda flicks, and the blue-satin convertin' robes don't come cheap. Bring your glue-sniffers too - we gotta get the numbers up to actually qualify as a nationally-ordained, cephalopod-worshipping cult.

That there's a five-dollar word: cephalopod - kinda rolls off the tongue, don't it?

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at March 10, 2008 4:50 PM

Holy fuck, TK. I mean, sweet monkey christ that's just...holy fuck, man.

Posted by: Spork at March 10, 2008 5:06 PM

Yup, Spork. Recognize.

Also, I would like to apologize for my horrific and awful misuse of "who's" on my previous post. That shit ain't right, and clearly I meant "whose". My father would guilt me for that, too.

Fucking hell.

Fuck.

Posted by: TK at March 10, 2008 5:09 PM

It's okay, man. It'll be alright.

You want another candy bar?

Posted by: Spork at March 10, 2008 5:19 PM

Kinda.

Posted by: TK at March 10, 2008 5:25 PM

Well, you know where to find it.

Posted by: Spork at March 10, 2008 5:28 PM

Oh LORD.

Posted by: Julie at March 10, 2008 5:38 PM

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 10, 2008 5:43 PM

TK, I worry that if you keep eating candy bars like this, you're going to get a card in the mail that says, "You have died of dysentery."

Posted by: Sarah at March 10, 2008 5:54 PM

Oregon Trail reference FTW!

Posted by: Spork at March 10, 2008 6:06 PM

May I just say, bwahahahaa. Oh you people, with your guilt trips and zombie hordes and and popcorn phobias, you crack me up. I think my prof is about to kick me out of class because I've guffawed out loud about eight times already. Apparently that sort of thing is frowned upon. This is what I come here for. Bravo, Pajiba.

Posted by: Leacock at March 10, 2008 6:31 PM

Double 'and' damnit!

Posted by: Leacock at March 10, 2008 6:32 PM

The hell? Sarah, weren't you Sarina like, an hour ago?

I am confused.

Posted by: TK at March 10, 2008 6:37 PM

The hell? Sarah, weren't you Sarina like, an hour ago?

Yeah, sorry about that, I was apparently paying no attention whatsoever when I was typing. Sarah is my actual name, but I became Sarina for the same reason Rebeccah became Replica. There were already several other Sarahs, and also George Clooney's stupid girlfriend has my entire name, surname and all. I once met this crazy guy named Alejandro who said he already knew a Sarah so I couldn't have that name and I had to be Sarina, and it kind of stuck. But yeah, anyway, I'm sorry for confusing you.

Posted by: Sarina at March 10, 2008 7:20 PM

Ah. Gotcha.

Thank you for the deconfusification.

Posted by: TK at March 10, 2008 7:29 PM

now, i'm completely lost. what side would a partially re-built (they have the technology, the have capabiltiy) lagomorph fall on? i'm always up for a good zombie horde, but i can pull off a pretty passable irish lilt. and i loves me a good scotsman, does that count for ANYTHING anymore?

Posted by: bionic bunny at March 10, 2008 8:41 PM

Aw Dustin, you could have done what you did with Rebound and write a review on a movie that you use the IMDB synopsis on. Subjecting yourself to such torture isn't healthy, we can help you!

Posted by: Kamakaze Feminist at March 10, 2008 9:16 PM

PaddyDog, I am reporting for duty. I am currently in possession of 1 bottle Boru Vodka, 1 bottle each Bushmills Black Bush and Jameson 12-Year, 7 cans of Guinness, four bottles of Smithwick's Ale, 1 bottle Celtic Crossing, half a decanter of Tullamore Dew, 2 bottles of Magner's Cider, and a quarter-full bottle of Bunratty Meade.


To top things off, I'm 100% Mexican. Still, I think it's about time we return the favor to you Irish after you gave us the brave men of the Batallón de San Patricio. Many thanks. Now let's go kill.

Posted by: Fernando at March 10, 2008 10:39 PM

Ah Jeezus.

First and foremost, I'm on Team Dustin simply for the wee lobe. I blame you completely for premature crows feet and laugh lines. Oh lawhs, no!

But I have to wonder if TK is right about you...

PissBoy: I don't know if I've ever directly addressed you before. It is quite possible, as more than once I have found myself here, drunk, stoned, and looking to score. And when I do, when I come around for that sweet ride, when I need that high like no other, no one delivers like you. What can I say. I'm a fucked up girl, lookin' for her own piece of mind (completely intentional) and there is no salve for my hurt like your rancid rhetoric. I want your hate mail. I want it so bad. It is completely possible that I am not who I say I am, but I am DRUNK ME! But that wouldn't be true. I'm as sober as a pedophile under oath. And this is me, telling you, that I just. might. love. you.

Posted by: boo at March 10, 2008 10:56 PM

ummmmmm

Just want to mention on the TOOTBOG front -

Where I come from Toot means fart and Bog means toilet.

It's been hours and I've only just stopped laughing enough to write this!

Posted by: general rhubarb at March 10, 2008 11:17 PM

you don't want me to play, fine.
i'll just fuck all and go over to boozehound and get toasted by myself.

harumpf!

Posted by: bionic bunny at March 10, 2008 11:54 PM

I had a nightmare where Raven-Symone (gay hypenation provided by her "offcial website") kept singing "DIZZUBLE DIZZUTCH!" over and over again.
Woke up to find I had fallen asleep watching Disney Channel again. God help me, I couldn't sleep for two night after that.

Posted by: Mesic at March 11, 2008 12:45 AM

Fernando:

Hell yeah! I'd take you even if you didn't come fully equipped with more liquor than a girl ever dreamed of. La lucia continua!

Posted by: PaddyDog at March 11, 2008 10:23 AM

Okay, I'm late to the party, but this caught my eye:

I'm old enough to remember Jamestown and what went down there...

I am hoping that you meant JONEStown. In which case your memory is not as good as you claim, now is it?

If you meant JAMEStown, that means you are over four hundred years old...Do you have a TV series over on Fox, by any chance?

Posted by: Jerce at March 11, 2008 11:17 AM

Jerce- you got me. I guess my memory is not as good as I claimed. As I was typing Jamestown, I had this sense that it wasn't quite right, but was too lazy to double check on the interwebs.

BUT, at least I'm smart enough not to be sucked into Skitt's kool-aid drinkin' cult. Even if it does sound cool.

Posted by: tamatha at March 11, 2008 1:21 PM

I think I'd rather be fist fucked by Hulk than see this movie.

Posted by: Ryan at March 11, 2008 3:16 PM

There's nothing wrong with kooky, kool-aid drinking, cephalapod worshipping cults, tamatha.

Join us...it's for...

[Hot Fuzz]The Greater Good![/Hot Fuzz]

We're having Reeeeeeese's...!

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 11, 2008 3:24 PM

raven and martin are g00d actors

Posted by: zharia at March 19, 2008 7:03 PM





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