Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit. Beer for My Horses is what some might call the shittiest film to ever come out of Oklahoma, but I, for one, am thrilled that a film finally has the guts to portray Oklahomans as they really are instead of trying to “set the record straight.” Now the truth can finally come out about us Okies: We all really do wear cowboy hats, drive trucks, and live in trailer parks — each and every one of us — and it’s such a relief to no longer have to pretend otherwise. With confidence, I can now trade in my monkeyshines for some backwoods moonshine, which will loosen me up enough to admit that, well, we’re all completely racist too. In fact, when we see colored folk, we feel the need to spontaneously rap with them at all costs…. that is, when we’re not singing country songs about lynching them and naming our movies after these same songs! Ain’t that clever, y’all? Now, “clever” ain’t the same as “wise.” Oh, sure, we’ve got universities here, but that’s just so that we can have football teams. To think, silly me, that all this time I’ve been keeping up this facade of an educashun. Well, those shenanigans are done.
Since the dawn of movies, Hollywood has been kindly overestimating their portayal of Oklahomans. Let’s take, for instance, Grapes of Wrath, where the Joad family were ignorant Okie refugees who, despite a healthy work ethic, struggled for survival. Now, they got the “ignorant” part right, but “work ethic”? I don’t think so. Then, there was that Twister nonsense with that Okie storm chaser team. Now, I have no problem with idiot adrenaline junkies who want to drive into the eye of a storm and gather their precious scientific data or whatever, but what chaps me about Twister are those damn patches of rolling hills of lush green landscapes. Oklahoma don’t have trees — it has oil pumps, fool! And, everyone knows that the whole state is as dry as the dust in a mummy’s pocket and, not only did it fall out of the ugly tree, but it hit every branch on the way down. Movies like Twister just fail to capture this repugnance of nature, but they sure as hell got that flying cow part right. Moooooo!
Now that we have that straight, how ‘bout my boy Toby Keith? He’s a downright country singing sensation if there ever was one! Look at the lyrics to this here song, the one he based the film upon:
Grand pappy told my pappy back in my day, son
A man had to answer for the wicked that he’d done
Take all the rope in Texas
Find a tall oak tree, round up all of them bad boys
Hang them high in the street
For all the people to see
Justice is the one thing you should always find
You got to saddle up your boys
You got to draw a hard line
When the gun smoke settles we’ll sing a victory tune
And we’ll all meet back at the local saloon
And we’ll raise up our glasses against evil forces singing
Whiskey for my man, beer for my horses
Now, I’m gonna level with you: If you liked Witless Protection but pined for an Okie twist, then boy howdy will you love Beer for My Horses. This film is produced by Toby Keith, written by Toby Keith (and Rodney Carrington), and stars Toby Keith (and Rodney Carrington)! You just can’t go wrong with that combination. This here is a most excellent western-comedy-roadtrip-adventure, which is a lot like Cannonball Run, only not quite as classy or even half as difficult to wrap your head around. It’s just a knee-slappin’ good time and all about what men are supposed to do — hang out with other men, hunt pigs, drink hard, and have sex with their women folk.
This movie is all about lawmen who are fightin’ evil in a make-believe county of Oklahoma, but, let’s be honest, the place don’t matter none, ‘cause this is probably the most accurate representation of Okies since “Grace Under Fire.” The man in charge, Sheriff Landry (Tom Skerritt) orders his deputies — Rack (Keith), Lonnie (Carrington) and Skunk (guitar and huntin’ legend Ted Nugent, whose name was all over my high school’s bathroom stalls) — to protect some fertilizer tanks and keep druggies from whipping up a few batches of our state crop, methamphetamine. Sure enough, a group of drug trafficking baddies, whose leader, Tito Garza (Greg Serano), comes from Mexico (duh!), show up to steal the stuff, and good ol’ Rack tosses them into the slammer. Well, Tito has a drug lord brother (Carlos Sanz), who is also from Mexico (duh squared!) and is meaner than a skilletful of rattlesnakes. In order to negotiate for Tito’s release, the drug lord tells Rack to plan for death and then kidnaps Rack’s smokin’ hot old lady, Annie (Claire Fortani). Now, don’t you worry about Annie, for Rack means to slay that Mexican dragon, so he, Lonnie, and Skunk make a run for the border. You’ll wish that the trio’s hilarious adventures will never end, especially when they run into the infamous Trailer Choir, which is exactly what it sounds like. See, you don’t gotta think during this movie at all!
Finally, I just cannot say enough good things ‘bout how smart Toby Keith casting himself in the main role, and I was just ticked at a blessed cameo from the sainted country legend Willie Nelson. Plus, I’m pretty sure that that little filly from England, Miss Claire Fortani, is so relieved to move on from romantic love interests like Brad Pitt. Now, mind you, she cannot act to save her life, but, damn, she sure is purty. Speakin’ of which, the women in Beer for My Horses are, just as they should be, mostly seen and not heard. These ladies know their place, which is at home and cookin’ food for their men, and being naturally horizontal, if you know what I mean. And I think you do.
Agent Bedhead is proudly representin’ in Tulsa, Oklahoma and can be found at agentbedhead.com.The Ruse Is Finally Over. Yee-Haw!
Film | August 11, 2008 | Comments ()