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Where Did the Bad Pajiba Touch You?

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | July 12, 2010 | Comments ()


Spiritually-Correct-Doll.jpg

All right, so I'm writing this about an hour before the World Cup final starts, because I figure that in a couple of hours I'm either gonna be too angry (if Spain wins) or too drunk with joy (if Holland wins) to write anything coherent. And I have to go and make myself some margaritas to properly enjoy this thing and so, don't have much time to write.

I mean, really, if you're not watching the game you just have my sympathies for having no joy in your life. I just know I'll be sad that I won't be able to go insane over games on Facebook--all my friends there probably have me hidden because I get very, um, shouty. And start swearing like a pirate. I'll miss that.

So. Hope you had a great weekend and that the week ahead gives you good things, etc etc etc. People in the Upper East Coast: don't die. Come to Texas and enjoy our low 90s weather for the week AND our fully A/C'd city. Bwahaha.

Rah rah, go Holland! Here's your top 10:

10. Mad Max: Fury Road sounds like a movie that would have both Pantera AND Garth Brooks singing on the soundtrack, and frankly, that makes me want to kill myself. --The Pink Hulk

9. I've had them before, but the only one I remember vividly is from over a decade ago, where I screwed the living bejesus out of Betty on a pool table at a country club while Barney and Fred were out on the golf course. The three of them were cartoons, and everything else was real-world.

...

Yes, I still go to town on myself occasionally with that one. --Skitz

[It's not an EE without Skitz, is it? Also, that column provided 2 more of this week's best comments. You people are SICK and hilarious, but we already established that a very long time ago.]

8. Robert Pattinson in:
Die Every Day
On Her Majesty's Secret Sparkletits
License to Wash Your Hair
From Russia with Loathe

And his first foray into the world of 007

Isapussy --D-Day

7. Along with shows about women who treat their wombs like E-Z Bake ovens, fat people shows and little people shows are proliferating faster than the Dugger clan. It's the modern day equivalent of a traveling "freak show" but put out there for people to slyly mock.

Maybe we should just skip the show about armed fat people thrown into an arena to fight each other while attempting to catch little people carrying chocolate covered babies and go directly to "Ouch, My Balls." --Smokey

[The sad thing is that that show about the fat people in the arena? Probably in the works for next year.]

6. Good grief.

I have dreams about venomous snakes mocking me, aliens attacking me or venomous alien snake ninjas jumping up by my bed sticking their face in mine and yelling to scare me then leaving.

What do I have to do to have dreams that might be fun while freaking me out?

Seriously, you have no idea just how terrifying it is to wake up in a cold sweat thinking a venomous alien snake ninja is lurking in your apartment... under the bed. That's right. Under the bed. Because it wouldn't make sense for a venomous alien snake ninja to hang out anywhere else.

Shut up. --lubeg

5. I put Chris Farley and Mo'nique in the same category: Lose 50 pounds and they'd be working in a goddamn Safeway where they belong. --Tracer Bullet

Well, Chis Farley's been dead for like, what, a decade, so I don't see his career causing anyone any future trouble. --twig

You're right.

He's probably lost some weight during the last decade as well, so he's probably not funny anymore either. --clocker

[Deliciously morbid.]

4. "Now, show us on this doll where Pajiba touched you, jM."

[points wildly at everything... then at grandma... then at the dog] --jM

3.. I mourned for what must have been weeks after this on Facebook (Facebook time to Real time conversion approximately 22 minutes). Most of you are aware of my childhood dream to become a Bond girl so this news hurts me. It cuts me real deep.

And this Pattiwhosenwhatson news is ever more disparaging. I think I need to go hold a candle-light vigil for the Bonds that have gone before me.

Sean Connery, who art in hedonism, hallowed be thy chest hair. Brosnan, deliver us from evil, as we forgive Dalton who trespasses against us. Yay, though I walk through the valley of Craig, I shall fear no Moore (and that other one).

Amen.

Wow, should I just jump in the hand basket now or will someone just chauffeur me to hell? --Kayanne

2. The 11th Commandment: The Lord spake and he did say:

Thou shalt not drop it like it is hot if thou is male. Also, did he decree, that thou shalt be sackless to roll that tootsie. Lo be to his name that if thou is male and commits this sacrilege thou shalt be cast among the wandering damned. Though thou may seek his forgiveness, if thou is elderly thou wilst burn until thine skin is wrinkled and of tanned hide, which is just. Yea though The Lord in his mercy shall excepteth if thoust wear the colours of the rainbow. Amen. --admin

[You know, the best thing about having to read all the comments is that sometimes I can save myself from watching some of the truly horrible videos that Dustin posts in his Evilness. Like that one with the old man. NEVER clicking on that.]

1. [Exhales]

I had a dream one time where I was driven by some sort of invisible force to rub up against all sorts of machinery and electronics. I did this with a blender, my boyfriend's xbox, a set of powertools, etc.

And when I did this, the appliance that I had been grinding on would turn into a person and thank me for returning them to human form and then float away.

It's kind of like King Midas's golden touch. Except the hand is my vagina.

--penelope

****

I have no words other than...just...no, I have no words. You win, Penelope. I have to admit that I cannot WAIT for this column to go up and for the comments to start coming in in reaction to that dream. Because. Hot damn. I think you're my new favorite!

****

Edit: I only realized this after I had written the column, but Penelope won a couple of weeks ago for that ... strangely honest post about wanting to bang Alan Rickman's voice box and wanting to have its babies. Hee. Any other time I'd judge a previous winner a bit more harshly and not give two wins so close to each other but COME ON. How could I NOT give that the win? I think you'll understand.

If you don't, well, um. I don't care. Nyah.

****

Edit: Spain won. Fuckitol.

Figgy is a displaced Honduran living in Dallas, TX. You can read more of her ramblings at her blog or follow her on twitter .




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