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Eloquent Eloquence: About that "Downton Abbey" Porn Title

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | June 15, 2012 | Comments ()


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Eloquent Eloquence is a compilation of the ten best comments of the week. Comments in reviews are not eligible for inclusion.

There is a link in the commenter's name that will take you to the original post.

  • The They Still Make Chiclets? Comment of the Week goes to TheOriginalMRod. The cocaine is free, the gum will cost you:

    You really shouldn't be expected to walk on stilts when you live on a diet of Chick-lets and cocaine.

  • The Does This Count as Poe's Law? Comment of the Week goes to KatSings on the tough choice in choosing between Neil Patrick Harris and Ellen Degeneres as the most likable gay person:

    THIS IS LIKE SOPHIE'S CHOICE! Gay Sophie's Choice. It's the most Fabulous Choice there is.

  • The Exactly, People. That's What I'm Talking About Comment Goes to dahlia6 for understanding the difference between fartsucker and racist humor.

    Here's perhaps a big load of naivety, but here you go. Why do we have to say mean and hurtful things like this? I'm not advocating a namby-pamby approach to all conversation, mind you. Asshole is one of my favorite words. My nickname for my dad is 'that asshole' or 'that son of a bitch' depending on my mood. But seriously, what does calling someone a 'nappy headed ho' bring to the conversation? If communication has a transfer of benefits relationship to the people conversing, what does this add? Why is racism considered funny? I'll call someone an asshole, a raging cockface, or a fartsucker all day long, but I honestly don't understand why calling someone the n-word, or making fun of their race/gender/sexual orientation is considered to be a funny thing.

    And for what its worth, I grew up in the asshole of eastern Kentucky, the boil on the wart of the hemmoroid of the anus of the world. And I never found racism funny.

    Calling someone a raging fartsucker, however, is hilarious.

  • The Debate of Real Versus Fictional Breasts Continues Comment of the Week goes to Bert_the_Pajibian, but I'm pretty sure he's still lazy:

    I'm not lazy, the problem is that the books only TALK about boobs.

  • The No Comment Comment of the Week goes to Slash:

    RE "This woman on the treadmill next to me would rather be at home rubbing her cooter."

    You can probably safely assume that about all the women at the gym.

    The Bitch Slap Comment of the Week goes to BiblioGlow. Well-played, sir or madam:

    Well it'd be weirder if he only misspelled it half the time, wouldn't it? Misspelling it the entire time means he was simply mistaken (and, therefore, deserves to die engulfed in flames for the crime of Being Less Than Perfect on the Internet. Or so we can infer from your comment). Misspelling it half the time would imply that he simply got so distracted during the article that he stopped paying attention. There'd have to be something pretty damn distracting in an article for that to happen...

  • The This One Goes Out to the ESL Teachers Comment of the Week goes to Nick D'Angelo. Let's make a cloze exercise out of it:

    "The Penis/Vagina Cobras"

    I don't know whether to start a band, or a street gang in a country where English is a second language

  • The Do You Think the Vagina Cobras Could Take Calculus Ninjas in a Fight? Comment of the Week goes to bleujayone. Start filling the pool with water, I'll go get 73 boxes Jello:

    "Yeah. Sir Isaac Newton: Action Hero. Obviously."

    -- Really, Rob Cohen. What, does ole Sir Issac wield an arsenal of deadly trick apples? Does he partner up with Blaise Pascal, I'll wager? Do they fight off hoards of Calculus Ninjas? Will they be in search of the Archimedes Heat Ray before it falls into the hands of the evil mastermind René Descartes?

    Can he rescue Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz from the vile clutches of the Red Ink Cult & Coin Co. before marks are due at University of Cambridge? And what are the odds that everything I just pulled out of my ass is tenfold more awesome than anything that Rob Cohen produces?

    Find out soon in a theater near you!!!!

  • The It's Math AND Douchery All in One Delicious Equation Comment of the Week goes to Miss Laaw-yuhr. Your comment is verbal napalm, baby.

    Ah, the sweet nectar of hypocrisy. If I were to reduce this to a matchemtical formula:

    [John (Your body is a wonderland + JLoHew) (Shadow days + Jennifer Anniston) Mayer + racist penis] / [Taylor (Sparkle Guitar) Swift + Dear John = John Mayer TEARS

    Yeah, ok, I'm not really good at math, it's just that his douchery is such that I have an almost irrepressible urge to slap him in a dramatic, old world fashion - possibly with gloves in my hand.

  • The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to AudioSuede who has a new career ahead of him:

    "DOWNFIST ABBEY!" -- Porn director who's been trying ALL DAY to think of a good porn parody for Downton Abbey.



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  • Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


    • SaBrina

      Downward Dog Abbey (yoga-themed porn)
      Down-a-Ton of Cock Abbey
      Downton Arsey
      Blown-peen Abbey
      Downpoon Abbey
      Poonhound Abbey
      Bonerton Abbey
      Dongton Abbey
      Down-the-Pole Abbey
      Bangton Abbey

      Come on, porn directors. That list took me 5 minutes. I expect more out of you. (THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.)

    • DocDoom

      Not that I was ever considered "in the running" for EE, but now I never CAN be. And "up-vote"? What the hell does that even MEAN?

      Sucks to your assmar, Pajiba. Sucks. To. Your. Ass. MAR.

    • TheOriginalMRod

      It could also be a diet of Skittles and vodka.

    • BiblioGlow

      I got a Bitch Slap Eloquent Eloquence from Pajiba? A site famous for its bitchy people?
      "presses lips together, look up, fans face*
      You guys!
      Also, I am both a lady and a bitch.

    • kirbyjay

      I want to know why your brackets are cousins. I thought brackets were siblings and therefore the bracket without a sibling is an only child.

    • Morgan_LaFai

      Congratulations Dahlia6 on making the list, but I think your final sentence negates your most eloquent point. A "raging fartsucker" is indeed a derogatory term used to describe male homosexuals. The rest though, that was spot on.

    • dahlia6

      Really? I honestly had never heard that before. I thought it was something I'd made up during a hangover. I shall amend my wayward vocabulary right now. I apologize to anyone offended, but I'm also kind of excited, because I get to make up new profanity. Its a hobby I enjoy. What can I say, there's not really a lot to do around here.

    • Morgan_LaFai

      I could have sworn I heard it but maybe I am wrong. Anything that even tangentially connects ass to a mouth is usually a derogatory term to male homosexuals. But at least it gives you the excuse to makeup new swear words.

    • DocDoom

      Dahl, that can't REALLY be a thing. Don't apologize.

    • Caaro3

      If this represents the ten best, that's just very sad.

    • dahlia6

      Today is the day I realized I'm proud to live in a world where some people understand the awesomeness of the word fartsucker. I'm getting misty over here. Look away, please. It's just allergies.

    • DocDoom

      Or, you just smelled a fart.

    • dahlia6

      I work in construction, so its entirely possible.

    • L.O.V.E.

      Nothing from Jezzer? He killed it this week.

    • King Of Sweden

      F-ck...I meant to answer AudioSuede
      My bad

    • King Of Sweden

      Sadly the bracket thingie debacle was my first thought...
      I shouldn´t be allowed to read about popculture anymore.
      Awesome comment though, I realised after awhile

    • KatSings

      Yay! The gays got me on EE! I've always said you just need more gays in your life to succeed. PROVEN.

    • Down Jizz Alley.

    • chrisahl

      With the handy new comment system, can't we tell what the most liked comment of the week was? With data and shit?

    • pajiba

      Do you trust computers to call balls and strikes in baseball? EXACTLY.

    • DocDoom

      Yes,I do. You just Jim Joyced the comment system.

    • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

      How the hell is Skynet ever going to come to be if you keep trying to keep the electronic man down?

    • Laurie Lolo Oatsvall Hutson

      We can't have Skynet. Till we get Demolition Man.

    • Sara_Tonin00

      Everytime I see your little accompanying photo with its S of flesh it creeps me out. So...job well done? Stupid Showgirls

    • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

      Surely I never intended that to be its purpose.

    • AudioSuede

      Also, at least partial credit on the "downfist" comment belongs to emmelemm for using the word "downfist" to describe the down votes that were rampant on that particular comment thread. If that could be added to the Pajiba dictionary, we've done our duty.

    • emmelemm

      Awwww! There's another commenting system where instead of ^ and the opposite, there are upfists and downfists. (Really, thumbs up and thumbs down.) Hence, one can call it "downfisting".

    • DocDoom

      When are we getting a straight porn title post? "Schindler's Fist"? "Big Trouble in Little Vagina"? COME ON! We need this.

    • Second.

    • Ender

      "
      [John (Your body is a wonderland + JLoHew) (Shadow days + Jennifer
      Anniston) Mayer + racist penis] / [Taylor (Sparkle Guitar) Swift + Dear
      John = John Mayer TEARS"

      I love it. What a douche :p

    • AudioSuede

      He didn't close the second bracket! *pushes up glasses, runs away from everything ever*

    • Miss Laaw-yuhr

      Alas, I know I didn't close the bracket, and I also spelled "mathematical" incorrectly. Sometimes the fingers are faster than the brain. Damn you typos, damn you!

    • Scallops

      And here I thought "matchemtical" was your clever amalgamation of match .com, mathematics and chemistry (the complex science explaining some of those relationships).

    • Right. A few years back, before I quit my ridiculous astrophysics degree, I was sitting in a quantum physics lecture, and the professor opened a bracket. He then opened another one, and then several more. All the brackets ended up getting a closing cousin, except for the first. The board slowly filled up with brackets and equations, while all around me everyone focused on scribbling down notes and desperately trying to ignore my intensifying protests of: 'But he didn't close that first bracket...'; 'Have you noticed? That first bracket is still open!'; 'Why isn't he closing that first bracket?!'; 'If he doesn't close that first bracket then everything subsequently written on this board, EVEN IF IT'S A FUCKING ENGLISH LITERATURE LECTURE, will be inside this quantum bracket pair!!!'
      So pretty soon after that I quit. But this is just so you all know that there is an ever-expanding Infinity Bracket slowly gorging itself on the Universe somewhere in Central London. So, you're been warned.

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