An Imagined Conversation Between Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively in the Car Ride Home After the Premiere of R.I.P.D.
(After slipping through the crowd after the R.I.P.D. premiere, a noticeably quiet Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds jump into Reynolds’ sporty-but-roomy four-door Audi and head to their home in the Outpost Estates neighborhood of Los Angeles.)
Lively: Wow! Did you see that skirt that Mary Louise was wearing?
Reynolds: Hell yeah, I did!
Lively: That takes some courage to wear at her age.
Reynolds: Great gams for a 48-year-old, right?
Lively: Yeah, I mean, I guess so.
[Silence. Lively looks out the passenger window.]
Reynolds: Well …
Lively: … Well what?
Reynolds: Well, what did you think of the movie?
Lively: Oh. Yeah. I mean, it was fine.
Reynolds: Fine? That’s all you have to say? Fine?
Lively: Well, yeah. You know, it was fine.
Reynolds: Fine like Safe House or fine like Green Lantern?
Lively: I dunno. Fine like Green Lantern, I guess.
Reynolds: Oh, brother.
Reynolds: What did you not like about it?
Lively: I said it was fine!
Reynolds: Yeah, but you’re my wife. Saying something is ‘fine’ is like telling me it’s OK when I can’t get it up.
Lively: You’ve never had the problem with me.
Reynolds: You’re damn right, I haven’t!
[Lively smiles, looks bashfully in Reynolds’ direction.]
Reynolds: So what did you not like about it?
Lively: I don’t know. I guess I just didn’t understand some of it?
Reynolds: Like what?
Lively: OK, so you’re dead, right? Your partner shot you in the face.
Reynolds: Right, Kevin.
Reynolds: Kevin Bacon. The guy who played my partner.
Lively: Yeah, that old guy. What else has he been in?
Reynolds: Uh, what has he not been in is the better question?
Lively: OK. Whatever. So, you’re like in limbo or something, because you stole some gold while you were working as a cop.
Lively: But you were going to give it back!
Lively: Well, I just don’t understand if, you know, it’s Judgement Day, and you’re being judged by God, I mean, shouldn’t He have known that? That you’re essentially a good person. And shouldn’t He have, like, sent you on your way to heaven, instead of making you be a police officer in charge of catching dead guys for 100 years?
Reynolds: I don’t know, Blake. It’s just a movie. You have to suspend your disbelief.
Lively: Don’t you mean ‘belief’?
Reynolds: Let’s not go through this again.
Lively: OK. Whatever. Anyway, right. So, Mary Louise sends you back down to Boston as, like, someone who looks like an old Asian guy, and you and your partner …
Reynolds: Jeff Bridges, yeah …
Lively: … yeah, that other old guy, whose fake identity on Earth looks like a prettier version of your ex-wife …
Reynolds: … Blake …
Lively: Sorry. So, you’re supposed to catch all the Dead-O’s who haven’t been judged and sent to hell yet.
Reynolds: Uh huh.
Lively: Why haven’t they been judged? I mean, can’t God or whoever just send them to straight to hell after they die?
Reynolds: Were you not paying attention to the movie? They explained it. There’s, like, a backlog of dead people in prison cells waiting to be judged because God can’t get to them all at once ..
Lively: … That’s weird. I mean, He’s God …
Reynolds: … and some of them escape and go back to Earth and wreak havoc.
Lively: They didn’t seem to be wreaking very much havoc until you guys came along.
Reynolds: Blake. Sweetie. It’s just a movie. Go with it.
Lively: OK, fine. So the evil people who escaped their prison cells and went back to Earth, they look like regular people, except that Indian food will transform them into their inner monsters?
Reynolds: Well, yeah. I mean, it’s not the Indian food itself. It’s the cumin.
Lively: Cumin? That’s kind of weird, isn’t it? That all it takes is some cumin to turn a regular-looking dead person into a monster-looking dead person.
Reynolds: Again, Blake. It’s a movie. And I didn’t write it. I was just playing a part.
Lively: And you looked so handsome doing it!
Reynolds: Thanks, sweetie. But what else did you not like about the movie?
Lively: I liked it! I did! It was … it was fine! It’s just that … why did those monsters look like that?
Reynolds: Like what?
Lively: Like cereal-box cartoon characters?
Reynolds: Yeah, I don’t know, honestly. I mean, all I saw was a green screen. I think maybe they ran out of money during post, or they just picked a bad special effects company. They were really bad, weren’t they?
Lively: Oh my God! So bad! I was so embarrassed for you!
Reynolds: They were going for a Men in Black vibe or something.
Lively: They wish!
Reynolds: Hey! That’s my movie we’re talking about! The movie that paid for that gorgeous dress you’re wearing.
Lively: Oh, I know RyRy. I’m sorry! You know I love you. It’s just, you know, why can’t you make more movies like The Proposal? You’re so good in those.
Reynolds: Oh, don’t tell me you’re taking Bill Simmons’ side on this.
Reynolds: Never mind. What did you think of my character?
Lively: You were you! And you’re adorable, and I love you!
Reynolds: Uh huh.
Lively: It’s just, you know, the writers didn’t give you much to work with, did they?
Reynolds: Tell me about it! There were better scripts on the “Two Guys and a Girl” reject pile.
Lively: What now?
Reynolds: That TV show I used to do. Before you’d hit puberty.
Lively: Oh yeah! I always forget about that. You were so cute when you were young!
Reynolds: I’m not exactly Kirk Douglas over here.
Reynolds: Never mind.
Lively: What was up with your partner, anyway? Was he supposed to be, like, some cross between Colonel Sanders and the guy from Slingblade? What kind of name is Roycephus, anyway?
Reynolds: I don’t know. It was a weird choice, wasn’t it? His whole schtick was strange. But, you know, it’s Jeff Bridges. The Dude! You kind of just let him do his thing and stand out of the way.
Lively: I guess. It was weird, though. It made me uncomfortable. I felt embarassed for him.
Reynolds: Try listening to that for three months while you’re shooting the film.
Lively: Oh, honey. I’m sorry. That must have been so terrible.
Reynolds: It wasn’t so bad. I mean, he IS The Dude. It was an honor to work with the guy.
Lively: Why do you keep calling him that? The Dude?
Reynolds: Big Lebowski?
Lively: Oh yeah. I’ve heard of that. The bowling movie with all those old guys, right?
Reynolds: Something like that.
Lively: Anyway, I’m sure the movie will do fine. And if not, you know, something else will come along, right?
Reynolds: I’m not so sure. I mean, R.I.P.D was kind of my last chance to be an action star. If it doesn’t put up some big numbers at the box office, they’ll never let me make Deadpool. Looks like it’s low-budget Canadian films from here on out.
Lively: No! Don’t say that!
Reynolds: What? I mean, I prefer the smaller movies, anyway. They let me grow out my beard.
Lively: I do love your beard, Ryan. But the paychecks? They’re so tiny!
Reynolds: Didn’t you say you’d love me whether I was rich and famous or a nobody TV star?
Lively: I think you have me confused with Scarlett.
Reynolds: Oh, I know she didn’t say that. Must have been Alanis.
Lively: Yeah. Probably. But don’t worry! I’m sure it’ll all work out.
Reynolds: Did you see the same movie I did? It was garbage, Blake. Just admit it. G-A-R-B-A-G-E. It was worse than Paper Man.
Lively: Which one was that?
Reynolds: Remember that one where I was a fake superhero with Ritchie Rich hair? The one the studio tried to bury?
Lively: Oh, God. That was bad.
Reynolds: I think I’m all out of goodwill, Blake. I need to make another movie with Sandy, quick. What a disaster!
Lively: Well, I mean …
Reynolds: At least I still have you.
Reynolds: I’ll sleep on the couch tonight.
Lively: That’s probably a good idea.