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Eloquent Eloquence: Fire Power Under a Poodle Skirt Edition

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | July 12, 2013 | Comments ()


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Eloquent Eloquence, Fire Power Under a Poodle Skirt Edition, is a compilation of the best comments of the week. Comments in non-Dustin reviews are ineligible for inclusion, and, yes, I read all the comments on the Pajiba 10 voting post up to 12:44 pm on July 11th.

Don’t forget the Pajiba Summer 2013 Book Club.

This devolved evolved into a glorious discussion of weapon concealment in women’s undergarments.

The PAJIBA LEXICON! Comment of the Week goes to fauxhawk for explaining the immediate precursor to moistened lions:

Dang, I totally forgot about the pantful of lady bone I have had for Ken Marino!!

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The Ne Quid Nimis Comment of the Week goes to John G. and Black Rabbit because Pajiba commenters can’t have too much approbation:

John G.: Dr. Gwyneth Paltrow says nothing natural can hurt you. I can’t add aconite and arsenic to my morning coffee.

BlackRabbit: Hell, I been takin’ Dr. Chaney’s Aconite Supplements fer years. Ain’t hurt me yet!

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The Well, They Showed Me Her Ass, Why Can’t I See His? Comment of the Week goes to The Double Standard with a cheek pinch to emmalita:

Because of me.

The Pajiba Murdertank Valour Medal of Liberty Comment of the Week goes to God Of Bal-Sagoth for dealing with a troll by relentlessly correcting her/his grammar and syntax. Go look at the thread for the full effect:

* You use a space after a comma, not before.

* “buffaloes”

* Capitalize “see,” because it’s the start of a sentence.

* Should be “‘ole.”

* “The View” is a proper noun and should be capitalized. If you want to get technical, it should have quotes around it since it’s the title of a TV show.

* “puuuk” - yeah, I got nothing on that. Maybe you’re trying to say “puke” or “punk.” No idea.

* Should be “it’s,” since it’s a contraction of “it is,” and thus requires an apostrophe.

* Again, you don’t need a space before punctuation, but you do need to capitalize afterwards.

* “dummy’s” doesn’t need an apostrophe since it’s a plural, not a possessive. Also, it should be “dummies.”

* “the those” doesn’t make sense, I’m guessing you just meant “those.”

Just trying to help. I’d hate for you to get mistaken for one of those dummies.

The I ♥ Pajiba Comment of the Week goes to DehydrationStation, randomhookup and llp. There is no “I” in team:

DehydrationStation: Huh. I see your point. Maybe Cera does get old. You know, like Jason Bateman does. Oh, except Bateman made this list, and Cera didn’t. You will not foil my outrage.

randomhookup: Well, sir, you are in luck, because we no longer foil outrage. We use these neat little recycled paper containers for you to package your outrage in and take home with you for later.

llp: My outrage was packaged in styrofoam last week. I can’t even recycle it.

DehydrationStation:
Well I’ll be damned.

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The How Not to Defend Yourself Against Claims of Spousal Abuse Comment of the Week goes to TK for a surgical strike against Nigella Lawson’s soon-to-be-ex-husband:

Yeah, I don’t know that the “bitches, amirite?” approach is really going to help his case.

The The Casting Couch Has Never Looked So Appealing Comment of the Week goes to Maguita NYC for her George Clooney Award Show Arm Candy application letter:

George and Stacey broke up? Noooooo! I was positive she was the one….

Dear George,

I’m no ex-waitress, hustler, wrestler, starlet or whatever you have been employing up to now, but I am a cute blonde bitch on wheels who knows how to handle a-holes while maintaining a “dignified” professional attitude.

Also, I hear you like the whip.
I know how to handle one.

Call me, I negotiate on annual basis.

Also, I look good in Armani.

The What Is the Value of a Baberaham Lincoln? Comment of the Week goes to Quatermain whose prize is 100 buttcoins:

If you’re going to use hotness as currency, I’m pretty sure the unit of measurement is more likely to be a ‘Salma’ or a ‘Viggo.’ The ‘Benedict’ is what the Lizard People would use if they tried to counterfeit and destabilize said currency.

The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to NateMan with a H/T to Bea Pants for asking what to do “if you are investigating a strange noise and the cat leaps out of some nook or cranny” on a post that was hysterical in all senses of the word (except the misogynistic origin).

And that’s why you grab the cat by the tail and flail it about your head. Best case scenario, the serial killer gets a face full of seriously pissed-off cat. Worst case scenario, the cat learns to not jump out at you. Either way you win.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • BlackRabbit

    Werewolf joke ftw!

  • llp

    My inclusion is kind of default for incidental participation in brilliance, but I will take it. I'm not proud.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Nope. Nope. Not incidental.

  • Eve

    I think I have a little crush on God Of Bal-Sagoth after checking that thread.

    Oh, who am I kidding? Let me have your babies.

  • AnnaKendrick'sLoveMuffin

    Hmmm. Starts with 'moistened lions' and ends with 'seriously pissed-off cat'.

    And thus, the Circle of Life is complete, Simba.

  • alwaysanswerb

    Blanche, gurl, how YOU doin?

    Also that takeout box is faboosh.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I hoped you'd stop by and see Blanche!

  • Sara_Tonin00

    We've moved beyond posting pictures to *creating* graphics?! I'm doomed, doooooomed.

    But seriously, that's a very cute takeout image and an eloquent comment thread indeed.

  • Maguita NYC

    Woohoo, I made the Eloquents, thank you Mrs. J!

    Also, I've sent in my application. Please note that instead of casting couch, I've firmly "suggested" the Thrashing Dungeon, just so I have a better chance at an interview.

  • PDamian

    Oh, my dear Lord ... I missed the God of Bal-Sagoth takedown the first time around. Many thanks, Mrs. Julien, for bringing it to my attention. God of Bal-Sagoth, I kneel before your badass-dom and make obeisance to your awesomeness.

  • Maguita NYC

    I'm still going through it and it is hilarious.
    The troll reminded me a lot of "Smackbo" from "we are all going to hell if we don't believe in god" thread.

    Congrats to all Eloquents, and Nateman, you are one scary vicious mofo. And I mean that in a very good way!

  • kinoumenthe

    At the same time, the language was so weird. It was like watching a new kind of bot… (with Chinese transcripts included)

  • Maguita NYC

    Sadly, only humans could be that stubborn and unreasonable.

  • foolsage

    Yeah, that was a truly bizarre conversation. It wasn't even conventional trolling; it was more like an Andy Kaufman performance art piece.

  • delle

    Yes it was! I happened to be on that thread as God of Bal-Sagoth was systematically cutting the legs from under the person and I had similar thoughts. I'm glad the thread got a shout out here, I kept that one up on the screen so I could watch it keep unfolding...normally I lose interest quickly in a troll's back n forth but I would have watched it for hours...compelling stuff!

  • BWeaves

    I love the EE awards. I missed some of these the first time around, and they were definitely NOT to be missed.

  • emmalita

    Ugh! The Double Standard. That guy is the worst!

    Congrats to all the Eloquents. You made hot coffee come out my nose with laughter.

  • emmalita

    Fuck you spambot emma - you are the worst. You are worse than The Double Standard!

  • emma852

    as Lori implied I'm stunned that anyone able to make $7437 in four weeks on the computer. did you see this link w­w­w.K­E­P­2.c­o­m

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