Eloquent Eloquence: Solidarity Highfive of Impatience! Edition
Eloquent Eloquence, Solidarity Highfive of Impatience! Edition, is a compilation of the best comments of the week. Comments in non-Dustin reviews are ineligible for inclusion, especially next week when there will be no Eloquent Eloquence.
Edition Runners Up: Asperger’s Genius Genre; Cats Come Up With Better Plans; Solid Lunatic; Bitch Switch Removed; Fascinatingly Bad
As john allyn smith said, “These Pajiba writers are talented and courageous. Thank you. Profoundly.”
Sara_Tonin00 asked, “can you pleeeeeeeease start a “Shit My Vampire Says” twitter account?” Long_Pig_Tailor set one up. God damn, I love Pajiba!
Submissions can be sent to email@example.com .
• The Don’t Fu*k with Mr. Dustin Pajiba Comment of the Week goes to Mr. Dustin Pajiba for delightful use of a bully pulpit :
Ian Fay: Could someone do a Phantom Edit style version of Newsroom and cut out all the Sorkin bloviating and the completely unwatchable fliberigibbets that are the other ladies on this show, and just cut together the Sloan stuff and maybe Sam Waterston being awesome and drunk?
pajiba: Could someone do a Phantom Edit style version of the Comments section and cut out all the bloviating and the completely unreadable fliberigibbets that are the other constant complaints and negativity, and just cut together the commenters being awesome and drunk?
• The I Don’t Know How Comfortable I Am with Wahlberg Making Sense for even Short Periods of Time Comment of the Week goes to Long_Pig_Tailor (en fuego) for making NotTheOne, and the rest of us, feel a bit better. Now who’s the peacock?:
Did you see Awakenings? Awkward mentally tweenaged DeNiro made me uncomfortable, but it didn’t last long and he eventually just went back to being kind of a vegetable, so it worked out.
• The To Be Fair, Thomas Was Pretty Messed Up, Too Comment of the Week goes to toblerone_dark whose prize is a Detroit Tigers baseball cap:
On the topic of “defective detectives” I really wanna see a procedural show with the Rock in it where he plays a 24/7 AWESOME (which I’m sure he is in real life) detective, who everyone loves and even the guilty can’t help confessing too. Like a Shaft meets Justified set in Hawaii type thing.
Why does every detective have to have a “thing” these days and not just be Magnum PI?
• The “In a Nutshell” Version of Pajiba Comment of the Week goes to Yehudit Hannah Cohn, Wōđanaz Óðinn, and Fabius_Maximus. Any questions?:
Yehudit Hannah Cohn: Thank you. You are right, and I apologize. I did look for contact information, and then I just sort of lost it.
Wōđanaz Óðinn: I secretly agree. However, I fear that your love of the Oxford comma indicates that we can never be grammar friends :(
A fellow pedant.
Fabius_Maximus: Oh gods, that fucking comma. Good thing I’ve recently discovered that it is optional.
• The You Guys Should Take It on the Road Comment of the Week goes to Quatermain, Wōđanaz Óðinn, and L.O.V.E. for witty repartee:
Quatermain: How come nobody thinks it’s cute and I don’t get cheers when I do that? No, it’s all ‘Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave the DMV’ and ‘You can’t bring that into church!’ It’s sexist is what it is.
Wōđanaz Óðinn: I find that wearing pants helps when trying to garner respect, but I’m old fashioned that way.
L.O.V.E.: Disagree. A man doing that pantsless increases the danger ten fold and is much more impressive.
Quatermain: Only collaborators wear pants. I’m striking a blow against your two-legged denim hegemony and speaking truth to power about the true nature of your bifurcated cloth fascism.
Wōđanaz Óðinn: Typical left-legged sartorial elitism.
I was born wearing pants, and will damn sure die wearing pants.
I know I’m not alone either. There must be dozens of us.
• The Does This Mean We Should Swathe Ourselves in Plastic Wrap? Comment of the Week goes to Bert_McGurt whose prize is 8 rolls of patterned duct tape:
It seems they’ve decided to finish things in an extremely metatextual fashion by having Dexter bore the viewers to death.
• The Best Back Peddle Comment of the Week goes to Guest for being civilized and funny:
OK, since it’s pretty obvious that I’ve stepped into it big time, here’s my try at writing a little spin on it:
My client’s post from today resulted from a rare form of selfrighteousmous obnoximus that was induced from too much caffeine, reading of Salon and only a
little time between meetings. She is currently detoxing and will resume posting at a later time. Our thoughts and prayers go with her.
• The “Vampire the Vampire Slayer” and “So You Think You Can Vamp” Comment of the Week goes to John W for rapid fire delivery and a swoop of the cape to Joe Grunenwald for the intro:
We have Vampire Diaries and now Vampire Academy let’s see what else can we come up with….
Vampire Driving School
Vampire Glee Club
Vampire Shark Week
Two guys, A girl, and a Vampire
Vampires (ala Cops)
America’s Next Top Vampire
Queer as Vampires
The V Word
Game of Vampires
Vampires Gone Wild
Dexter (about a Vampire who kills other Vampires)
The Walking Undead
It’s Always Dark in Philadelphia
Shit My Vampire says
Two and Half Vampires
• The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to Figgy with an edit inspired by dizzylucy. You have a big future in bad television:
“CBS is developing “a medical soap based in New York City, inspired by the characters and themes immortalized in The Wizard of Oz.” Let us never speak of this again.”
OhmyGOD. THIS IS GENIUS.
Meet… Dorothy “Dottie” Gale She’s a wide-eyed, innocent girl fresh off the Kansas farm, who has just been given a scholarship by Buck “The Wiz” Fitzwallace, an eccentric billionaire who she saved from death by performing an emergency tracheotomy on him in the middle of a Kansas road! She arrives at Omaha Zion Hospital—or OZ—where she will have great trials and adventures as she meets…
Meredith “The Witch” West , the hospital’s chief of staff, who sets one eye on Dorothy’s pretty stupid face and vows to DESTROY HER when Dorothy spills coffee on her priceless shoes. But she will be thwarted by…
Gloria “The Good” Glindon , her sister and Dottie’s mentor! She will help her survive as Dottie encounters the hospital’s wisecracking staff, including…
Mark “TinMan” Tinner ! He is the handsome and rakish chief of surgery with a TRAGIC PAST, which turned him cold and unfeeling, until he meets Dottie and he realizes that MAYBE HE HAD A HEART AFTER ALL, specially once he sees Dottie helping out..
LeMarcus Jones*, the hapless and clumsy male nurse who is terrified of TinMan and may be a little bit gay or bicurious, maybe! He’s great friends with…
*EDIT: To add dizzylucy’s brilliant change, this character is now called LeMarcus Oliver Jones, or “Leo”, for short.
Bobby “HayFever” McLean , the sassy (and super gay!) city boy who becomes Dottie’s roommate and very best friend! He is sassy and loud and hilarious! He will teach her how to dance and how to dress and say wildly inappropriate things to her bosses and patients!
Will Dottie survive the big city? Will she help the citizens of Oz Hospital realize that hard work and dedication are nothing in the face of a cute chick and having a lot of sex?
FIND OUT ON CBS THIS FALL.
Shit. Give me some money right now.
Pajiba Love Express
Here's some Daveed Diggs for you. On Daveed Diggs' digs, actually. That man does things with clothes that should not make sense, but are absolutely perfect. (Go Fug Yourself)
Woody Allen has "so moved on" from his daughter's accusations and says he never even thinks about it. He equates her words about him to a bad review he won't read and comments on how wacky it is that Mia Farrow is his mother-in-law. He is the worst. (Celebitchy)
Not The Worst but still very gross: Leonardo DiCaprio and his
Here are 5 under-the-radar shows. I had never even heard of the first two. (Uproxx)