Eloquent Eloquence: Ye Olde Methamphetamyne Edition

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Eloquent Eloquence: Ye Olde Methamphetamyne Edition

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | September 13, 2013 | Comments ()

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Eloquent Eloquence, Ye Olde Methamphetamyne Edition, is a compilation of the best comments of the week. Comments in non-Dustin reviews are ineligible for inclusion.

Edition Runners Up: Muppet Stargate Trilogy, Punch a Dolphin.

This post about book stores is poetry. Technically, it is prose.

The This One Is Actually from tomandlorenzo.com Comment of the Week goes to dharmabum8 who will never know:

That might be the most slimming optical illusion I’ve ever seen.

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The If Not, It Should Be Comment of the Week goes to Princess Betty for, well, this might be gross, but here it is:

I thought salt and peppering in my beard was the new moist lions. I was very confused for a moment. I’m fine now.

The The Fug Girls Aren’t the Only Ones with a Fantastic Karl Lagerfeld Impression Comment of the Week goes to KARLBY for simultaneously channeling batshit and pretension:

Your criticism will only give you crow’s feet, liebkind. Let loose your inner peacock and caress the bulging velvet of my art. Your heart is a toaster filled with seedless rye. No butter, darling. RELEASE

The Punishment by Lego Is an Excellent Solution to Prison Overcrowding Comment of the Week goes to Katee Sackhoff superfan Helo whose prize is a Starbucks gift certificate:

A: “Too much Starbuck”

Q: What are phrases that should be outlawed and punishable by McDowellizing the offender with the crotch-against-the-car-window scene in Sideways on loop for the remainder of their natural lives?

(I’ll settle for someone simply placing a curse on them to step on a lego in the middle of the night every time they wake up to go tinkle. And then to have them go tinkle every hour, on the hour, on weeknights.)


The It’s the Inaccurate Physics That Really Gets Our Goat Comment of the Week goes to placidandy for another criticism that we can add to the Terry Richardson pile:

Yeah I have an opinion. I have a GOD DAMN opinion. When El Cyrus is hanging off of that wrecking ball like a limpet stuck on a humpback’s eyebrow, it’s just swaying in the breeze merrily. A sphere of solid metal of that diameter would weigh as much as a truck, and the force exerted by overly-desperate ex-tween gyrations shouldn’t even budge it. It’s a massive special effects failure and I simply cannot enjoy the video as a result.

The Don’t Underestimate Clint Eastwood’s Sex Life Because He’s Old Comment of the Week goes to Finance_Nerd for with a H/T to ZbornakSyndrome.

I know what you’re thinking, punk. You’re thinking “did I have kids by six women or only five?” Now to tell you the truth I forgot myself in all this excitement. But I’ve tried Magnum condoms, the most powerful condoms in the world, and they blow clean off. So you’ve gotta ask yourself a question: “Should a Hollywood icon w/a net worth of over $375M worry about having kids or just keep on getting lucky?” Well, what would you do, punk?

The Hiddleston and Cumberbatch. It Sounds Like Something That Aired on NickToons in the 90s Comment of the Week goes to Pants_are_a_must with a wriggle to Jerce for the introduction:

Yeah, it does sound like a show about two stoned hairy worms living in a tree stump somewhere.

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The Great Wit Cares Not for Spelling Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to NateMan for the intro and the quote. Your prize is 24,3nf,90j,9=7,t90 pages of torrid fanfiction:

Nateman: “Hey Loki, you wanna feel THE THUNDER?”


NateMan: That’s the 3rd in the Thor trilogy, don’cha know. After the World is Dark comes: THE LIGHTENING.

*insert gravelly voice here*
In a World made Dark by Thor’s creepy desire for a mortal woman like 1/50th his age, only Loki’s incestuous love can bring Thor to Valhalla. Sparks - among other things - will erupt when hammer meets staff. Light returns to the Dark World in: THOR 3: THE LIGHTENING.

Rated NC-17

The Robert DeNiro’s Waiting… to Play the Lead Comment of the Week goes to Bananaranma, although it needs a BRAAAAAAHM. Work it into the second draft:

Exec: So do you have that ‘Robocop’ reboot draft ready?
Writer: Yeah, you’ll love it. We’ve reworked the original’s pointed social commentary for a nuanced look at the creeping invasion of technology in modern life.
E: (Laughing so hard that drool runs into his three puppy martini). Wow, that’s funny. But seriously do you have the draft?
W: Umm…boom?
E: Love it.
W: BOOOM, BANNNG, PEWPEWPEWPEWPEW, KAAALBBBBLAAAM!!! “Come quietly or there will be… trouble.”
E: Great, call back quote…the Comicon nerds will love it. I smell franchise!

The We Are Torn Between Smacking You and Bowing Down in Respect Comment of the Week goes to NynjaSquirrel for a clever answer to a clever question from Fredo:

NynjaSquirrel: Hmm, moist, exploding lions… that’s going to get really messy. Do your keepers where special waterproofs?

Fredo: My question is: do you have to constantly have to buy new lions if they keep exploding? And where is the exploding lion store?

NynjaSquirrel: Mane Street I think.

The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to bastich for answering the question, “Is Ian McKellan working through a checklist of famous/infamous characters as some kind of bucket list?:

I heard that he’s next going to play an aging Pippi Longstocking who
comes out of retirement to use her super-strength to avenge the death of
her monkey, Mr.Nilsson.

The working title is “Pippi: Requiem”.

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Are you following Pajiba on Facebook or Twitter? Every time you do, Bill Murray crashes a wedding.

Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • Princess Betty

    No way, no way, no way!! Seriously?! I can't even begin to write how excited I am. The people who write and comment on this site are some of the most remarkable thinkers/humorists I've ever encountered. To be singled out for what was truly a misunderstanding on my part, only makes me that much more grateful to be included in this august company.

  • Maguita NYC

    We're september, dear.

  • Mrs. Julien

    YAY YOU!

  • emmalita

    I do think Mrs. Julien should get an Eloquence Crown for explaining to the tool of Active Misogyny why reasonable people don't think force kissing young women is funny, twice. http://www.pajiba.com/miscella...

  • Mrs. Julien

    Pshaw! Active Misogyny really is a tool though.

  • Malin

    Having grown up reading the collected works of Astrid Lindgren (as all middle class Swedish children of a certain generation), can I just say that I will be first in line to get tickets for "Pippi: Requiem". I want to go to there right now!

  • emmalita

    I haven't been able to get the image of Sir Ian cavorting as an aged Pippi out of my head for days. And I never want that image to leave.

  • llp

    You guys crack me up. Plus, I am a sucker for a good Lagerfeld channelling.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Hot damn. There are some smart, funny people in the house this week. Eloquent eloquence, indeed.

  • bastich

    Hooray! My unsettling level of knowledge of young girls' literature has finally come in handy!

  • NynjaSquirrel

    let me guess, you carry their books home?

  • Mrs. Julien

    Once, when he liked the new girl in class, he pulled her pigtail and called her "Carrots" to get her attention, but she was really mad and wouldn't speak to him for years.

  • NynjaSquirrel

    Oh we've all done that - some witty quip to amuse and entice the girl of our dreams, only to hear 'WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!' shrieked back at us.

  • NateMan

    I'd just like to thank Maguita for her inability to spell. Were it not for her I never would have gotten the nod!

  • emmalita

    I misspelled LIGHTENING all on my own. I can do that. I am an empowered woman with the agency to give no fucks for correct spelling. It is my gift and my heritage. It is my superpower!

    That said, I'm really excited about Thor 3: Thor loves Loki.

  • Maguita NYC

    itisbecauseIactuallytypedlightening... and then replaced it with thunder, very quickly though!

    Damn Tattletale. Big Bald-Headed Tattletale.

  • emmalita

    Heeee! I had no idea!

  • Maguita NYC

    It was up there for just a moment, before doubting my very limited Thor knowledge, and changing it for thunder.

    And then tattletale could just not help himself...

  • Maguita NYC

    You old pervert should just admit to following me blindly and stop blaming me for all your shortcomings.

    And congrats to you as well as our lovely Emmalita, who makes your hilarity look LIGHTENING smart.

  • NateMan

    1. I have no shortcomings.
    I have, in fact, long comings.

    2. Of course I follow you. I have good taste.

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