Pajiba

DC is no Ryan Reynolds.

Almost worth seeing just to laugh at how pathetic JS is but I will save my cash and wait for DVD.

Oddly enough, Queer As Folk had some really good material with the retail-as-slice-of-humanity-and-also-total-Hell stuff going on. I never really thought about how few films/shows there are out there about this job that SO many people have. Yet, there have been multiple movies about garbage men, waitrons, truck/bus/delivery drivers etc...
(Take that Justin Timberlake!) This is my new mantra.

Best Quote yet on this here website:

Joe Simpson, i.e., Jessica's cleavage, or what I like to euphemistically refer to as "Papa's Bears,"

You mean to say that Jackass II isn't homosexual propaganda? And I hope the "freebird yeller" didn't detract from the OCMS show too much.

Ryan Reynolds > Dane Cook

Amen

I made a comic about that Freebird fucker like a year and a half ago:

http://mitchclem.com/nothingnice/index.php?pageNum_Recordset2=211

Awesome review. And fuck Dane Cook.

"I just think it's fantastic that director Greg Coolidge (Sorority Boys) finds new and exciting ways to infantilize women, objectify them as mounds of flesh one can rest upon a counter, and then make them appear bubbly and intellectually deficient, thereby affording the men in the audience an opportunity to feel smarter by comparison. I mean, really, isn't that the entire basis for Jessica Simpson? Indignify her with knee-high boots and low-cut, nipply, see-through tops and give her vacuous dialogue that she can deliver while batting her eyelashes, and then allow men to figuratively pull out their penises and engage in medieval cockfights (or ring-offs at a cash register, here) over a woman who will interminably make them feel intellectually superior because the victor has been awarded the literal booby prize? "

Wow, you were really bored with this movie to make this kind of statement about a Jessica Simpson movie!

Fuck this movie. Does anyone know where the Trailer Park Boys Movie is playing in the US?

"Certainly, the retail environment is a ripe premise, and one that has been relatively untouched, save for some minor exploration in The Good Girl and a superficial once-over in 40-Year-Old Virgin."

Dustin, I am ashamed of you, leaving out the definitive portrayal of retail ennui, CLERKS!

Author's Note: Damn. That may be the most embarrassing oversight I've ever made. Head. Shame. Me.

Vapidity is the only escape for a tortured intellectual like Jessica Simpson. One cannot imagine the astounding and massive intelligence that lurks in her breas...head. Chicken of the Sea Tuna being actually made of chicken! Come on folks, who but a supreme genius would make that association. Her cleava...head is all that she has going for her. Far be it for us to judge her by the size of her...um...cranium.

Actually Cook's first movie, was 'Simon Sez' with Dennis Rodman...I feel dirty for knowing that.

Dane Cook is as funny as Jessica Simpson is talented. He couldn't carry Patton Oswalt's jock with a backbrace and pair of vice grips...

Wow, looks from the comments like it's not just the guys in the film who delight in the dumb-blonde schtick played so well by Jessica Simpson and her breasts. Luckily, people who read Pajiba can indulge their egos too, and bask in their (it's all relative, folks) sophisticated wit.

Somebody's been reading Idolator lately...

Thank you for telling us why exactly is Dane Cook annoying, you've saved us plently of highschool class-clown wanabee flashbacks.

may i ask what hippie colony/college town in upstate ny you live in? i also live in a hippie colony/college town in upstate ny....

Free Bird isn't one word :D Good article though.

I tried to like Dane Cook. I really tried. All my friends told me "This guy is HILARIOUS, he's amazing. You HAVE to watch his stand up." So, I bought his comedy central presents special for my ipod. It was a barely tolerable 23 minute scream fest- if I ever hear Dane Cook say the word "pickles" again, I may have to castrate him. My friends insist that I'll like his cd, "Harmful If Swollowed". Guess what? I didn't! And I didn't like the hour long stand up special I saw on HBO either. It was grating, obnoxious, pathetically earnest and unoriginal. So yeah, I'll be skipping this movie.

So the moral of the story? Don't try to like Dane Cook when you can listen to Daniel Tosh instead, his contemporary whose 1000 times funnier.

Wait, wasn't Dane Cook is that awful movie "Waiting" as well?

Dane Cook is OK in doses, in my opinion...I don't see why people find him that funny (I remember seeing some snippet about Jessica Alba calling him the "next Steve Martin"...what is it with Dane and stupid Jessicas?), but I will admit, some of his stuff makes me chuckle. Just a bit. I can't stand him for more than 30 minutes though.

"Wow, looks from the comments like it's not just the guys in the film who delight in the dumb-blonde schtick played so well by Jessica Simpson and her breasts. Luckily, people who read Pajiba can indulge their egos too, and bask in their (it's all relative, folks) sophisticated wit."

Dustin already acknowledged his hypocrisy. Can you?

In what may seem a sad attempt to "keep it real", I must admit that I saw Dane Cook on some obscure comedy show a few years back and thought he was the funniest thing alive. I also thought he blew everybody off the stage when he was on SNL last year. Fast-forward to Tourgasm: no longer that funny. What gives? I think he has unbelievable physical talent (if that makes sense), but that he's really catering to the lowest-common denominator these days.

That said, this movie sounds so shitty, it hurts.

I know this thread should be about the movie but I have to weigh in on Dane Cook. I teach high school, and have been hearing about this guy non-stop for the past two years so naturally I assumed he was about funny as the last thing they insisted I watch; Napolean Dynamite, which is to say, Not very. Finally I caught his new HBO special, and was surprised at how truly funny it (mostly) was. The bit about coming home from work knowing that you're going to cry? I haven't laughed out loud that hard in quite some time. But I do think he repeats himself too muchad that he's probably dumbing down a much sharper wit for a slow demographic, which is a shame.

i enjoy the recuring ryan reynolds references that dustin makes. i didn't see this one coming (after all, it's a jessica simpson movie), but i won't be picky. ryan rules!

cG , that in fact was Ryan Reynolds. And as for the power of Dane Cook, one of my best friends uses Cook's CD to help her sleep.

The Stew-

Dane Cook and Ryan Reynolds are both in "Waiting." FOr better or worse. Dane Cook is one of the line cooks, while Ryan Reynolds is a server. And, actually DC gets in a couple funny one-liners in an otherwise dreadful snoozfest.

Hi Vi -- my point was that some commenters are engaged in exactly the dynamic Dustin so astutely describes, not that he was doing it himself. No accuations of hypocrisy here, just pleased to see another in a string of witty, pointed, intelligent reviews.

I can't believe you still remmeber the time I came in and purchased the KY jelly, ribbed (for her pleasure) condoms and the gallon of milk. DOH!

Oh, but what a pair of mammaries!

Wow, Dustin. Your fine taste in music echoes your uncompromising taste in film! My husband used to be the FOH engineer for Old Crow. He and I both agree that the guy yelling "Freebird" between every song is the same guy who comes over every five minutes during the first set to tell you "turn up the git-tar". Then he worms his way to the front, groping groupies as he goes, and proceeds to dance like such an idiot that he spills his beer in a monitor wedge. Or on Willie's shoes. And the next day he tells everybody he sees that the show sucked because he couldn't hear the guitar. I hate that guy.

Which in some roundabout way means that I won't be seeing this film. Thanks, Dustin.

I want to like Dax Shepard, but I don't. Maybe part of it is his imdb bio, which starts with "Dax Shepard has always been the funniest guy in the room," or something like that, which is just patently untrue because I've seen him in a room with Seth Green on the video commentary to "Without a Paddle." I'm not sure that saying that is worth admitting that I watched the video commentary on "Without a Paddle," especially since as I've said I want to like the guy, but it's the truth. I dunno, he seems like the really nice guy that hung around you in high school or at the water cooler at work and told you jokes that weren't funny and you would laugh just because he was nice and you felt bad if you didn't laugh. Which, combined with Dustin's thoughts on Dane Cook (who I have ONLY seen in "Waiting..."), makes this a stunning duet of people that would annoy the crap out of me in real life, with a vapid twit on background vocals.

Seems like you've been getting the stinkers lately, eh Dustin? If memory serves, the last movie you liked was Half Nelson, which I recently watched and loved.

But onward, to Dane Cook. I'd comment on the movie, but since I refuse to acknowledge That Hooker's existence, I am unable to confirm or deny that there is a movie. But Dane Cook.

I don't know what's wrong with the interweb these days, but my understanding is that through the use of spamming tactics this Cook character ingratiated himself on the public. To be honest, I hadn't even heard of him until That Hooker and her unfortunate former husband broke up and That Hooker and Cook were linked in the rags.

The only entertaining thing about this movie might be trying to tell which parts Andy Dick is sober in and which parts he's stoned out of his gourd.

Got my car serviced this last weekend. The place I go to is next to a movie theater so I usually drop my car off and then duck out and go to the movies - something I don't get to do very often. Anyway my waiting-for-my-car movie trips are usually when I indulge in big bloated blockbuster fare or dumbass comedies that I can't get anyone to see with me. Imagine my disappointment when the bloated blockbuster was the Martin Lawrence Bear cartoon and the dumbass comedy was Employee of the Month. I passed. I ended up reading magazines in the waiting room instead. 5,000 miles from now there better be some better movies out there!

I saw it last night. I don't mind DC, personally---his cd "Harmful If Swallowed" kills me. However, Jessica is absolutely so wretched I left angrier than after Fahrenheit 9/11. She is a vapid wasteland.

Best movie reviews in the business. You are my hero.

Katie, I'm pretty sure the hippie colony/college town is Ithaca. That's where I live. You too?

Katie, I'm pretty sure the hippie colony/college town he refers to is Ithaca. I'm only guessing that because I live there. You too?

"And whoever wins Employee of the Month, presumably will also win a date with two pounds of silicone."

Don't you mean TEN pounds?!!!

Wow, I've left one or two scathing comments on your reviews in the past, as I find them at times insufferably pedantic, but this one was spot on, and my feminist self is beaming. You are so right about Jessica. God, when will she go away? It's like J-Lo, how many bad performances in awful movies do you get before someone pulls the plug?

I don't understand the Dane Cook phenomenon, I saw him on Jimmy Kimmel one night and didn't know who the hell he was, and then I caught about 5 minutes of his stand up special on HBO, where he talked about going down on women with smelly vaginas. Ha! Ha! Misogyny is so funny and original!

Just for the record, Dane Cook sucks. I saw "Employee of the Month" for free and I still want some money back.

It's the worst suckfest since "Battlefield Earth."

A-

Are you saying your vagina doesn't reek like the dumpster behind Red Lobster? Insufferably pedantic, indeed.

he talked about going down on women with smelly vaginas.

Okay, so that is too bad to hear. Yet not surprising---he is a male, after all.

I love you, Dustin. I have never understood the appeal of Dane Cook, and you have summed it up for me. This movie looked like a pile of exrement that my friends would try to get me to go see. Definitely not going to give in now.

"and then I caught about 5 minutes of his stand up special on HBO, where he talked about going down on women with smelly vaginas."

Does anybody else think he frats it up because he's gay and wants to avoid detection? I was shocked to discover he was straight.

To the Freebird cartoonist,
id say your cartoon is funny except 'pits' are the stupid thing you will see at a concert.
Why allow morons who arent watching the damn show to jerk off on each other infront of the stage...where the BEST seats are. You want to feel each other off? Go to the back of the concert venue, go to the washrooms or even parking lot but dont do it in the BEST place to watch a concert.
When you take some skank to the movies, do you sit right in front of the screen and try to feel her up? No.

Do a comic about this most moronic of habits and Ill suck your dick. Or at least get Dane Cock to do it.

It's weird to encounter other Old Crow fans randomly.

It's weird to run into Mitch Clem posting his ridiculous comics in random spots, too. "It's like Family Circus, but punk rock!" This girl I know has ol' Mitch on her Livejournal, so I'm forced to encounter every one of his completely unhumorous drawings. The only funny bits are when he claims to be a "competant artist," or something along those lines.

It seems I have nothing to say about this film.

Dustin, thank you once again for saving me from two hours of my life I would never get back. I just about went to see this "movie" last weekend. My wife's idiot sister and her idiot husband were talking about how funny Dane Cook is and how much this movie would "rule". I almost bought into it. Until I saw about 30 seconds of DC stand up comedy... Thanks for saving me from that movie.

"When it comes right down to it, isn't that why men enjoyed "Newlyweds"? For its ability to reaffirm the male's dominant status in 22-minute increments?"

Men enjoyed that show?

I'm curious about something, and let me preface this by saying that I love gay people and I'm not an apologist for people who can't handle them being around. So the question is where this thing comes from that if you make jokes about gay people it means you're probably gay. If people are making mean-spirited jokes about gay people it makes them intolerant or homophobic if that's your slant, but why would it make them gay? When people tell racist jokes it makes them racist, it doesn't make them whatever race they're making fun of. More to the point, David Cross can't get through an episode of Arrested Development without at least alluding to his character's ambiguous sexuality, but I have yet to hear a reviewer or commenter here or elsewhere say he's hiding the fact that he's gay by joking about being gay. I suppose there are two options; one is that people say this about the frat boys and comedians who play to the guys because they know it would get their goat, and the other is that people need to look a bit at their own prejudices and what they are throwing around as an "insult."

employee of the month = bad. i only went to see it because i needed to pass the time between not doing school work and not doing school work.

i'll probably be stoned for this...but i found waiting entertaining...then again, i worked at a restaurant very similar to the one in the movie, as much as i hate to admit that such places exist.

Eep - oh, no. It's funny - when I posted about suspecting that Dane was gay I worried that I'd come off as thinking that being gay would be the perfect punishment for somebody as fratty as Dane C. Not what I meant at all, but I communicated that really poorly. I mean that when he started out I thought he was this hilarious gay comedian and that, as his popularity has soared amongst the frat set, he seems to have become more of a misogynist (i.e. "smelly vagina" bit) in response to that.

The last thing I want is to be perceived as homophobic. I love y'all!

Hahaha, no, Samantha, I wasn't suggesting that you were homophobic. More frat boy-phobic or something. That's why I brought up the whole David Cross thing. Like he seems to have the same obsession with allusions to homosexuality that the frat boys do, but either because of his politics or his non-threatening image of a balding guy who doesn't try too hard to be cool and has very little self-consciousness when it comes to making people laugh, nobody seems to think there's anything subtextually homoerotic about it.
My point in talking about prejudices was just to see if I could get people to look at how they examine people based on whether or not they like them to begin with. David Cross appeals to the people who write and visit the site, thus there's nothing wrong with him gravitating toward humor directed at the fact that his character has gay tendencies. Knoxville, Dane Cook, et. al. don't appeal so much to the people who view this site, so when they make jokes involving gay people, it's to suppress the fire in their loins that would expose them for what they really are and destroy them from shame if anyone found out. It's prejudice. It's the same mechanism, whether you think you're using it for good or evil.
Before anybody jumps off the deep end, I don't think it's a particularly large problem in the world that frat boys are being put-upon, and I love David Cross, and I don't particularly like Dane Cook or the whole Jackass thing, and I also don't like the fact that sometimes I find them funny too. So I'm not trying to raise the flag in defense of some people and charge against others. I just want people to think about the way they think about other people.

Dustin, your apparent hatred for breasts comes shining through once again in what has become an alarming trend of antiglandular sentiment at Pajiba. While not possessing breasts myself, I am a firm supporter of mammarian rights ("supporter" in the sense of "a person who offers intangible support," not in the sense of "twin-cupped foundation garment"). This latest attack on traditional American bosom values is the final straw, and I will be canceling my subscription. Good DAY to you, sir!

Eep - ah, yes. Your point is far more nuanced than I understood it to be. Very interesting points, all of them: what's the frattiness tipping point that makes humor about gay people a product of self-hatred or not? You're right: I could listen to David Cross's stand-up bit about the gay man roller-blading "with conviction" in Chelsea all day without thinking to myself "Is David Cross secretly gay?" Meanwhile, if, say, Jimmy Kimmel did the same thing I'd be thinking "Boyfriend is hiding something."

God, I hate Jimmy frigging Kimmel.

I just watched this movie today, and it wasn't too great, but Dane is SOOO hot.

u no wut JS is an amazing actress. there is no one better no matter what people say. and i belive that she should get a freaking oscar for that role. this movie was really good. u should c it

Doing a bit about women who have smelly vaginas is not an act of misogyny. Cook is talking about a particular sub-set of women with poor personal hygiene, and thus is not making a generalization about all women/vaginas. Some vaginas smell, some don't. Some smell good, some smell bad. One is not encouraged to hate women by listening to a comedian decsribe his horrible experience with one smelly vagina. Hating, disliking, or being grossed out by one or many members of a group does not mean you automatically feel the same way about the whole.

It is okay that you are offended easily, but offense is not the test for misogyny.

Oh, and Dane Cook does in fact suck.

I like Dane Cook, and I enjoyed this movie. It would be nice if you people would just say what you think rather than agreeing with everyone else. The dude sells out every show he has. I bet some of you like him, but are afraid to say so because you think someone else will think less of you. Screw that, and screw them. I like Dane Cook, and I liked this movie.

yeah I loved this movie. I can't believe people didn't like his HBo "vicious Circle" I thought it was his best show yet. I loved it