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Eloquent Eloquence Returns! (Kinda)

By Miscellaneous | Eloquent Eloquence | March 20, 2011 |


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Missed my weekly rants on nothing, did you? I know you did. You gnashed your teeth and wondered why you were only getting four comments a week instead of the 10. The answer to that is: because yes.

But because I am a kind and benevolent Comment Queen, I'm bringing back the weekly EE -- sort of. In short, it'll be a compilation of the week's Comments of the Day, plus a couple of strays that got lost in the fold or just didn't quite make it to #1. Hopefully we'll get things back to 10 a week, but for now we'll make do with what we have.

So here are your Comments of the Week. If you're so willing, pick a favorite and give the commenter that extra boost of bragging rights. Maybe one of these days we can make a real contest out of it. It's a leaner, meaner edition of the EE, because we all know that Spring is coming and that means bikini weather, and we don't want the EE to be embarrassed and bloated, do we? No we don't.

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On Monday, Dr. Pisaster's post on, um, monkey penises and such included a delightful little cautionary tale of what not to put in your penis to try and please women. becks countered with the only thing you should do if you insist on combining penises and beads:

"If you absolutely must add beads then braid them into your pubes and get "One Love" tattooed across your balls." --becks

Tuesday's Trade News featured the name of an actress that the illustrious D-Day suspected of being completely made up. He wasn't taking it.

""Adelaide Clemens"?

Ohhhhh I get it, we're just making up people now. I can play this whole "combine an Australian city with a famous writer's actual name" business so I can fill in Trade News columns, too.

-- The lead role in HullabaloowhatsitIdon'tcare has been given to a relative newcomer, this time it's Hobart Basoalto, fresh off his appearance as "Man With Back To Camera #3" and "Guy Getting Hair Cut".

-- They've finally found the next Flashinthepanherowithnochancetomakeit! Casting directors have optioned the role to Perth Geisel, the British TV star of Onehourofsnarkycomments.

-- After passing the role on from Angelina Jolie to Olivia Wilde, Hollywood has cast the next big star! It'll be Melbourne Dodgson suiting up in the role of Tits McShootguns in the latest sure-fire summer blockbuster bomb!
Two can play this game, Robinson..." --D-Day

On Wednesday, superasente dared to insult the Irish, something you just don't do on St. Patrick's Day:

"At first I was like, "Where the fuck is Billy Elliot?" But then I read in the snynopsis on IMDB that it takes place in England and all was well again. Hahaha, how funny is is that I mistook the English for the Iri... [car explodes]" --superasente

Here's penelope's brilliant piece from Thursday, which many of you might have missed because I'm a spaz and forgot to post it on the day. Look at FASSBENDER here to understand.

"If Inigo Montoya met up with Tilda Swinton from Narnia and had a child, and that child was spoon-fed only marshmallow fluff until he/she was shipped off to an elite boarding school in Vienna where he/she studied Rococo art while drawing unicorns with flowing manes in which pixies and elves nestled for shelter during the rainy season, and then the child in question decided to break away from whatever family business the White Witch and Inigo Montoya may take part in in order to fulfill his dream of becoming a fashion merchandiser (who's featured clients are Queen Frostine of Candyland, Padme Amidala circa Attack of the Clones, and a shit-ton of cherubs)...

...that would explain the story behind who the fuck could find a way to dress Michael Fassbender in that manner." -penelope

And here's an extra, because a week can't go by without jM being a perverted panda molester, though I can't blame her, what with the link to the Embarrassment of Pandas in that day's Pajiba Love :

"LIES! They have nothing to be embarrassed about. What happens between a girl and a panda in her basement with a paddle and Jodeci's "Freek'n You" playing in the background, is NATURAL. I don't care what those puritanical designers think." -jM

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Hope that made your weekend a little better. If it didn't, I recommend whiskey. And if you want to see more comments on the weekly listing, here's how: Just comment more, and be funnier. Hear ye, hear ye.

Figgy is a displaced Honduran currently melting in Dallas, even though it's only March, which means she probably won't live through summer. Read her blog here or follow her on Twitter.



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