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Eloquent Eloquence: Death By A Thousand Sporks

By Prolixity Julien | Posted Under Eloquent Eloquence | Comments (75)

080228-spork-religion.jpg

Eloquent Eloquence is a compilation of the ten best comments of the week. Comments in film reviews are not eligible for inclusion.

10. I haven’t been a very happy person since middle school a few years back. It was worse than usual so I decided to go talk with someone. The therapist I saw seemed to be reading from the manual of the good therapist. When I got home I told my mother about her and she deadpanned, “She needs a few suicides under her belt before she figures out how to do her job.” — rio

9. Sarah, I was with you … right up until the moment I skidded into Buscemi. No matter what that man wears, he always looks like Don Knotts on crack. — Carolina Girl

8. You had me at Bag of Dicks. — Greedy

7. I don’t … I don’t think I get it.

Here is a random and pointless list of words to couple your random list of movies.

1. Baffling
2. Coconut
3. Charisma
4. Poop
5. Domination
6. Eager
7. Asparagus
8. Down
9. Ticket
10. Haberdashery — superasente

6. You forgot the FOURTH option for castration; being endlessly jabbed and stabbed in the scrotum by an assault of disgruntled movie-goers one at a time who are each armed with plastic cutlery- better known as …

Death By A Thousand Sporks. — bluejayone

5. Dear Whoever Is In Charge Of These Things:

I know this time yesterday I was asking you to kill me, but I’ve changed my mind. Please wait to kill me until after Community and Breaking Bad have ended. I will try to refrain from begging for sweet, sweet release until then.

Thanks for listening!

P.S. If the Blu ray edition release date of The West Wing is within 3 months after the aforementioned show finales, please stay death until after I’ve seen the first four seasons. Kill me right before I decide to watch the last three just for the sense of completion. — Three-nineteen

4. “Slimer was gay.”

Fucking FINALLY. Thank you. A thousand times over, thank you.

I can’t wait to print this out, duct-tape it to a brick and chuck the fucking thing through my ex-wife’s windshield, especially seeing how this subject was a major contributing factor in our marriage falling apart.

Sincerely,
Jeremy. — Skitz

3. Also, I’ve been yelling “MARS ATTACKS!” when I whip it out for years. — D-Day

2. Nicknames for lady area? What’s wrong with ‘kitchen’?

Hey-yo! Up top!

/sorry about the rape culture — really

(Publisher’s note: “Really’s” IP was banned two days later.)

1. If his wheelchair still had a charge, Christopher Reeve would be rolling in his grave. — admin









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Comments

Huzzah! The Return of EE! Huzzah! I'll gladly take it as a badge of sideways honor that about half of these came from my Trade News posts. Yes, yes, I'm an ass, I know.

But since you can't nominate yourself, Mrs. J, here's my personal favorite comment of the week, made by you:

"The hookers and blow aren't going to pay for themselves logan. And by 'hookers and blow', I mean Lichtensteins and banjo strings."

Brilliant.

Posted by: RobP at September 9, 2011 11:31 AM

Oh god.

Posted by: snapnhiss at September 9, 2011 11:34 AM

'Eloquent Eloquence' is back?

Finally.

This Summer's been brutal.

Posted by: OldSchool60 at September 9, 2011 11:35 AM

Wow. As if Friday weren't already a good day.

Posted by: , at September 9, 2011 11:36 AM

Oh, EE, how I missed you.

Posted by: A-schaef at September 9, 2011 11:37 AM

...and what do you mean "Comments in film reviews are not eligible for inclusion."?

...why?

(Because, while we encourage you to display your wit in whatever way possible and as off-topic as need be, because of the time and effort that goes into writing a review, we'd prefer that you engage more directly with the review and/or movie. -DR)

Posted by: OldSchool60 at September 9, 2011 11:39 AM

You win Mrs. J.

I had to look up Prolixity.

I hope you dont think less of me....

Posted by: logan at September 9, 2011 11:42 AM

These are all gold. So glad EE is back.

Why was "really" banned? We do that here? What did he say that was that offensive?

Also, why no comments from reviews? What's your angle?

Posted by: THRILLHO at September 9, 2011 11:44 AM

Ooooh, I like this! I have never seen EE before.

Posted by: Skyler Durden at September 9, 2011 11:58 AM

WHEE! It's gonna be nice watching this from the bleachers again.

Godspeed, Mrs J, and do try to not go crazy so soon. Look at what happened to Prisco. Look at what happened to me. Avoid that.

Posted by: figgy at September 9, 2011 11:58 AM

logan - I had to look up "prolixity" too the first time branded used it. I was so excited I made it my first name.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at September 9, 2011 12:00 PM

Whooooo!

My brother loved the comment about Natalie Portman dating Megamind or some shit. It was hilarious.

Posted by: Candee at September 9, 2011 12:05 PM

But Mrs. Julien, if you choose the EE winners then you can't win EE! They should probably just do a post of all the comments you've made that week and call it a day.

All of these are certainly hilarious though. Congrats admin, though I feel pretty positive that you've won at least one of these things before so this isn't your first time at the rodeo. I felt kind of bad after I laughed at your comment so I feel like it gets bonus points for that.

Posted by: becks at September 9, 2011 12:10 PM

Fuck yes. Love love LOVE that EE is back and that Julien is in charge of it. There are none more eloquent than she.

Posted by: superasente at September 9, 2011 12:12 PM

It's too bad we can't include comments from the film reviews. I got pretty obnoxious over on the Warrior review and helen gave me a well-deserved bitch slap I was going to include in EE next week.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at September 9, 2011 12:21 PM

I was so excited I made it my first name.

I believe that the scientific term for that is "having a pleonasm".

Posted by: branded at September 9, 2011 12:26 PM

Fuck. Now I gotta try and be funny again? Fire up the unicorn-o-tron and get the punstinator a rolling. I've got eloquence to spout out again.

Posted by: Robert at September 9, 2011 12:37 PM

Hooray for EE! Mrs. Julien is the finest of choices to pick these out, too.

Posted by: Paultera at September 9, 2011 12:37 PM

Man that last one was just tasteless. Someone should ban that ignorant asshole.

Posted by: admin at September 9, 2011 12:38 PM

i took over EE duties ONE TIME and it nearly broke me reading EVERY COMMENT EVER.

bravo!
(did you ever know that your my hero?)

Posted by: gp at September 9, 2011 12:42 PM

No film review comments? This contest is biased against me. 80% of my ranked comments were on film reviews and they managed contributed to the discussion. Now what do I do with my film review limericks and haiku sequences? Try to pay for movie tickets with them? Because they're definitely not valid tender.

Posted by: Robert at September 9, 2011 12:45 PM

Okay, I won once under Prisco and once under Figgy, so guess what my mission is, PJ(s)?

Posted by: Cindy at September 9, 2011 12:59 PM

Hmm, what about if EE's could be chosen from the film reviews but only if they are pertinent to the review itself? This could discourage off-topic nonsense but reward thoughtful film commentary (or hilarious film commentary).

Would that perhaps accomplish the same end without excluding some potentially EE-worthy comments?

Posted by: becks at September 9, 2011 1:05 PM

YES! EE IS BACK!!

Posted by: KatSings at September 9, 2011 1:05 PM

Yay! The return of EE! I think having some time away from them will help us to appreciate them that much more.

And I agree that Mrs. Julien is a perfect choice.

Posted by: tamatha at September 9, 2011 1:07 PM

So happy to see the return of EE: The Quirkening.
I love the site and the content, but I also love the crazy cats who populate it.
That's what makes it a community and a cut above other sites.
Like having good and trusted chums to snark along with to a deserving movie.
Hooray and good luck with your brain space, reading all the Funny.

Posted by: Odnon. at September 9, 2011 1:09 PM

Then one day, EE came back to Pajiba and there was much rejoicing in the most annoying ways possible...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBbD9KX5nns

Posted by: bleujayone at September 9, 2011 1:39 PM

Mrs. J., I think Prolixity sounds like a graduate of Hogwarts. I think her full name would be something like Prolixity Throck-Morton. Something hyphenated anyway.

Posted by: logan at September 9, 2011 1:39 PM

So Mrs. J, what kind of bribes welcoming gifts do prefer?

Posted by: jM at September 9, 2011 1:49 PM

Mrs. J. is immune to bribes Sir! Her honesty, dedication to equality and fairness is unimpeachable. Her honesty is only exceeded by her beauty and that is only exceeded by her wit and wisdom.

Posted by: logan at September 9, 2011 1:56 PM

Rowles, people in the world pay me for my ideas. Once again you’ve gone against what I preach. With all due respect, women do not have a sense of humor. Women have never understood the genius of the “Three Stooges,” nor will they ever. Women don’t understand the genius of a well placed fart. Women don’t understand the comedic gold of a drunken guy pissing on himself. Before anyone says anything, I love women; I dated this woman for a while that could make a stove top full on pots and pans sing like nobody’s business. I don’t have anything against Lady Julien, I think she’s a lovely lady, she’s warm and intelligent. But enough with the low rent Erma Bombeck routine.

Posted by: Pookie at September 9, 2011 1:57 PM

OH MY GOD THIS IS THE BEST FRIDAY EVER.

I love you, Mrs. J. You're perfect for EE.

Also, holla RobP! "Lichtensteins and banjo strings" is now in my permanent lexicon.

Posted by: MM at September 9, 2011 2:03 PM

Yay. Eloquent Eloquence does weird shit to my ego.

Posted by: Lucas at September 9, 2011 2:03 PM

Well, jM the only gift I really need is to know that someone really, genuinely loves pandas and would care for them gently and respectfully.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at September 9, 2011 2:06 PM

If Pajiba is a bowl of cherries, Pookie is the pits.

Posted by: Low Rent Erma Bombeck at September 9, 2011 2:09 PM

Also, I clearly didn't read the thread that rio's comment came from, but that is pure gold.

Posted by: MM at September 9, 2011 2:10 PM

so the comment threads on movie reviews are out of bounds? This from a website that is primarily a movie review site. Ol' Dustin's been straining his noggin again.

Posted by: idleprimate at September 9, 2011 2:12 PM

IDLEPRIMATE - I believe the reasoning is that this is a SERIOUS movie review site. So posting humorous comments from movie reviews would promote MORE humorous comments and this a SERIOUS movie website. I mean some jerk might make fun of "Almost Famous"!

Posted by: logan at September 9, 2011 2:17 PM

I thought the "Low rent Erma Bombeck" line was kinda funny.


That fucking Rick Perry, he's a fucking monster. I can see him now, someone in the audience asks him about the death penalty. And he says quietly in that annoying Texas drawl, “Don’t mess with Texas.” He opens his hand, drops the mike, and walks off stage.

Posted by: Pookie at September 9, 2011 2:26 PM

so the comment threads on movie reviews are out of bounds? This from a website that is primarily a movie review site. Ol' Dustin's been straining his noggin again.

Yes, clearly the (max) FIVE movie reviews the site publishes per week outweigh the 45 other posts. Show some bloody deference for the reviewers, you ungrateful, maggot-infested darlings.

Sh*t, I tried to do a TK thing and it went off the rails.

Posted by: Joanna Robinson at September 9, 2011 2:30 PM

EE: In My Pants!!!

Thank you Mrs. Julien. This made me very happy, and I'm not even in the list.

Oh, and I still love the Torquemada comment from yesterday.

Posted by: BWeaves at September 9, 2011 2:33 PM

Yeah! Movie reviewin is a serious business! No jocularity allowed.

Posted by: logan at September 9, 2011 2:33 PM

Oh frabjuous day! Calloo! Callay!

He chortled in his joy.

Posted by: , at September 9, 2011 2:55 PM

Aw, logan, have all the jocular fun you want, just know that if it's in a review, it probably won't be eligible for EE. Besides, I imagine that removing those comments from candidacy makes searching for the week's best puts that much less strain on the ol' sanity bridge.

Posted by: RobP at September 9, 2011 2:58 PM

Oh yaaaay! The mutual admiration society/popularity contest is back! But I guess you have to have something to keep the kids happy.

Posted by: brite at September 9, 2011 3:00 PM

Word.

Posted by: Low Rent Erma Bombeck at September 9, 2011 3:00 PM

Oops. My pseudonym is showing!

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at September 9, 2011 3:03 PM

Nope I'm keepin my jocularity to its prescribed place. I mean why waste it?

Posted by: logan at September 9, 2011 3:07 PM

Oh, for fuck's sake.

I'll reiterate my stance on the whole reviews/comments thing, since some folks haven't been here for as long: We aim to entertain and we aim to amuse, for sure. However, folks sometimes get a little... overzealous in their efforts to out-funny each other. That's totally fine, except that the reviewers put some pretty hard work into writing reviews, and sometimes it's a little frustrating when the comments descend into off-topic games of one-upmanship.

That's not saying you stupid mutts can't be funny in reviews, it's not even saying you can't be off-topic. But it won't be eligible for EE, is all.

So quit your fucking complaining, for Christ's sake. You've got a big-ass playground to fuck around in, and you get pretty much free rein.

Whining fucking maggots.

Posted by: TK at September 9, 2011 4:03 PM

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! I knew it!

Posted by: logan at September 9, 2011 4:25 PM

I enjoy EE, but it does stress me out hoping and wishing that I could be witty enough to make the cut.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at September 9, 2011 4:53 PM

Well said, TK.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at September 9, 2011 4:59 PM

Excellent. Just excellent.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at September 9, 2011 5:02 PM

I actually really like the new EE rule, and I'm happy to see it back to elevate the discourse.

Posted by: AmbroseKalifornia at September 9, 2011 5:11 PM

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEe..........


Wait, I NEVER won any of these the last time.

(puts excitement back in its bag)

Posted by: frank_247 at September 9, 2011 5:44 PM

“I enjoy EE, but it does stress me out hoping and wishing that I could be witty enough to make the cut.”

Posted by: DarthCorleone at September 9, 2011 4:53 PM


It isn’t hard at all to win one of these things DC, I won a couple of times and also had a few top 10’s, not trying to blow my own horn. But when I had my run it was during pajiba’s golden age. When the mission statement of pajiba was all about elevating the top talent. Sadly the EE has become political, now you have people pushing their agendas. For a time pajiba was like old Rome, laws were adhered to, the patriarchal system was followed. See DC let me explain something to you, out in the woods you have the buck and you have the doe, the doe backs up to the buck. The buck doesn’t back up to the doe, I was raised in a patriarchal system, not in a matriarchal system. Somewhere along the way EE lost sight of its purpose, it happens when agendas become larger than the organization. The true nature of anything can only be found in its unforced actions, minus outside stimuli. Agendas are forced actions, agendas are the antithesis of natural order.

Posted by: Pookie at September 9, 2011 7:03 PM

wow, TK, were you really just whining about how hard you work and why can't we give you the respect you deserve?

well, i suppose it is an entertainment blog covering many diverting things. pretty weighty stuff.

goldarn it, you have won me over with your empassioned plea. I will try and comport myself with the proper dignity and consideration when attending a movie review.

Posted by: idleprimate at September 9, 2011 7:05 PM

Is there any retro-EE going on? Mrs. Julien nominated my haiku for EE the exact time that EE was canceled. Should I take it personally?

Posted by: Shonda at September 9, 2011 8:33 PM

I won the EE once. It was a spectacular moment of triumph that I am forever reliving. I even told my husband a few days ago, "I'm not sure if you remember but I won the EE once. I'm... kind of a big deal." To which he replied "You have spinach in your teeth."

Also, after winning EE I went from approximately 70 friends on Facebook to 254... all glorious, beautiful, wonderful Pajibans. Hurrah!

Posted by: Kelly at September 9, 2011 9:58 PM

I am humbled and honored to picked for the inaugural edition of the new EE. Please commit my comment to memory as I'm sure it will become one of the passwords to board the Murdertank.

Also,everyone should know there's only two ways to rejoice, and inexplicably both are British:

Classic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enSYlCEz5VI

Modern: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7Ai2BpRX0M

Posted by: Three-nineteen at September 9, 2011 10:41 PM

Winning the EE is kinda like being a child star, if you don't continue the success into your adulthood, you'll end up as some twentysomething year old sucking cock for rent money.

Posted by: Pookie at September 9, 2011 10:45 PM

I'm STILL laughing from Skitz's

well played sir.

Posted by: Alex00 at September 10, 2011 4:07 AM

Pookie's right. I've used my entries to politicize the anti-unicorn orgy movement on more than one occasion. It'll be a cold day in hell before I recognize a mythical beast's rights to get with more than one partner at the same time.

Posted by: Robert at September 10, 2011 2:46 PM

What I really want to know is: a) Has Mrs. J published a book because I would pay real money for it, as opposed to waiting for the grainy bootleg version; b) If so, pray tell, what is/are the title(s) of said book(s); c) If not, well, WHY?

In the event that answer C is closest to the truth, then perhaps we should have some volunteers from the audience (myself included) to start a publishing company a la Erica Strange and Julianne Giacamelli to see that Mrs. J finds her rightful spot nestled firmly at the top of the NYTimes bestseller list.

Now, on to fun titles for Mrs. J's books... Sadly, The Joy of Lex is already taken by a much less-deserving hack.

Posted by: Stinky at September 10, 2011 4:08 PM

Stinky,

You do know I didn't write any of those comments, right? If you did know, let me compliment you on some particularly impressive pandering.

Mrs. Julien

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at September 10, 2011 8:20 PM

Hiss. WTF????

Posted by: Stinky at September 10, 2011 9:42 PM

The REAL Mrs. Julien would never double-sign a posting. I can smell a RAT from a mile away! You.... You... what EVER you are! There! You!

Posted by: Stinky at September 10, 2011 9:57 PM

Of COURSE, I wouldn't, my darling! Evil lurks amongst us.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at September 10, 2011 10:03 PM

D.R., I SAW how long it took that last comment to pass "muster."

Posted by: EvilGenie at September 10, 2011 10:09 PM

I totally double-signed the post.

Hiss? I'm confused.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at September 10, 2011 10:40 PM

I never say darling though. That one wasn't me.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at September 10, 2011 10:43 PM

No way! The last three comments are NOT you! In fact, it's past your bedtime.

Posted by: Stinky at September 10, 2011 10:49 PM

Excuse me, I'm looking for Jesus. I was told I could find him ...oh, Silver?

Michele Bachmann mentioned... right... gold. Yes. We were set for gold, but silver's OK.

So, um, whad'ya say? Deal? Shake on it?

Posted by: Judas at September 10, 2011 11:30 PM

^. . Background: I'm applying for an MFA in creative writing program, and I've never taken a creative writing course. Most of my creative writing knowledge comes from research I did on my own. I'm wondering if during my research I at least learned the basics of creative writing, or if I really do need to take a course before starting the program? What do you think? I know most of the literary elements and how they can be implemented, though I can't say that I implement them well..

Posted by: rfofl at September 12, 2011 4:01 AM

EEs? Shit. Guess I should dust off the old keyboard.

Posted by: coryo at September 13, 2011 12:11 AM