November 20, 2008 | Comments ()

By Brian Prisco | Eloquent Eloquence | November 20, 2008 |


Boy. I fucked up this week. I had to write an apology to Jhonen Vasquez for maligning his good name, and now I owe an apology to the entire governing boards of the Grand Ole Opry and Branson, Missouri. You can make an entire list out of the people I inadvertently left out of the Musicians Who Became Actors list. And while I will defend to the death the rankings, some of those left off were just unconscionable. I mean, in my tireless and exhaustive research in the approximately 18 minutes between waking up and showering when I compiled this consecrated work, I swore that I had dug deep into the cavernous recesses of my brain, but alas it was not so. So my apologies to Kris Kristofferson, Sonny Bono, LL Cool J, Tom Waits, Iggy Pop, Janet Jackson, Sean Combs, Lyle Lovett, and the many others I left off. The one who hurt me the most was Meat Loaf Aday. I practically wrote film school treatises defending the acting talents of Meistre Loaf. From his groundbreaking work in The Rocky Horror Picture Show, to his outstanding turn in Fight Club, or his brilliant cameo work as Jack Black’s father in Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny. But it is his luxuriantly scenery-mauling work as a villain where I think he truly shines like a beacon: either Formula 51 or Black Dog should have earned him the Oscar nod. You asked who should play Sam Kinison in a bio pic? I give you your champion. Forgive me, oh Meaty one, for I have sinned against you.

My mind’s been elsewhere this week. Between trying to keep afloat on the Cannonball Read, to feverishly finding the time to pen my 50,000 word blood debt (despite my 0 showing on the word count board, I assure you, there are words written. I write everything long hand and then edit it as I type. I am Prisco, slayer of trees!), to being completely distracted by Sofia’s Boobs. But I did notice that we did break the 1,000 barrier for members on the Facebook group. I think it is glorious that our 1000th member was the reluctant Ranylt Richildis. So as promised, here’s video footage of Philip Stephens and I cage-fighting in a kiddie pool filled with Funyuns and taco dip:

Nothing else to report. Hopefully these ten little indians will get you through until the glorious day when you too can battle me out for a big screen TV on Black Friday:

10. Skolnick knows how to please the ladies. Later, he could do my taxes, install spyware on my computer and run a load of whites. He wins. — Amelia Bedelia

9. Nimue as another Native Detroiter I whole-heartedly agree. Are you still in the area? Perhaps a slightly taller redhaired beauty with Rivers Cuomo glasses and a quick wit hidden behind a sweet smile? — Optimus Rhyme

I’m tellin the Chilean, you flirt. — Jay

(Oh, sweet baby James, keeping track of the various couplings on here needs a Pajiba dictionary of its own. Sarina has laid claim to Jay, bucdaddy and the Beaverplatz, Optimus and Sofia, lordhelmet and meaux. I think figgy laid claim to me, but I can never be certain. If we drew a diagram, I think Julie would actually end up as Godtupus.)

8. I need to watch this movie NOW. But since we only get one good movie here every six months or so, everyone goes to watch it on the SAME week so that the theaters end up so crowded you have to sit on the stairs. So I’ll have to wait.

True story, I had to sit on the stairs for The Return of the King. I got up to go to the bathroom and couldn’t get back to my seat. Stupid country. — figgy

(Ha ha ha! Third world.)

7. ATTN: Kelly Osbourne

Pretty little boys who wear smaller-size jeans than you are not usually that enthusiastic about the ol’ Fuzzy Pumper. Just ask Leanne Rimes. — firedmyass

6. Bubba’s last name isn’t Gump — unless I missed the gay marriage scene. I mean, I know that movie was a little overly sentimental, but a mentally retarded man marrying both a black man AND a woman with AIDS would just be too much schmaltz for my weak heart. — Ariel

(C0ngratulations, Mentok. You just predicted next year’s Oscar contender. Neegtarded’s Sarcoma: starring Will Smith and Jamie Foxx.)

5. Sean, you used “whence” correctly.

I just want it on the record that I really approve of that. — Jay

Thank you, Jay. The acknowledgment is appreciated. Proper word usage kicks ass. — Sean

I would like to record that I had no idea folks were running about misusing the word whence. — Lizardqueen

Well, it’s almost never used without the redundant “from” in front. Once you learn it’s wrong it’s like what having perfect pitch must be like (which seems horrible).

I’m a huge fan of “whither”.

It’s a really small fan club. — Jay

That’s because everyone jumped on the “thither” bandwagon long ago. — branded

(Ladies and gentlemen. Here’s why you come to Pajiba. It’s not the snarky commentary, or the smug self-righteous self-entitlement. It’s the grammatical kudos.)

4. Pheww…what a relief. I don’t know how I would deal with Colin having a baby dick. I see him every once in a while lurking around the Coffee Bean in our office building (we are right beside CAA). Every time I see him I want to go tell him, “I want to f*** you, bathe you, and f*** you again. As of yet I haven’t found the courage. I’ll wait until this job is over so when they physically remove me from the building it won’t matter. Is all this TMI? — Taylor

3. When I was a nine I wanted to be a Bond Girl or a lawyer.

I’ve only abandoned one of those childish dreams and I ain’t in law school. — Kayanne

(That, friends, is a T-shirt waiting to happen.)

2.I don’t like American Apparel because their clothes are not exactly flattering for my body type. I’m like Taft without the bitchin’ ‘stache. — Snath

(Hippo! One time, I was waiting for my brother while he shopped at Abercrombie and Fitch. The saleswaif approached me and asked, “Can I help you?” I said, “Probably not. Your store doesn’t cater to fat people, hater.” She took a step back, clutched her mouth, and actually ran away, CRYING. Take that, society.)

1. But you know that alcohol has no effect on trivia power. It just makes it all hilarious. — Jay

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I Don't Have a Gift To Give You For Christmas...Just Kidding! SURPRISE BUTT SEX!

The Top 10 Comments of the Week / Brian Prisco

Eloquent Eloquence | November 20, 2008 | Comments ()




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