Well, this has been the longest weekend ever. I’m exhausted from too much shopping, walking, and braving the crowds that waited until the last minute to go shopping for school stuff. Granted, it was Tax-Free weekend in Texas, but holy crap. So many teenagers enjoying their last days of vacation. HAHA suck it, teenagers. You won’t be crowding the apartment pool any more, will you? HA! ENJOY YOUR MATH.
I’m sorry. This is the most lackluster intro ever, but I’m tired, and I forgot to write this at the end of the week when I had some more energy. So I’ll leave you to the actually interesting stuff. Let’s celebrate the fact that August is almost over. Onwards!
10. “Death Blow”: the world’s first and last fellatio-themed snuff film. —Paul Southworth
9. Is Scott Caan related to Chaka? —Steve
We Caan only hope. —Mrs. Julien
[God I love threads like that. Also, shut up. I don’t need to explain my art to you, Warren.]
8. “You have to lift their skirts to find out if they are women. You sure can’t find out by how they vote!”
Remember bitches, if you don’t vote with your vagina, then don’t vote at all!
— Susan B. Anthony (after some hard drinking) — spazmodeas
[You KNOW SBA was a hard partier and you will never convince me otherwise.]
7. i not only KNOW where my prostate is, i have named it and send it cards on appropriate holidays. we even lunch on the fourth tuesday of each month! prosty is a good friend and great listener. in fact, i need to go text him back. ta! —gp
[The best part of this is that you KNOW it’s completely true.]
6. I know a LOT of ladies who who’s fantasy would be to live a quiet life in northern Pennsylvania with our husband Jake Ryan who runs a successful hand-crafted furniture business. It would be like Mermaids, but without all the statutory rape and appetizers. And Cher. —Nicole
[But…but…without Cher, WHAT IS THE POINT, NICOLE? What is the point of *anything*?]
[This next was about the new Hayden Christiazzzzzzzzzzzen movie.]
5. You don’t have to set the bar as high as James McAvoy. This would be a better movie with any of the following leads:
The log currently in my fireplace
Either of the Coreys
Pudding-except for tapioca
Will I Am
I can keep going…the point is Hayden wasn’t taken because the Big Bad went “eh.” —Mrcreosote
[Tapioca is way too talented for Christiansen’s dregs, dammit! Mmmm. Tapioca.]
4. Every great communications device was used for porn about 10 seconds after it was invented. Remember that the very first telephone message was, “Watson, come here, I want you.” (wink wink)
History books mention the first telegraph message was “What hath God wrought.” What they never mention is that the reply was, “Some mighty fine deep-dicking, Sam, thanks for asking.”
Movies and TV and the Internet, you know about. —-,
[Add this to my List of Shit I Love: Imagining historical characters having modern-day conversations. Specially ones involving deep dicking. Also, I can’t believe I just typed those last two words. A lifetime of living in uber-Catholic countries leaves you scarred, you know? HE SAID IT FIRST, GOD. DON’T BLAME ME.]
3. Ophelia Lovibond? Imogen Poots?
Fuck the what are these, Harry Potter characters? Bond girls? Imogen Poots sounds like something a Scotsman yells at his wife while he’s stuck pushing out a turtle-head on the crapper.
Ophelia Lovibond? Oh-feel-ya Lovey-bond? Didn’t Bart Simpson drop this one on Moe about 15 years ago?
The Mrs: “Duncan, wut argh ya doin in thar moi ‘usband?”
The Mr: “I’M OGEN POOTS, WOMAN! Get yer arse ta tha closet and bring mer quilted narthern’ ova ‘ere! Christ ya pillock, I feel like imma bakin a haggis in ma neether regions! —D-Day
[They DO sound like horrible Harry Potter names. I love you, JK Rowling, but you came up with some majorly stupid names for your characters.
This next one is a twofer, cos that’s how I roll.]
2. If it ever comes up, I’ll volunteer and have sex with the monsters if they ask for a volunteer to impregnate one of them. Now you’re probably asking yourself, “Why would Kballs do such a thing?” Because it can never be topped.
“Oh, you banged three women at once? Guess what? Remember that crazy invasion a few months back? Yeah? I boned one of them. Hard.”
“Wow, bagged a supermodel last weekend, huh? Well check this out: Not only did I fuck a monster, that thing WANTED me to fuck it!”
“Geez, you’re telling me you had sex with the First Lady and a cloned version of Cleopatra while a trained tiger licked your balls? Not bad. But hey! Yeah, come on in here. Come on, lean in so you can hear this. Are you listening? … . I’m having a monster baby. OOOOOOHHHHHH!!!!” *shoves his face* “Fuck YOUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!” —Kballs
[I think this one was about…um…some monsters movie. Does it matter? All you need to know is that KBalls wants to bang some monsters.]
I love it when figgy walks in, sizes up the ladies squirming on the floor in ecstasy over JGL, scratches her head in confusion, shrugs, and walks back out. It takes more than a giraffe’s neck, piggy eyes, and an electric guitar to impress her, fellas. —Kballs
[Yeah, so that was a total vanity pick, because I like when people agree on how awesome I am. Also, it’s mostly that I don’t find wee men who will always look 15 particularly attractive. Sorry, JGL. I know you wanted this. Can’t have it. Too wee.]
1. Everybody knows there’s no such thing as black children, they hatch from underground tar pits and surf up as liquid material through the cracks in urban streets before they congeal at surface level to be educated by the nearest adoptive gang-banger. Then they posture for my hard earned tax dollars with their “social justice” so they can like, go to school or whatever, but really they just want to rob the white man’s money. Then when they get older they try to use reverse racism to get fancy jobs in high-paying government positions so they sully the good name of our greatest American President, Ronald H. Christ Reagan.
At least that’s what I learned last night on Fox News. —Very Gullible
Hee. I suspect that many of you, like me, went from being completely horrified to being VERY scared, to being amused to completely cracking the hell up. That’s what makes it a win for the ages. So congratulations, Very Gullible! I don’t even want to know what conclusions you came to after hearing what Fox News had to say about the Latinos. Or do they call us brown people? Anyway.
Alright, weirdos, that’s it for me. I’m gonna keep celebrating my green card by drinking some wine and then passing out and dreading my first work interview, which is in 8 days. Eep.
Figgy is a displaced Honduran living in Dallas, TX. She is melting, even though you’d think that being from the tropics she wouldn’t whine about the heat so much.. You can read more of her ramblings at her blog or follow her on Twitter .
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