The Top 20 Comments of 2009

By Mrs. (!) Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | December 31, 2009 |

By Mrs. (!) Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | December 31, 2009 |

The title says it all. The year’s almost over and…well, why shouldn’t I do this list?

Here’s how I went about it. I looked through all of this year’s EE columns (including those that came before the hiatus) and well, just looked. And the ranking doesn’t really matter, except for my number one. Oh, and the top five. Because I rule this joint. And that’s all.

Happy New Year!

20. What frigging help is it to the narrative for me to find out that some dude is riding an Otis elevator? As opposed to … well, whatever other company makes elevators? —eddie

Not sure if you get them in other countries, but I occasionally come across elevators made by a company called Schindler. Which, of course, leads to me giggling out loud every time I enter one, before pointing at the Schindler logo and saying “Schindler’s Lift!” to anyone else who might be in there with me. —Daniel Hall

19. I truly don’t understand how people can watch this shit. I pretty much hate almost everyone, but even I don’t hate humanity enough to be amused by what looks like (from the promos for these awful shows, plus a few seconds I was unfortunate enough to catch while channel surfing) the highlight reel from “America’s Most Repellent Skanks.” Come to think of it, I’d consider watching that show, if only once. At least that title would be honest.

Note: I was going to use the “C word” in that title, but thought it might be crossing a line/get deleted. —Slash

Cœlacanth? —TK

Ciclotron? —BarbadoSlim

Cuddle parties? —Tracer Bullet

Cisogyny. —branded

18. “And in conclusion, ‘There can be only one!’” was how I ended my very last debate in high school. Looking back on it, I think everyone was relieved when I graduated. — zoe

17. godtopus knows i’d blow timur bekmambetov for the asking, but i was hoping this would be about a black superhero with, you know, lightning powers.

and a plunging disco neckline.

and some catch-y punchline, like “sweet christmas!”

and a bevy of hoochies.

(wait, is a ‘bevy of hoochies’ the proper phrase?) —gp

16. Oh Tarn, obviously you haven’t met the Pajibabies, they’re silent killers. They make not a sound when launched from the MurderTank’s fetapult. You just don’t know they’re coming until one smacks into you and sinks it’s minature talons of death into your cartoid. In fact, they have specially designed armour a la Thibbledorf Pwent’s Gutbuster Brigade. They just kind of latch on and spazm until there is nothing left of you but a bloody pile of juicy ground chuck and a sneaker.

Oh yes, my friends, they are little gurgling, cooing, pooping balls of adorable demise. —admin

15. 1. Ok first off, I don’t smell. The essence of pansies and red wine gently wafts from my hair as it is blown back by the wind machine I keep at my desk. Second…I fucking LOVED Dreamphone. I wish I created Dreamphone. I would have made it say “Troy bought you roses! Isn’t he sweet? He’s one charm bracelet away from sticking it in your ass! — Julie

14. You know, I can’t think of Dune or David Lynch without remembering a dream my boyrfriend had:

He’s climbing up a spiral staircase and encounters a pretty woman arguing with a very humanistic android that looks like Ed Norton (imagine Robin Williams in Bicentennial Man but with Ed Norton in the costume). They are arguing about something, and then Capt. Benjamin Sisko from DS9 comes in from nowhere and says “How would you like to hear THIS man talk about OVERSEAS TRADE?!?”

At that point I told him that the only thing keeping this from being a David Lynch dream would be the arrival of a little talking bladder, which would splort onto the scene and say “Fuck, I’m staying out of this one, guys.” And then splort back out.

I guess that’s how I feel about David Lynch. —Cat

13. I no longer wish for a real life unicorn. I no longer dream of brushing its mane and feeding it sugar cubes before riding into the sunset as its iridescent horn glowed rainbows even in the faintest light. Now I know the shocking truth: unicorns are filthy whores with over sized genitalia. There’s now a hole in my life not even a unicorn could fill. — Robert

12. You’re a weird kind of heterosexual - Candie

[about Dustin’s obsession with RyRy]

11. I’ve never been proposed to, unless you count the dazed ramblings of a tranked panda. And, unfortunately, the details that my parents gave me of their engagement are vague at best. Something about my grandpa, a shotgun, daddy’s best friend Jim Bean, and the buns my mom was baking in the oven at the time. It’s strange, though. My mom never bakes and even though my dad and Mr. Bean are inseparable and apparently smell the same, I’ve never actually met him. But they assure me that is was all very romantic, like in the movies! —jM

10. I use my chaos generator to make singularity smoothies. A little time travel, some paradoxes, Schrodinger’s cat and some frozen yogurt. Blend until smooth. There’s only a 50/50 chance the cat is actually in it. —mrcreosote

9. Police have reported that they have released the sunshine without bail, that the moonlight has been eliminated from their investigations, the good times have an alibi, but the boogie is still being held for questioning. —Dill The Devil

[about MJ’s death]

8. That is one pissed-off crotchfruit up there! My ovaries just ran and hid behind my kidneys. —tarn

[about an angry baby picture]

7. We’re the sensation, sweepin’ Fox nation- The station, Believin’ in creation, makin’ a donation to the GOP foundation.

It’s a temptation, to believe in deflation. But we step back, fix that.

AND EXPORT DEMOCRACY TO THIRD WORLD NATIONS!

*Other guy jumps in*

Yo Yo! We’re the big white guys takin’ our country back.

That’s why we gave AIDS to all the blacks.

*Awkward Silence* —Optimus Rhyme

6. About a week ago, I tried their Kanye Western Omelette, which was touted as “OUR BEST OMELETTE EVER!! THIS OMELETTE REDEFINES EVERYTHING YOU THINK YOU KNEW ABOUT BREAKFAST!! IT TRANSCENDS ALL BREAKFAST PLATTERS THAT HAVE COME BEFORE IT AND RAISES THE BAR TO A HEIGHT THAT NO OTHER COMBINATION OF EGGS, SAUSAGE, GREEN PEPPERS AND HASH BROWNS COULD EVER HOPE TO ACHIEVE!! ANYONE WHO DOESN’T LOVE THE KANYE WESTERN IS A FOOL!! PEACE!!!!!!!! —Skitz

[On breakfast ideas based on celebrities…or something.]

5. Many of you may have read the recent New Yorker article about James Cameron that revealed he likes to have the sound effect of a submarine klaxon diving horn to let him know he’s needed on set.

What the article didn’t reveal? His favorite meal to eat on set which is a salad made with… ahem:

A-ROO-gala! A-ROO-gala! —TheUpsetter

4. My vagina used to be depressed, but then I put her on zoloft, and now she’s happy as a clam. — Marra

3. 22 years? Feels like this has been on for about 40 years. All that being said, it is my goal as an old lady to be arrested at some point while drunken, shoeless, and with exactly one tit hanging out of my sequined tank top. I’ve never been arrested in my life and I’m saving it up for that. I’m thinking at some point in my 70s. Because then I can also scream shrilly about how the cuffs are hurting me and I’ll be an old lady with that one sad tit hanging out like wet sand in the foot of pantyhose and the big burly handsome cops will want to look away because they’ll realize through listening to me even in my drunken state how intelligent I am and feel sad and wonder how I got to the point I’m at, what has happened in my life and if I was pretty when I was young (yes).

All of this will be on COPS, which will be in its 156th season. So look for me. I will probably still be dying my hair dark brown and, at that point, doing Amy Winehouse-style eye makeup. —Snuggiepants the Deathbringer

2. I imagine that Bruce Willis will play the grizzled veteran with a complicated past. There will be a balls-out rookie with a glint in his eyes who wants to take him down, and some black guy from the south (just like this season!), who just wants to give his kid a decent chance. I also see a hulking Russian who was rumored to have knocked-out a Polar Bear with one punch, and a hot tomboy (just like this season!), who gives just as good as she gets, and takes off her top in a shower scene. Terrorists will descend on the north, attempting to destroy some gas field or nascent green technology that would free the west from dependence on Middle East oil, and only this ragtag group of ice truck drivers can save humanity. Aerosmith will do the soundtrack.

I swear on all that the most magnificent Godtopus has created and destroyed, I would rather see this movie than about 2/3 of what is coming or proposed out of Hollywood today.

Samples from the script:

“Yippee Ky Yay, Ice Truckers!!!”

“But, my dad was an Ice Trucker, and I promised my mom I wouldn’t follow in his footsteps…then she got the gout and we have to pay for that surgery somehow!”

“I look out from my front porch in Russia, and I see Sarah Palin staring at me. I send pet polar bear, who I tame by punching in face, to attack. But, polar bear impregnant daughter. Bear stupid!”

“I can drive an ice truck as well as any of you SOB’s. I can do anything you can, I’m as good as any of you, AND I’ve got THESE…” (rips off top to expose DD’s)

“Don’t wanna close my eeeyyyyeeessss/ cuz I might freeze and diiiiiieeeees/ oh, I missed the whale/ but I don’t wanna miss the seals….. —dammitjanet

And #1 is a tie between the two comments that made me laugh the hardest this year. Congratulations!

1a. OMG! I just totally got home to visit my family and logged on to the computer in my room which was like totally screwed becuz of a virus and is really slow and the speakers didnt work so like, I had NO SOUND OMG and I saw the trailer was up and I was like DAD I cant watch Buffmatron McGee get all beastial on Bella and he was like SUCH AN ASSHOLE to me and didnt even get that this is like MY LIFE. he was just like “OMG your 27 and, like, a GUY”

And I’m like What. The. Fuck. Ever.

Totally —TSF

1b.“Fuck” is the “fuck” for the pre-school crowd. At least in my house.

We’re trying to potty train my two-year-old. Yesterday she was on the potty, and this is the conversation between my her and my wife:

Daughter: “Get outta here Mommy! I’m going potty!”
Wife: “Fine, I don’t have to stay. Come get me when you’re done, sassy girl.”
Daughter: “Whatever, you’re fucking dirt anyway.”
Wife: “What did you say?!”
Daughter: “Sorry Mommy. I’m a good girl.”

You’re fucking dirt anyway. My two-year-old child actually said this, no lie. She says bad stuff all the time (we’re not exactly conservative in the language we use), but nothing as bad as that.

Usually it’s just something like “Where’s my damn ice cream?!” (yelled to the carhop at Sonic) or “Stupid ass dog!” (to our stupid ass dog).

She’s going to be a shining influence to our son.

And for the record, yes, she does get time-outs for using bad language. She can use it privately all she wants but I have no desire to be called into the teacher’s office at some point. —Snath

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It was an awesome year. Snath’s daughter is my hero. Have a great 2010, people!