Eloquent Eloquence: 13 Things Better than Scarlett Johansson in The Avengers
Oh, no you don't. I see what you're doing. I'm not wasting my vote on someone who's been maneuvered out of contention. First you leave Monica Bellucci out of the hall of fame & double-list Alison Brie. Now there's shilling for Carla Gugino once it's too late.
I call shenanigans, tampered ballots, stuffed boxes and hanging chads. Also, bias and tomfoolery. (Why these all sound kinda dirty?)
This post and others like it are *cover* for your well-established and unjustified distain for the spectacular Ms. Gugino. You promote her when it's too late. How do I know? You won't review Judas Kiss . BTW, what the hell happened to under-appreciated gems? Judas Kiss would be perfect. Oh wait. Now I get it. You killed under-appreciated gems just to stiff Carla Gugino. IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!
• The Mine is a Cleansing and Carefully Sequenced Umbrage Comment of the Week goes to Figgy She is biased.
Besides CGI-Hulk, Johansson was the best part of The Avengers.
What is WRONG with you? I can't even with that sentence. I just can't. I mean, she was fine. Just fine. But she ranks well below everything else that was awesome about that movie.
2. Thor's arms
4. Thor's hair
5. Captain America
6. Thor's left thigh
7. Clark Gregg fuck yeah
8. Iron Man
9. Thor's right thigh
10. Samuel L Jackson
11. Thor's voice
13. That one shot of Thor's ass, yes it was there
14. Scarlett Johansson
15. Gwyneth's cut-offs
I mean, COME ON.
• The It Doesn't Rhyme with Vagina Comment of the Week goes to Kip Hackman who is otherwise en pointe:
Pajiba is the internet version of that restaurant where the cooks and servers shout insults and profanities at the paying customers and then give them delicious food. Except Pajiba is free and has a name that is easy to mispronounce. Am I the only one that wishes the tag was just "It rhymes with vagina"? Probably.
• The Sometimes I Include Them Despite My Confusion Comment of the Week goes to zeke_the_pig. I am given to understand that it's very clever.
Put Liam Neeson up against an ancient martial arts master called Heihachi Mishima and whadya get?
Well, I'm off.
• The Have You Met Maguita NYC? Comment of the Week goes to, well, Maguita NYC for entering the fray with a bang:
So Rule #4, whatever any of the authors will put up there, it will be heavily criticized, and no one would be happy with the author's assessments. Ever.
I can definitely get down with this! The site I usually exalt my snark on, had no sense of humor whatsoever, and one of the writers is a crazed, intolerant brangeloonie.
• The Babies and The Wire Together at Last Comment of the Week goes to schrome who thought that sheee-it didn't quite cover it.
How about diapers that say "I keeps one in the chamber, in case you ponderin."
• The Derelicte Is So Hot Right Now Comment of the Week goes to TheOriginalMRod for the best Macaulay Culkin oeuvre pun:
Maybe it should be Homeless Alone
• The So, That Happened Comment of the Week goes to Doctor Controversy . Extraordinary rendition, indeed.
And my complete inability to prevent "Step Up 8" will not only lose me my Presidential reelection bid in 2020, but will also put me in front of the U.N. as I will be tried for war crimes against humanity. I will, however, escape my sentence of "extraordinary rendition to Mitt Romney's compound" by making sure none of this ever happens via time travel.
What was I just talking about? Ooh! Step Up 8! What's the worst that could happen?
• The I Daresay You Speak for Many of Us Comment of the Week goes to Puddin. Someone provided the link, too. We're not so bad:
This is when the analysis of pop culture loses me. I will debate the Renee Walker era or Zooey Deschanel's bangs for hours, but don't seriously get into a pissing contest with me because I watch my tv shows on Netflix. It's a tv show. A. TV. Show. It's the white noise that helps me forget the real problems I have going on in my life. I watch Breaking Bad [correction--I mainline Breaking Bad] because it makes me forget that I'm in a low-paying job, that I can't get pregnant, and that life isnt turning out the way I thought. I have enough people in my real life telling me all about the things I do wrong every day. Don't bring that bullshit into my little pop culture fantasy world I created for myself. Especially from someone who gets FUCKING PAID to think about this shit. Does this nerd even realize how damn privileged he is?
Now someone post a gif of Sam Rockwell dancing before I start crying.
• The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to kirbyjay because going off one's meds is a mistake AND an opportunity:
Why does Kirk moon people on remote planets? Can they even see him? And are there people on remote planets? I thought they were aliens. Does everyone have remotes on these planets and do they lose them like actual people? If an alien on a remote planet breaks the law, are their remotes revoked. Do they then have to manually change the channels? Do they have actual men to do this? And why is he boning aliens? Wouldn't he de-bone them. It would make them easier to eat. Do they taste like chicken? Why doesn't he just moon the moon?
Oh....maroon....like red? The remote planet must be Mars. Is Mars full of boneless aliens searching for the remotes having to divert their giant eyes from faded tv star ass. No wonder Mars is so angry.