Eloquent Eloquence: Ye Olde Methamphetamyne Edition
Eloquent Eloquence, Ye Olde Methamphetamyne Edition, is a compilation of the best comments of the week. Comments in non-Dustin reviews are ineligible for inclusion.
Edition Runners Up: Muppet Stargate Trilogy, Punch a Dolphin.
This post about book stores is poetry. Technically, it is prose.
• The This One Is Actually from tomandlorenzo.com Comment of the Week goes to dharmabum8 who will never know:
That might be the most slimming optical illusion I’ve ever seen.
• The If Not, It Should Be Comment of the Week goes to Princess Betty for, well, this might be gross, but here it is:
I thought salt and peppering in my beard was the new moist lions. I was very confused for a moment. I’m fine now.
• The The Fug Girls Aren’t the Only Ones with a Fantastic Karl Lagerfeld Impression Comment of the Week goes to KARLBY for simultaneously channeling batshit and pretension:
Your criticism will only give you crow’s feet, liebkind. Let loose your inner peacock and caress the bulging velvet of my art. Your heart is a toaster filled with seedless rye. No butter, darling. RELEASE
• The Punishment by Lego Is an Excellent Solution to Prison Overcrowding Comment of the Week goes to Katee Sackhoff superfan Helo whose prize is a Starbucks gift certificate:
A: “Too much Starbuck”
Q: What are phrases that should be outlawed and punishable by McDowellizing the offender with the crotch-against-the-car-window scene in Sideways on loop for the remainder of their natural lives?
(I’ll settle for someone simply placing a curse on them to step on a lego in the middle of the night every time they wake up to go tinkle. And then to have them go tinkle every hour, on the hour, on weeknights.)
• The It’s the Inaccurate Physics That Really Gets Our Goat Comment of the Week goes to placidandy for another criticism that we can add to the Terry Richardson pile:
Yeah I have an opinion. I have a GOD DAMN opinion. When El Cyrus is hanging off of that wrecking ball like a limpet stuck on a humpback’s eyebrow, it’s just swaying in the breeze merrily. A sphere of solid metal of that diameter would weigh as much as a truck, and the force exerted by overly-desperate ex-tween gyrations shouldn’t even budge it. It’s a massive special effects failure and I simply cannot enjoy the video as a result.
• The Don’t Underestimate Clint Eastwood’s Sex Life Because He’s Old Comment of the Week goes to Finance_Nerd for with a H/T to ZbornakSyndrome.
I know what you’re thinking, punk. You’re thinking “did I have kids by six women or only five?” Now to tell you the truth I forgot myself in all this excitement. But I’ve tried Magnum condoms, the most powerful condoms in the world, and they blow clean off. So you’ve gotta ask yourself a question: “Should a Hollywood icon w/a net worth of over $375M worry about having kids or just keep on getting lucky?” Well, what would you do, punk?
• The Hiddleston and Cumberbatch. It Sounds Like Something That Aired on NickToons in the 90s Comment of the Week goes to Pants_are_a_must with a wriggle to Jerce for the introduction:
Yeah, it does sound like a show about two stoned hairy worms living in a tree stump somewhere.
• The Great Wit Cares Not for Spelling Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to NateMan for the intro and the quote. Your prize is 24,3nf,90j,9=7,t90 pages of torrid fanfiction:
Nateman: “Hey Loki, you wanna feel THE THUNDER?”
Emmalita: THE LIGHTENING?
NateMan: That’s the 3rd in the Thor trilogy, don’cha know. After the World is Dark comes: THE LIGHTENING.
*insert gravelly voice here*
In a World made Dark by Thor’s creepy desire for a mortal woman like 1/50th his age, only Loki’s incestuous love can bring Thor to Valhalla. Sparks - among other things - will erupt when hammer meets staff. Light returns to the Dark World in: THOR 3: THE LIGHTENING.
• The Robert DeNiro’s Waiting… to Play the Lead Comment of the Week goes to Bananaranma, although it needs a BRAAAAAAHM. Work it into the second draft:
Exec: So do you have that ‘Robocop’ reboot draft ready?
Writer: Yeah, you’ll love it. We’ve reworked the original’s pointed social commentary for a nuanced look at the creeping invasion of technology in modern life.
E: (Laughing so hard that drool runs into his three puppy martini). Wow, that’s funny. But seriously do you have the draft?
E: Love it.
W: BOOOM, BANNNG, PEWPEWPEWPEWPEW, KAAALBBBBLAAAM!!! “Come quietly or there will be… trouble.”
E: Great, call back quote…the Comicon nerds will love it. I smell franchise!
• The We Are Torn Between Smacking You and Bowing Down in Respect Comment of the Week goes to NynjaSquirrel for a clever answer to a clever question from Fredo:
NynjaSquirrel: Hmm, moist, exploding lions… that’s going to get really messy. Do your keepers where special waterproofs?
Fredo: My question is: do you have to constantly have to buy new lions if they keep exploding? And where is the exploding lion store?
NynjaSquirrel: Mane Street I think.
• The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to bastich for answering the question, “Is Ian McKellan working through a checklist of famous/infamous characters as some kind of bucket list?:
I heard that he’s next going to play an aging Pippi Longstocking who
comes out of retirement to use her super-strength to avenge the death of
her monkey, Mr.Nilsson.
The working title is “Pippi: Requiem”.
Pajiba Love Express
Here's some Daveed Diggs for you. On Daveed Diggs' digs, actually. That man does things with clothes that should not make sense, but are absolutely perfect. (Go Fug Yourself)
Woody Allen has "so moved on" from his daughter's accusations and says he never even thinks about it. He equates her words about him to a bad review he won't read and comments on how wacky it is that Mia Farrow is his mother-in-law. He is the worst. (Celebitchy)
Not The Worst but still very gross: Leonardo DiCaprio and his
Here are 5 under-the-radar shows. I had never even heard of the first two. (Uproxx)