Eloquent Eloquence: 13 Things Better than Scarlett Johansson in The Avengers

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Eloquent Eloquence: 13 Things Better than Scarlett Johansson in The Avengers

By Mrs. Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | July 13, 2012 | Comments ()


Eloquent Eloquence is a compilation of the ten best comments of the week. Comments in reviews are not eligible for inclusion.

There is a link in the commenter's name that will take you to the original post.

The And Another Thing... Comment of the Week goes to BierceAmbrose who picked up pretty much exactly where he left off last time:

Oh, no you don't. I see what you're doing. I'm not wasting my vote on someone who's been maneuvered out of contention. First you leave Monica Bellucci out of the hall of fame & double-list Alison Brie. Now there's shilling for Carla Gugino once it's too late.

I call shenanigans, tampered ballots, stuffed boxes and hanging chads. Also, bias and tomfoolery. (Why these all sound kinda dirty?)

This post and others like it are *cover* for your well-established and unjustified distain for the spectacular Ms. Gugino. You promote her when it's too late. How do I know? You won't review Judas Kiss . BTW, what the hell happened to under-appreciated gems? Judas Kiss would be perfect. Oh wait. Now I get it. You killed under-appreciated gems just to stiff Carla Gugino. IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!

The Mine is a Cleansing and Carefully Sequenced Umbrage Comment of the Week goes to Figgy She is biased.

Besides CGI-Hulk, Johansson was the best part of The Avengers.

What is WRONG with you? I can't even with that sentence. I just can't. I mean, she was fine. Just fine. But she ranks well below everything else that was awesome about that movie.

1. Hulk
2. Thor's arms
3. Loki
4. Thor's hair
5. Captain America
6. Thor's left thigh
7. Clark Gregg fuck yeah
8. Iron Man
9. Thor's right thigh
10. Samuel L Jackson
11. Thor's voice
12. Hawkeye
13. That one shot of Thor's ass, yes it was there
14. Scarlett Johansson
15. Gwyneth's cut-offs

I mean, COME ON.

The It Doesn't Rhyme with Vagina Comment of the Week goes to Kip Hackman who is otherwise en pointe:

Pajiba is the internet version of that restaurant where the cooks and servers shout insults and profanities at the paying customers and then give them delicious food. Except Pajiba is free and has a name that is easy to mispronounce. Am I the only one that wishes the tag was just "It rhymes with vagina"? Probably.

The Sometimes I Include Them Despite My Confusion Comment of the Week goes to zeke_the_pig. I am given to understand that it's very clever.

Put Liam Neeson up against an ancient martial arts master called Heihachi Mishima and whadya get?
Well, I'm off.

The Have You Met Maguita NYC? Comment of the Week goes to, well, Maguita NYC for entering the fray with a bang:

So Rule #4, whatever any of the authors will put up there, it will be heavily criticized, and no one would be happy with the author's assessments. Ever.

I can definitely get down with this! The site I usually exalt my snark on, had no sense of humor whatsoever, and one of the writers is a crazed, intolerant brangeloonie.

The Babies and The Wire Together at Last Comment of the Week goes to schrome who thought that sheee-it didn't quite cover it.

How about diapers that say "I keeps one in the chamber, in case you ponderin."

The Derelicte Is So Hot Right Now Comment of the Week goes to TheOriginalMRod for the best Macaulay Culkin oeuvre pun:

Maybe it should be Homeless Alone

The So, That Happened Comment of the Week goes to Doctor Controversy . Extraordinary rendition, indeed.

And my complete inability to prevent "Step Up 8" will not only lose me my Presidential reelection bid in 2020, but will also put me in front of the U.N. as I will be tried for war crimes against humanity. I will, however, escape my sentence of "extraordinary rendition to Mitt Romney's compound" by making sure none of this ever happens via time travel.

What was I just talking about? Ooh! Step Up 8! What's the worst that could happen?

The I Daresay You Speak for Many of Us Comment of the Week goes to Puddin. Someone provided the link, too. We're not so bad:

This is when the analysis of pop culture loses me. I will debate the Renee Walker era or Zooey Deschanel's bangs for hours, but don't seriously get into a pissing contest with me because I watch my tv shows on Netflix. It's a tv show. A. TV. Show. It's the white noise that helps me forget the real problems I have going on in my life. I watch Breaking Bad [correction--I mainline Breaking Bad] because it makes me forget that I'm in a low-paying job, that I can't get pregnant, and that life isnt turning out the way I thought. I have enough people in my real life telling me all about the things I do wrong every day. Don't bring that bullshit into my little pop culture fantasy world I created for myself. Especially from someone who gets FUCKING PAID to think about this shit. Does this nerd even realize how damn privileged he is?

Now someone post a gif of Sam Rockwell dancing before I start crying.

The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to kirbyjay because going off one's meds is a mistake AND an opportunity:

Why does Kirk moon people on remote planets? Can they even see him? And are there people on remote planets? I thought they were aliens. Does everyone have remotes on these planets and do they lose them like actual people? If an alien on a remote planet breaks the law, are their remotes revoked. Do they then have to manually change the channels? Do they have actual men to do this? And why is he boning aliens? Wouldn't he de-bone them. It would make them easier to eat. Do they taste like chicken? Why doesn't he just moon the moon?

Oh....maroon....like red? The remote planet must be Mars. Is Mars full of boneless aliens searching for the remotes having to divert their giant eyes from faded tv star ass. No wonder Mars is so angry.

In Pictures: Joss Whedon Hangs Out with the Unwashed Geek Masses | Wherein I Nightmare Cast A Firefly Reboot That Would Make Even Reavers Give Up The Black

Are you following Pajiba on Facebook or Twitter? Every time you do, Bill Murray crashes a wedding.

Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • SWEEEEEET. I thought about that comment (and Thor) long and hard.

  • schrome

    This is the second time I've made EE while including a poop joke. Thanks everybody!

  • Frank_247

    (can I get a drumroll?)


    Ladies, and Gentlemen, Frank_247 can finally comment from his work computer!!

    (commence cheering!)

  • puddin

    Just keeping it real, yo. **fist bumps**

  • Irina

    Figgy, you just gave me an excuse to watch Avengers again. Now where is that shot of Thor's ass again?

  • Uuh. I might have been making that up? I don't know, just watch Thor CONSTANTLY. I'm sure he turns around at some point.

  • Bob Barker

    I always thought it pajiba had a puh-g-baa sound, not a vagina sound to it.

  • blacksred

    what is the sound of a vagina?

  • Maguita NYC


  • Kip Hackman

    I'm still going to pronounce it that way because it's gone on too long to go back now. And I know it doesn't technically rhyme with vagina, but I used "rhymes with" rather than "sounds like" because 1) I think it's catchier; 2) downvotes and negative comments mean less than nothing to me; and 3) because I wanted to see how long it would take for someone to point out that it doesn't technically rhyme. Which surprised me because it was actually like a day later and not almost immediately.

  • Maguita NYC

    Well, I guess I've been through my history lesson backwards. I've decided to sift through the site some more, and found this in Overlords/About:

    "... we would like you to know that it is pronounced like a part of the female anatomy, if you have a bit of a cold, which makes it an awfully enjoyable word to say (try it, out loud, in your cubicle). Any other pronunciation makes us bristle, hack, and contort our faces in very unpleasant ways, particularly those pronunciations that involve long e’s. Please do not pronounce it Pajeeba in front of the publisher; he has a felony record."

    So my deepest apology to the publisher for insisting on the Hindu pronunciation. But in all honesty, in the three or so days I've been here, your publisher seemed a bit more on the masochistic side, and his "felony record" must be something along the line of peeing in public, on school grounds after dark. I'm not overly worried, seeing how my short-Mediterranean temper makes me at time, a much scarier monster.

    On a related note, your reason #1 on your refusal to include any movie ratings system: Really? You find no cute symbols for Pajiba. Even after admitting that it sounds like vagina on a dripping nose??? And dripping is key here. Just sayin'!

    Pajiba is the blogosphere's ho-hum looking sister: The more you get to know her, the better looking she gets ... Or is that the more you drink, the better looking she gets??

  • Uriah_Creep

    She's at her best with beer goggles on. Try it.

  • ,

    I tried, but for some reason my comment didn't take.

    But I can try again:

    Words that rhyme with "vagina":

    bagina, cagina, dagina, fagina, gagina, hagina, jagina, kagina, lagina, magina, nagina, pagina, qagina, ragina, sagina, tagina, wagina, xagina, yagina, zagina

    Words that rhyme with "Pajiba":

    bajiba, cajiba, dajiba, fajiba, gajina, hajiba, jajiba, kajiba, lajiba, majiba, najiba, qajiba, rajiba, sajiba, tajiba, vajiba, wajiba, xajiba, yajiba, zajiba

    See any words that make both lists?

    I rest my case.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    You forgot the one actual word that rhymes with vagina: angina.

  • Kip Hackman

    Hey man, just because you're a chunk of punctuation that has somehow become self aware and able to work a computer, doesn't mean you can tell me how to talk/write. I mean I get that the best part of your day is throwing out little insignificant seeds of knowledge like what does and doesn't rhyme with a word that somebody made up. I used to be the same way. Then I took the stick out of my butt, calmed down a little bit, and discovered that being a grammar nazi on the internet is not a noble pursuit, it's just a slightly more highbrow kind of trolling. In addition to being an enormous waste of time and exercise in futility. But hey man, if that works for you, keep doing what makes you happy.

  • Uriah_Creep

    vagina: [vuh-jahy-nuh]
    Pajiba: [puh-jahy-buh]

    I don't know why so many people have a problem with this, so I'll just blame it on Dustin. Somehow, this is his fault.

  • ,

    You sure about the "jahy" part in Pajiba? I think it's "eye." I've never seen anyone represent it as "puh-jahy-buh" before.

    Even the Official Pajiba Dictionary doesn't give a pronunciation guide (that I could find in a quick scan), though it does mention Paheeba Day.

  • ,

    Oh, wait, I think you were joking.

    *Notes coffee cup is empty, sighs*

  • Uriah_Creep

    Well, I actually wasn't kidding. I got the "vagina" pronunciation above directly from Dictionary.com; I never use those "official" pronunciation keys, but I thought I'd get it for reference. The point is, even if you write it out as "va-jeye-na", then this site's name would be "Pa-jeye-ba", and in my universe, that's a pretty decent rhyme.

    Now I just want to stop writing "vagina".

  • SaBrinaStillHatesDisqus

    You forgot Sabrina.

  • ,

    I would never forget you or your vagina.

  • ,

    Kirbyjay channeling Adventureman?

    I miss Adventureman.

    But at least BarbadoSlim (or someone claiming to be him) showed up.

  • Maguita NYC

    I definitely agree with @Figgy's assessment of ScarJo's appropriate ranking. However, you forgot the hotness of Thor's mouth, when grandly chewing on a shawarma; That is still hotter than dame gwyny's cut-offs.

    (Figgy, one and same from CDAN?)

  • Damn, should've added his mouth.

    But nay, not the same.

  • ,

    Wait ... there's ANOTHER figgy?

    My penis is confused.

    Which one are YOU?

  • kirbyjay

    Well.........I'm somewhat perplexed and embarrassed, yet giddy at the same time. Thank you Mrs. J, Going back on the meds now.

  • Donut Plains

    Congrats MaguitaNYC! Also, I recognize you from Celebitchy. Welcome to the fold. Half the people here couldn't recognize any of Brangelina's kids in a lineup.

  • Maguita NYC

    Thank you @Donut Plains I'm really surprised...

    Someone should explain to me the correct protocol when Pajiba (pronounced vagina on a cold... and I don't mean a frigid tw-t) bequeaths one with such an honor.

    What do I do, what do I say. Is it really an honor? Or are the authors snarking at one's ridiculous "petite bourgeoise" easily-flattered ego? What would be considered a f-cking classless faux-pas?

    While waiting for enlightenment, someone asked what are the rules that were (not so always) kindly expounded upon me, during first-day orientation. Here they are, do not judge, they are not mine, they are Pajiba's:

    Rule #1, There is no hope in Pajiba. Only snark.
    Rule #2, Never ever listen to any Pajiban barking rules at you. And always comment while drinking (what, no one had specified).
    Rule #3, Always comment on the Cannonball Reads. Some mswas would apparently grandly appreciate it.
    Rule #4, Whatever writers put up, it is your job as the reader to always disagree, or at the very least, ridicule their assessment of self-professed geekdom knowledge.
    Rule #5, Apparently, TK wants you all to Fuck yourselves. I'm always more than agreeable with self-gratification.
    A big believer in the power of the number 7, I find ending any Rules for anything on someone's disabused wish to self-fuck... Is just tacky (unless you change your username to Caligula).
    So for rules 6 and 7 ..?

  • Anne At Large

    Looks good to me except for #3. Don't bag on the Cannonball Reads, you never know when you'll end up with a awesome book recommendation.

  • Maguita NYC

    I agree. That was before though mswas explained what Cannonball Reads are. 'Tis quite touching, and well worth taking time and reading the book reviews.

  • Anne Lucchesi

    Fair enough. I just hate to see the non-professional writers getting bagged on when I am benefiting from their reviews.

  • Bedewcrock

    ha! i knew it! i agree, MaguitaNYC, I agree.

  • Maguita NYC

    Agree On...? The Brangeloonie writer?
    I recognize @bedewcrock:disqus 's username, but @2abbe3f21ecc7d3e13bb078ea50bb475:disqus ...

  • Donut Plains

    I write as INeedANap on Celebitchy, albeit sporadically and in binges. Like I do my drinking. Here on Pajiba, no one has told me what to drink either, so I made the following Frankie's Fruity Fuck-You:

    4 parts Absolut DragonBerry vodka
    2 part Peach Schnapps
    2 part 99 Bananas
    1 part Simply Lemonade with Raspberry

    Put in Nalgene with ice. Shake. Drink. Comment.

  • Maguita NYC

    @2abbe3f21ecc7d3e13bb078ea50bb475:disqus just reading through made me feel morning-after gut-wrenching sickness.
    I should be drinking alka-seltzer or something. And hello INeedANap!!! Haven't seen you on CB in a while. Although I believe that I'll stick with the vagina clan more faithfully.

    Never knew how low my geek IQ was until hitting this site. I need to work on this. Pronto.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Holy fuck. I read that and my liver just punched me and said "don't even think about it."

  • Fabius_Maximus

    My liver played only second fiddle to my taste buds, because they wouldn't even bother to go on strike in case I drank that. They'd just throw down their picket signs and leave.

  • Bedewcrock

    This bit made me giggle because i feel exactly the same way about that particular site: "The site I usually exalt my snark on, had no sense of humor whatsoever, and one of the writers is a crazed, intolerant brangeloonie."

    It's quite a love/hate relationship.

  • bleujayone

    So wait, are you saying that Pajiba is the Dick's Last Resort of the internet? It could be worse, I suppose. It could've been Shakey's Pizza.

  • fair point.

  • zeke_the_pig

    'I am given to understand that it’s very clever.'
    And I'm fucking glad MRod made it in here, because Homeless Alone made me happier than passing booze to Doug Stanhope.

  • TheOriginalMRod

    Thanks. I couldn't have done it without you.

    Keep passing the booze.

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