Eloquent Eloquence: What Are Pirate Negotiators Called? ARRRbitrators, Me Hearties!
By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | May 24, 2012 |
So... I'm not proud of this, but while Battleship was Rihanna's first film to hit theaters she did have a role in Bring it On: All or Nothing. Granted, she played herself, but I think it technically counts as her acting debut.
Also: Where is the Best Accessory category? I'm pretty sure the Civil Code of France states very clearly that for every .8 photographs of Kruger there must be 1 photograph of Pacey.
Shiver me timbers, true pirates only negotiate at the end of a cutlass, says I. What are pirate negotiators called? ARRRbitrators, me hearties!
You might still be in a bit over-heated from that Chaucer header photo.
I don't know. Snow blindness always left me a bit cold.
Sure the life of a Star Wars citizen looks grim if you think of only the poor moisture farmers though as farming goes, it sounds rather easy. Little digging. No planting anything. Weeding is right out. The worst part (aside from storm trooper death) would be that most conversations about your job would revolve around words like "damp" and "moist."
There are other jobs available in the Star Wars universe. Anyone for Storm Trooping? Yeah there is the large risk of death when your battle station explodes or a space teddy bear kicks your ass, but how hard could basic training be? Teddy Ruxpin whupped them, so it's not like they're in peak physical condition. Clearly they aren't exercising a lot. You don't even have to be able to aim a rifle properly. It's a volunteer army so anyone can sign on. You can collect full army pay and benefits with the only requirement being that you can hold a rifle or pistol mostly upright and be able to twitch your index finger.
Then there's the side you're fighting against: a group of pure hearted goody goodies that'll likely forgive and forget as soon as you put your hands up. No torture. No POW camps. They'll probably even let you sign up with them as soon as you take off your tupperware longjohns. Just shed a couple of tears as you tell them how the evil sith blah blah made you do it all. Free and clear and off to start a new post-war life. I hear there's a moisture farm that just came available after the owners had an "accident."
This year's award for 'Best Bill Murray In A Leading Role' is sadly going to Shia LaBeouf, for his performance as "the actor Michael Bay can most easily blackmail." Maybe next year, Bill.
Seriously though, you think McConaughey was getting ready for this shoot, started to take his shirt off before someone stopped him.
PA : "Hey Matt...you're keeping it on in this one..."
Matt: *Stares back uncomprehendingly...pause...starts to take shirt off again*
PA: "No really, stop dude"
Matt: *confusion creeping into his face as his lips start to move, but he can't find the words*
Finally: "MR. SODERBERGH!!??!!??"
Oh jebus, I hadn't even thought of the McConaughey JFK accent yet. Oh, the humanity!
"I keep gettin' older and these secretaries stay the same age."
Alright, I'm done.
FUCK YOU, HOLLYWOOD! No seriously, FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOU!
Fuck you in every orifice but the babymaker. Hard. With a train. And no I don't mean a procession of horny and hung guys, I mean an actual Georgia Pacific diesel locomotive going full throttle with flat cars of Mack Trucks as its payload. Or as your mothers would call it; Tuesday.
Fuck You Dennis Quaid. This is what you've been reduced to? Did Meg take your gonads as part of the settlement? I'd sooner watch you in Innerspace II: Traped in Martin Short's Spooge as you fight in petri dish cage match with Ed Grimly's man batter.
Fuck You Brooklyn Decker. YOU. ARE. NOT. AN. ACTRESS. Go back to modelling painted on bikinis until the next prettier and easier pair of legs comes in to take your place. Even as Adam Sandler's spank fantasy you seemed grossly inappropriate.
Fuck You Elizabeth Banks. You're at the point of your career where you don't have to do these shitsmears on a script. You're supposed to wait until nothing respectable comes along before you do something like this. You're wasting valuable years of youth. Go find a vanity project if you want to do a fluff job. It will likely still be garbage but at least there someone could mistake it for actual work and possibly nominate you for something.
Fuck You Jennifer Lopez. I know Scientology discourages women from being able to scream in pain while giving birth, but I had no idea that by extension that means you can't pretend to be giving birth either. Bad enough celebrities treat adoption like buying a new Fendi bag but it's even more aggravating to see them play an "ordinary" person who can just pick up a new child without international red tape, money, risk of being turned down, endless waiting, fear and worry that all will be for naught. I swear milk and bread are harder to get at the store in movies than adopting a baby.
Fuck You Chris Rock. The last couple of roles you chose have been ones a comatose could speed dial in. If your former roles could talk, I'd say Pookie would have died of overdosed shame knowing what you've become.
Fuck You Cameron Diaz. This Fuck You isn't as hearty as the others because the majority of your career has been a constant stream of FU's. I just don't have the gumption anymore. You don't care, so why should I? "Cameron Diaz" is the new "drop kick me in the balls". I know that when your name is emblazoned on the screen that I should expect nothing less. Oh what the Hell, FUCK YOU!!!!
Fuck You all of you involved in making this piece of shit affair, bogarting the title of an lazily written alarmist book series and making cheap the entire experience of impending parenthood. As someone who went through several heartbreaking setbacks and who along with my amazing spouse finally got what we wanted, I can say that other artists in the past in many fields have a better inkling of the experience. If you out there want to explore the lighter side of it all, look elsewhere. there are far better sources.
These assholes have taken what was for me the funniest, scariest, grossest, most astounding, most beautiful, ugliest, hardest and happiest experience and turned it into something that makes scraping off landmine dog doo off one's shoe more entertaining. Speaking of which, I'm on diaper duty this evening, and I can tell you that thanks to my daughter I now have new meaning to "shits and giggles". I would gladly change Baby Bleuberry's Pampers all evening for entertainment than this cinematic skidmark.
All this fresh air is killing me. Like most organisms, I prefer a warm, moist place to procreate. The cool breeze in the hoo hah region is a total turn off. On the plus side, an outfit like this almost guarantees I'll have a few more friends to play with by morning.
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