The Pot and the Kettle
Well kids, figgy is back from her three week hiatus and will return to her position as Head Mistress of the Eloquent Eloquence this week. Hopefully you’ve enjoyed my EE posts and think I’m pretty swell and nice and funny. (Or at least you don’t hate me. I’ll take being tolerated.) I have loved reading all of the comments on this site despite being scared shitless that my head would explode and my bowels would escape through my bellybutton after reading ALL OF THE THINGS instead of some of the things.
The majority of the commenters on this site are gifted with the hilarious and have made this job something closely resembling A JOY. Also, despite liking to pretend otherwise, the majority have hearts beating quietly in their dark little chests that make appearances every once in a while. A couple of commenters, however, are pure shit kickers. These commenters are the ones that complain no matter what changes are made or not made. They see a thread with heartfelt expressions for the post’s author and think “This would be a good place to make a stupid and unfunny quip about race!” They complain about an author in their thread in the most unhelpful and least constructive way possible. I almost put together a half and half list with the best 5 and the worst 5, but I didn’t want to be all Jezebel.com shame-the-commenters-that-make-the-site-possible. And I think I’ve given enough attention and thought to those that find their joy in being asshats.
On with the comments! You were all pretty verbose this week.
**BONUS**: This entire thread is Eloquent and FUBAR. I find it hilarious even though I have a guilty pleasure love of the Twilight books and movies. (At least I don’t have my entire back tattooed with the characters. I just have that full sleeve.)
10 - “I took typing in the spring of 1986. The class was taught on IBM Selectrics. The teacher drove a Corvette, used spray tan back when it was even AWFULER, wore jeans looking like they were spray painted on, three inch heels, and had hair up to the ceiling. She was in her 50s.
She’d call out in her thick twang “ELL! ELL! ELL! SPAYCE! ELL! ELL! ELL! SPAYCE!”
And I LEARNED TWO PUT TWO GODDAMNED SPACES AFTER ENDING PUNCTUATION. YOU HAD POINTS TAKEN OFF IF YOU DIDN’T. YOUR TYPING TEST WAS RETURNED TO YOU RED-INKED AND GOD HELP YOU IF YOU GOT A FAILING GRADE IN GODDAMNED TYPING, WHAT ARE YOU AN IDIOT? DO I HAVE TO GET OUT THE BELT AND BEAT SOME SENSE INTO YOU?
NO DADDY NO!! NO!! I’M SORRY! I’LL REMEMBER NEXT TIME! I WON’T GET A FAILING GRADE IN TYPING, I PROMISE, IT’S JUST ONE TEST GRADE, I’LL DO BETTER!
I! BET! YOU! WILL! GOD! DAMMIT!
So, kids. There are some of us who will stop placing two spaces after ending punctuation when we DIE. Ok? Some of us were rather traumatized about it, alright? So you can take your hoity-toity removing Pluto as a planet. You can jerk around the astrological signs. (What’s next, wanna take something out of ROYGBIV? Wanna change up the notes of the musical scale?)
BUT NEVER WITH THE SPACES.” - Snuggiepants
[My typing teacher in ninth grade had spider-lashes that cracked and fell off in clumps as she blinked. (I believe that she took cosmetology courses from Baby Jane Hudson with an emphasis on the Just Cake More Of That Shit On The Next Day method.) And we were also taught the ways of the double space and we feared and respected that double space, though it was on an old school computer. LONG LIVE THE DOUBLE SPACE.]
9 - “WHERE is the money coming from for these?
Is there some sort of secret millionaire puppet master who only funds Cuba Gooding Jr films?
“I have a screenplay about Charlemagne.”
“Will my good friend Cuba be Charles le Man?”
“Well, no, see Charlemagne was Europ-“
“No Cuba, no money. Now get off my submarine.”” - Ian
[I’m going to need this secret millionaire puppet master’s contact information. Let’s just say I have a sweet little horror movie starring one Mrs. Butterworth just waiting to be snapped up and made. Call me.]
8 - “Could everyone just take a step &$#*@ back for a second?! Your smoldering intense eyebrowness is lighting my couch on fire.
I can’t find my (prescription) sunglasses and it’s like the goddamn rapture in here.” - Rebeccass
[This comment really paints a picture for me. A picture that features Kirk Cameron running around outside, flailing his arms wildly at the sky as he screams “Don’t forget me!” and Rebeccass inside, calmly putting on her shades and extinguishing her couch. It’s a Thomas Kinkade.]
7 - “Even drunken party whiskey clowns are evil.
You’d think that would get a pass - you know “Kegger the Clown”.
Sounds like he’d be awesome, until he starts making balloon animals with condoms and randomly “honking” people’s “horns”. That’s why he’s not in the second shot.
He rode a flaming mini bicycle off the roof, shit his pants (he shits orange… ‘nuff said) and passed out between Hendrick’s boobs.
Fuckin’ clowns.” - Odnon
[True story: I watched Poltergeist for the first time in about fifteen or so years a while back. The Kid was in bed and The Husband was asleep as well. When it got to that damned clown on the son’s bed? I screamed like that motherfucker was materializing out of the wall and attempting to wrap me in a cotton candy cocoon so he could drank my blood. Fuckin’ clowns indeed.]
6 - “Stub N’Go sounds more like a drive-through gas station glory hole than a spray on fake beard…. or maybe there is just something seriously wrong with me.” - the bees knees
[It isn’t just you. Trust me on this.]
5 - “I just watched ‘Killers’ on cable over the weekend. I’m not sure how it ends, because part-way through the film I believe my brain imploded. If there had been any energy left in my body I believe I would have started crying.
I’ve seen a lot of films I never want to see again. This one made me never want to see ANY film ever again.
This is the Nickelback of movies is what this is.” - 93curr
[FUCK NICKELBACK. That is all.]
4 - “nothing to add here,
but this post was looking sad,
no comments Rusty.” - L.O.V.E.
“I find formalism
Bland, technically correct
So pure, I might die” - Ender
“It’s finally here
Piranha 3D O’ yea
Good times roll today” - Rykker
[It’s a motherfucking haiku explosion in the DVD Releases comments. So nice.]
3 - “There was a huge hole left in the heart of the straight to DVD market that needed to be filled when Wesley Snipes was put in the clink. They’ve found their champion in Cuba Gooding Jr. Personally, I can’t wait for all the movies they’ll be starring in together when Wesley Snipes is released.
The Pot and The Kettle
- Incendiary drama about the economic and social divide between two very different men who come to realize, they’re not so different after all. Co-starring Delroy Lindo as a would-be Morgan Freeman.
- When their brother (Ving Rhames, Michael Clarke Duncan, or some other Black actor that needs the work) is slain by a Mexican drug cartel, two brothers venture beyond the border on a mission of vengeance. Co-starring John Leguizamo, Cheech Marin, and Rosie Perez.
Line of Sight
- Competing sniper assassins form an uneasy alliance in order to take down the organization behind the death of a former mentor. Co-starring Ray Liotta, Simon Baker, and Amy Smart.
- Dwayne and Dale put the “bad” in Badminton. Street Badminton. But can the Black Birdies beat out rival team, The Shuttlecocks, to make an Olympic bid in 2012 thus saving their crumbling community center? We’ll find out in this screwball comedy from the minds that worked as PA’s on Dodgeball. Co-starring Eddie Griffin, Dan Fogel, DJ Qualls, Chris Kattan, Nia Long.” - jM
[You didn’t win, but please enjoy this voucher for a complimentary massage from a qualified masseuse panda. I hear that tipping bamboo increases your chances of getting roofies into the panda’s system and locking them in your basement.]
2 - “Wild Wild West, Jim West, desperado, rough reviews
No you don’t want sequels
None of this, plot, nuance, or fun in this, brothas run from this,
Buffalo soldier, historically, not really, but I told ya
Any damsel that’s in the press
Be out of that seat rest when she watch Jim West
Big paycheck, so cry “action!”, and abide
Watch your rep from New York to Marrakesh, get a Razzie in ya side
Swallow your pride, don’t let your fist react,
Will Smith don’t punch Barry Sonnenfeld, stay a family friendly cat,
With all of this, from the start of this,
Run from the set, apologize to Robert Conrad and figure out how to sell out next
Now who ya gonna call?” - D-Day
[Really? All I need to know is: did you bust this out quick and easy or did you Google the lyrics and then work to make this comment? It is pretty spectacular.]
1 - “The other hoarder being featured is a cat hoarder. I see where they’re going with this. Just get these two people together: rat problem, solved. Then they just need to find a dog hoarder to take care of the cat problem. After that: tiger hoarder.” - Lindsay
“Lindsay, you are a mad genius.” - MM
“Lindsay, it’s also handy because you need progressively fewer animals as you move up the chain. A bazillion rats only need a million cats, who only need a couple thousand dogs, etc., etc., so by the time you get to the end, you only need one Kraken.” -
“It’s beautiful, like the circle of life.” - Lindsay
[These are the kind of solutions that are missing on Hoarders. There should be one of two things happening in any given episode: the cleansing power of fire or the above animal food chain.
Great job! This week’s prize is an imaginary sticker that says “Job Well Done!” and has an anthropomorphic pencil smiling at you. Enjoy!]
Pinky McLadybits hopes that you don’t judge her for her unexplainable interest in Twilight. But if you do, she’ll judge you for your unhealthy obsession with whatever you’re ashamed of. SO THERE! Read her blog at Pinky McLadybits Has A Blog and maybe we can work something out concerning this guilty pleasure business.
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