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December 24, 2008 |

By Brian Prisco | Eloquent Eloquence | December 24, 2008 |

It’s a day early and a dollar short, but here’s the Eloquence for your XXXmas Pleasuring. So all of you who were planning on being funny today, sorry, your efforts are all for naught. Console with Jay, he’s accustomed to this feeling. Bring nog.

For all you Cannonball Read fans, we’re going to cut your chances to join starting January 2nd. This way, if and when this becomes and annual ho-hah, we’ve got a breaking point for 2008-2009. If you were hemming and hawing, unsure whether you can actually pull it off, not sure if you have the time, out of underpants, what have you — join now! Send your blog titles and combatant titles to me at priscogospel at hotmail dot com. Also, for all you people who have already joined — we do have a Facebook group. Please make sure to join it so we can assign you your rank. You too can be published on Pajiba!

So many damn movies are coming out on Jeebus’s Bibbidybirfday that are allegedly going to be Oscar contendahs. I don’t know, I’m not really all that juiced for what’s due to come out. I still haven’t seen a lot of stuff even though I live in Movie Mecca, but I’ve already seen what I want to win everything — Slumdog Millionaire. Seriously. I loved it tons.

How come there aren’t any friggin’ Ramadan carols? I need something to break up the Brenda Lee - Burl Ives maelstrom on the radiowaves.

Deck the balls on Uncle Charlie, here’s your ten. Fa ra ra ra ra racist joke!

10. You know why I know Blockbuster still exists? Because my fiance and I have been there 4 times this month just to play Guitar Hero for free… because we’re too poor for a Wii. We’ve also been loitering at Toys ‘R Us a lot. Thank goodness it’s Christmas shopping season or we’d probably have to find something else to do with our sad lives. - Melissa

9. FYI: “She” and “Fergie” never go in the same sentence. — Sofia

Unless the judicious use of quotation marks is employed, as you’ve kindly demonstrated. As in:

Fergie used to be a dude, but then “she” got the ole beard splitter snipped. — Clee Shay

8. Just once I’d like to see a queer spambot on this site. Just for kicks. — Fi

(Unfortunately, the Internet Police also passed Prop 8. Sorry, gay spambots. Keep reaching for that rainbow meme.)

7. We’ll be eating lobster pancakes and drinking Dom P straight from the bottle, we’ll spend our days sipping twelve year old Scotch, and our nights laying in bed throwing truffles at each other while Scarface is playing in the background. — Pookie

If that doesn’t make you horny, nothing will. — rikkitikkitavi

6. Ah, you’ve gotta love the irony of TMax, of all people, giving out to others for taking up valuable space (‘cause, you know, the internets might run out of bandwidths, or some such?) with useless comments, right before spinning off into the usual “I love the review SO MUCH, good god [insert reviewer name], let me fellate you” crap, ending in the now-standard cry for pity. Shouldn’t you be including a novella about how drunk you are and how much you hate your tragic life, only to end in remorseful apologies and whining? Ooh, ooh, or you could pull your other favourite trick of making up fake usernames to launch personal attacks on people you don’t like! That’s totally a more valid and valuable use of the comment space!

On a more serious note, and my personal disdain for TMax aside, I really don’t like the attitude that newcomers (or ‘outlanders’, if you want to be an utter tool about it) can’t just jump right in and say what they want when they want to, and this isn’t the first thread over the past few weeks where TMax’s sentiments have been expressed. Fine, slam the hell out of people whose contribution amounts to “F1rSt?!?one!”, but beyond that, trying to limit things down to the ‘regulars’ just sucks. It’s elitist, cliquey as all hell and it makes Pajiba a lesser place. You can be smart, funny and better than others without having to erect walls around the place to keep the ‘wrong’ people out. — Shay

(No matter what some of the comment bullies tell you, I swear I’m always on the lookout to show off new talent. There’s nothing I love more than a lurker finally breaking silence to tell us to fucketh offeth. Shit, that’s how I got started on the site. Telling one of these no-talent assclowns what time it was. And now I am a no-talent assclown being told what time it is. There’s always a better chance for a newbie to be nominated for Eloquence, because I’m just as tired of reading the same seven peoples comments as you are. Frankly, sometimes the sheer novelty of being previously unheard from will get you props. So delurk, friendlings. Share your scorn. There’s always room for one more on this short bus.)

5. You know what I like on women? Good hygiene and a vagina. Everything else is negotiable. Tall, short, fat, skinny, long hair, short hair, I just met a survivor of stage four breast cancer and not only did I want to bang her six ways from Sunday, I wanted to bang her seven ways from Sunday after I saw pictures when she was bald. Call me a man-whore if you want; I can’t hear you because I got a big girl’s thighs over my ears and she is riding my face like a goddamn bicycle. — Tracer Bullet

4. The movie doesn’t look that bad. It is a kid’s film. It looks mediocre, just like the first one. This site loves mediocre films for adults. Just look at the glaring reviews for “The Dark Knight” and “Iron Man.” Both films were mediocre action flicks, but everyone here loved them because that’s what you do with films like this. This film is the “Dark Knight” for kids.

And the State is overrated, Michael Ian Black isn’t that funny, and Robert Ben Garant and Thomas Lennon created and write Reno 911 which is better than anything else mentioned on this page. — mark

I want to see your top ten, Mark, just so I can mock you. Either for having crap taste, or being pretentious.

Actually, I don’t. I just want pie. Delicious pie. — twig

(And there twig nicely sums up how the average Pajiban feels. You show me yours, and I’ll eat a sugar dessert. And for the record, I like Night at the Museum. I own Night at the Museum. I’m not proud of this fact. But it happened, and there you are. But “The State” isn’t overrated, it’s grand. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go dip my balls in this sauce. The Pope-a is a coming for dinner!)

3. What makes a better stocking stuffer? A puppy or a baggie of heroin.

Discuss. — greer

(Can’t it be both?)

2. The Fox network is developing “Bitches,” a dramedy about a quartet of female friends in New York who are werewolves.

Meh. This is already on. It’s called The View. — Che Grovera

(I live in California, and I had a co-worker get snowed in this weekend. A few miles north of Los Angeles. A tree fell on her fucking house. Not having to shovel snow is probably the only reason I haven’t yet succumbed to a massive coronary. So for all you folks trodding through the powder to get your daily travails, a jaunty sea tune:)

1. Oh the weather outside is frightful

But this movie looks so delightful

I think I just have to go

Fuck the snow, fuck the snow, fuck the snow — heres2u


Fuck the snow indeed. Fuck it with bacon and cheese rolls. For your clever mangling of a carol, we proudly award you a Yuletide T-shirt. Please send to us a dozen non-traditionally colored candy canes, a roasted duck, and figgy pudding (the fruit not our equally savory commentress) as well as where you’d like us to send you your present. We’re having Satan Claus mailbomb it directly into your chim-chim-a-ree. Unless you celebrate something other than Christmas, because then it’s a hate crime. Fuck it, most of us are lawyers.

Tis the season for caring and sharing. Sharpen them wits over the holidays, for we have one week to make the 2008 cut. Then you’ll have to be a 2009 Eloquent, and that little curlie-cue at the end of 9 makes it look rather piggish. No one wants that taint on their records. And there will be no Eloquent of the Year. You’re all aces in my book. And by aces, I mean the Ace of Spades. And by spades, I mean black people. And by black people, I mean Barack Obama. So I guess what I’m saying is, you all my Obamas.

Here’s to feeling vagine in the old aught-9. Peace and goodwill unto ye!

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