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December 11, 2008 |

By Brian Prisco | Eloquent Eloquence | December 11, 2008 |

Guess you missed me. With every fucking rock, slander, bitchy retort, snide remark, boycott, fart joke, whine, cry, pants pissing, bullet, brick, bat and shittalk you could throw at me. I’m still standing, fuckfaces.

I missed one, ONE, fucking column, and you throw a hissyfit like Tilda Swinton finding out Macy’s ran out of penis-tucking pantyhose. Oh, did you forget how the holidays work around here? We were closed Thursday, get your fucking coffee elsewhere. Don’t think I didn’t notice though. Holidays around here are a little like walking around one of those suburban malls that still have five lonely stores left and one Auntie Anne’s. People wandering around the comments section, screaming “Hello?!” like that guy hanging out in front of Foot Locker who has just enough money to pay for a week in a boarding house.

So you got mad. I understand why. Sometimes I feel like Noah, and it’s raining fucktards, and this is the only warm place to get away from the deluge. There’s two of every kind, and enough hate and seething contempt to go around. So you come in here, and blow off a little steam. You need your daily dose of likeminded rage. You need to know you aren’t alone in the big scary mall, while the braindead masses surge around outside, scratching at the windows to get their copies of Jeff Dunham’s puppet standup and Wanted on RedRay. Sometimes you just need to yell FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCK at the top of your lungs from a staircase. I get it. You want your fifteen seconds of internet fame.

But lest you forget, you cretins, this is the motherfucking Eloquents Eloquence. It’s not just some fucking top ten list culled from whatever joke was in the Onion this morning. Those are the Random Lists, and Dustin pulls those out of his ass and uses them to plug up the holes between the reviews and internet news we burgle from better sites. This is where you get your chance to shine. This is the fucking Coliseum. This is where you come to demonstrate your bravery. There are vomitoriums for your orgies, and bacchanals for your debauchery. Here, you best damn well fight hard if you want your laurels. Did you forget that it was from this very comment section that some of the Powers That Be were culled? Ted Boynton, TK, Ranylt Richildis, Stacey Nosek, and myself. We were mortals just like you, who were called to Olympus by the Gods because of our greatness.

You don’t need someone like me giving you a number. Greatness doesn’t need a number. It just fucking is. Besides, thanks to the influx of wayward Googlers wandering in here from a search for Beyonce, we’re getting more comments like these:



umm all u guys saying beyonce did a bad job well she didn’t this is the best movie she has done and she rocks u guys are just jealous. At Last that song she didn’t pull off but the acting and the other songs she did and critics are saying she did good so eat her socks GO BEE!!



You want to dance with the Devil in the pale moonlight, you best learn the steps, bitches.

The long-awaited, ever anticipated, totally haphazard ten. Choke on it.

10. Also, what does it say about me the the 1-800-SUICIDE ad on the Passive Aggressive Notes page only moves me to correct their capitalization? — gatesong

(It’s says that like 10 percent of the Pajiban commentors, you spend your time policing grammar and spelling and fact errors. Here’s your badge and truncheon. Commence to headsmashing, noble grammarian.)

9. Dear Santa,

I feel I have been a very good boy this year. I didn’t kick that teacher in the babymaker for stealing my parking spot at work. I didn’t poke out that student’s eyes with the 1/4” to 1/8” cable adaptor when he destroyed the sound port of my Macbook. And I didn’t throw a pot of boiling water at the enraged parent who claimed my mother was the worst person in the history of the world for having the nerve to call her house since she never signed up to do anything for the fall production.

As per the naughty/nice act detailed in the holiday classic Christmas Evil, I believe I deserve a proper present for the exemplary behavior detailed above. Please deposit one Spiderwalk Sequence Exorcist Toy down my chimney wrapped, with a bow, under my tree for my discovery on Christmas morning.

Or so help me, you will be wishing that you never dropped off present one in the old country.

You’ve been warned,


PS: White chocolate macadamia nut cookies good for you this year? I figured I’d try switching it up. — Robert

(Oh, look. A Letter to Santa. I got quite a few of these this week. It’s surly, violent, and full of hate. Of course, if I had to pick a winner for the Santa movie, it’d go to bucdaddy, because his was really long. That’s if I had to pick a winner. But I don’t. So you get nothing. Unless of course, Dustin is feeling benevolent. Don’t give into the love, Dustin.)

8. A drunk party-stranger yelled at me for being “willfully obscure and exclusionary.” — firedmyass

(This phrase should be the new catchphrase for Pajiba Music. Because it’s written by two of my dearest friends in the world — who I can assure are not the same person. Cause then Stacey’s having lots of exhaustive sex with the many faces of TK, and that would officially make the Pajiban Family Tree into a wreath. Which is appropriate for the holidays.)

7. Facts About Women For Network Executives

We hate sports.

We love shoes.

We hate to give blow jobs.

We love to nag.

We hate action movies.

We love romantic comedies. (Oh that Kate Hudson is so spunky!)

We’re offended by comments of a sexual nature.

We never curse.

Now take that list, reverse every statement, and make a show about women like me and my girlfriends before I anally invade you with my dvd of Die Hard and garrote you with my football jersey. — Julie

(They did, Jules. It’s called The Sweetest Thing, and it was a terrible movie. A terrible, terrible, shit-filled swan of a movie. Oh, look, I put another quote up from Julie. I guess I’m obsessed with her now, too. It has nothing to do with having to essentially put a bell curve on quotes from the Paheeba ladies because they’re the only ones coming with the funny. Of course, they account for about 65% of the comments on the site. And 55% of them are usually about their boobs. Which then prompted this gem.)

6. I think its hilarious that the point of this entire review is to put down a show that relies on gender sterotypes and the unimaginative people that watch it, yet all of the comments are females talking about how they defy those gender stereotypes and males talking about how hot that is. talk about unimaginative. get over yourselves, you people aren’t better than the according to jim audience. you just aren’t. — Kate

(I agree with you 110 percent. Fuck these clownshoes. But she wasn’t done.)

Admin, I think you missed the point of my comment. I could have told you exactly what these comments were going to say before I ever scrolled down. my mother was the first female lawyer in a small city in a red state. she faced alot of prejudice, and I have been told by more than one judge that female lawyers in that town do not realize how much they owe my mother. And guess what, she also watched home improvement. people don’t fit into boxes. I am confident that you and others on this site know that, but patting yourself on the back for being a sports loving, action movie watching, blow job giving female is not the way to go about showing it. its been done. isn’t that one of the reasons you hate those jokes about women who nag? you can’t consider yourself above it, yet stoop to that level at the same time. I like this website because many of the reviews are smart and well written. but the attitude can be unbearable.

much like gender sterotypes, commenting on the way a person types is cheap and easy. this is an informal way of communicating, and I will type as I please. I can assure you that I am familiar with the shift key. — kate

(An erudite and valid point. Which got trumped by this.)

Kate is so hot! — DarthBrooks

(I wish I could give away a secondary prize for the awesomest new name of the week, because serious, that’s got just about everything going on at once.)

5. God, why did you take the other brother?

I am so tired of everyone saying shit like this, about the Belushis in particular, but also about other dead comedians. The only reason you remember the dead guys fondly is because they died before they got old and started making shitbags like According to Jim, or, let’s say, Cheaper by the Dozen 2. — Sabrina

(Another valid point. This week, I’m awarding for going against the grain and hating on the site, apparently. Because I’m totally with them these week. Burn it to the ground and piss on the ashes and then fart in their mouths.)

4. Don’t forget that Keanu is 50% responsible for creating a future utopian world for us where bowling scores are way up and mini-golf scores are way down. It’s also a place where we get to be re-united with George Carlin. — branded

(Ah, obscure pop culturey references give me wood. Tiny, insecure, ineffectual wood.)

3. i’m chief editor at “cockroach weekly” a magazine for, by, and about 

We are deeply offended by the comparison to a “shit encrusted” jim 
 — c.a. roach

(I don’t even know why this is funny. It just is.)

2. Oh my God, I fucking HATED those pirannah plants! You’d be standing on top of a warp pipe, trying to fit Mario’s fat ass down and oh wouldn’t you know it, a goddamn tomato with teeth pups up and all of a sudden Mario is falling off the stage. And even when you were out of harms way, they were shooting fucking FIRE BALLS at you. Out of there mouth.

Fucking salad wannabe. — Jeremy Feist

(I’m not going to even lie that any clever comment involving 8-bit or lower tech video games are going to always crack the top five. But when it comes down to it, here’s the truest statement of the week, in response to haters attacking Stacey, since none of you cunts can be depended upon to defend me:)

1. It’s called Pajiba f*cking LOVE, and if you don’t f*cking LOVE it, and f*cking LOVE Stacey than take your snotty news-needy selves elsewhere, f*ckers. In fact, anyone who doesn’t feel the f*cking LOVE can piss off. Dammit. — replica

Because when it all is said and done, this site’s about the love. As much as I loathe and detest all you arrogant, irritating, perverse motherfuckers, I don’t know what I’d do without you. We magnificent bastards have found a support group for our neuroses and snarky tendencies. When the rest of the world wants to cram us into lockers and smash our glasses and steal our neverending story, we’ve found our fucking Narnia. Except instead of Jesus Kitty, we’ve got a big squishy lovable amorphous blob. And his name is Dan Carlson.

replica, for bringing the love, I award you the first of our delicious WhiskeyBabyNinjaStar! T-shirts, a shirt even I have yet to possess. Please send pictures of you topless to dustin at pajiba dot com so we can approximate what size to send you.

The Eloquence will live on, as long as Pajiba stands, or until I find something better to do. Like your moms. Burn! Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!

Until next week, clean in those hard to reach places, reach in those hard to clean places, and place hard in those clean reaches. What do you want from me? I’m famous now, I don’t need to answer to anybody.

Seacrest, out.

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