Eloquent Eloquence: Hunnam-Ahummana Edition
Eloquent Eloquence, Hunnam-Ahummana Edition, is a compilation of the best comments of the week. Comments in non-Dustin reviews are ineligible for inclusion.
He’s a movie reviewer. What could possibly be the worst film he’s ever seen?
• The For This Post Alone, I Will Love You for a Reasonable and Previously-Agreed-Upon Length of Time Comment of the Week goes to indarchandra, along with an appropriate reaction from firedmyass:
Word the flutternutter up! I consider myself a pretty strident feminist actually, but I get a bit pissy when folks assume that means that I’m somehow the arbiter of good taste and common sense. Feminist Issue: Do women really need to be insecure about how “pretty” their snatch is? Non-feminist issue: vajazzaling that shit. Feminist Issue: the huge economic burden women assume when they feel it is required to removed every last bit of “offensive” hair, buy all the beauty products, and wardrobe to look acceptable, whilst men can usually rock it with a bar of lava soap and jeans without crotch holes. Non-feminist Issue: Enjoying a good moisturizer.
I don’t give a toss if some lunkhead doesn’t know the word if she gets the concept. I don’t know much about this girl, but from what I can tell, I’m not sure I would piss on her if she were on fire. But that isn’t because I’m a strident feminist and she’s stupid, it’s because I’m a fundamentally bad person. Different things.
• The Cate Blanchett and Tilda Swinton Can Wear Whatever They Want Whenever Want and Look Fierce. Because Cate and The Tild. End of Story. Comment of the Week goes to Vermillion with a tee up from AgLexington:
Cate and the Tild: the new sitcom from the producers of That’s My Dadaism. Thursdays on NBC.
• The For an Insight This Delightful, You Do Reward the Messenger Comment of the Week goes to Quatermain. Search your feelings. You know it to be true:
I saw an article once(I think it was maybe in Maxim)about how aging rock stars reach a point where they are indistinguishable from middle-aged lesbians, at least in how they dress, anyways. The above pictures reminded me of nothing so much as they do that article.
• The Who Doesn’t Love Binary Code Humour? Comment of the Week goes to Batesian for a delightful jaunt in the Wayback Machine:
Spader plays “… a mad artificial intelligence” created by Downey Jr’s Stark — so it’s Avengers: Less Than Zero One Zero One One Zero?
• The It Was Inevitable From the Moment News Broke That Monica Bellucci Is Single Comment of the Week goes to zeke_the_pig. Your prize is beer. The rest is up to you:
We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin…
Today, at approximately 15:06 Greenwich Mean Time, a blinding flash of unknown origin was seen over East London. This flash, which one local resident described as, ‘A searing column of righteous light’, reportedly then shot straight upwards and tore through a heavy, overcast sky. The beam, which was of a diameter of around two football pitches, cleaved a hole in the clouds before disappearing just as soon as it arrived.
Reports say that, following this, residents as far afield as Edinburgh then experienced a colossal shockwave that, ‘tore doors and windows off their hinges, and in some cases even flipped over cars.’ The chaos in East London itself is indescribable.
It is unclear yet whether the beam of light and shockwave are somehow connected but-…
Wait! Wait! I’m just getting word that the cloud cover over East London - just minutes ago broken apart by the mysterious beam of light - has now reformed, but with strange gaps in it that seem to spell out, ‘I’M COMING, MONICA!’
It is unclear at the moment, ladies and gentlemen, what any of this could mean or what the cause of such a powerful force could be, but two things are certain: we will bring you more news as and when it breaks, and whoever ‘Monica’ is better be prepared - ideally with a few beers and a double bed.’
• The If You Are Doing It Right, You Don’t Need a Sarcasm Font Comment of the Week goes to lilianna28. Great job. No really, great job. :
The wide-spread popularity and obsession with 50 Shades is clearly indicative of horrible sex in real life because studies have found that people who lack a basic grasp of the importance of grammar and fluid plot development in fiction are terrible lovers.
• The Their Value Has Skyrocketed Since His Passing Comment of the Week goes to Zuffle. Your prize is this slightly less valuable unicorn tear:
Apologies for my typing. The scale from Steve Jobs’ horn that powers my iPad appears to be on the fritz.
• The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to Captain_Tuttle for Wind in the Willows fanfiction. You heard me:
It’s all in the presentation. Picture this: it’s spring, innocent Mole decides to escape his humdrum life underground. His friend Ratty introduces Mole to the wealthy and eccentric Mr. Toad. Mr. Toad is friendly and personally seductive, if a bit slimy and bug-eyed. Mole can’t really tell if Mr. Toad is all that attractive, being quite near-sighted himself. Mole is socially awkward, and is afraid he has come off as naive and foolish in his conversations with Mr. Toad. However, Mr. Toad is captivated by Mole’s lack of worldliness, and determines to introduce Mole to the wider world (so to speak).
Mole and Mr. Toad begin a wild ride across the countryside, with Mole becoming enthralled by Mr. Toad’s lavish lifestyle. Mole doesn’t notice that he is gradually becoming subservient to Mr. Toad, to the point where he is fetching, carrying, and bathing Mr. Toad. Mole is oddly titillated by the bathing part, and he likes being ordered around by Mr. Toad.
Mr. Toad throws lavish parties at which Mole acts as Toad’s servant, and Toad also loans Mole out to his friends for all kinds of services that Mole never knew existed. Mole finds that he enjoys the submissive role in his relationships, and at one point asks Ratty to spank him fin front of all the inhabitants of the wild wood.
Ratty sees an opportunity here, and introduces Mole to Mr. Badger, a hermit with a dark past. On the way, Ratty doses Mole with something to make Mole hallucinate, which also has the effect of making Mole feel excessively amorous. Ratty and Mole arrive at Badger’s cave, and find Badger in the midst of a solo session. Badger welcomes the two to his den, and the three of them engage in a bit of rough play. Because of the drug, Mole exceeds his boundaries and completely forgets the safe word, frightening Ratty, but turning Badger on even more… .
I haven’t read 50 Shades of anything, and I don’t intend to, but I’m guessing that’s how it would go down in the Willows.
Pajiba Love Express
Here's some Daveed Diggs for you. On Daveed Diggs' digs, actually. That man does things with clothes that should not make sense, but are absolutely perfect. (Go Fug Yourself)
Woody Allen has "so moved on" from his daughter's accusations and says he never even thinks about it. He equates her words about him to a bad review he won't read and comments on how wacky it is that Mia Farrow is his mother-in-law. He is the worst. (Celebitchy)
Not The Worst but still very gross: Leonardo DiCaprio and his
Here are 5 under-the-radar shows. I had never even heard of the first two. (Uproxx)