Miniature American Flags for Everyone!
By Figgy | Posted Under Eloquent Eloquence | Comments (28)
Howdy, y’all! How you doin’? barbecue! Steak! Big truck! Shiner Bock! Cowboys! Yeehaw!
I’m trying to teach myself Texan. You know why? BECAUSE I AM NOW A LEGAL PERMANENT RESIDENT, BITCHES. Hoo yeah! I’m here to STAY. And take yer jaerbs! TEK ER JERS!
*cough*
Sorry. I’m just so damn excited I can’t even tell you. After two years, a shitload of money and a lot of heartache and stress, I’m finally here for good. Just got my Green Card, people. Just yesterday, too, when I had been expecting to wait at least another year to get it. It’s fucking amazing. AND it happened right after we’d come home from our own mini Texascon in Dallas with some gorgeous, awesome people; Ian, Snuggiepants, GP, Smokin and Melody. It was BITCHIN’. Seriously, everyone should join the facebook group and friend some jibans so you can all meet up, because damn, that’s always a party and a half.
So it was like the cherry on top of the Pajiba sundae, you know? I’m so damn happy it’s disgusting, and I’ll stop soon so I can get back to stealing your jobs. Oh shut up, the only one who can complain is Prisco because this was his job, but he didn’t want it anymore and it was just THERE, you know? I DO THE JOB NO ONE ELSE WANTS TO DO.
Though thank you to jM for doing it last week! There was so much panda rape I’m sure we’ll start a war with China soon.
Anyway. I’m writing this after feasting on pancakes, sausage, bacon, eggs, cheese and orange juice. I figure I’ll start eating like an American. Bwaha. No, but really. So fucking excited.
So here’s your list for this week. It was pretty busy around this part, with some minor but shocking events—Dustin might have broken up with RyRy’s abs, because they’re whoring around or something. And we all bitched about Julia Roberts a lot, which was cathartic. Here at Pajiba it’s Eat Souls, Pray for the Death of Your Enemies, Love the Hate.
10. MOTHER, I’M ACTIVATING THE SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE
So long, and thanks for all the fish.
Dustin Rowles’ Pajiba Lists: or How I Learned to Stop Giving a Shit and Love the Acid Trip
I’m grabbin’ my beer and hittin’ the slide Biotch!!! —Kahntahmp
[I love the note of despair. I also approve of the new name for certain SRLs…]
9. Hey, I have an idea for an original dance movie (inspired by actual events). It’d be called either Dance Party Revolution or DPR. A group of misfits from the local college - punks and hippies and proto-hipsters - gather together once a week to dance on a street corner outside the college bars. There’s no overarching plot, just a series of vignettes a la Clerks. They’d crash a formal college dance, battle with cops, and on one memorable occasion win a stand off with a handful of ROTC Marines who were offended that one DPR member’s outfit consisted of a blue speedo and American flag cape. Might also work in some not-quite DPR related incidents, like the time Mike and I tried to steal a pizza delivery car for a joyride but had to abort halfway to the car because there was a passenger. Ah, college. —dr. pisaster
[Why aren’t Pajibans writing all the movies? I’ve put up so many brilliant ideas on the EE that I’ve lost track.]
8. The only one I’ve seen was The Son of the Mask, and that was because of my wife’s boy - we enjoyed the original with Jim Carrey, so how bad could the sequel be, right? I’m no longer married to her. See, there’s ALWAYS a silver lining! —ElmoTee
7. Some people just didn’t take LeBron leaving that well, man.
*New favorite way to piss off fast food joints*
If they screw up your order or piss you off for whatever reason, pull back around and order a bunch of shit oddly personal and complicated. Like at McD’s, let’s just say you ordered a meal and they gave you the wet, wrinkly, half carton of fries. “Game on”, you say to yourself.
Proceed to pull back around (they work at a fast food joint, they won’t notice), and get creative.
“Yes, I’d like 4 Big Macs please. No cheese on two of them, one of the ones without cheese must not have pickles, I’m allergic. 3 of those should be the value meal, but for one of them I want to substitute my drink for a milkshake. For the one with a Sprite, also, no salt on the fries. One happy meal, but no ketchup on the burger, and please can you make sure we get the toy without the choking hazard? Two McFlurrys, one M&M McFlurry half chocolate/half vanilla, and the other should be a Reese’s Pieces McFlurry with two spoons instead of one. Oh, and we also need five of each kind of sauce you have, please.”
And just pull around, and keep fucking driving. Nothing illegal about that. Enjoy. —D-Day
[My grandma orders like that. It’s embarrassing and I’m sure we’ve had spit-on food. Funny when it’s a bitchy server, though.]
[Something else that happened this week is that we got a whole new crop of freaky spambots. It’s weird/fitting how they each seem to be advertising some bizarre fetish geared towards a specific group of people. And some are almost coherent. Soon they will achieve sentience.]
6. I always think old folks are kinda of special charming!! and so do many hot cougars
on______ Cougarmony.c o m _____ the place where hot and sincerely ageless
people meet and mingle, become friends and even more!!! —cuttiebabe123
Hey, great profile! How long have you been single? No sex for a year??!! wow!! don’t think I can make that!! especially when it comes so easy to hook up with some hot models and sexy chicks on ____Sugarmommamatch.——c o m -_____ the place you really should not miss out!! just think about how sensual and beautiful they are!! hwee… —ashly
I am not sure if people are aware of this but just wanted to gently point out that Brooke Shields unlike most actresses in Hollywood actually went to an Ivy league college (Princeton Univ.) and graduated. We have to give her some credit for this especially nowadays where most young actors are busy getting wasted every night.do u ever heard about sugardaddyhunt DOT com?the best place to get a sugarbaby or sugardaddy.i strong advise u singles go to have a look. —wolton
[I think I read someone’s comment saying that that last one was a quote from ANOTHER site? These spambots, they’re a plague! Or geniuses.]
5. What in the everloving fuck is a Jwoww? Some kind of slutty Jawa? I’m so confused. —The Other Agent Johnson
[Hee. That’s about right. Just add ginormous boobs.]
[This next is re: Drew Carrey’s freaky weight loss]
4. And what I really think is happening is the The Price is Right was hosted by Bob Barker for so long that he left some kind of genetic imprint upon the psychic essence of the show. As such, anyone in the host position will now slowly transform into that Silver Fox. In 5 years it’ll be Drew Who? And I think if we look back we’ll see it has happened before. —Optimus Rhyme
3. after reading this, my vagina is singing.
oh sweet jesus. my brain is so fried, i’ve forgone the rules of grammar and now i’ve made it seem like my vagina knows how to yodel.
WHICH IT TOTALLY FUCKING DOES.
let me try again:
upon reading this, i heard the sweet sounds of jock jamz emanating from betwixt my legs. but soft! what song through yonder vagina breaks?
Y’ALL READY FOR THIS…
duh nuh nuh nuhnt nuhnt nuht nuhtnuh nuhtnuh nuhnt nuhnt nuhtnuh nuhtnuh
oh fuck it. don’t pretend like you don’t know what my vagina is singing. —stopthemadness
[That made very little sense but oh god I crack up every time I look at it. Specially the singing vagina part.]
2. Ha! Somebody told me that this… that they saw (or heard, I mean) that um… That these trailers? I mean, that the trailer? For this movie? That on some adult sites that have movies and… well, whatever else I guess they show on those sites, they um… Well that sometimes before the clip starts and I’m… when they are getting ready to do their business, I watch it and it ruins my bo… It ruins their boner, I mean. Anyhow, I guess that’s what they show on those sites th…
Goddam you, Brian. Goddam you for even bringing this up. —Skitz
[Drumroll! Also I pray the formatting goes through for this one…]
1. Billo, buddy, you’re not digging deep enough in this Communist Hollywood plot!!! They are trying brainwash our precious children!! Have you seen the crazy documentaries that Hollywood has been unleashing on the population?! It’s outrageous!! It’s simply evil!!!
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
Toy Story
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
Aladdin
Where the Wild Things Are
Toy Story
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
That’s right! COMMUNISM! Don’t let them fool you with their RED AGENDA!!!
—Glenn Beck
****
HEY. SHUT THE HELL UP. Now that I’m gonna be an American for really reals, I’ve gotta be on the side of the most patriotic motherfucker in the land, don’t I? DON’T I? HE CRIES FOR HIS COUNTRY, DAMMIT.
Also that was fucking brilliant and if you don’t see it you can JUST GO BACK TO MEXICO YOU COMMIE. WHERE IS YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE?
Now, excuse me while I go bottle Mr. Beck’s tears and market them and sell them as miracle tears. And gonna buy me some flags. Miniature American flags for everyone! Yaaay!
Alright, see you next week, commies and fascists. Let us pray at the altar of Mr. Beck. Whoever wrote that comment: you’re my hero. Or heroine—ha! Just kidding! Everyone knows women aren’t funny. Right, Mr Beck?
Figgy is a displaced Honduran living in Dallas, TX. She is melting. You can read more of her ramblings at her blog or follow her on twitter .
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Comments
Posted by: PaddyDog at August 16, 2010 1:14 PM
Hate to rain on your parade Figgy, but (as a fellow Green Card holder) you should know that there are a a variety of things you can still do and risk deportation, especially if any of those things involves committing a felony. And I warn you, you're a staff writer on a blog that was once raided by Homeland Security and where frequent discussions about getting in a tank armed with guns take place.
Also, don't you and your beloved even think about dropping an Anchor Baby (my 2010 Halloween costume) here because WE ARE WATCHING.