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June 19, 2008 |

By Brian Prisco | Eloquent Eloquence | June 19, 2008 |

You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll shit your pants with cheap burgers and multi-colored beverages. Our two heroes steal the motorcycle of Beatrix Kiddo to go kill an artist at the Philadelphia Fringe Festival who’s juggling puppies over a woodchipper in order to create a Jackon Pollack/Hieronymous Bosch homage. But a detour to the armpit of the nation, PA’s shore, New Jersey, gets them in heat with the authorities for a) trying to pump their own gasoline, b) smuggling contraband inside a person’s cavities and c) not paying the toll to leave. New Jersey: You Can Get Here For Free, But To Leave It’ll Cost You. Their only hope is to use the unholy power of Bea Arthur’s brass balls to destroy the two fucks writing the parody version of the movie that they are currently making. Now. Not, then, but now. When will now be now? Soon.

And that’s what happens when you give a screenwriter massive doses of Actifed.

It’s so hot in Hollywood right now, I actually walked outside this morning and burst into gay. Which, out of deference to the Tony Awards, is why I didn’t feature Boo-gers and Pisser-stein’s “Poultrygeist: The Stage Musical.” Though next year, Nathaniel will write a stirring Robotripping rendition of it sweeping the awards. And from the bottom of our independent film critic hearts: You folks seriously need to get your asses to a theater and watch August: Osage County. I just read the play, and I want to make babies all over Tracy Letts. He hates Hollywood almost as much as we do!

Nature is plotting its bitter revenge against us until we stop remaking movies, or letting M. Night Shamaylan make movies, or without putting Robert Downey Junior Junior in all of our movies. Little does it know that we’re going in droves to the air conditioned multiplex to watch Angelina Jolie jump a car over another car and blow a hole in some dude’s head. Or baby Short Circuit wins our cold metal hearts.

In case you’ve noticed, we’ve moved up the ol’ EEEEEEE!s to Thursday so that you can get your daily dose of movie reviews and shot of Boozehound neat. That’s the way Godtupus intended.

Top Ten, up in your grills!

10. M. Night Shamlongadingdong teaches us a brilliant lesson: Trees are evil and conspiring to kill us all!! We must destroy all trees now before they kill us! Where is a bulldozer when you need one? I am off to the park to tear down an ancient oak right now. Its my civic duty. Fucking Weeds. — JP

9. If I had a baby made of sugar I’d eat it. — jM

8. When my roommates and I first saw the previews for this movie I bet them it was global warming causing everything. Thank you M. Knight for one large Chicago style pizza. — Andy

7. Sonic infuriates me. The closest one is in New Jersey. New Jersey!!!
What has that misbegotten state done to deserve a Sonic more than us? Nothing! NOTHING, I tell you!! I am literally shaking with rage right now. But then, it’s my first day back from vacation, so it’s not gonna take much to set me off. I almost beat an old woman to death for changing her mind from cream to milk at Dunkies this morning. I mean, I’ve got SHIT TO DO, LADY. WHAT THE FUCK!!! — TK

6. It’s better to forget it and just watch Jason Statham kick ass. I think that this might be the defining statement of my lifetime. Worried about how to fix the complete and utter clusterfuck of American foreign politics? It’s better to forget it and just watch Jason Statham kick ass. On the verge of a homicide spree because your sorority slut roommates are too engrossed in a rerun of The Hills to let you watch the Celtics game? It’s better to forget it and just watch Jason Statham kick ass. Wondering whether its worth groveling to your ex-boyfriend just to get some much needed nookie? It’s better to forget it and just watch Jason Statham kick ass. On second thought, that last one might just accomplish the whole nookie goal. That is, if you can have nookie with yourself. — Marra

5. pisaster’s theory of romcoms. As far as I can tell, three types of romcom plot.
1. Hopeless romantic, possibly also major loser type falls for someone who is cooler than them/in a relationship/otherwise unavailable. Person 1 convinces person 2 to love him/her via a Grand Romantic Gesture.
2. Two people who hate each other are thrown together by circumstances and subsequently fall in love while constantly bickering, usually also involvesd the GRG.
3. Plot from the Hat. Somewhere in Hollywood there is a hat where writers put in little pieces of paper with all the absurd idea they come up with while drunk or high or hopped up on sugar. Whenever a producer gets really desperate, they pull something out of the hat. This is why we have Mannequin. also, I really want to see this movie now :) —s. pisaster

[As I told you pisaster, it’s cold medication. NyQuil, NyQuil, NyQuil! We love you, you giant FUCKING Q!]

4. I watched Transporter 2 with my younger brother completely plastered at the local movieplex. To this day, he claims that it jolted him out of a black-out drunk state with its sheer insanity. I distinctly remember thinking that he was probably going to throw up in the aisles and we were going to have to leave when we first sat down and the room went dark. He had lost the ability to hold himself upright, and the ability to actually focus his eyes enough to keep track of the screen. Then the upside-down barrel roll/crane hook/bomb removal occurs, after which he drives away unscathed. At that very moment my brother seemed to break his stupor and his head snapped in my direction, “Wait, what the fuck just happened? Did he just flip that…” He looked back at the screen in now obvious and open disbelief. He laughed quickly and loudly and from that point on he was fine for the rest of the morning, shocked from a drunken stupor by Jason Statham’s ginormous brass balls. — Roaddog

3. Nevertheless, an intriguing affair: Gandalf versus Jesus. — Adere

Gandalf would totally kick Jesus’s ass, especially in the beard department. — Kolby

Re: Jesus vs. Gandalf… Jesus seems like he knew how to have a good time. Water into wine? I want THAT dude as my friend. However, since he was all about the peace and love, I’m pretty sure Gandalf would kick his ass. — Pea

Gandalf would never attack Jesus. He’d just study Him in His natural habitat for a few hundred years, bringing fireworks every now and then to keep Him amused. — that bees chick

2. In honor of M. Nights new movie:

I think that I shall never see

Something as deadly as a tree

A tree whose deadly poisons make

People lay down in front of combine rakes.

A tree that hates the human race

for making the earth such a polluted place

A tree that when the wind blows fast

releases deadly invisible gas

Bad movies are made about such trees

and we’re the fools that will pay to see. — kennbenj

1. I would just like to take this time to announce that I will not be submitting my name to the Eloquent Eloquence academy this week.

I feel that greer and the Pajiban powers that be have not given me the material in this comment diversion to warrant a Top Ten-worthy comment, and I do not wish to potentially take away an opportunity from a commenter who was given such materials.

That is all.

Oh, and when you do announce my name, it’s pronounced “meaux,” bitches. — MO

[Congratulations, MO. That made me snort green fluid all over my computer screen at work. You owe my boss $979. But, since our writing staff wasn’t up to snuff, and since you are so honorable, you get to join Rainbow Killer and SirKickyAss in the Box of We Could Do It Better. Enjoy your tacos.]

[So in your stead, we give number one to this quote:]

1. Honestly, if you guys can’t recognize the latent genius in every mood music-filled scene and every line M. Night’s characters speak, it’s your own fault for being too stupid. Any dislike of his films is clearly the fault of the viewing audience, potentially encompassing the entire population of Earth, and not the filmmaker. It’s not his fault he’s so brilliant he confounds the mere mortals he is forced to share his existence with. Seriously, at least recognize that he is too great for you to comprehend if you must insult his works. He has a message. He is going to single-handedly save the planet. What did you do today? Drink alcohol and blog? Yeah, that’s what I thought. — BiblioGeek

And I’ll have you know, I went to the gym in between those things. — Stacey

Me, I snort Flintstone’s Chewables. Barney Blues go down the smoothest. Your prize: Your very own copy of Wide Awake, M. Night’s second film about Catholic school children questioning faith, featuring a performance by Rosie O’Donnell as a sports loving nun. By the time it’s over, you’ll be questioning the existence of God.

Please send your unmentionables to dustin at pajiba dot com to receive your just rewards.

Until next Thursday, focus all your chi on AlabamaPink. Not that she needs it per se, I just want to see her shoot beams of light out her mouth like Lo Pan. Hadouken, bitches!

Shadows and Pissboy Go to Sonic

The Top 10 Comments of the Week / Brian Prisco

Eloquent Eloquence | June 19, 2008 |

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