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Eloquent Eloquence: Slang Wagon Edition

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | September 27, 2013 | Comments ()


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Eloquent Eloquence, Slang Wagon Edition, is a compilation of the best comments of the week. Comments in non-Dustin reviews and the Game of Thrones Breaking Bad discussions are ineligible for inclusion. Kind of. It depends.

Eloquent Eloquence is going on an indefinite hiatus after this week. Thank you for two years of letting me arbitrarily decide who amongst you is the most clever. I have enjoyed judging you.

Civilized gun control discussion, table for Pajiba.

Please enjoy the political hissyfit about “Ectoplasmic Americans”.

[photo of Alice Eve in her skivvies redacted for reasons which will soon become obvious]

The Sorry, This Should Have Been Included Last Week Comment of the Week goes to fribbley for calling a spade a spade:

Most movie sites I frequent:

“Hey, that half-naked Alice Eve scene was gratuitous! You know, that scene? Here, this picture. That picture there? Totally of a gratuitous scene. Look how gratuitous it was! I can’t believe they included the scene depicted by this picture. Can you believe they included that scene that this picture right here depicts? Totally shameful. I mean, look at it.”


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The If She Could Turn Back Time, She’d Take Back All the Bad Grammar, So You’d Stay Comment of the Week goes to AvaLehra who isn’t a gypsy, a tramp, or a thief. Probably.:

I feel like I just read a ransom note.

The TEAMWORK! Comment of the Week goes to Fredo and Al Borland’s Beard.You’re like Martin and Lewis, but funny:

Fredo: Are you sure HIMYM isn’t really a show called “Hostages” about two kids forced to spend nine long years listening to his father telling disgusting stories about his sexual escapades while he holds them captive?

Al Borland’s Beard: I think it would be better if it was Bob Saget holding them hostage, because

A) It’s something he’d probably do.
B) It would explain the whole voice thing.

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The However Lately Pajiba Has Gotten Weird. It Seems to Beat Dead Horses. The Mass Effect 3 Circle Jerking Was Cringe Worthy Comment of the Week goes to jon29 with a tip of the hat to TCH:

There was a Mass Effect 3 circle jerk here, and I missed it?!? Can we do another?

*undoes top 3 buttons*

I thought the ending was OK, and I made a bad choice somewhere and couldn’t save Tali.

*undoes next 3 buttons*

I don’t understand why people get so mad about ME3 DLC. More DLC is more better!

*loosens belt buckle*

I really didn’t like how multiplayer was required for the best ending, at first, because I’m not much of a multiplayer gamer. But you know what? I really liked ME3 multiplayer.

*slides hand into pants*

I REALLY LIKED THE KINECT VOICE COMMANDS DURING COMBAT!

*spent*

The That Wizard Staff Really Tied the Costume Together Comment of the Week goes to Helo. Your prize is this “cigarette” and a tray of “brownies”:

Jesus, I wonder how he’s going to react when Seventh Son drops. I love me some Jeff Bridges, but casting him as a medieval sorcerer is like casting Carrot Top for a Stephen Hawking biopic.

The You Ask for a Silly Sentence, You Get a Silly Sentence Comment of the Week goes to Gord Reid for the final line of his debut novel:

As the dust settled, a bewildered Jalissa was left wondering if the blood on her lips was hers, the boy’s, or the dog’s.

The Could We Create a Category for Shameful Puns Comment of the Week goes to emmalita, L.O.V.E. and marya. Your prize is a side of veal:

emmalita: My bff’s husband LOVES dance movies. I read him the review just now and he is SO EXCITED. As he said, “finally a dance movie I can identify with.”

Sadly I read right over Basketball couch without even noticing.

L.O.V.E.: Emmalita, he’s not a Basketball “couch”. That makes no sense.

He’s a loveseat.

marya: Does that mean he used to be a La-Z-B-Boy?

emmalita: Judging from that neck beard, I’d say his inner La-Z-B-Boy is close to the surface.

L.O.V.E.: Well, to get to the championship his team had to win the Sectionals.

marya: Yeah, yeah! And they dominated the competition like the Ottoman empire dominated Europe! Get it?

…dammit. I’m never good at puns. Should have quit while I was ahead.

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The Sometimes the Question Is Not Whether to Include a Comment, But Which Comment to Include Comment of the Week goes to bastich for a truly disturbing image:

She’s never going to be able to unlock her iPhone while wearing those pasties, I know that for certain.

The Retain This for Future Clarification Purposes Comment of the Week goes to NateMan, PDamian, and Quartermain with a sympathetic hug to go_nelly for whatever happened to make her coin the phrase “epic douchebag”:

NynjaSquirrel: How does one get elevated from simply ‘douchebag’ to ‘epic douchebag’?

NateMan: Popped collar.

PDamian: Axe body spray.

Quatermain: Shell necklace and no shirt.

The Hand-Picked by the Overlord Comment of the Week goes to DataAngel . He’s always watching. Always. Right now. Shtum!:

I think Liam Gallagher has a beef with just about everyone. If he doesn’t, Noel does. And Noel and Liam have them with each other.

Beef. It’s what’s for Gallagher.

The Huh…I Read That Cast of Villains as Including Mad Hitler. One Can Dream I Suppose Comment of the Week goes to Tracer Bullet with a H/T to zeke_the_pig’s dreams:

If we have one Hitler, we can have a TEAM of Hitlers. Sad Hitler, the crying one. Fad Hitler, the foppish dandy. Cad Hitler, the sexy rogue. Dad Hitler wears cardigan sweaters and chuckles avuncularly. Chad and Brad Hitler are disaffected, homicidal twin teens. Rad Hitler kills with the force of his fist pumping.

The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to bastich with a contextual H/T to Al Borland’s Beard. 168 upvotes:

Al Borland’s Beard: I don’t know. I learned how to write poor, one-dimensional characters from watching The Walking Dead.

bastich: From “The Sopranos”, I learned how to awkwardly end a



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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • Rainbow_Killer

    Oh, you think you can quit me, Eloquent Eloquence? No. No, I quit you first.

    I do not feel that I was given the material this week to warrant an EE
    nomination, and in an effort to maintain the integrity of the website, I
    withdraw my name from contention.

  • Lauren_Lauren

    I don't know if bastich is a new name around here, or if I've just missed him/her before, but fella/honey is *killing it* lately. That Sopranos comment is golden.

    Mrs. Julien, the right honorable Judge J . . . it has been a pleasure pleasing you. Thank you for all your efforts.

  • googergieger

    People are still talking about Mass Effect 3? And liking it? Oh right, people that aren't fans of the series. Yeah, that makes sense.

  • Damn it. Now I'll never get here... thanks, Mrs. J., I've enjoyed these so much.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Why the writy man confuse by movie? Clearly it be boom boom ship go boom, Barbados lady know steering, Tim Riggins is chief of all, Landry there. I get movie. I love movie. - Marcela

    From a Battleship trailer thread, this is one of my favourite comments of all time and I wanted to give it a final shout out. Every once in a while, I think "boom boom ship go boom" and I laugh all over again.

  • Rainbow_Killer

    Sometimes I think of "Aruuuuuuugula! Aruuuuuuugula!" for no reason and giggle to myself. I don't even remember what the comment was about, but it's still funny.

  • Oh hell yes. I actually hand-wrote that on a piece of paper and carried it around with me in my wallet for a time when it appeared before me on here.

  • jon29

    Oh neat, thanks Mrs. Julien. I'm going to print this article off and go ask for a raise!

  • Mrs. Julien

    Be polite to Security while they are escorting you out.

  • bleujayone

    Hats off to Mrs. Julien! She who bravely and voluntarily sifted through endless mounds of fresh literary slurry to pan out a weekly exhibit of our finest gems. It takes some doing to go through each and every post to find something memorable. But Mrs. J, as her predecessors before her, thanklessly sallyforthed into the seemingly infinite sea of snarks, jabs, screeds and diatribes to deliver to us that which we cry for every Friday morning.

    We salute your service, Mrs. J.- You Are A Real Pajibian Hero. As a parting gift we present to you a pint of your favorite ice cream....and the celebrity beefcake of your choice to spoon-feed it to you. Enjoy!

  • bastich

    So who volunteers to help me kidnap Henry Cavill for the parting gift?

  • Maguita NYC

    I'll be on the lookout with my Madsy for "peace officers" while you three go on ahead with your kidnapping plans.

  • llp

    Ummm, me. I volunteer. I volunteer SO HARD.

  • AvaLehra

    Can we stop for a Cumberbatch for me along the way?

  • Mrs. Julien

    NO! Cumberbatch looks like the unholy love child of Brother Julien and the Dowager Julien.

    [squick shivers]

  • AvaLehra

    So I'm going to assume they are both quirkily attractive then.

  • llp

    Well, he's not for you. You can just pretend he's not there, as you reconsider your life choices in the company of one Mr. Craig.

  • llp

    Sure! We'll have to run in and grab him real quick, though. There is a lot of stuff to get accomplished today.

    Hmmm, we're gonna need a bigger van.

  • bleujayone

    I think we're all forgetting one important detail here; what flavor ice cream is requested? I mean if it's some obscure local brand or seasonal flavor, than it might be harder to acquire than the bag-over-head-stuffed-into-windowless-van-plan you've got going for the other half. I'm just saying, why sully the act of being spoon-fed by your dreamboy with the taste of skunky frozen treats. Amiright?

  • bastich

    Couldn't we just split the difference and kidnap Ben and Jerry? I brought extra bags....

  • llp

    I like your attention to detail.

  • Mrs. Julien

    It's why he's part of the EE Holy Trinity.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Psst. Psst. DANIEL CRAIG!

    (It's a whole good looking versus looking like he's good at it thing. Lord, that was vulgar. I'm going to go rethink my life.)

  • Wigamer

    Amen, sister. Amen.

  • bastich

    No worries -- we'll just have to have the one beefcake teach the other, then.

  • emmalita

    First, I want to congratulate all the eloquents. Your eloquacity makes my humdrum life slightly less humdrum. On the pun run I merely provided a platform for funnier people than I to shine. Congrats to L.O.V.E. and marya for the best in punning.

    Now let's take a moment to celebrate Mrs. Julien's reign as arbiter of Pajiba eloquence. Mrs. Julien, thank you for highlighting the best of our community discorse. You make us all better and we will miss basking in your approval. Selfishly, I will miss knowing that I don't have to read carefully, because on Friday you will point out what I missed. I hope that EE is going on hiatus because you now have more interesting things to do with your life than read every single comment of every single post every week.

  • marya

    thankee, thankee. That really was the best I've got, so I'll treasure this win. I'm like the Harper Lee of punning.

  • emmalita

    Well even if there are no more Pulitzers in your future, I hope you will continue to comment. :)

  • Mrs. Julien

    I do so enjoy a tiara, although I suspect that is verging on diadem.

  • AvaLehra

    How about a sunglasses-shaped diadem?

  • Mrs. Julien

    My best friend would just steal it.

  • emmalita

    You deserve all the tiaras and diadems. Except for the ones my niece is clutching in her fists. I am not even going to try to take those away from her.

  • AvaLehra

    Wait, Mrs. Julien is leaving Pajiba altogether -- or just EE? Mrs. Julien, what say you?

  • Maguita NYC

    No ONE LEAVES PAJIBA alive Ava! No one!

    That was my fair warning to Mrs. J. btw, who should still be commenting every day, and doing so for the rest of her days.

  • AvaLehra

    *gulp* I guess I'm a Pajiba lifer! (Just please don't tell them that in my head, I still pronounce it pa-jee-bah. They'll hurt me.)

  • PerpetualIntern

    Me too.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I pronounce it that way, too.

  • Maguita NYC

    There is relished delight in pronouncing it correctly. And when faced with horror or doubt, I enunciate "Angina, Regina, Vagina, Pajiba" as irrefutable support. :D

  • Mrs. Julien

    No, there isn't.

  • bastich

    I heard that Pajiba had a "blood in blood out" policy, like a street gang, or the Girl Scouts.

  • AvaLehra

    Those Girl Scouts man, they don't play. They will cut a bastich.

  • bastich

    No kidding. I owe three large to them on my cookie habit. They threatened to take my thumbs, man.

    I wanna get clean, but the methadone ain't getting that Thin Mints monkey off my back.

  • Maguita NYC

    There are certain things that could not be discussed on the interwebs Bastich, for they generate an automatic alarm and would re-open past investigations.

    In other words, the old but true "If we tell you, we'll have to kill you" holds in this particular case. :)

  • Mrs. Julien

    Just EE and the weekend comment diversions.

    Dustin's not getting rid of me that easily! And now I can read the stuff I skipped because of eligibility vs. time constraints.

  • AvaLehra

    Whew! O.K. You had me worried for a moment there...

  • PDamian

    Many, many thanks -- for the EE acknowledgment and for your hard work!

  • llp

    You have done a marvelous job, Mrs. J, thank you so much. Now, go enjoy the Cavill pictures Maguita NYC dedicated on Facebook to you, and plumb those depths!

  • Don't wanna blow your ego too much, Missus, but it's a Friday, I'm 20 mins away from a drink, and I'm feeling emotional and generous:
    If Pajiba was a country (why isn't it yet?!) - then you'd be a goddamn national treasure.
    - pig salute -

  • Holy shit - bad pig! - I didn't read the first few lines properly...
    Mrs J., how fucking dare you leave EE?!
    The hell do you think this is? Some sort of 'get to do what you want' camp? Fuck that! Dustin, chain her to the radiator!

    On a serious note - urgh, I fucking hate serious notes - you will be missed.

    Goddamn it, now I need a drink.

  • Bert_McGurt

    Neither did I. And now I have Friday afternoon sads :(

    /raises glass
    To Mrs. Julien!

  • emmalita

    You were counting on her beer prizes to supplement your beer budget weren't you.

  • Well... it's partly that...

    Mostly though it's done this to me:

    http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-conte...

  • emmalita

    I remember you remembering your feelings.

  • Mrs. Julien

    That was one of the funniest comments ever on Pajiba, zeke.

  • :)
    You make me blush. Don't make me blush. You won't like me when I blush. Or at least my landlord won't

  • llp

    Ha ha ha ha hah. GREASE FIRE IN THE KITCHEN!

  • AvaLehra

    Can I add this to my resume?

  • Mrs. Julien

    "Can you" or "would it be advisable"?

  • kirbyjay

    NO MORE EE??? Where will I go, what shall I do?
    If you say " frankly my dear, I don't give a damn" I'll......
    well I won't do anything.
    Seriously Mrs. J, thank you for your years of dedicated service. If possible, you made EE even better with your pithy comments.
    I know it must be hard work week after week so thank you, and thanks for adding me to your list 2 1/2 times. I felt honored.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Actually, I was going to say, no, I don't think I will kiss you, although you need kissing badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed and often and by someone who knows how. Oh, well.

    Thank you.

  • Maguita NYC

    You can and you should!
    Also, colleagues should understand your pride over making the EE and invite you for lunch today.

    Congrats Chica :)

  • AvaLehra

    No lie. I mentioned it on my FB...and there were crickets chirping. But hey! You all know this is the cat's meow.

  • llp

    You guys are hilarious, each and every one.

  • bastich

    "Political hissyfit"?!? How could you belittle such serious dialog on such an important issue?

    That's it -- I'm tired of the dealing with the right-wing bias this site has against our post-life brethren. I'm going somewhere where my views are respected!

    /packs bags, moves to SyFy Channel website

  • Mrs. Julien

    You were on GOD DAMN FIRE this week. ON FIRE!

  • In-fucking-deed

  • bastich

    Muchas gracias! And thank you for providing the high-level awesomosity that is EE.

  • emmalita

    bastich en fuego!

  • Maguita NYC

    The amazing Emmalita made the Eloquents!!! Congrats Chica, we should now celebrate with you making some ratatouille and a big-ass side order of Baba-au-rhum!

    And congrats to all Eloquents this week, very well deserved.

  • Second. Big up Emmalita - quality work

  • emmalita

    Thanks, although I've got nothing on you when it comes to creativity with words. I have learned not to drink my coffee while reading comments when I see your avatar on the screen. I'm not sure my laptop can take any more spit-takes.

  • You're too kind. Too kind.

  • Maguita NYC

    So kind of you Zeke to leave (only momentarily) the luscious, and now free, Ms. Bellucci's side/bed to congratulate Emmalita.

  • Pajiba be my first love, gotta keep up appearances you know

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