Eloquent Eloquence: Some Men Look Fine Balding, Some Men Are James Spader
By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | August 31, 2012 |
I'd like to know what they're doing in the picture. Besides what looks like standing in a stairwell. American Apparel photo shoot? Really, the entire photograph is begging for funny captions.
Will Ferrell: Hey, man, have you seen my pants? I seem to have misplaced them.
Other guy: Me too! Crazy! I was taking a nap in my dorm room, then I woke up and everything but my boxers and shoes were gone. I thought maybe I'd left them down in the laundry room.
Will: Well, I started drinking from this large white cup, and you know how it is, I was holding my pants, and then I walked some more, and then I noticed my pants were gone. I think I took my shirt off earlier, but no idea where I left it. The goggles, I can't explain. No idea there. Maybe I was gonna go swimming, then changed my mind.
Other guy: It's cool, dude. We're young and reasonably attractive. We both have killer abs. If you got it, flaunt it, right? This won't come back to haunt us in any way.
Terry Richardson: Hold it right there, guys. This scene is very evocative, and when I say evocative, I mean it looks like I picked up both of you at the bus station and paid you $10 each to pose for me in a vaguely seedy-looking location. As soon as I'm done here, I'm gonna go see if I can find some barely legal looking girls to photograph in a similarly unflattering manner. It's not porn if it looks like you MEANT to make it look scuzzy.
Will and other guy: Right behind you, dude ...
• The Don't You Wish You Could Give Your Teenaged Self a Hug? Comment of the Week goes to K.D. Mo: Let our approbation be your time travel embrace:
I had just turned 16 when this movie came out. I was awkward, not athletic, playing several different instruments in band, singing timidly in the choir, and I was one of the only non-Mormon people in the school. I wasn't just non-Mormon, as there were a few Catholics (mostly Hispanic) that stuck together like glue, and a few Episcopals; I was non-religious. Shock! Horror! I know, right? My mother was finishing her PhD in clinical psychology (it was Utah State's program that took us to Utah in the first place), she was divorced, I was an only child. I couldn't possibly have stuck out more if I'd tried--and I was expending huge amounts of energy trying not to stick out. It didn't work. I was short, and round, and fish-belly white, and redheaded, and brainy--and everybody knew me, though few wanted to be my friend.
I don't want to understate this. '10 Things I Hate About You' really did save my life. Kat made me see that my school's "High School is the greatest time of your life" attitude was completely wrong, an attitude which I had previously bought into that made every day a miserable sham. She made being an outsider not just okay, but preferable. I didn't have to try so hard to be like the petite Mormon clones surrounding me. I realized that one day somebody might like me, maybe even love me for who I was--not for who I was trying to turn myself into. From the minute I walked out of the theater with my small band of geeky clarinetists--I knew I'd be fine. Kat made me believe it.
• The Hey, Look Over Here! Comment of the Week goes to David Sorenson who made a superlative, but ultimately doomed, attempt to defray tension:
Of course we're going to defend "The One." Sure it's a silly movie, but it's really underappreciated. You've got Carla Gugino and Jason Statham. Jet Li is fantastic in it. And the fight choreography. It's just amazing.
What really disappoints me is your need to bash a movie that isn't even in the review. This is an adult conversation. Try to stick to the topic at hand.
• The Eeny Meenie Miny Moe Comment of the Week goes to Puddin for a particularly good week, but when did fictional house points become a universal measurement of physical attractiveness?:
Oh my goodness, i figured it out. Bendyball Cumberquat can either look amazing or like a damn reptile, right? It boils down to two things- his forehead and his supersternal notch. When the forehead is exposed, his attractiveness goes down by ten Gryffindor points. But when his neck is exposed, it is raised by at least five Gryffindor points. So, by my calculations, in order for him o always look hot, he must wear bangs and v-necks at all times. I'm not even trying to be funny about this. This was about ten minutes of serious google image analysis.
• The Chicks Love The Spader Comment of the Week goes to Alice who said what seemingly everyone was thinking, except those of us still stuck on Lane "Gib" Dobbler:
Spader's hair line is a code red travesty. Some men look fine balding, some men are James Spader. The face bloat is playing a big role.
I still pick Spader. He's pervy-hot.
• The That's Between You and Your God Comment of the Week goes to Meander with a sentence that is even better out of context:
What's wrong with me that I also noticed the impressive curves on a nun carrying buckets of offal?
• The You Know the Term for the Lego Bumps? Comment of the Week goes to TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin. Your prize is TK's lifesize Lego Murdertank kit:
I think that the Lego movie should be more of a heist/mystery. Meet Brick Blockingford. A no nonsense private eye that tragically lost one of his pips in Afghanistan while serving his country. He's been tasked by Squarelette Twopeice, a woman with all right angles, to retrieve the missing block from her Star Wars Death Star model kit. Brick isn't so sure about Squarelettes story though and his investigation reveals a trail of missing torsos, mixed build kits and damaged human feet. Will brick unravel the mystery of the missing block. There's always a missing block. DAMN YOU FUCKING MISSING BLOCK!
• The Comedy = Tragedy + Not Me Comment of the Week goes to Amy Ellinger. Fingers crossed, she makes him watch pornography after his vasectomy:
Do not let your husband choose the film to put on when you're recovering from LASIK eye surgery. Yep, the bastard chose "A Clockwork Orange" while I was sleeping off the pain meds on the couch. Guess what scene was one of the first things I ever saw through my non-blind, scratchy, tortured eyes?
• The Sideways Glance Comment of the Week goes to pockets full of stones for an, uh, comment I noticed and included in EE:
Oh. Quirky. Quirky quirky quirky. Did they not realize New Girl succeeded IN SPITE of its/her quirkiness?! I'm gonna have a rant about quirk right now. It's gonna be in Croatian and it's gonna be spectacular. You're missing out, people. Learn Slavic languages. They're incredibly filthy. Filth beats quirk anytime. Just ask the guy from last night. He was so pretty. If i were any quirkier I wouldn't have gotten laid. Luckily I was filthy. I told him he his pants looked spectacularly filled by his presence. I apparently said a lot of other stuff about his presence--I might not have used the word presence--but It turned out I had him at Pants. Give us Pants, NBC. Not the useless quirky tirade about pants. Just Pants. Anyway, I got laid and this looks quirky. Thanks for listening.
• The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to Fredo. Brace yourselves for the boiling maple syrup catapult:
who would have seen it coming that the antichrist would be Canadian?
Well no one. And that's why it's so devilishly brilliant. Canadians are known for being non-combative, pleasant and friendly. They're like that whole neighborhood across from yours where all the lawns are impeccable and everyone decorates on Christmas or gives out candy on Halloween (and the good stuff too! None of that small Raisins box bullshit!). They're so friendly and don't mind when the Yankees cross the border to take a steaming dump on the poor Blue Jays or that the Stanley Cup can't find its way north of Boston or Chicago anymore. They're fine with all that...really.
And while they have lulled us to sleep, an army of fire-breathing monster moose is being formed in the depths of the Canadian Rockies. Giant wolves are bred to pull chariots decked in blood-red maple leaves. And hockey sticks are reforged in steel -- to take a man's head at full sprint. When we least suspect it, they will swoop down upon us and catch us watching for the poor illegal Mexicans trying to cross the southern border. No one expects the darkness that will come from the North! Their army will be led by the offspring of Chad and Avril and he will be known as "Ch8der".
We are aboot to be fucked. Winter is definitely coming!
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