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At Least Harrison Ford's Worthless Paranoia Reaffirms What A Shamelessly Terrible Film Critic Pete Hammond Is

By Dustin Rowles | Film Reviews | August 16, 2013 | Comments ()


paranoia-movie-image-1.jpg

You could watch any 45 second stretch of Paranoia — the new film starring Harrison Ford, Gary Oldman, Amber Heard, Liam Hemsworth, and Richard Dreyfus — and instantly know that it is worthless. The dreadful production quality, the shuddersome acting, and the grievous writing is blatant in every second of the film. It’s actually to its credit that Paranoia is so obviously awful because no one who wasn’t being paid to do so would watch more than 90 seconds without giving up on the film. It is that evident.

Indeed, it is easily one of, if not the worst film of the year, and a testament to just how bad it is is the fact that only one critic has given it a positive review, renowned blurb whore Pete Hammond, who is maybe the most transparently evil studio lackey in the film review business. If it means getting his name on a movie poster, he will stoop to the worst kind of lies, including any notion that Liam Hemsworth is “actually very good” in Paranoia. Literally no one who has seen the film would think that. No one.

“If you’re looking for something that’s kind of a fun, adult drama, about corporate hijinks,” Pete Hammond says in his review, “you could do worse.”

That’s actually not true. You can’t do worse, because that would suggest that there is a movie about corporate hijinks in existence that is worse than Paranoia. There is not. I promise you. Even Peter Travers, who would sell his soul to Satan for a brown M&M, writes that Paranoia is a “straight-to-video write-off” and “swill.”

“Not terribly original but entertaining,” Hammond writes. Again, no. There is nothing entertaining about Paranoia; emptying the contents of your bladder into your pants is more entertaining that this movie. If Liam Hemsworth were to see his own movie, he would actually cry. It would be so dispiriting that he would probably quit acting, and apologize to everyone unfortunate enough to pay for Paranoia. Harrison Ford and Gary Oldman, who are secondary characters in the film, each had only one line that they repeated over and over throughout the film: “Please give me my paycheck now so I can go home. Please give me my paycheck now so I can go home.” I don’t even think Richard Dreyfus knows he’s in the film; I think people just came to his house and filmed him while he was sitting in a lazy chair watching TV and left an envelope in cash in his mailbox on the way out.

The screenplay, clearly written on a Saturday afternoon by Jason Dean Hall and Barry Levy, seems to have begun with the idea of it being cool to have Gary Oldman and Harrison Ford in a payoff scene together. They came up with that, and then they worked backwards. So, I will also explain the plot beginning with the payoff scene at the end of the film (Spoilers, like you give a sh*t): A cornered Adam (Hemsworth), trapped between the death threat of Nicolas (Oldman) and extortion threat by Jock (Ford), arranges a meeting with the two nemesis to record with his phone their conversation admitting to their illegal activities. The catch, however, is that Jock took away Adam’s phone. So how does he manage the feat? His techie bro hacked into Jock’s phone and used its recording device to catch them on tape while the FBI was listening, resulting in the arrest of both Jock and Nicolas. Yes, that’s the payoff. Yes, Harrison’s Ford’s character name is Jock, and yes, it is as dated as you might imagine.

How did they get to that scene? Trust me, you really don’t care. Literally no one does, not even Pete Hammond, who lies like a goddamn rug when he suggests that Ford and Oldman are “two old pros having a good time going at each other.” Unless there was someone under the table blowing them during their payoff scene then I can assure you that they were not, in fact, having a good time. They are bright men, and I guarantee you that anyone with a modicum of intelligence would’ve been too ashamed and embarrassed by the lines they were asked to deliver to have a “good time.”



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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • Tony Maxwell

    Any review of a movie where the writer is clearly more interested in ragging on another critic's positive review than giving an adequately scathing, bitchy review of his own is only reinforcing its own pointless intent.
    Does anyone actually think these other reviewers like Hammond and Peter Travers stay awake at night thinking of clever insults to make towards 'contemporaries' such as a snot-nosed baby daddy online film review critic like Dustin Rowles, who seems to have thrown out his once-hilarious and original sense of the absurd with one of the multiple soiled diapers he's been changing for a while now?
    Dude, here's what you've accomplished: free advertising for some other critic many of us (myself included) would never have heard of otherwise but might just now check out, if only to measure the veracity of your opinion; cheating your readers out of a legitimate review of a film you have already decided we shouldn't see to the point of broadcasting the ending to one and all; and trying to pass off a questionable (non)pluralization of the word 'nemesis' - I mean, I don't have to check a dictionary to notice that the correct spelling for more than one 'nemesis' is different from what's written above - the first rule of Insult Club is not misspelling a single word in your insulting sentences.
    And the WORST offence you made was ignoring Owen Glieberman's B+ review of 'The Canyons' in EW magazine, a product people actually pay money to subscribe to.
    Dustin, you're a good writer who used to be great - a person has got to know their own limits, and hopefully you'll soon discover yours. Don't go down the Caspar Solomon tunnel with ridiculous terms like 'Malickian' and have your comments section closed to stop the flow of 'wtf' jokes that will inevitably follow.

  • We know who you are, Peter Hammond. No need to hide behind a fake name like that.

    This is a safe place!

  • Tony Maxwell

    DAMMIT! I KNEW if anyone could expose, and shame me for the worthless, unnecessary, flame-throwing, mean-spirited bastard I've become, it could only be FIGGY!!
    I love Dustin, and even though he's a young father with a great talent and life ahead of him, and I'm a middle-aged 'crazy', lonely and bitter man with no real family or useful opinion, wasting space on this planet while typing out nasty, negative comments and spewing my disgusting bile of hate and envy towards his amazing accomplishments in maintaining the integrity and consistent quality of this site, while shamelessly displaying my own provocative and belligerent attitude which only serves to highlight my own asinine presence where it is clearly not needed.
    So who's the smug one NOW, Figgy??

  • Well, now I'm just confused.

    Also I just saw that this was posted 11 days ago and phew, that's what I get for reading super old reviews.

    Always a buck short and a day late, that's me.

  • Tony Maxwell

    ...

  • kirbyjay

    a. Some movies don't deserve actual reviews
    b. Did you steal this guys parking space, Dustin?
    c. Regardless of mastering Rule #1, I think we know who the top bitch in Insult Club is

  • St

    Wow. That bad? 2% on RT. Oh my God. Now Liam must run to Miley and took her back. There are those rumors that he dumped her because he is tired of her and now that his career is on the rise he doesn’t need her anymore. And they only pretend that they are still dating. Looks like Liam’s career as Leading Man went to dumpster the same epic way as Taylor Lautners.

    Paranoia is the same as Abduction was for Taylor. Looks like now he will be known as “Miley Cyrus boyfriend” again. Should have take acting lessons more.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    I haven't seen Paranoia, but I have seen Abduction. I feel like Abduction might be a good movie in other hands, whereas Paranoia is probably not a good movie regardless of the hands. So maybe Hemsworth the Younger is a little better than the Llamautner.

  • wiwille

    I have seen Paranoia (and yes I hate myself for doing so) and no one could've made that film watchable. It wasn't that it was so bad it was just shockingly mediocre. If ever there was an example of paint by numbers film making, this would be it.

  • e jerry powell

    "Unless there was someone under the table blowing them during their payoff scene then I can assure you that they were not, in fact, having a good time."

    Dustin Rowles, you have just brightened my day with that visual image.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    I wonder if Hammond is one of those persons who regularly looks himself up on the net. He's gotta find this review.

  • oilybohunk7

    I can't get past the part of the trailor where Harrison screams "AND NOW I'M STANDING ON YOUR NECK!" Yes, one line can be offputting enough for me to never even CONSIDER seeing a movie.

  • Gary Dolan

    Harrison Ford has become a signal for bad movies. He must be just going for the paycheck. His acting consists of expressions that leave you wondering, gas or hemorrhoids? Paranoia just continues that trend.

  • cgthegeek

    Well he's a senior citizen with a few ex-wives, an unemployed current wife, and a young kid in an expensive private school. So... paycheck?

  • Gary Dolan

    My observation is that he has been in many stinkers lately. My surmise (not criticism) is that he is there just for the paycheck (for the reasons you list). My criticism is that his acting is now pretty lousy. My conclusion from all of this is that I probably won't pay to see his movies, and likely not watch them even if they are free.

  • Dibis Blastofs

    I though he was terrible in that Rachel McAdams as NY TV show producer "Sunny side up" or whatever it was. Also was an unwatchable movie.

    He DOES have a good buzzcut in the photo...

  • The Hemsworth parents obviously struck a deal with the devil, and in some bizarre agreement, Thor does well in cool stuff and the "unfortunately less attractive and strangely involved with that Cyrus demon-spawn" is terrible in dreck. I think I speak for all parents that don't fame-whore out their children when I suggest a mercy killing may be in order.

  • F'mal DeHyde

    I like the buzz cut on Harrison Ford though.

  • ,

    Yay! "Scathing and bitchy" is back!

  • Anne At Large

    My immediate first thought. We come for the scathe, stay for the bitch.

  • TheAggroCraig

    I was going to ask "Who's the bitch?" but then I realized:

    We are ALL the bitch.

  • PDamian

    Dammit so much. I *lurve* Gary Oldman, and I usually go see whatever he's in. What to do, what to do ...

  • Brad Indaskys

    You had me at the first sentence. One of your most scathing pieces yet, I loved it!

  • Matt N.

    Great review, but I actually kind of want to see this now. It's at 3% on RT and something that god awful is worth watching for the sheer trainwrecktitude.

  • Sherry

    3%? That's kind of hilarious. Question: What's the lowest a movie has scored on RT, and which was it? Inquiring minds want to know...

  • Uriah_Creep

    Allow me to answer this one: the horrendous movie
    Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever
    , which starred Antonio Banderas and Lucy Liu (both of whom I normally like just fine), scored an impressive 0%. I know this, because I was forced to watch the movie and looked up the reviews after the viewing to reassure myself that I was not being over-critical. I wasn't. And, while I did not see it, I remember (and just double-checked) that Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 also scored 0%. Even the odious Jack & Jill got a higher score (3%).

  • BuffyloGal

    Ouch.

  • Frank Berrodin

    i love when movies like this suck butt. Now, please, don't do well in the box office.

  • Jifaner

    I'm in tears. Joyous tears over this amazing review.

  • merryxmas

    Sooooo..... ....you're saying you liked it?

  • Joe Grunenwald

    I only had minor interest in seeing this because Josh Holloway is in it. How was he? Do I want to know?

  • Zirza

    More importantly: does he take his shirt off? If so: WORTH IT.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    (Spoilers, like you give a sh*t): A cornered Adam (Neeson)

    Ok...hee hee...for a second I was trying to figure out if Liam Neeson had also been tucked into this Grade A fiasco, when I realized you confused the Liams.

    Don't cross the Liams, Dustin.

  • pajiba

    Oh, jeez. Man. Yeah. Apologies.

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