Eloquent Eloquence: Disembowel with My Mind Science Edition
New collective noun: A Pajiba of Puns. This week it's Die Hard's turn. Best in show? Die Hoarder.
• The This Needed to Be Said Comment of the Week goes to Bert_McGurt because maybe, sometimes, what do I know, I'm just sayin', we Canadians can be skooch sanctimonious when comparing ourselves to the behemoth south of the border:
Most of Canada doesn't give a sh*t about the First Nations either. There has been a growing movement in the past month or so dedicated to getting government off their collective ass*s and start addressing the multitude of issues facing (mostly, but certainly not entirely) on-reserve people including land rights, environmental issues, housing, missing women, clean water, education, jobs, and the egregious costs of living. And the response from most of the rest of the country has been some form of denigration of the "lazy, tax-exempt, unemployed, substance abusing freeloading Indians wasting taxpayer money". It's absolutely sickening. It's the last bastion of acceptable racism here.
What gets me the most is how arrogantly people take for granted the things they have access to in their non-reserve communities. Things like say, paying a normal price for a jug of milk or actual nutritious food. Or having decent, relatively local access to highfalutin' privileges like a hospital or a grade 12 education. Or not having to wait for the province (and the weather, obviously) to build a goddamned ice road before your community can receive supplies (which may or may not include the diesel fuel the community needs to run generators to actually keep the lights on) without them being flown in at grossly higher expense and much lesser capacity.
And of course that's not even touching on the decades of institutional racism suffered in the form of things like residential schools, and the after -effects of the attempted assimilation, physical and sexual abuse the survivors continue to face.
Sorry for the rant. I know the history is different on either side of the border but it's a sh*t deal for the indigenous people either way.
• The And He Can Do Comedy Comment of the Week goes to Bert_McGurt, although anger is a consistent theme:
I love that photo of Dicaprio with the lobsters. It's like he's incredulously reaming them out.
"You think your big fancy claws intimidate me, you crustacean bastards? Might I remind you that I am a warm-blooded VERTEBRATE? You get your molting goddamn exoskeletons the hell off this boat before I crack you the f*ck open and start sucking out your tender boneless innards!"
• The Succinct, Funny and Pithy Comment of the Week goes to John G. for calling a spade a spade, and doing so deftly:
"jailbait" puts the onus on the girls, but really it should be called "pedophile: the movie". I usually translate " Directed by Harmony Korine " as exactly that.
• The I Just Do It to Annoy You Sybil Comment of the Week goes to Prolixity Julien because I am awesome!:
Vincent Cassel always looks one breath away from reaching for the piano wire to break the tedium with "a nice garroting".
• The That Covers All Possible Professions Except Drug Lord Comment of the Week goes to John W who should maybe step away from primetime:
Cops are always disgraced.
Lawyers never play by the rules.
Women are always feisty.
Teachers are always "cool".
Black people are always sassy.
Elderly people are always wise, horny, foul mouthed, take your pick.
Children are always precocious.
• The Critical Mass of Upvotes Comment of the Week goes to Carlito and a comment deserving of anonymous approbation:
That was a triumph. I'm making a note here: "HUGE SUCCESS." It's hard to overstate my satisfaction.
Guillermo Del Toro. He does what he must because he can. For the good of all of us, except the ones whose souls are dead. But there's no sense crying over every casting mistake. You just keep on trying till you run out of beefcake.
And the 'splosions get done, and you make a neat gundam, for the people whose souls are still alive.
• The Plus the Soap Ring is Sentient Comment of the Week goes to Mrcreosote who has escaped the nefarious hair products thus far:
I imagine one in the shape of a half-melted bar of soap, one in the form of a loofah and one in the form of that 99% empty bottle of conditioner that always ends up under your foot while taking a shower. That fucker is a Decepticon because it's always trying to kill me.
• The It Certainly Puts the Movie Always in Perspective Comment of the Week goes to xulux. Please pick up your very own Mr. Pointy on the way out:
Only when we begin to ask what his motives might be for covering up the presence of the vampires does the global enormity of Spielberg's evil begin to come into focus. I know I'll never watch The Color Purple the same.
• The In Fact Ridley Scott Has Already Pitched This, But with Less Nihilism Comment of the Week goes to Groundloop:
"Ahh. He hass rolled a five, und landed on Park Place, vich also is having von, nein! Two hotels. Zadly, he has not enough cash und property to cover hiss debts. Ze banker, und hiss neighbours laff at him, und refuse to ekshtend his credit.
Hiss game is kaput.
He shtares into zee abyss...lost, und alone"
Narration from a scene for Werner Herzog's forthcoming epic board game documentary, Monocalypse, coming soon to a theatre near you.
• The I Think I Love You Comment of the Week goes to bewegung951 for making all the splatter fangirls feel a little less lonely:
...and to the girls who watch Texas Chainsaw 3-D, to you I say there is hope for you as well. You will probably go see this movie by yourself. This is not because you don't have friends, but because the friends you do have won't care. The one whose beauty you wish you could match is thinks it will be gross, your best guy friend will see it with his girlfriend, and you, you tom-boyish, cinephile, will feel no shame as you ask for a single ticket to the ten o'clock showing. For a few years, the quiet of the theatre seats to your left and right will match the silence of your social life. Time will pass quickly because you fill your time passionately involved with as many passion projects as you can get your hands on. You will work hard for a long time. You will barely make ends meet, but your hard work and love for the things with which you involve yourself will be worth it. You will meet someone who shares your passionate love for things extreme, with whom you can share inspiration from the goriest of sources, and will not think you odd for having watched these films alone for such a long time. You will spend your time creating thing you love, and consuming things that others built with their honest, creative passion, sharing those laughter-filled horror movie nights with fellow gore enthusiasts who welcome you with open arms. Texas Chainsaw 3-D will be a happy escape from the reality of our stresses. You will love it, and while you should enjoy every second, try to remember to not defend it as a legitimately good film.
Thanks for this review. It brings back memories.
• The Who Needs a Sarcasm Font? Not I, Puny Mortals! Comment of the Week goes to Amanda Meyncke who is nobody's baby. [tiny fist raised in solidarity]:
Women! With their tiny hands too cramped to write truths of the human experience and lady brains too filled with grocery lists to think about deeper meaning or artistic expression, their hearts incapable of feeling anything but limited emotions. Their eyes too weak to see anything but romantic comedies and throats choked up with tears, unable to fling forth laughs. These white bread menaces have afflicted our artistic community for far too long, and I, for one, won't stand for it any longer.
• The Just As Long As It's Not Monet Comment of the Week goes to Tasha Rothwell whose prize is a good moisturizer and some spackle :
If I ever get plastic surgery done I'd hope it's not by a 'Picasso'. Or even a 'Van Gogh'. I'd prefer an artist more photorealistic, like Rembrandt.
Actually what I'm really counting on, by the time I need it, is the CGI team at Weta Workshop developing some software that can reengineer my skin cells the same way they do with pixels.
• The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to Johnnyboy for movie lover's Mad Libs:
Adjustment Bureau was sci-fi by Chinese menu. Pick one from each column.
Column A (protagonist):
2) Rebel Hillbilly
3) Dishwashing Savant
4) Irreverent Grandmother
Column B (heroine):
1) roller derby queen
3) diner waitress
4) part-time welder
Column C ("Bad guys"):
1) Drug Lords
2) Giant mole rats
3) Agents of space-time continuum
4) Hometown bullies
Column D (Distinctive feature of "bad guys"):
1) Gold front tooth
2) chainsaws for hands
3) squeaky voice
4) funny hat
Column E (overarching theme):
1) it's good to be lucky
2) love endures
3) love stinks
4) ennui above all
God that movie was utterly idiotic, formulaic garbage. They should have picked all 1's. Now THAT movie I would have paid to see in the theater!