Eloquent Eloquence: Imagine What Salma Hayek Would Look Like With Beer Goggles!
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Eloquent Eloquence: Imagine What Salma Hayek Would Look Like With Beer Goggles!

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | October 12, 2012 | Comments ()


Eloquent Eloquence is a compilation of the best comments of the week. Comments in reviews and on the caption contest are not eligible for inclusion.

There is a link in the commenter's name that will take you to the original post.

The Don't Make Me Choose! Comment of the Week goes to this entire thread of Pajibans being sad and offended and lovely and captious and all the other things that make the site wonderful.

The It's Definitely M.I., It Might Even Be T.M.I., But It Also Calls for an SRL Comment of the Week goes to bleujayone. Do go on:

Khal_Drogo_Dude.gif"How Much Would You Pay To Get Khal Drogo In Your Pants?"

-The question in our house is what would I do to get Khal Drogo OUT of my pants! The answer of course is anything and with great difficulty since Baby Bleuberry has done a remarkable job of evaporating much (read that as ALL) sexytime. How is she ever going to get a sibling? It is probably going to involve a Herculean effort of covert quickstrike during a naptime.

And while I have no idea how you're privy to but one of our pet names, I'd appreciate you keeping silent on the others. It took me forever to shake the last one loose..."Thulsa Doom" isn't nearly as awesome a bedchamber moniker as one might think.

The First Get Salma Hayek in Your Kitchen Comment of the Week goes to Natallica for a tantalizing preview of what happens when you mix drinks and unobtainable women:

There's no need to go sober. If these women do exist without beer goggles, just imagine what would be actually LOOKING AT THEM WITH BEER GOGGLES! After four or five bottles, you would have Salma cooking you real, bona-fide mexican tacos in a corset and fishnets while Hendricks pours you a Jack Daniels and starts a conversation about the pros and cons of puppies and kittens


The Statham Is Always the Answer Comment of the Week goes to BigRedMachine, despite the inexplicable exclusion of potential bare Statham torso.

Parker. Hands down. Obviously.
Jason Statham dressed like the Woody Harrelson version of a cowboy, doing an intentionally bad Texas cowboy accent?
Cinema gold.
And the last 14 years of J-Lo have yet to tarnish my memories of "Out of Sight," so I'll hold out hope that she makes good again.

The I'm an Anti-Somnolence Davenport Mechanism, Consistently Comment of the Week goes to firedmyass for wrasslin' a baffling jumble of words:

"I'm not a fan of donuts, personally."

Ooh! Can I play?

"At times I'm an air conditioner of ennui, scientifically."

This is that new game where we make up sentences that, while grammatically correct, make no goddam sense, right?

The Because They Deserve It Double Inclusion Tag Team Comment of the Week goes to zeke_the_pig and Natallica. Both Putin and the shark will be shirtless:

zeke_the_pig: Putin would never iron his own pants. A shark's pants, though? Yes.

Natallica: No, no. Putin would force the shark to iron his pants. And the shark would LOVE it

The Rocket Racoon Defense Tactics Plan A Comment of the Week goes to BobbFrapples because the damn things just move out of range when you spray them with the hose:

If you hand him a cracker in the middle of a gunfight will he stop firing bullets and wash the cracker? Raccoons = OCD food washers of the animal world.


The Between Gun Brandishing Raccoons, Iron Wielding Sharks, and a Zombie Apocalypse, I'm Getting a Little Antsy Comment of the Week goes to MikeRoorda:

As we learned from Brooks in World War Z, cruise ships are an extremely risky venture. If you haven't properly insured that everyone on board is free of zombie-itis or cleared all the undead out of the cargo holds, a ship at sea quickly becomes a floating all-you-can-eat brain buffet. You also have to be concerned about them climbing the rigging if you remain anchored. (They aren't alive, they don't breath and can walk around underwater indefinitely.) Lastly, if you DO manage to set up on a ship and are safe from infection, the question of logistics quickly becomes an issue. Finding enough fresh water and food to keep everyone alive is extremely difficult. You *could* raid infected ships after they've mostly died off from starvation or stumbled overboard, but then you risk infection yourself, and there's no guarantee that the foodstuffs will still be usable.

If I had to chose someplace to ride out the zombie invasion it would be in an old castle some place rural in Europe. They're already designed to resist sieges and are intentionally easy to defend. Some of them have their own sources of fresh water. Keep enough cattle or livestock on hand and as SOON as shit goes south stock as many dry goods as possible and you might be able to make it through.


The What To Do When There Are Three "Pigs" on a Thread Comment of the Week goes to zeke_the_pig . Go with him, if you want to live:

Shotgun house made of bricks!

The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to Idiosynchronic. Your new pajibanym is The Thigh Master:

I toured with an ice skating company one summer. I fear no thigh.


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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • kirbyjay

    Keep in mind that those D-cups have nursed a baby and are no longer where you think they are.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Question: Did zeke_the_pig make the list twice in one week and then quibble about which comment was included?

    For the record, the mailman thing was on the cull list.

  • zeke_the_pig

    I hang my head in shame and grin mischievously at the same time at this comment. What can I say, you spoil me, this is what happens

  • L.O.V.E.

    Meanwhile, I toil in obscurity. Never to rise to full Eloquence. Must I die a thousand traggic deaths for my art to be recognized?

    For what is L.O.V.E.?
    "Mrs. J.", don't hurt me. Don't hurt me, no more.

    (That was awful. I choose death by feral, fully fecaled ferret. My last meal should be a Chucky Cheese pizza)

  • zeke_the_pig

    Don't do it! Firstly because I appreciate your art; secondly because you shouldn't inflict a Chucky Cheese pizza on a poor ferret.

  • Natallica

    Wow! My first time, wheeee! After this, I think I have Pajiba's blessing to start my dream career: fanfic writer! Watch out, E.L. James... here comes "Salma and Christina: Fifty Shades of D-Cup" (with Vladimir Putin as "The Boss")

  • Fabius_Maximus

    For half a second, that sounded like an interesting idea.

  • Natallica
  • Fabius_Maximus

    It sure is, but not one I want to see.

  • Maguita NYC

    Congrats! And FYI, I believe Vlad Puttin-it-in Salma is already a movie... a DD-cup movie!

  • BierceAmbrose


    It took me pages to go back & check something on last week's caption contest(*). The sheer volume of good writing in the articles and comments (some even correct) just blew me away. Again.

    it seems like a lot of work to parse out EE, captions or anything else. But, nice work if you can get it.

    Onward ...

    (*) Checking on my Whedon-based submission. It's a small, funny idea, over-written and way too on point. I killed that one before it had a chance. Sorry about that.

  • Guest

    They found him, then they killed him so he couldn't be tried, then they dumped his body in the ocean so his body could never be found, then half the SEAL team died shortly thereafter.

    There's an Oliver Stone movie right there.

  • BierceAmbrose

    Stone doesn't need that much material.

    I'd say it's more like a documentary, but they're not that competent. There's a couple rules here, similar to Hanlon's Razor (Heinlein quote): "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."

    Maybe these:

    "Never attribute to conspiracy what's adequately explained by convenient choices."

    "Never attribute to a central control what;'s adequately explained by uncoordinated self-interest."

    Really, it doesn't take a grand conspiracy of nefarious forces for strangeness to ensue, just a lot of partial information, small-range choices, self interest and venality. While conspiracies are hard (You try making one.) we have those other things in abundance

    /End Tinfoil Half-Hat

  • MikeRoorda

    Well, I was going to drink anyway, now I guess I'll have a slightly better reason to do so. Maybe something with bubbles in it this time? Probably not. It's fall. Fall is Bourbon Time.

  • zeke_the_pig

    Goddamn, I expend a significant amount of brain juice pouring out a wordy screed about racist mailmen, and it's my hungover scattershot Putin 'n' pig comments that make it this week?
    Mrs J, you are a woman of singular tastes.
    Natallica, I do believe your other entry was also in response to me. You can thank me later.
    Oh and the 'Don't make me choose' thread that featured up there was indeed fucking fantabulous.
    Anyway it's nearing 5 o'clock - so as usual, zeke wishes you all a happy Friday, and a happy hair of the dog Saturday. BOOZE!

  • L.O.V.E.

    zeke, it just proves that the only editor who matters a damn is the hamster spinning the slot machine in your head. Anything else is just Cherry, Cherry, Orange.

  • firedmyass

    It's now obvious what the common denominator in my appearances on EE is being too funk to druck. Noted.

  • firedmyass



  • zeke_the_pig

    Don't do it, man! Do what I do and hide the computer when drunk - that way you'll only remember where it is when in the same state. Friends don't let friends post sober.

  • Natallica

    It was, yes. But you should actually thank me: I successfully stopped your intent of quitting sweet, yummy, sexy hallucination inducing booze

  • zeke_the_pig

    You're right actually, it was a close call for a little while there - thanks.

  • John G.

    Is that the secret? I have to use a lot less brain juice?

  • googled hair of the dog, I'm a smarter man now. kept thinking of heir of the dog though. The album that was supposed to be named son of a bitch.

  • ,

    Isn't that a Nazareth album and a Nazareth song?

    Now you're messin' with a son of a bitch.

  • zeke_the_pig

    Damn straight it is, and a damn awesome earpunch of an album (and song) it is.

  • ,

    Saw Nazareth once. "Expect No Mercy" tour.

    Opened for Jethro Tull ("Bursting Out" tour).

    Yeah, I'm old.

  • zeke_the_pig

    Fucking jealous

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