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Where’s Ben Affleck When You Need Him?


Australia / Daniel Carlson

Film Reviews | November 28, 2008 | Comments (97)


Australia is as big, lumbering, vast, dry, and aimless as the catch-all title would lead you to believe. The fourth film from writer-director Baz Luhrmann is the one where his ambition finally got the best of him, when his desire to tell an all-encompassing story buckled under the weight of cloying grandiosity, wildly uneven tonalities, and just plain old bad writing. Luhrmann has always been a transformer: He takes the story and passes it through his own unique style and verve until it becomes something bigger and weirder and often more engaging than it may have once appeared on paper. Nobody figured that putting the Montagues and Capulets in Hawaiian shirts would really work, or that having Ewan McGregor fall in love with Nicole Kidman inside an elephant’s head would be transportive, but it did, and it was, and that was thanks to Luhrmann’s confidence and skill. But Australia replaces his reach with egomania, and his ability to walk a tightrope between genres with a desperate grab at any story that walks by. The best that can be said for it is that at least it’s a beautiful failure.

Set primarily in 1939, the film opens with a brief title crawl that hints at the trouble ahead, as text on the screen spells out how the chunk of Australia referred to as “The Territory” was a place of adventure and romance; and how after Pearl Harbor was bombed, the Japanese turned their ships south to bomb Darwin, Australia; and how aboriginal children at the time were taken from their parents and assimilated by the government into white society, and how they were later referred to as “the lost generations.” And these are just the few paragraphs on screen before anything has actually happened. The film then shifts to a typical (for Luhrmann) blur of plot points and introduction and rapidly spouted exposition, most of which is narrated by Nullah (Brandon Walters), a half-white, half-aboriginal boy who serves as a kind of chorus for the story. The basic shakedown is this: King Carney (Bryan Brown) owns most of the land and cattle and stands to make a profit selling it to the army, but the lone holdout against him is Faraway Downs, a ranch owned by Lady Sarah Ashley (Kidman) and her husband, who reside in England. Sarah flies to the country to check up on a business deal her husband is trying to make, and upon landing she meets the Drover (Hugh Jackman), a cowboy who’s done some work for her husband and agrees to ferry her — in one of the films many, many traveling sequences — out to Faraway Downs in exchange for work droving cattle up to Darwin.

If the film can be said to have a main plot, that’s it: In order to save Faraway Downs, Sarah and the Drover team up with a few other riders and Nullah to push the cattle north to Darwin and collect payment. But Luhrmann ambles in so many other directions, and in so many erractic fits and starts, that even now, only two hours after leaving the theater, I’m having trouble identifying any single sequence or story in order. Part of the problem is that Luhrmann set out to make a romantic epic mixed with historical fiction mixed with weird treatise on race relations, and as such the film never feels remotely settled on what it wants to be. Every scene or line makes sense within the context of the previous five minutes (at most), but examining the film on a bigger scale makes the whole thing look disjointed and confused. At one point on the cattle drive, Sarah looks from her tent to see the Drover lathering his bare chest before dumping a bucket of water over his head to rinse off, the whole thing shown in the kind of goofy slow-motion that does as much to highlight Luhrmann’s desire to have the viewer understand his self-awareness as it does Sarah’s burgeoning lust for the cowboy.

As the cattle drive gives way to other plots, it becomes increasingly clear that Luhrmann’s film isn’t going to be about anything other than itself. One of the other story threads involves tensions between whites and indigenous Australians, and it’s handled with a lack of grace borne of the fact that it doesn’t gel at all with the larger narrative. Luhrmann’s shortcoming isn’t that he whiplashes from comedy to melodrama and back again; if anything, it’s that ability to elicit laughter and pain so close to each other that defines his earlier, better work. Rather, it’s the way Luhrmann can’t find a way to genuinely integrate the love story and the racial strife. Romeo + Juliet and Moulin Rouge both had at their center a story of love against the odds, and everything else that happened spun out from that. But Australia jumps between parallel stories, both running forward but never touching, and the result is a film that’s constantly trying to be one thing while not forgetting the other.

Luhrmann has rounded up just about every even slightly recognizable Australian actor for the film, but it’s his leads that ultimately make and break the film. Jackman is ridiculously charismatic and could hit all the notes required of the Drover — arrogant swagger, lovelorn, adventurous, etc. — without even trying that hard. He’s likable and handsome, which is all the role requires of him. Kidman, meanwhile, is beginning to be hamstrung by her increasingly taut and drawn appearance, so much so that it’s overriding whatever work she puts into her character. David Wenham, as an employee of King Carter out to swindle Sarah and steal Faraway Downs for himself, gives the best performance because it never feels like the campy overacting everyone else is flirting with. And the scenery is gorgeous, lovingly photographed by a man writing a misguided love letter to his homeland.

“In the end, the only thing you own is your story. I’m just trying to live a good one,” the Drover tells Sarah not long after they meet in a moment of typically obfuscating and not-that-smart dialogue. Unfortunately, Luhrmann is trying to live too many stories. He’s made romantic melodramas before, but none that wind up feeling this fabricated and deep-down phony. By the time the bombing of Darwin rolls around — as the prologue said it would — the film takes on regrettable shades of Pearl Harbor, becoming a turgid soap stuck in the middle of an actual tragedy. (The ballad over the closing credits, sung by Elton John but with lyrics by Luhrmann, does nothing to lessen the comparison.) Which is a shame, because Luhrmann’s proven he’s more than capable of telling love stories full of humor and sadness and enjoyable characters. I just hope he hasn’t forgotten how.

Daniel Carlson is the managing editor of Pajiba and a low-level employee at a Hollywood industry magazine. You can visit his blog, Slowly Going Bald.


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Comments

Well, shit.

Posted by: Goldie at November 28, 2008 9:53 PM

So - having seen it, can you tell us if the rumors that they had to use CGI to animate Nicole Kidman's face are true? That's really the only interest I have in this film.

Posted by: Edith at November 28, 2008 9:59 PM

Nice job on the review, but it's a pity the film doesn't live up to its potential, I was genuinely hoping this would be better. Well written, too, but perhaps I'm overly appreciative given as this is the only holiday new posting - and where's EE, dammit! I need my best-of-the-crazy tryptophan to get me into the weekend!

Posted by: lordhelmet at November 28, 2008 9:59 PM

One question. Well, two. Is Nick Cave in it? And, what about Guy Pearce?

Seems to me from the trailers that Nicole Kidman's voice is dubbed. I know it's not, but it has that strange otherworldly quality, which made me nervous about the film.

Then I saw the bombing sequence and I thought wtf? It's reminds me of the weird turn that Memoirs of a Geisha took.

I really wanted to see this and enjoy it. Soft spot for Hugh Jackman aside, I'm usually a huge fan of all things Australian. Bernard Fanning, anyone? But, oh well. At least there's no singing, right? Please tell me I'm right.

Posted by: songbird at November 28, 2008 10:05 PM

Damn...that seems to be the general consensus on this movie: trying too damned hard to be Gone With the Wind, and failing miserably. Also that it feels like it's 500 hours long. Too bad. I like Luhrmann, but it looks like he believed too much in his own hype. I hate when they do that.

I crave EE. And my PajibaLove. MY LIFE FEELS SO EMPTY.

Posted by: figgy at November 28, 2008 10:32 PM

Awwww. I liked it...

Posted by: ciji at November 28, 2008 10:36 PM

I suspect part of the problem is that, unlike the Red Curtain Trilogy, Baz didn't work with his former writing partner Craig Pearce while writing Australia. Too bad, because I love me some over the top but still watchable Baz produced work.

Posted by: telesilla at November 28, 2008 10:39 PM

I found the film to be enjoyable and the runtime didn't exhaust me as much as I thought it would.

Posted by: Kevin Longrie at November 28, 2008 10:45 PM

Where's Ben Affleck When You Need Him?
Many people are discussing it at wealthy dating club (*^__^*)... W e a l t h y B e a u t y . c o m ...(*^__^*) where the successful and affluent singles and hot girls and models to hook up for Hot Love, Flirt and Sexy Dating!

Posted by: lawerence at November 28, 2008 11:06 PM

God I love coconut skrimps.

Posted by: Pookie at November 28, 2008 11:15 PM

Where's Ben Affleck When You Need Him?
Many __squid__ are discussing it at wealthy __yodeling__ club (*fuck you*)... S p a m B o t s H a v e T i n y C o c k s . c o m ...(*you're a cunt*) where the __retarded__ and affluent singles and hot __donkeys__ and __spacecheese__ to hook up for Hot Love, Flirt, and __Heavy Flatulence__!

Posted by: Snath at November 28, 2008 11:20 PM

Well shucks... I was hoping this movie would be fun or at least intriguing. But I'm sure it'd be better on the big screen as opposed to home viewing. Hmmm... I'll probably forget about it.

Also, are the spambots evolving??? Seriously. Mr. "lawerence" answered your question Dan and that's kind of creepy.

Pookie coconut shrimp is delicious. With marmalade sauce. Hell yes.

Posted by: Kayanne at November 28, 2008 11:23 PM

Pretty much what I figured it would be.

On a happy note, the Botox has finally worn off enough so that Nicole can actually smile without looking like The Joker.

Posted by: admin at November 28, 2008 11:25 PM

I will eat anything with marmalade sauce on it Kayanne.

Posted by: Pookie at November 28, 2008 11:35 PM

I'm not saying this is gay...buuuuut maybe taking it up the butt is less uuuuh, gay than this.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at November 28, 2008 11:36 PM

Pookie, I have a proposal for you.

Posted by: admin at November 28, 2008 11:36 PM

I will eat anything with marmalade sauce on it Kayanne.

Oh reeeeeally?

Posted by: Kayanne at November 28, 2008 11:50 PM

Thanks admin, but no thanks.

Posted by: Pookie at November 28, 2008 11:50 PM

Hell Kayanne, you don't even have to put sauce on it.

Posted by: Pookie at November 28, 2008 11:54 PM

Oh, Pookie, I bet you say that to all the girls!

Posted by: Kayanne at November 28, 2008 11:56 PM

Well then....

Liar, liar pants on fire.

Posted by: admin at November 29, 2008 12:00 AM

In between the blast of pepper spray, I say that and much more.

Posted by: Pookie at November 29, 2008 12:01 AM

Don't be jealous, admin! Pookie shows his love in different ways.

Posted by: Kayanne at November 29, 2008 12:03 AM

In between the blast of pepper spray, I say that and much more.

You give up your right to remain silent? Wouldn't your lawyer advise against that for you?

Posted by: Kayanne at November 29, 2008 12:05 AM

When I first saw the trailer I thought it didn't seem to have much of a plot. Thanks for confirming. Pass

Posted by: Austin at November 29, 2008 12:06 AM

Well played, snath. Are you the last EE entry for this week or the first for next week?

Posted by: bucdaddy at November 29, 2008 12:26 AM

Well, expected as much. Baz Luhrmann kinda turned me off on interviews with his inflated self worth, though I have a fond spot for Moulin Rouge. Sometime a work come out good despite of the source, almost.

And what up with the shrimp love non-sequitur drama? Did I miss something or people have too much time? Or maybe I'm just a loveless loon out for making doubles and have no freakin' right to any of above assessments.

Just another day in my self-complete life, then.

Posted by: yocean at November 29, 2008 12:35 AM

Don't be jealous, admin! Pookie shows his love in different ways.

I know Kayanne. There's the fruit bowl, the gonzo goggles and the ever popular gonads on glass.

I knew this girl who saw it once. She's blind now and has taken a vow of celibacy.

Poor thing, she still wakes up crying.

Posted by: admin at November 29, 2008 12:46 AM

Any chance Luhrmann mixed in a little AC/DC in there to complete the Australian smorgasboard?

I get the feeling that this movie is less subtle about its intentions that Transporter 3.

Posted by: Fredo at November 29, 2008 1:06 AM

Yeah - thought as much. Here in the eponymous country you cannot turn around at the moment without seeing Hugh's or Nicole's faces looking all - gah. I don't know what. Attempt-at-iconic? Whatever.

My fellow aussies have spoken and they have said: "meh". We don't take kindly to over-hyped things being shoved down down our throats (not unless that's your thing, anyway).

Posted by: Oztraylienne at November 29, 2008 3:18 AM

I wasn't sure i wanted to see this anyway. I love Baz Lurhman. I mean i really love Baz Lurhman, he makes films like i'd like too, but this just looked to me like....remember how when Oliver Stone made Alexander? How maybe if he'd entirely left out ANY of his typical chaotic fair, the dreams and fantasies, that weird, bad cgi rainbow bird it might have been okay? Or indeed if he'd gone Oliver Stone on that shit and made it more like we're used to from the man, more like Natural Born Killers, it might just have been so mind blowingly awesome that your eyeballs fell out?
But then he made a straight film with a teaspoon full of Stone-ness and it made you go 'jigga what?!'
This looked like that to me. Like Baz Lurhman was going to make a straight film with none of his fantastically LSD like seqiences and colour and madness... not to mention Nicole Kidman is Like Angelina Jolie to me, she's IMO, nothing like as attractive as people think, she's got a..slyness to her that i dont trust and god DAMN IT, the woman cant act and never could!!

I love Moulin Rouge, but one thing that strikes me watching it, watching HER is that while Ewan made Christian his own, Lequizamo OWNED Tolouse like no one else could, etc, ANYONE could have played Satine. Nicole brought nothing special or new to the role, imo, not to mention she cant fucking SING.
I honestly think Baz keeps hiring her because she's australian and that is basically it. She's the most high profile Australian star in the states.

Plus these days i'd swear she's carved of wax

Posted by: nadine at November 29, 2008 4:36 AM

I wasn't sure i wanted to see this anyway. I love Baz Lurhman. I mean i really love Baz Lurhman, he makes films like i'd like too, but this just looked to me like....remember how when Oliver Stone made Alexander? How maybe if he'd entirely left out ANY of his typical chaotic fair, the dreams and fantasies, that weird, bad cgi rainbow bird it might have been okay? Or indeed if he'd gone Oliver Stone on that shit and made it more like we're used to from the man, more like Natural Born Killers, it might just have been so mind blowingly awesome that your eyeballs fell out?
But then he made a straight film with a teaspoon full of Stone-ness and it made you go 'jigga what?!'
This looked like that to me. Like Baz Lurhman was going to make a straight film with none of his fantastically LSD like seqiences and colour and madness... not to mention Nicole Kidman is Like Angelina Jolie to me, she's IMO, nothing like as attractive as people think, she's got a..slyness to her that i dont trust and god DAMN IT, the woman cant act and never could!!

I love Moulin Rouge, but one thing that strikes me watching it, watching HER is that while Ewan made Christian his own, Lequizamo OWNED Tolouse like no one else could, etc, ANYONE could have played Satine. Nicole brought nothing special or new to the role, imo, not to mention she cant fucking SING.
I honestly think Baz keeps hiring her because she's australian and that is basically it. She's the most high profile Australian star in the states.

Plus these days i'd swear she's carved of wax

Posted by: nadine at November 29, 2008 4:37 AM

sorryabout the double post, the internet went all funny on me


it think its the mist that surrounds my house today. It's dense and thick and making me think of the film and whether i'm gonna have to...um...spoiler, kill all the survivors including my (at this point imaginary) son to sav them from the monsters only minutes before we're rescued

Posted by: nadine at November 29, 2008 4:42 AM

They were actually the "stolen generations", not the "lost generations".

Posted by: Victoria at November 29, 2008 5:24 AM

Shame, I was looking forward to this...

Posted by: Pants at November 29, 2008 5:38 AM

I'm sad. I really wanted this to be good. When I saw Moulin Rouge I wanted to live in that movie. It was the same way I felt when I saw Almost Famous, it transported you into this different time and place that you really didn't wanna leave when it was all over.

I'll just say this, in my opinion, Nicole Kidman was perfect for the role of Satine.

Posted by: becks at November 29, 2008 10:54 AM

Something about Nicole Kidman makes me very, very angry. If she and I had gone to school together, I would have beaten her to a pulp every other Wednesday after Economics class.

I don't know why.

Posted by: Cletus at November 29, 2008 1:12 PM

Little-known fact: Nicole actually died in a car wreck shortly after filming Practical Magic. These days, Jan Svankmajer actually uses stop-motion animation techniques and a wax figure he stole from Madame Tussauds to create the illusion that she's still among the living.

Posted by: Girlnone at November 29, 2008 3:14 PM

Hahaha nadine that was hilarious. I was actually enjoying that movie up until the very end when he was "rescued."

Posted by: Snath at November 29, 2008 4:05 PM

I agree with every word of this review, but yet somehow I just really enjoyed it. There were several points during the movie when I went "how long IS this movie?" It felt, DURING it at several points, like it had been going on for hours and hours. It just crammed a lot in and was very disjointed, like it was 3 movies. But it kept moving, and kept my interest for the most part. I also forgot how funny Nicole Kidman can be, although I wish she hadn't injected her way out of all facial expressions. (The kiss scenes were the most hilarious, you could see her thinking "ok, are we kissing yet? I can't feel my lips."

Posted by: Abbey Road at November 29, 2008 6:35 PM

Cletis - I feel you. Something about Kidman just gives me an violent urge to slap the smirk right off her botoxed face.

But, then there's Jackman, and his shirt is off? Oh, God. I may need to see this....

Posted by: Lori at November 29, 2008 7:36 PM

okay granted I haven't seen it so my 2c isn't even worth that but WHYY kidman? I don't think she's bad in everything but I wish Baz had picked Cate Blanchett for this- she can do the english rose thing but also has some passion and rawness that kidman just... doesn't.

Posted by: SAS at November 29, 2008 7:42 PM

Ben Whofleck?

Posted by: Rubble44 at November 29, 2008 8:19 PM

As an Australian, I am glad this movie is fucking out. The amount of ads for this was god-damn ridiculous.

I went and saw it at a premiere as I had free tickets because no-body can pass up free shit; most of the movie theatre was cativated by the overblown spectacle that was this movie. It was like when you go see a crap movie, you know it's crap and the rest of the theatre thinks its crap, you laugh at all the cringe worthy parts. Thats what this whole movie was like.

I think the best review was from the guy sitting beside me, he fell asleep 20 minutes in and snored for the rest of it.

Posted by: badhatharry at November 29, 2008 9:24 PM

I think they should change the name of this movie it is a little preposterous to name a movie after a country. I was thinking it should be called "Cows on a Boat".

I think the only Australian actor not in this movie was the Beaver from the Kotex ads.

Here is a link to a real Australian
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0RjC-vh06_c

Posted by: caity at November 29, 2008 9:32 PM

Oh, sweet zombie jesus. Caity, why did you have to post that? I'm moving to Sydney in a week and now I'm....afraid....

I can't say I'm too surprised about the review. I don't know what it's been like in the States, but this movie has been so over-hyped here it's ridiculous. You can't open a newspaper without a massive, glossy 100 page Tourism Australia/Baz Lurhman joint advertising manifesto falling onto your nether regions and rendering you infertile.

I'm already heartily sick of Nicole Kidmans wax-face and breathy baby voice and the movie has only just opened.

Posted by: Ali at November 29, 2008 10:12 PM

badhatharry I don't like Australians because every chance you guys get you fuck over the aborigines. I hope this movie fails because Kidman is a cold cunt and Jackman acts like a closeted queen who likes to make money by doing musicals. Jackman was named sexiest man alive because some of his big monied Hollywood friends owed money to the Russian mob, and the only way his friends could pay the debt off was to name him the sexiest man alive thereby keeping the Australian/Russian mob alliance together.

Posted by: Pookie at November 29, 2008 10:23 PM

Well, I liked it. I thought there was a lot of beauty in it, and I really enjoyed myself. I can't say that I thought it was going to see something other than what it was, a large spectacle. And why should the plot be simple to explain, anyway?

Posted by: Doom at November 29, 2008 10:40 PM

I'm from Australia and saw Australia the other day and i have to say i agree with pretty much everything in this article.

It wasn't as bad as sometimes panned by critics, but the whole narrative part was kind of ruined by really having a huge plot curve finishing all happily, and THEN they introduce the second story arc. Ugh. Entertaining, but not really up to his previous work (I think strictly ballroom was one of his bests). Thanks for the "i actually understand the sections of how a movie works" review!

Posted by: Kaija at November 29, 2008 11:13 PM

Pookie - wonderful to know we have an expert on Australian history in the house. And in case you didn't get it - that was my sarcastic typing. Don't talk about shit you don't understand and make sweeping statements about people based on misguided/wrong decisions that were made over two hundred years by those in power. We're not all racist, we're not all thick-as-shit sheep living in a bubble and the majority of us do give a damn.

Sometimes it behooves us to run things through our head before we place out fingers on the keyboard. Think on it.

Posted by: marblefrog at November 30, 2008 12:15 AM

marblefrog are you trying to tell me that the Russian mob don't influence Hollywood? Every goddam time I see some shit about Australia, I see the aborigines portrayed as savages with fucking bones in their noses. This might be a shock to you and other white people, but before whitey set foot on any continent, that continent was doing just fine. But that was too good for whitey, whitey had to control shit to make himself feel good. The European was crawling around caves while the brown man was mastering mathematics and science. Go pick up a history book and if you're truthful with yourself you will admit that whitey fucked this planet up. In the history books it mentions the Mothership and it's return to take the black man to his true home, then you can have this fucking planet, you and the sodomites. Fuck Hugh Jackman, I hope Wolverine is a box office disaster. If I were starving I wouldn't set foot in the Outback steak house to save my life.

Posted by: Pookie at November 30, 2008 1:12 AM

It amuses me that someone got annoyed at what (one of) the official Pajiba troll(s) said. I remember seeing the trailer for this aaaages ago and laughing out loud at the arrogance of someone who would actually name their movie after an entire country, as if it could somehow represent what we're all about.

also, I kind of agree with what marblefrog said in that people really do need to get over the aboriginal thing. It's over and done with now, and aboriginals as a community tend to have an inflated sense of entitlement because of their "whitey" enablers. There's plenty of great aboriginal people out there who actually make a contribution to society, but you wouldn't know it because all people ever talk about is the loser alcoholics and the chromers up in the NT.

Posted by: Chugga at November 30, 2008 2:34 AM

Chugga you are a real piece of work, I'm not surprised you agree with marbles. I hope the both of you get fucked in the ass by a wild band of dingos. Don't nobody give a fuck about Australia, with your wig wearing judges and your fucked up surfing waves. What is Australia's contribution to the world? I couldn't think of anything either, chigga please!

Posted by: Pookie at November 30, 2008 2:58 AM

You're full of shit Pookie! I am the only contribution Australia has ever needed to make!

Posted by: Chugga at November 30, 2008 4:28 AM

Pookie not that I don't mind you dissing my country, but is it your special time of the month? You seem more bitchy and snarky then usual. Did you need to have a lie down and an asprin?

Posted by: badhatharry at November 30, 2008 5:01 AM

Hang on - was I dreaming when I saw that this movie was titled 'Baz Lurhmann's Australia'?

Am I the only one that found that to just about be the most annoying thing so far?

I can't wait to see the exploding cows.

I'll be waiting on my fucked up wave with my judge wig on, getting molested by roving bands of wig wearing boogie board riding dingoes. With marmelade.

That's this Australian's contribution to the world.

Posted by: Peecat at November 30, 2008 5:24 AM

This is not the first time I've been attacked by a bunch of homo foreigners. In the midnight hour when the wolves are at the door and you can't press on, fight like a patriot until your last drop of blood is spilled. You fucking Australians come over here and fuck our broads and dine on our tasty waves and walk around town like you guys own the fucking place. You sons of bitches better hope Obama don't make me Ambassador to Australia, because if he does I'm going to come over there and get your ladies high and fuck them on the beach. That's why ya'll punk ass ain't in the United Nations.

Posted by: Pookie at November 30, 2008 8:26 AM

This is all so delightfully surreal.

Posted by: Gabs at November 30, 2008 9:16 AM

Am I only one who saw the words fight like a patriot and was reminded of the movie The Patriot? Y'know, the one with Mel Gibson and Heath Ledger as leads?

Posted by: Goldie at November 30, 2008 10:25 AM

The Nicole Kidman seal of suck guarantees this won't recover 10% of the money that was invested on it. The investors are screwed.

WHO KEEPS GIVING THIS WOMAN WORK!!?!?!

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at November 30, 2008 10:47 AM

Oh god don't get me started on that jew hating Gibson, I won't say anything negative against Ledger because I like him, but not in a man-pipe type of way. I like the characters he plays in movies. I won't let none of these foreigners stop my American steed from running in my heart of joy. I'm not long for this world, so I must at every point defend against a turmoil of nations being on a downward spiral to a hellish lake of fire.

Posted by: Pookie at November 30, 2008 10:56 AM

Just sticking my head out of the foxhole to say I thought Australia's contribution to the world was Foster's Lager, though I'm sure they (snickering) keep the REALLY good beers to themselves. Just like I'm sure they (snickering) send us Nicole Kidman and keep the REALLY hot women to themselves.

*ducks for cover again*

Oh, Mrs. Daddy thinks Australia's contribution to the world is Ingo Rademacher.

*ducks for cover again again*

Posted by: bucdaddy at November 30, 2008 11:44 AM

Or maybe it's Jacko ...

In any case, please forgive Pookie, when he was a baby a dingo ate him.

True story. You may have heard about it.

*ducks for cover again again again*

Posted by: bucdaddy at November 30, 2008 12:15 PM

Well then allow me to retort, I don't have anything against the Australian peoples. I just believe they fucked over the Aborigines, the beer is horrible, the food sucks, and the dope is overrated. Mad Max was the only good movie to come out of that Waspy hell hole. Now contrast that with America; the food is out of this world, the beer is good, and we make the best movies in the world. And the dope, the dope you ask, the dope is goddam Bananas!

Posted by: Pookie at November 30, 2008 12:31 PM

Wasn't Australia like some prison colony for Elizabethan era gangbangers (swordrattlers ?) and shit?

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at November 30, 2008 12:38 PM

What exactly is American cuisine anyway Pookie? Are you referring to the USA's interpretation of every other country's food? Last time I was in the States all you seemed to have was Panda Express, Domino's and sushi.

May I also add that your beer is for pussies, you fucked over the Native American peoples, you make movies like Beverly Hills Chihuahua, Twilight and High School Musical and then love them so much that they sit at number one for weeks and you're all obese. You must be smoking good dope though if you actually think America is that great.

I actually really like the USA as much as Australia but I just wanted to point out that all of the countries have their problems so maybe everyone should just try and get along.

Posted by: Point of Fact at November 30, 2008 2:04 PM

Listen Point-of-fact, if I offer you my hand and you push it away, that is not the sign of friendship. Yes, America has fucked over people, but they had it coming, them fucking Indians scalping motherfuckers and shit. And don't get me started on them squaws, I dated one of them one time and she started talking shit to me about some money after our date. You talk about beef, we got the best beef in the world, not like that kangaroo meat. As far as our arts and entertainment is concerned, we are beyond comparison. When ya'll elect an Aborigines as President, let me know. If another country wanted to put their foot up Australia's ass, what would you all do? I'll tell you, you'd come running to Big Poppa. And yes, we can all get along.

Posted by: Pookie at November 30, 2008 2:41 PM

USA! USA! USA!


We beat your asses in WW2 and we can do it again!

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at November 30, 2008 2:53 PM

Show me an Indigenous Australian who gets close enough to be Prime Minister, and maybe by then you'll have a Native American who could be President. Sadly for you perhaps, an African American is not the same as a Native American.

Posted by: Goldie at November 30, 2008 3:01 PM

The Dingo ate my baby!!

Posted by: Empress of All the Russias at November 30, 2008 5:11 PM

If these comments had Hugh Jackman taking his shirt off, I could definitely see this as an adequate replacement for this movie.

Posted by: duckandcover at November 30, 2008 5:16 PM

Pookie-
See the movie Rabbit Proof Fence
Read the book English Passengers

Only two things I have ever experienced that had aboriginal characters who were portrayed as fully realized human beings.

But, you have to lay off Hugh Jackman. He's super gorgeous for a white man.

And even more, you have to lay off the Native American slander or this mixed race Black-Navajo-Chinese-Mexican bitch is going to get crazy on your ass.

Posted by: Martika at November 30, 2008 6:01 PM

Sorry... we as Australians are sooo sorry for this shit that has been thrown onto cinema screens everywhere. The reason why you haven't seen many Australia history movies is because we are, frankly, embarrassed of our history. From Fosters beer, convict colonies to The Stolen Generation - its all embarrassing.
On another note though, when I heard that the movie wasn't doing well in the US, I came up with an ingenious plan.... Re-name it America. Americans are so far into themselves that if they think its about them - they will see it. Flags flying and all.
Oh and P.S. Nicole Kidman is not Australian so do not apologise for her.

Posted by: Seraf at November 30, 2008 6:09 PM

I make no apologies for Australia's history, nor am I embarassed by it. I was not there and had nothing to do with it, and Rudd's bullshit apology did not speak for me in any way. Pookie considering that Americans are widely known for have the worst piss weak beer in the world it's pretty rich for you to be trashing our own heavenly liquid.

Apart from that I agree with most everything Point of Fact said (apart from the third paragraph).

Posted by: Chugga at November 30, 2008 7:05 PM

Chugga, Sir, countries will always be judged on their leaders/populations decisions throughout history, see Germany.
I find it my civic duty, being Australian, to defend my country to some extent (my ancestry varies from English to white South African. The latter, many will claim, is much worse...).
BTW, was I the only one who took delight in Pookie's incorrect fact that Australia is not a part of the UN?

Posted by: Seraf at November 30, 2008 7:46 PM

Seraf, that was indeed a good one. Australia was one of the 51 original member states of the UN since its inception in 1945. Much of what Australia does slips under the radar of the rest of the world. Believe it or not, that is actually a good thing. Australia is the Butters of the world, the USA is Cartman.

Posted by: Goldie at November 30, 2008 8:06 PM

Never have truer words been spoken.

Posted by: Ali at November 30, 2008 8:47 PM

...I guess that means Canada is Timmy.

Posted by: popejenn at November 30, 2008 8:57 PM

*cough* I think you mean Kyle.

Posted by: Goldie at November 30, 2008 9:00 PM

We're all Jewish? I guess that would make me one confused pope.

Posted by: popejenn at November 30, 2008 9:23 PM

I guess Canada is everyone's favourite smiling, fidgety, handicapped, wheel chair bound, monosyllabic friend...

Posted by: Seraf at November 30, 2008 9:51 PM

Pookie, I love you. We all do. But for the love of Godtopus, don't take on the Aussies about their beer.

It's just not worth it.

Even for you.

Posted by: general rhubarb at November 30, 2008 9:52 PM

Back to school for me... timmy is two syllables... moron.

Posted by: Seraf at November 30, 2008 9:53 PM

"your beer is for pussies"
"the worst piss weak beer in the world"

Grrrr. Them's fightin' words, Matildas. Only question is whether to draw my weapon of choice from among the 100s of fine U.S. micros to give you a sporting chance or opt for the pre-emptory Dogfish Head 90 Min. IPA nuclear strike.

Bring it on!

Posted by: bucdaddy at November 30, 2008 11:38 PM

Is it possible to declare some sort of official beer off? Or maybe that would be fighting a retard... sure he sucks, but he's not going to realize it.

I would like to call somewhere in Europe for Stan, perhaps Switzerland or similar, they always seemed cool. Or maybe Switzerland would be Craig, with his "I'm not taking part, you guys are assholes" attitude (also he had the money in the recent guinea pig episode, another interesting parallel).

Posted by: Chugga at December 1, 2008 12:46 AM

Wasn't Australia like some prison colony for Elizabethan era gangbangers (swordrattlers ?) and shit?

BarbadoSlim you had me at gangbangers. You've pretty much encapsulated modern Australian life. Wrong Queen though. It was King George. According to very reliable sources he liked to rattle his sword. A lot.

Posted by: Peecat at December 1, 2008 2:32 AM

I'm pretty sure watching 'Australia' made me stupider, and I think I detatched my retinas from all the eye-rolling the craptacular dialogue caused. I feel that all Aussies should view this film as the USA's punishment for inflicting Adam Sandler and Oprah Winfrey on us, cos there's no other way to watch it and stay sane.

You guys should just be happy we let you perv on Hugh Jackman when he's soapy.

(and onya Martika for the 'Rabbit-Proof Fence' mention for the Stolen Generations issue. I'd recommend 'Australian Rules' as well).

Posted by: YeahButNoBut at December 1, 2008 3:07 AM

I'm an open-minded girl from US, I'm interested in exotic things,photography, outdoors and sports. I have my photos on -- Tallhub.com --, I love tall guys!
Do you love travelling and have some experience? Just find me out?

Posted by: rose at December 1, 2008 10:00 AM

I guess that makes Russia Kenny. Poor, hard to understand and frequently slaughtered.

Posted by: Hughson at December 1, 2008 2:15 PM

Goddammit. Hubby done stole my Kenny comment! That's what I get for waxing amusing aloud.

Posted by: Goldie at December 1, 2008 2:19 PM

I'm thinking maybe Wendy is Vietnam, from when she beats the shit through Cartman (I don't think we're at that point with Iraq as yet?).

Posted by: Chugga at December 1, 2008 4:47 PM

I wonder what country former Mrs. now back to Mr. Garrison is? What country is sexually confused at all times and angry about it?

France?

Posted by: popejenn at December 1, 2008 5:15 PM

Garrison = Germany! Pahaha.

Posted by: Goldie at December 1, 2008 8:42 PM

I thought this was for those who had ACTUALLY seen the movie and can speak from experience.

Most of you sound like a racist bunch of so and so's who HAVEN'T seen the movie and Have NO interest in seeing it.

For the rest of you that are wondering if you should then the answer is YES GO SEE IT. I did, I loved it and I'm going to see it again.

Posted by: Ozproud at December 1, 2008 9:00 PM

Between me and you, I think everyone's a little bit racist sometimes. Doesn't mean we go around committing hate crimes. Look around and you will find no one's really color blind. Ethnic jokes might be uncouth, but you laugh because they're based on truth. Don't take them as personal attacks. Everyone enjoys them - so relax! Everyone's a little bit racist, it's true. But everyone is just about as racist as you! If we all could just admit that we are racist a little bit, and everyone stopped being so PC, maybe we could live in - harmony!

Posted by: Goldie at December 1, 2008 9:54 PM

I thought this was for those who had ACTUALLY seen the movie and can speak from experience.

So movie reviews are aimed exclusively at people who've already seen the movie now? Damn have I been misusing this site...

Posted by: Chugga at December 2, 2008 5:56 AM

Arrrgh, don't say he's a cowboy, that's so American.

Posted by: bakers_dozen at December 4, 2008 11:12 AM