Pajiba

Who wants to help me find my grundel? Try to ignore the pie graft.

Nic Cage's hairpiece can be linked to colon cancer, flat soda, canker sores, melting ice caps, fender benders, The War of the Roses (both the movie and the conflict), and my waning libido.

And I'm not feeling limber today, so I'll just use the rusty scissors on my favorite part of my anatomy (NO, not my pinkie toe) and curse the day I found this site.

I do love a story with a happy ending.

But I'll be skipping this crap anyway.

Wooo! Detroit! I met that bitch the mayor was pie grafting. She won a child's bike at the Fire Department's Zoo Day and she kept it. Also, bitch be uglier than Kwame's Momma. And ain't nobody uglier than Kwame's Momma.

perineum's the word

I was checking out the new movie trailers on Apple's site the other day and I clicked on "Knowing," which I hadn't heard of. Seeing the trailer page though, I decided that it didn't look like it was worth my time to actually watch the trailer.

It was then that my girlfriend pointed out to me that the only difference between the image on the Apple Trailers homepage and the trailer page itself was that the words "Nicolas Cage" had appeared above the title. Assuming everything he does will be a steaming pile of shit has become such second nature to me that I didn't even realize I'd done it.

According to Miranda from Sex & The City it's Latin for "Not without a wedding ring".

We're not back on the quid pro quo oral sex negotiating here, are we?

Or is it as the song says: Not back on it, still on it ?

Not that there's great strategic value in the location, if you ask me. I always have to stop and think and make sure I don't use the word "frenulum". Big difference.

(or else...what the hell was Miranda talking about? I'm trying to put myself in the right mindset here)

so, no sequel?

Oh, Withnail, you're so naive and adorable.

BOO! HISS! Bring back the first review.

I am in love with anything that might bring to the forefront of American society the idea of Taints and Taint related projects. I think America is about to go through a sea change regarding taints. A taint change.

Seriously - it was major funny.

Julie! I'll help you out, if you're still going to the Khyber today. 5pm, right?

Estelle, I'll be at the khyber as well. I'm wearing an orange shirt with a turtle on it and will be nursing an ice cold budweiser; you can't miss me. Oh, and I'll be sitting next to Julie.

Sweet. I'm wearing a jean skirt and some sort of t-shirt with black Chucks. I've got short hair and a twinkle in my eye. Meet you soon, ladies!

Reading this "review" is much akin to sitting through the movie, I'm sure.

What would be really non-traditional of you is actually reviewing a movie.

Still, anytime something makes me think of "Taint My Wagon" and "Taint Misbehavin'" and see David Cross hallucinitorily tell me I'm on top of the world, I'm happy.

"I've got a five-inch taint."

Nic Cage's hairpiece can be linked to colon cancer, flat soda, canker sores, melting ice caps, fender benders, The War of the Roses (both the movie and the conflict), and my waning libido.

And I'm not feeling limber today, so I'll just use the rusty scissors on my favorite part of my anatomy (NO, not my pinkie toe) and curse the day I found this site.



I'm declaring a Pajibal Emergency! Julie's losing her libido and cutting off her nose with rusty scissors! If this actually happens I predict our level of depravity and/or humour will take a long-term 20% hit. All you Philly-pajibans, work up some kind of intervention, preferably a bar crawl that nobody can remember. Remember, post pictures and/or footage for future morale boosts! Stay with us, Jules, don't do anything you'll regret later!

Please, go back to the short version of the review! That was great - this self-mutilation crap is only mildly funny, while the quickie was much better.

Literally laugh out loud funny. Priceless.

P.S. Sorry we are collectively responsible for your seeing crap like this. I feel that you all give so much just so that we readers have something to comment on and that if we weren't here, the collective suckitude of all the Date Movies, Captivitys, and Epic Movies would have caused you to cut back on what Pajiba reviews long ago. So here's to taking one for the team, and here's an apology.

And on another note - is it totally horrible that your spoiler alert made me ask myself "well now why did he shoot himself in the head? ::curiosity piqued::" No worries, though. Then I realized that I did not in fact care why he shot himself and that Nicolas Cage hasn't made a decent picture since Adaptation. and it's virtually impossible that he still needs to do crappy movies for the paycheck because he's already done SO MANY OF THEM. Dude needs a financial planner so that this crap stops getting inflicted on the public and he can start making each paycheck stretch farther. It's called Top Ramen. It's super cheap, Mr. Cage. It'll save you so much money.

Well, I saw the Pang brother's original version of Bangkok Dangerous last year, and saw their remake with Cage today. I liked the remake more. Cage has made some truly shitty films; Leaving Las Vegas, Captain Corelli's Mandolin, The Wicker Man, City of Angels to name a few. However, he does not deserve the level of bile directed at him on such a consistent plane. Granted, Dustin hates geeks and Cage is a self-proclaimed comic book, trashy action film, and science fiction geek. This could partially explain the directed venom.

Much better, Dustin.

Now just put the rest of the review back beneath the lead and it will be perfect.

Well, I saw the Pang brother's original version of Bangkok Dangerous last year

I was hoping this wasn't a remake of that. As a huge fan of the Pang Brothers' non-English output, this is disheartening. Way to kill a directing pair's career without even releasing one of their own films in the country, Hollywood.

No, The Messengers doesn't count.

I....I'm so confused....There was a long review? Then a short review? Then the long one came back? Then back to this short one?

Ah well, at least we know the film has a happy ending. And something to do with a taint...I guess?

Julie, sweetie, I do hope your libido isn't broken. It sure does liven the place up!

If you indeed saw the movie, no pity for you. It's a free country and your decision to assault your face with Nic Cage crap is self-imposed (job/rep as a blogger notwithstanding).
Suicide Mullett. Ha.

mind you, the question is then begged: do lots of men say "NOW you're gonna do it, honey! We had a deal!"?
Posted by: Jay

You'll have to ask Che. I curse the day I made that deal with him... I gotta admit, though; it's only fair after all his Magellanesque explorations of my Special Valley.

Oh, wait. Wrong thread.

BarbadoSlim . . . it's right . . . BEHIND YOU!

I do not like it. I will not stand for it. We shall stand on the hilltops of America and shout out until our lungs become hoarse:

"BRING BACK THE TAINT REVIEW! BRING BACK THE TAINT REVIEW!"

...it's insane, this guy's taint!

Ghost Rider was a perfect comic book movie. Not an action movie pretending to be a comic book movie.

Ghost Rider was a perfect comic book movie. Not an action movie pretending to be a comic book movie.

Posted by: Adam C at September 5, 2008 9:30 PM
------------------------------------------------

I'm gonna have to disagree with that.

By that standard then the Fantastic Four movies would symbolize perfection, no fucking way.

The Spiderman 1, 2 and 3, were good comic book movies; Hellboy, is a good comic book movie; Ben Affleck's (he was da' bomb in Phantoms yo')Daredevil, was a passable comic book movie; 300 was an excellent graphic novel adaptation and so was Sin City.

Ghost Rider, on the other hand, was just Nic Cage at his most affected, hammiest and most annoying "method."

Damn! this had 'sequel' written all over its rotting entrails!

Damndamndamn.

Do you think the suicide is an allegory for Nic Cage's career? Or perhaps symbolic of how well he knows that he's become nothing but a running joke about bad hair, and he's putting himself (and the world) out of his misery?

I'd like to think so.

Apologies, Adam C. I just have a strong distaste hatred for Ghost Rider. Shouldn't have questioned your comic book cred.

But seriously... that movie bloooows.

BSlim I think your hair comment is the funniest fuckin thing I've seen on here all week. Thanks for amusing me you crazy motorboatin freak

"...it might be like that hairpiece from that Simpsons' Treehouse of Horror episode. You know?"

Posted by: monkey_b at September 6, 2008 4:32 AM

Hair like that makes one seem....unusually focused.

Put...THA BUNNEH....bawk...in...tha bawks....

AHAHAHAHA! figgy, my carpet fucking hates you, but I love you.

Dustin...... YOUR A LAZY MOTHERFUCKER!!!!

If it makes you more comfortable I'll start calling it "Steak With a Moustache"

Oh Sofia. Will you please, please join me in sweet, government-recognized domestic partnership? I warn you, I am a vegetarian, but I'll gladly become a meat-eater if only you'll be mine.

P.S. I get to be the top.

Mella,

I'll be proud to join you in our sweet, government-recognized domestic partnership. Vegetarians, omnivores, meat-eaters... Everyone is welcome. As long as they recognize that the Mystique Shell is superior to Mr. Turkey Neck. The Leather Needle is just hanging for everyone to see. No mystique. Or however you spell it. I'm too drunk to funtion right now.

And you can be on top as long as you cuddle with me for at least five minutes afterwards. (I get to be inside the spoon)

jM, HELLS yeah.

Sorry about the carpet!

bangkok, no, bangcunt, yes.

that, was awesome.

Put...THA BUNNEH....bawk...in...tha bawks....

Posted by: figgylicious

Fig, I just read this today and it has kept me laughing nonstop. Thank you.

the review was too kind. seriously, any flick freak must see this abomination. it could be your chance to see " the worst movie ever made ". we are talking serious history here.