00:30 American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile (now out on DVD) starts out innocently enough. Erik, a half-dressed teenager, talks his parents into allowing him to stay home sick a lá Ferris Bueller. After they leave, Erik sneaks downstairs and pulls out a copy of something called Pussy Palace. I’m guessing the film has something to do with cats.
01:00 Nope. Not cats. Erik has decided to watch Pussy Palace while naked, wearing headphones, and standing in his living room. Naturally, his mom, dad, and grandmother all walk in simultaneously. Erik, er, unleashes his manly fluids, and … there goes Grandma. She’s out cold. Nope. She’s dead. It’s going to be a long hour and 37 minutes.
03:00 The setup: We are introduced to three high-school friends, headed up by the masturbating dude, Erik, who I suppose is this entry’s Jason Biggs character. Oh, but wait! Erik is actually the cousin of the legendary Dwight Stifler, who I suppose is related to Sean William Scott’s Steve Stifler, which is the connection holding this entire franchise together into the fifth installment. And, ahoy!
04:00 Erik has been dating Tracy (Jessy Schram) for two years, and she is not ready to have sex yet, making Erik a virgin. That damned virginity; somebody should make a film about the difficulty of losing it. Oh, wait.
06:00 We are six minutes in, and there have already been three gratuitous shots of naked breasts. We’re talking total feminist flick here, folks. I’m assuming it’s because they burned their bras in protest of quality cinematic fare.
07:30 Erik’s generic-looking friend: “You cannot graduate a virgin. For God’s sake, you’re a Stifler.” Amen.
08:44 Tracy: “I’m not ready yet.” Erik: “Can’t I be ready enough for both of us? … The longer I stay a virgin, the longer I am the laughingstock of the entire school.” It’s like a very special episode of “Saved by the Bell.” Oh, damn. All fond associations with that show have been forever tainted. Thanks, Dustin Diamond.
09:44 Half-naked generic girl in women’s locker room asks Tracy what Erik’s penis size is: “Oh, wait. I suppose it’s pretty hard to tell dick size from dry humping.” Is that true?
11:01 The “naked mile” is revealed. It concerns cousin Dwight Stifler, who is attending college nearby. He’s in a fraternity. They throw a party called the naked mile. Thousands of naked college students run through campus to blow off steam. “It’s going to be epic.” Sadly, Erik is grounded forever, having killed his grandmother with his semen.
11:30 Christopher McDonald is the father, Mr. Stifler. Man — this guy will do anything. He’s the guy who studios go after to play the smug asshole when they can’t find anyone else. You may remember him best from his role in Happy Gilmore. He’s lecturing Erik now, telling him that when was a kid, he didn’t have time to blow a load in his grandmother’s face. Stiflers, he says, “don’t stay at home to masturbate to porn. They go to class to get ass.” It’s the same thing with Rowleses, lemme tell you.
12:58 Tracy gives in to peer pressure. She calls Erik and says that she wants to have sex. Tonight.
13:52 For reasons that don’t make sense to people like myself with little or no higher-brain function, generic friend says into the telephone, “Chicken salad and college pussy. My favorite combination.” You gotta love the turn of phrase there.
14:53 Erik is at Tracy’s house now. How is he going to fuck up his first sexual opportunity? My guess, given the franchise: sudden, violent diarrhea.
17:03 Oh! So close. So close. Actually, Tracy’s dad comes into the basement, where Tracy and Erik are fooling around. Erik hides. His flatulence gets the best of him, however, and Tracy’s dad searches for the noise. Erik hides in the dryer, farts again, and Tracy’s dad opens the dryer door. Erik jumps out, pantyhose on head, and streaks out of the house nude. But not before taking a shit in the dryer. Oh man — a new low. New fucking low. It’s like I’m watching a new extreme commercial for Southwest Airlines: “Gotta get away?”
20:42 At school the next day, Tracy revokes her sexual proposal, on account of the fact that Erik shit in her dryer. No breakup, though. Instead, Tracy offers a guilt-free pass to Erik at the Naked Mile party. So, you know, he can get it out of his system. His virginity, that is. That’s romance, y’all. Princess Bride romance.
24:16 Tracy is at yoga. Tracy’s half-naked friends are offering more advice, chastising her for offering Erik the free pass. “Are you out of your fucking mind? … If he has sex this weekend, what do you think is going to happen? Once he’s felt the soft pink velvet on the inside of the box, he’s not going to go back to rubbing his dick on the outside of the lid.” Man, truer words.
25:02 Tracy calls Erik while he’s on the road toward the party. Erik’s asleep. Erik’s friend tosses phone away. Shit! This is just a travesty. Narrative hook established.
25:40 There he is. Eugene Levy makes his first appearance, reprising his role from the first four American Pie movies as Mr. Levenstein. He runs into Tracy on his way to the yoga studio, where he’s going to learn about the Kama Sutra. He offers Tracy advice: “You gave your boyfriend a free pass at the naked mile? Are you crazy?” He implored her not to worry, though. I’m betting that 40 seconds amounts to Levy’s entire screen time, just enough to get into the trailer.
29:54 Erik and his friends have arrived. We’re in the frat house. Is that Chumbawumba I hear? Holy shit. And it’s not even their one hit: “I get knocked down, I get up again.” Dear God. Say it ain’t so. Chumbawumba! I think The Naked Mile has officially hit its high point.
30:03 There’s a drinking contest going on. Campus security comes in, faux cop threatens to arrest everyone, then places his bet on Erik’s cousin, Dwight Stifler (Steve Talley). The loser then projectile vomits all over female student’s breast (note to self, never refer to female college students as co-eds).
35:25 Erik, et al. somehow get involved in a football game against a big fraternity rival. Only the fraternity rival is made up entirely of sarcastic little people (midgets). Man, I want to die a thousand deaths right now.
43:00 The little people are kicking the crap out of the regular-sized shitstains on the football field. One of the little people bites the QB in the groin. I mean, c’mon! This ain’t fair. The little people are taunting. “Wish I was a little bit taller, wish I was a baller.” I’m embarrassed for all of humanity right now.
44:00 It takes nearly nine fucking minutes, but the little people are victorious after one of them jumps out of a pile of mud and punches one of the regular-sized guys in the nuts at the goal line. I swear to God, it’s like I’m watching an Orson Welles film.
44:30 “Don’t let those oompah-loompahs get to you.”
50:37 Erik meets a college girl at a bar. She’s blonde. She clearly doesn’t have a no-nudity clause in her contract. Her name is Brandy (of course). Erik chats her up. I lose consciousness for a few seconds. When I wake up, Erik is confessing his virginity. That’s how to get the ladies. Inexplicably, Brandy suggests that things might change by the end of the weekend. Is that, like, foreshadowing? I can’t deal with all these literary devices.
54:03 Eugene Levy is back. He’s sitting on a bench at the college reading a newspaper. He’s apparently there to watch the naked mile in action. He offers Erik some advice. He’s totally the moral center of The Naked Mile. He gets a full three minutes of screen-time this time. Christopher Guest must be so proud.
57:41 Dwight Stifler apparently just had a threesome with a college girl and a monkey. Yep. A monkey. Afterwards, the little people jump Dwight and lay him up in the hospital. Dwight says he can’t run in the mile.
61:01 The Naked Mile is about to commence. Dwight suddenly appears and drops the psyche bomb. “Nobody starts the naked mile without me,” he yells, while nude. He’s got some sort of leather strappy thong on, I think. I’m not sure what it is, but I wish I’d never seen it. It’s times like these when I wish my mother had followed through on her threat to gouge out my eyeballs when I was 11.
62:01 Dwight is taunting the little people. The little people are humiliated. It’s so nice to see midgets vilified. A breath of fucking fresh air. Maybe in American Pie 6, Jimmy-Fund kids can be the villains.
63:03 The naked mile is about to commence. Everyone is nude. Dwight gives the gang some Viagra, which means they can run with … you know … erections. Awesome.
65:00 Guess who is the MC of the Naked Mile? Eugene Levy. Apparently, he started it all back in his college days. Symmetry.
67:00 And off they go. I think I understand the need for sports bras now.
68:00Dwight Stifler: “I’m adrift in a sea of boobies and my balls are scraping the pavement.” I think he lifted that line from Art Buchwald. Someone notify his estate.
69:00 The requisite Sum 46 or Blink 119 or All-American Rejects soundtrack choice is playing at the finish line. It was only a matter of time. Erik is making out with Brandy. It’s being televised. Tracy, back at home, sees it on television. She’s crestfallen. She needs a goddamn hug.
71:00 The post naked-mile frat party is in effect. Erik, et al. are still sporting Viagra-induced erections. Tracy is still at home, crestfallen.
74:00 “The Heavyweight Hard-On Championship of the World” is now starting. “Let the penis games begin.” Yep. My stomach just lurched. The gang is holding buckets with their erections; beer is being poured in. The last one standing wins! Some college girl spanks generic friend and — Jesus, he just sprayed his ejaculate all over the audience. My God! Why am I watching this? I really need to watch this from the fetal position.
75:00 The penis ring toss: “It’s just like six flags.”
76:00Batting practice with penises. C’mon, this just ain’t fair. It’s criminally inhumane. The next time Jack Bauer needs to torture someone, just put the penis games on repeat. It’ll take about six and a half minutes before the location of the terrorist weaponry is revealed and the world can be saved. At least some good would then come of this travesty.
79:00 There’s only 19 minutes left. What’s going to happen? The suspense is killing me. Actually, no — it’s the film itself. The film is actually killing me. I can feel my flesh decompose.
80:00 Tracy’s half-naked friends are encouraging her to sleep with someone else. To even the score. Man, doesn’t that always work?
81:00 There have to be at least three minutes of credits tacked on to the end, right? Seriously, c’mon. Maybe four minutes? Which means there’s only 12 minutes left. It’s, like, 12-minute eternity. Klosterman once watched 24 consecutive hours of VH1 Classics programming, but I’m guessing he’d never make it through all 97 minutes of The Naked Mile.
82:00 Brandy is naked now. Erik is playing pool. It’s so phallic. It’s like they got Freud to do some consulting on the script. Brandy is making her sexual proposal. Oh, it turns out, she’s a serial de-virginizer. Well, ain’t that a kick in the ass?
84:00 Erik denies the serial de-virginizer, ‘cause he’s “in love.” Man, I never saw that coming. Never.
85:00 Dwight is about to have sex with one of the little people. I don’t even know what to say.
86:00 The dude (generic friend) who sprayed his semen on the audience earlier is now being involuntarily introduced to one of those newfangled vibrators. Dude - date-rape is hilarious!
87:00 Erik shows up at Tracy’s house on a white horse. No. Seriously. He’s on a goddamn steed. A fucking white stallion. Where? Why? Wha? Tracy’s not at home; she’s about to engage in score-evening sex.
88:00 Erik arrives at the party that Tracy is at, still on the fucking horse. He’s racing around the party calling out for Tracy. It’s like that scene in “Can’t Hardly Wait,” where Ethan Embry is yelling for Mandy! I’d given anything for a Neil Diamond cameo right now.
89:00 Erik is confessing his undying love to a door: “It’s not about the sex. You’re the most important thing.” Hey — that’s a Haggis line.
90:00 Tracy: “You rode a horse for me?” Apparently, that’s all it took. A motherfucking horse. And here comes the big, movie-ending kiss. Everyone at the party is clapping. I think I’m a little misty. Nope — that’s blood. There is blood trickling down my cheek.
91:00 Tracy: “Should we?” And, alas, Erik loses his virginity around the same time I lose my goddamn mind. As soon as the credits roll, I’ve decided, I’m going to run out to my backyard and see how far I can fling the DVD. It’ll be the only joy this movie will bring.
93:00 The morning-after confessional. Erik announces that he had sex with his girlfriend, which is the gentlemanly thing to do. Generic friend sees fit to finally call Erik a “Stifler.” Erik says, “No, thanks. Just call me Erik.” It’s a poignant moment. Really.
94:00 The leader of the little men receives a DVD in the mail, pops it in, and learns that Dwight Stifler is having sex with his little-person girlfriend. He yells “Stifler” into the camera. The credits mercifully roll.
That’s it. Pajiba’s first, and probably only, live-blogging movie review. I hope it was as good for you as it was for me.
Dustin Rowles is the publisher of Pajiba. He lives with his wife in Ithaca, New York. You may email him, or leave a comment below.
American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile / Dustin Rowles
Film | January 23, 2007 | Comments ()