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2 Guns Is The Denzeliest Goddamn Movie of the Year

By Dustin Rowles | Film Reviews | August 2, 2013 | Comments ()


image-2-guns-06.jpg

You know what’s great about a Denzel movie? You know what is specifically unique about every single one of them? You know what Denzel movies have that no other movies have? They’ve got Denzel Washington, motherfucker. What the else could you possibly want in a movie? We go to Denzel movies for two reasons: 1) Because Denzel doesn’t make terrible movies, (except Flight, which was a piece of sh*t), and because Denzel makes Denzel movies.

Think about it a minute, and ask yourself this: How many sequels has Denzel Washington made? How many superhero movies has Denzel Washington made? How many franchises does he have? How many Happy Meal toys do you own from a Denzel movie?

Zero.

You know why? Because Denzel doesn’t need that shit. Denzel doesn’t need a superpower because being Denzel is his superpower. He doesn’t need a blockbuster franchise with a built-in audience, because Denzel brings his own built in-audience. It’s called America. Denzel says shove your $200 million special effects movies with your lilly-ass men in capes up your ass and give me a goddamn gun and some white guy that I can bounce my Denzelness off of and let me be motherfucking Denzel. That’s what the people want to see.

And he is absolutely right.

Denzel makes two kinds of movies: Movies where Denzel gets to be a bad ass, and movies with a message where Denzel gets to be a bad ass. He only makes the latter every once in a while these days to remind everyone that Denzel is still the best goddamn actor of his generation, so shut the fuck and leave him alone so he can make movies where he shoots people.

Boom! You’ve been Denzel’d.

2 Guns falls squarely in the bad ass without a message camp. Here, Denzel plays Denzel, and Mark Wahlberg plays the goofy charming version of Mark Wahlberg that winks at women and asks you how your mother is. They’re both working undercover for different agencies — Denzel for the DEA, Wahlberg for the Navy — aiming to rob a bank for various reasons, only neither knows that the other is undercover until everything goes to hell when they find out they’ve taken money from the wrong agency. Then, bing, bang, boom: They’ve got a drug kingpin, the Navy, the DEA, and the government after them and Bill Paxton strutting through the picture chewing the dicks off the scenery. But they’ve also got one thing that no one else has: They’ve got Denzel.

Does the story make much sense? Shut the fuck up. Does Denzel shoot a gun? Why yes, yes he does. On more than a few occasions, in fact. He whips that bitch out, flashes that Denzel grin, and blows his Denzel all over everyone. Does Denzel blow up shit and walk away casually with his back turned to the explosion? You’re goddamn right he does, and Marky Mark stands back and goes all Jesse Pinkman “Yeah Bitch!” on the joint because that’s what you do when Denzel is being Denzel. Is it a good movie? Again, shut the fuck up. Denzel is in it, isn’t he? Well, then, that’s a stupid fucking question, asshole.

There are a lot of choices at the multiplex this summer, but there’s only one that stars Denzel Washington. You want to watch a grown man with knives coming out of his hand perform stunts on top of a high-speed train, or emo Superman destroy a city, or a guy fly around in an iron suit or Johnny Depp pretend to be a Native American, then go for it, compadre. Have a great time. It’s your dime. To each their own. But if you want to watch a Denzel movie, you go see 2 Guns, motherfucker: It’s the Denzeliest goddamn movie of the year.




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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • This is the best goddamn review since a caveman took a bite out of a sabretooth and said 'YUM'.

  • Flight was a bad movie? Really? Who the hell else is gonna have balls Denzelly enough to land a plane full of passengers upside down while drunk and high on some seriously Denzelly shit, after giving it to that hot hooker Denzelly style all night long? There is only one man goddamn Denzeliest enough for that job!!!!!

  • Jifaner

    I went and got Denzelled today and it was motherfucking hilarious.

  • Simulacrum 1138

    This review is even better if you read it in Denzel's voice.

  • Al

    A fantastic review but this was a terrible movie. Worst performance of Denzel's career. I saw this in lieu of Fruitvale Station. Probably a mistake.

  • nighttimer

    Enjoyed the review except for the shot at "Flight." If that's a piece of shit by Denzel then "Unstoppable," "Safe House" and "Taking of Pelham 1-2-3" is explosive diarrhea.

  • A. Smith

    In my time reading reviews from this site and others, this is probably my all time favorite.

  • Littlejon2001

    There has never been a more perfect review.

  • Eyvi

    You know, every once in awhile reviews like this one remind me why I fell in love with Pajiba. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy most of the reviews, but this? This is so full of awesome.

  • e jerry powell

    But what about when Denzel makes a Spike Lee movie? It's difficult to call them Denzel movies, because in those cases Denzel is just a muse, pretty much on the same level as your Wesley Snipes, your Laurence FIshburne, your (insert-40-Acres-&-A-Mule-repertory-actor-name here).

  • JGSOLID

    Denzel is still Denzel in them, he just makes Spike's work better. Replace him with another actor in Malcom X or Mo Betta Blues...you feel me. Although Snipes stole Mo Betta Blues.

  • TrickyHD

    And if you have not seen "Fallen" (which also has some John Goodman goodness), then get your Denzel+Supernatural fix, I watch it once a year and then can't singing...Tigh-i-eh-ime, is on my side...Yes it is!

  • kushiro -
  • Well this is about perfect.

  • So...there's some Denzel in this?

  • LadyBuggy

    I have a major thing for Marky Mark, especially when he's asking me how my mother is. I also have a thing for Denzel at his Denzeliest. This is not usually my "type" but these 2 at their best might blow me right out of my seat.

  • TripleKick

    It looks like Denzel has Channing'd all over Dustin's Tatum.

  • JJ

    Nothing against Mo' Better Blues, but we're more than past due for a Samuel L. Jackson and Denzel Washington movie.

  • e jerry powell

    Hell, throw in LarryLaurence FIshburne and Wesley Snipes. It'll turn franchise-worthy. Morgan Freeman shouldn't be the only one having fun in the 2010s.

  • Tenatively titled 'Motherfucker: The Motherfuckening'

  • the dude

    So... it's a bad movie?

    NOOO, because Denzel Washington.

  • Reba

    "Denzeliest" is now my new favorite word.

  • badkittyuno

    I'll pay $11 for a ticket to sit in the a/c and watch Denzel do that cocky Denzel smile for two hours. I wouldn't even need popcorn.

  • L.O.V.E.

    Denzel ALWAYS Brings the Ruckus

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...

  • Denzel cracking wise with Marky Mark? I am SO there.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    I'm sorry. I'm going to have to insist that Denzel get's tested before Denzelling me with his Denzel. I got Denzelled by watching Flight and now my Denzel is all Denzelled.

  • e jerry powell

    Big Pharma's working on a treatment for that as we speak.

  • BlackRabbit

    It's Denzelicious!

  • I was listening to the radio this morning, and during the discussion of this movie, they brought up the Denzel "guarantee": every movie he makes, he says "I guarantee it." Also, whenever he laughs in a movie, something bad happens to someone else, pretty much by Denzel's hand.

    No real point to this; does Denzel need a point?

  • Bob Barker

    i believe denzel once stated that the movie king kong has nothing on him.

  • Matt N.

    This person wins the internet. Well done.

  • Rachel

    Hands down, the BEST review I have ever read. Thank you, Pajiba.

  • Matt Staten

    We need more reviews like this in the world.

  • PaddyDog

    It's the grin. It's 100% the grin.

  • Fredo

    /stands up and applauds

  • Dumily

    Somebody get this man a motherfucking Pulitzer.

  • Batesian

    A Pulitzer? Hell, he's got motherfucking Denzel.

  • UglyBattery

    This article made me so happy. I'M READY TO GET DENZEL'D!!! I'm 39 weeks pregnant, do you think he might Denzel me into labor?!

  • badkittyuno

    I'm 37 weeks. I'll race you! Hope there's enough Denzel to go around (haha of course there is)

  • UglyBattery

    He will Denzel us so hard our waters will break only 5 gunshots and a smirk into the movie!!

  • Sara_Tonin00

    and what will you name your babies....?

  • UglyBattery

    Mine is a girl, so Denzeleisha or Amber. lol

  • gorge jung

    I heard Paula Patton gets topless in this. Is this true?

  • Lurkey Turkey

    But yes, it is true.

  • Maguita NYC

    The complete Denzelation of Rowles made him forget about Boobies. Brain washing never sounded more fun. Or high.

  • lowercase_ryan

    Bill Paxton strutting through the picture chewing the dicks off the scenery.

    just...wow

  • Dickless scenery is the best scenery

  • Fabius_Maximus

    That is... surprisingly accurate.

  • Kala

    This review has cinched it for me: I am going to the motherfucking multiplex to see the motherfucking Denzel movie.

  • Lauren_Lauren

    You don't even have to go, you are already THERE. Anyone who reads this review is instantly catapulted to their nearest theatre, by fucking magic.

  • PDamian

    Right behind ya.

  • annoyingmouse

    I had no interest in this movie until right fucking now.

  • jon29

    Kirk: "Denzel doesn’t make terrible movies, but Denzel made Virtuosity."
    Computer: *explodes*

  • Jerce

    There are some seriously painfully bad movies on Denzel's imdb page:

    The Book of Eli
    The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3
    John Q
    The Bone Collector
    The Siege
    The Preacher's Wife
    Heart Condition

    ...and that's without bothering to scroll down...

    P.S. I loved Unstoppable even though nobody else did.

  • e jerry powell

    Let's be real: the people who went to see Bone Collector were there for Angelina. I will brook no opposition on this point.

  • JGSOLID

    You go to hell...Denzel makes movies that you just can't comprehend. Every one of these films are masterpieces, made to comfort me on late, lonely Saturday nights when I refuse to watch anything too serious or too funny. Denzel is the East African god of consistency.

  • Foop

    Am I the only one who liked Book of Eli? and I wouldn't argue any of those movies are 'bad', but theres several I wouldn't watch again.

  • nighttimer

    I liked Book of Eli. I would never watch John Q again or The Preacher's Wife at all.

  • kirbyjay

    I LOVED The Book of Eli. Why? Grizzled grey Denzel grappling with the bad guys 5 at a time, Gary Oldman gnawing the scenery, bald and bad Ray Stevenson taking a machete through the heart, and Mila.
    I love me some Denzel and may I remind you that he was on my Pajiba 10 list.
    For every John Q and The Preacher's Wife, I'll raise you Man on Fire, Training Day, American Gangster, Courage Under Fire, Inside Man, Out of Time ...
    My second favorite actor of all time

  • Ok I have seen all of those films. Why? Because of Denzel, no doubt.

    Would I watch any of them again? Maybe except for John Q. I just can't.

  • katenonymous

    I could barely even start John Q.

  • Helo

    Unstoppable was Tony Scott's comeback film, if you ask me. Vaya con Dios, Señor Scott... =(

    The Siege wasn't bad, it just wasn't as great as it wanted to be. I'm with you on everything else.

  • Fredo

    Virtuosity is a great movie full of bad 90s CGI and Denzel facing Russell Crowe. How that movie didn't win all the awards -- Oscars, Emmys, Tonys, Kid's Choice -- is still a mystery to me.

  • e jerry powell

    And full of Russell Crowe's firm, supple bootay, let's not forget.

  • sanity fair

    I want to marry this review.

  • so shut the fuck and leave him alone

    I want to marry this typo.

  • sanity fair

    It IS a pretty fantastic typo. You could do worse than that typo.

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