2 Guns Is The Denzeliest Goddamn Movie of the Year
You know what’s great about a Denzel movie? You know what is specifically unique about every single one of them? You know what Denzel movies have that no other movies have? They’ve got Denzel Washington, motherfucker. What the else could you possibly want in a movie? We go to Denzel movies for two reasons: 1) Because Denzel doesn’t make terrible movies, (except Flight, which was a piece of sh*t), and because Denzel makes Denzel movies.
Think about it a minute, and ask yourself this: How many sequels has Denzel Washington made? How many superhero movies has Denzel Washington made? How many franchises does he have? How many Happy Meal toys do you own from a Denzel movie?
You know why? Because Denzel doesn’t need that shit. Denzel doesn’t need a superpower because being Denzel is his superpower. He doesn’t need a blockbuster franchise with a built-in audience, because Denzel brings his own built in-audience. It’s called America. Denzel says shove your $200 million special effects movies with your lilly-ass men in capes up your ass and give me a goddamn gun and some white guy that I can bounce my Denzelness off of and let me be motherfucking Denzel. That’s what the people want to see.
And he is absolutely right.
Denzel makes two kinds of movies: Movies where Denzel gets to be a bad ass, and movies with a message where Denzel gets to be a bad ass. He only makes the latter every once in a while these days to remind everyone that Denzel is still the best goddamn actor of his generation, so shut the fuck and leave him alone so he can make movies where he shoots people.
Boom! You’ve been Denzel’d.
2 Guns falls squarely in the bad ass without a message camp. Here, Denzel plays Denzel, and Mark Wahlberg plays the goofy charming version of Mark Wahlberg that winks at women and asks you how your mother is. They’re both working undercover for different agencies — Denzel for the DEA, Wahlberg for the Navy — aiming to rob a bank for various reasons, only neither knows that the other is undercover until everything goes to hell when they find out they’ve taken money from the wrong agency. Then, bing, bang, boom: They’ve got a drug kingpin, the Navy, the DEA, and the government after them and Bill Paxton strutting through the picture chewing the dicks off the scenery. But they’ve also got one thing that no one else has: They’ve got Denzel.
Does the story make much sense? Shut the fuck up. Does Denzel shoot a gun? Why yes, yes he does. On more than a few occasions, in fact. He whips that bitch out, flashes that Denzel grin, and blows his Denzel all over everyone. Does Denzel blow up shit and walk away casually with his back turned to the explosion? You’re goddamn right he does, and Marky Mark stands back and goes all Jesse Pinkman “Yeah Bitch!” on the joint because that’s what you do when Denzel is being Denzel. Is it a good movie? Again, shut the fuck up. Denzel is in it, isn’t he? Well, then, that’s a stupid fucking question, asshole.
There are a lot of choices at the multiplex this summer, but there’s only one that stars Denzel Washington. You want to watch a grown man with knives coming out of his hand perform stunts on top of a high-speed train, or emo Superman destroy a city, or a guy fly around in an iron suit or Johnny Depp pretend to be a Native American, then go for it, compadre. Have a great time. It’s your dime. To each their own. But if you want to watch a Denzel movie, you go see 2 Guns, motherfucker: It’s the Denzeliest goddamn movie of the year.