January 16, 2008 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Film | January 16, 2008 |


Before I get started on today’s real-time review, I’d just like to note — for the record — that I hate you all and your goddamn peer pressure for coaxing me into bringing real-time reviews out of semi-retirement. I cannot think of anything I’d like to do less than watch Blonde Ambition, but you fuckers are hellbent on destroying every last brain cell I have left. So, if the round-ups start missing words or look as though they were written by a drunk toddler, blame Jessica Simpson. And, again, fuck you all.

00:20: It’s “A Papa Joe Films Production.” Seriously. You know what that means, don’t you? It means that watching Blonde Ambition will feel all creepy, like the sensation you receive when a skeevy guy insists on giving you a shoulder rub and before you can decline, he’s pawing at your clavicle and breathing that Miller Light breath down your neck and you gotta pretend that you like it because you’re too nice to tell that skeezy gentlemen to back the fuck off. This guy often wears vests.With fur on the collar.

01:48: The first two minutes were mostly painless, other than wincing at the wasted talent in the credits, which is accompanied by a murderous Jessica Simpson song that sounds a bit like a Debbie Gibson tune crossed with a mixing board and a mewling cat that’s become the unfortunate victim of a poodle in heat. Someone break out the water hose (ah — only my white-trash brethren will understand that line).

02:01: The opening sequence features a bland-looking fella (even blander than Luke Wilson) who is about to hop on a bus and go to the city to become a male model. It’s just like that Poison song, “Fallen Angel,” only gender-reversed and not nearly as smart. The guy says he’s coming back in six months to make Jessica Simpson his wife. She’s crestfallen, which she exudes by sucking in her cheeks and sort of rolling her eyes back. That’s actressin’, folks.

02:43: Three months later, J. Simp is trying on a wedding dress and pretending to walk the aisle of a hardware store that her grandfather owns. Her grandfather is played by Willie Nelson, who clearly must have the IRS’s arm elbow-deep into his arse to take this gig. “PeePaw” bought her a ticket to NYC for Valentine’s Day, so she can surprise her male-modelin’ fiancé by, no doubt, interrupting him mid-coitus.

04:59: I need to take a break. It’s been a long five minutes. I need to see if there’s anything left in the morphine drip (tap tap tap).

05:19: She’s in a NYC cab hot curling her hair, showing the cabbie the glitter valentine she made her man. Glitter Valentine. What the hell have you people wrought?

07:21: She sneaks into her fiancé’s apartment, slides under the covers while he’s asleep, and discovers that those aren’t two pillows between his knees: That’s a skank! Fiancé throws the sheet over skank and says, “I don’t know who that is.” Sexlarity ensues. So, J. Simp. slaps his hands and he says, “Woah! Woah! Easy on the hands, I’m up for a Lubriderm ad next week.” Oh, so he’s a male hand model, who apparently specializes in Johnson lubricant. Slightly related: How many of you, in college, ruffled through your roommate’s drawers and discovered a bottle of Lubriderm and a wash cloth? Man, that was an unpleasant day.

07:57: Actual dialogue:

Simpson: How could you do this to me?

Fiancé: Everything has changed here for me. I’m Billy two-point-oh now. It’s, like, before I was an eagle. And now I’ve just blossomed into a … bigger eagle.

Simpson: That doesn’t even make sense.

Skank: Yes. Because bigger eagle beats smaller eagle.

09:00: So, Billy the Hand Model dumps her and then asks for the ring back. Outside, she calls her cousin, Haley, who is played by Rachel Leigh Cook, who is considerably not all that. She goes to Haley’s apartment; Haley calls Billy a “d-bag,” and convinces Jessica Simpson (whose character name is Katie, incidentally) to move in. Fish-out-of-water premise: Commence. Bowel disruption syndrome: Commence.

13:05: Haley is auditioning for a non-musical version of “Cats.” She’s up for the role of “Dog.” I’m not shitting you. The audition necessitates that Katie sub for Haley as a NYC bike messenger for the day. My intestines are coiling.

14:00: Seconds later, Katie rides her bike into a hole on a construction site, where Ben (Luke Wilson) espies her and mocks. Awesome meet cute. And original! Ben pops Katie’s dislocated shoulder into socket, and J. Simp expresses pain by sucking in her cheeks and rolling her eyes back a little. That’s actressin’, y’all!

15:00: Ben asks Katie out; she denies him, says she “doesn’t date guys” He says, “I don’t date guys, either.” LOL! LOL! LOL!

15:51: Katie tries to push a bicycle through a revolving door. She falls on her face. Sadly, the Earth doesn’t open up and swallow her.

17:30: I don’t really know what’s going on now, but Penelope Ann Miller (or PAM) plays the Vice President of some unspecified company; she’s apparently embroiled in a power struggle with the President’s obese secretary, who offers her a Thin Mint (wink wink). Get it: Fat Secretary. Thin Mint! Layers, people. Layers.

And for those wondering what happened to Penelope Ann Miller after Kindergarten Cop, well, here’s your answer. Anyway, Andy Dick is her assistant (his character name is irrelevant). PAM and Andy are conspiring to overthrow the obese secretary so that PAM can get in with the President, whose job she wants. Enter Katie, who runs over PAM’s shoe with her bike. Andy Dick: “Look what you’ve done you evil-breasted beast. You ditzy blond scatterbrained dingbat!” Who the hell wrote this? Hmm … looks like the original script was written by John Cohen, though it has been rewritten four times. Four times? And all these jackasses could come up with was, “Evil Breasted Beast”? Those hypothetical typewriting monkeys could do better with four tries, something like: “H9rse-fced Lpstck Fountin Yoko … banana!”

20:51: Andy and PAM decide to invite Katie to lunch, and PAM comes up with a brilliant idea. “Brain fart, I smell it,” says Andy. That’s not a brain fart, Andy — that’s the smell of booze mixed with your own fucking failure. And it reeks. PAM offers Katie a position at their unspecified firm. She accepts, then belches, “Peepaw says that’s compliments to the cook.”

Wow. I think I’d like to pay my compliments to the scriptwriters with napalm.

25:31: When Katie shows up for her job interview, she’s given a make-over, which gives occasion for a makeover montage; meanwhile, Andy Dick gets the obese secretary with the Thin Mints (wink wink) fired by planting alcohol in her desk. PAM and Andy subsequently get Katie hired by changing “prom queen” to Harvard Graduate on her resume. Also, drowning her seven-pounds of lipstick. Somehow grinning like a peabrain and staring vacantly into space gets Katie hired; that’s probably how Jessica got the role in the film as well. That, and sleeping with the producer. I should mention that the president of the company is played by Larry Miller, who is the poor man’s James Rebhorn.

30:12: Somehow, Ben also works in the mail room at the unspecified firm — because NYC is just that small.

36:39: On day one, shit gets messed up, but Katie comes to the rescue with pigs in a blanket. Jesus, how am I supposed to work with this? Oh, criminy: Her next feat is an idea to hold an honest-to-God ice-cream social for a client’s daughter in order to “seal the deal.”

40:00: The ice cream social, which is for little kids, not only features a puppet show, but Andy Dick — in order to sabotage the event and overthrow Larry Miller and put PAM in his stead — gives all the kids Rock Star power drinks. The kids, in turn, attack Ben with bats instead of the piñata, though when the piñata does pop open, there are fireworks inside. Male strippers arrive. The client is displeased. Katie is fired. My hed jst cophed up anothr brane sell.

44:09: Ben gives Katie a pep talk, so Katie turns around and goes back to the office and convinces Larry Miller to give her the job back. He accedes, and she is given a second task: To babysit some Norwegian clients because her resume apparently suggested that she spoke Norwegian.

46:01: Satan’s Vagina! This sucks.

47:03: PAM bought the building that Katie’s father works in, and she says she is gonna lower the rent if Katie … oh fuck it. I don’t know what’s going on. There’s absolutely no goddamn point to any of this. A pox on the interwebs! How can one movie contain so little substance, yet so much blathering nonsense? Is it possible to do worse than straight-to-DVD? Like, maybe, straight to beta videotape? Or straight into Papa Joe’s rectum. ‘Cause some poor asshole is gonna rent this movie because he thinks it’ll be a so-bad-it’s-good-laugh-riot, and you know what he’s gonna discover? That watching Blonde Ambition is actually toxic: It’s like fast-acting aspartame — it will wreak havoc on your liver. And the next thing you know, that dude’s two friends will be rolling his dead body up to a bank teller and cashing his social security check.

48:03: In PAM’s continuing efforts to sabotage everything in her wake, Katie has been instructed to wear, like, a St. Pauly Girl outfit that slightly reveals her Papa Joes (wink wink), and it turns out the Norwegians are priests. Andy Dick is feeding Katie her lines through a microphone. Katie says to the Norwegians, “You are ugly and your women smell like fish.” I haven’t heard an insult that vicious since third grade.

50:01: Because NYC really is that small, Ben happens to be walking by at that moment. He steps in and saves the day, suggesting that they take the priests out for beer at a Karaoke bar. Right now, there’s a Norwegian priest singing “Baby Got Back.” I want to die. Is there any way we can splice The Passion of Christ and Blonde Ambition together into one film? Maybe crucify Jessica?

51:00: It worked! The Norwegians signed an unspecified deal with the unspecified firm. Because of drunken karaoke. Katie is a hero. Even the window washer wants to marry her (!!!)

52:00: Cue music montage signifying Katie’s quickly growing success, precipitated by one 30 second scene involving Norwegian priests rapping poetic about huge ass. This fucking movie. I’m assuming this is a Jessica Simpson song, which probably explains why there’s a pool of blood on my shoulder, right underneath my left ear. Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate just brought in lil’ Pajiba — he took one look at the screen, expelled some gas, and went on a crying jag. Me too, kiddo. Me too. Hmmm — maybe when’s he’s older, I’ll incorporate Blond Ambition into timeouts. Nah — that’s Guantanamo cruel.

54:30: Katie has been invited to help out on a “very. big. project.” Naturally, she seeks the counsel of PAM, who will clearly try to derail the project. You know what? Jessica Simpson makes Anna Nicole Smith look like fucking Meryl Streep; conversely, Meryl Streep makes Jessica Simpson look like a mentally-challenged blow-up sex doll.

56:00: Ben goes over to Katie’s apartment; they eat a large pizza and then synchronize the unfastening of their jean buttons. Katie’s undies are exposed — you can sort of hear the *boing* of Papa Joe’s erection off-screen.

Now they are … fucking hell. Fucking hell. Fucking hell. Fucking hell. They are line dancing. She is teaching him how to line dance. Line dance. Line dance. Achy fucking breaky motherfucking I hate you all.

58:13: I am crying real tears, people. These are not metaphorical tears. I am weeping actual salt and blood. Maybe a little bit of bile, too.

The toilet in Katie’s apartment is overflowing:

Katie: Did you forget to hold the handle down when you flushed the toilet?

Luke: That might be the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me.

Katie: Giggle.

[Kiss]

60:00: Peepaw shows up at Katie’s apartment unexpectedly. God, Willie; if there were any way to pass a joint through my television screen, I would give a handjob to a rhino for a hit right now.

62:00: PAM sabotages the President of the unspecified company in an unspecified manner; PAM is subsequently voted in as President of the unspecified company. Katie is also revealed as a fraud — you mean she didn’t graduate from Harvard?

66:00: PAM threatens to take away Peepaw’s store unless Katie keeps a lid on it; we also learn that Ben is the son of Larry Miller’s character. Thrilling revelation. I will eat wedding cake out of a hobo’s ass if this movie ends within the next 10 minutes.

68:02: Billy 2.0 tries to get back with Katie. Where the fuck did he come from? Is there some missing sections in this film? Anyway, he uses the presence of an ignorant Peepaw to manipulate the situation and, somehow, in a 14-second scene, Billy has weaseled his way back into the engagement and they’re heading back to whence they came to get wed. This movie could not possibly make less sense if all the lines were delivered by talking spit bubbles.

Luke espies Billy trying to slip Katie the tongue; he looks disgusted. The apocalypse is nigh.

69:33: Ninety seconds later, and in the same motherfucking scene, Peepaw sits Katie down and tries to talk her into staying in NYC, because he had a change of heart precipitated by nothing more than … nothing. I don’t know. He must have fallen off a roof and hit his head while I wasn’t looking. Whatever. Katie suddenly ditches Billy 2.0. This movie contains zero transitions. None. It’s like having a huge craving for Taco Bell, jumping in your car, and driving to a Cracker Barrel.

70:05: You know what it is? Blonde Ambition is, like, every other romantic comedy ever made, only it’s as though they cut out lots of important scenes yet managed to maintain the same running time. It’s like having your cake and choking on it, too.

71:01: I can’t believe it’s only been 71 minutes. I was a level-headed, relatively sane person 71 minutes ago. Now I want to lick my own eyeballs and drink fairy juice.

72:12: Katie is planning to save her boss’ job, as well as her own, but Andy Dick has blocked her from the building. So, she’s going up with the window washer while simultaneously brushing her teeth. I have no fucking idea why she is brushing her teeth. But there you go. I can’t believe this movie actually made $1,190 in theaters. That means, like, 150 people saw this film. That’s 150 people who can no longer string a sentence together. I think I know where they all went, too (Caution: Clicking on hyperlink may cause permanent brain damage).

73:13: Unsurprisingly, Ben is waiting for her outside the boardroom at the unspecified firm. He’s there — in a suit — even though 39 seconds ago, he was outside in his mail room clothes telling Katie he didn’t want anything to do with her. Why did it have to be Owen? He had so much to live for, while Luke — this is what he’s been relegated to?

Unrelated: What happened to the Mighty Mighty Bosstones? “Where did you go …”

75:01: Penny Marshall has a cameo as a board member; ohmygod. There is only one (one) explanation: Luke Wilson must have fucked her against a very hard surface.

76:00: Katie and Ben pitch an idea that has absolutely nothing to do with anything else ever introduced into the movie, western civilization, or human comprehension. They want to turn a boulder into an “Extreme Sports Bonanza.” I still don’t even know what this unspecified company does; in fact, I don’t think that anyone else in this movie does, either. But, apparently, it has something to do with huge rocks and Extreme Sports Bonanzas.

78:03: They’re talking about pirates, eye patches, and water parks and I’m kind of lost. Wow. Blonde Ambition has gone completely over my head. Oh! The boardroom that PAM was talking to was a plant — Katie had set them up to talk to PAM while she won over the actual clients. Oh, Katie: You’re brilliant.

Die.

78:45: PAM calls Katie a deceitful little tramp. Now, PAM and Katie are slapping one another around. Penny Marshall nevertheless agrees to give the “small-town white trash bimbo” the contract. Katie calls PAM a “bitch.” The boardroom erupts into applause. PAM goes dingoshit. Security escorts her away. Andy Dick throws around some bitch slaps. Everybody wins!

83:00: Larry Miller gets his job back.

85:29: Here comes the big kiss: Larry Miller tells his son to “put your arms around her and don’t let go.” A vein in my forehead just popped.

86:07: Katie jumps in a cab. Ben jumps on a scooter. The race is on. He’s gonna drive that scooter into a hole — dollars to donuts … and … there … it … is. Yep! The same hole she fell into in the beginning of the film. Man, I love symmetry.

88:00: Big Kiss! In a hole. God, it’s romantic! Makes me want to shove my tongue into an electric socket just so I can duplicate this warm, mushy filling.

88:52: The obese woman with the thing for Thin Mints (wink wink) is trying to molest Andy Dick. End credits! God Bless Texas. I’m going to go stick my head in a toilet now.

Dustin Rowles is the publisher of Pajiba. He lives with his wife and son in Ithaca, New York. You may email him, or leave a comment below.

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Tumble Outta Bed and Stumble to the Kitchen / Pour Myself a Cup of Fuck You

Blonde Ambition Real-Time Review/ Dustin Rowles

Film | January 16, 2008 | Comments ()




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