November 13, 2008 | Comments ()

By Brian Prisco | Eloquent Eloquence | November 13, 2008 |


Hey, I’m back. Did I miss anything? Someone told me a black guy was running the country and I told them, “No, Oprah and Gail are just friends. Friends who can’t ever, ever marry. Until they’re old and gray and holding hands on the streets of P-Town.”

Our dear Beckyloo Who has been toiling away in the deserts of Nevada, riling up votes for the Ba-Bama. Apparently, it’s not just transvestite Elvis impersonators and whores anymore. Kudos unto you, my friend.

And friend of the site Chez Pazienza’s awesome (and totally eligible for the Cannonball Read) novel Dead Star Twilight was picked up for potential theatrical production. Swallow that one, motherfuckers. One of our own wrote a memoir, which sold exceptionally well, and now it’s may be made into a movie. Why are we not rioting in the streets with joy and looting for support and electronics? Dream cast: Chez — Sam Rockwell, Kara — Vera Farmiga, Chez’s parents — Edward James Olmos and Lupe Onitveros, The Guy He Friends In the Bar During 9-11 — Lenny Clarke, and Jayne — Rachel Blanchard. Who you got?

Since California has decided not to allow our love to be expressed through the exchange of vows, I need to show my love and appreciation for Daniel Carlson in other ways. Firstly, he’s put in the request that we get the Facebook group up over 1000. We’re around 930 now. Get to promotionalizing, bitches. Secondly, he has put in a request on his blog for more of the saddest songs you can think of. Ladies and gentlemen, the following video is for a song that will destroy you. It exists for no other reason than to make people weep like skinned knee little girlies. Don’t listen unless you’re in a comfortable place with a warm hug and tissues waiting by. Tom Smith’s “A Boy and His Frog.”



I warned you. Didna I warn ye? I have no heart, and the song made me one of out cotton kittens, only so it could rend it in twain.

But, it wouldn’t be like me to end on a downer note, so I would like to point out this fact: While I don’t know of any other Pajibans that have hooked up from the website, Stacey is currently dating and madly in love with one of my bestest friends in the world, whom she met during our Pajiban Philly meet-up. All together now! Awwwwwww!

Fairy tales can come true, it can happen to you, if you are among the very ten best quotes:

10. I first saw him [Paul Rudd] in Romeo and Juliet and I hated him with the energy of a thousand suns,and then I saw clueless and I absolutely loved him and there it was, my first love/hate relationship without even fluid exchange. — rio

9. Fun fact: it’s been proven via topology that the spacetime continuum is actually God’s butthole. It puts all this talk of rips and tears in a whole new (painful) light.

It also seems to prove that Hollywood really loves anal. — branded

branded, does this mean that Dustin is God?! Man, B-Slim is screwed…. — meaux

Meaux, I don’t want to delve too deeply into proctheology (the study of religious phenomena that specifically pertain to the ass), but Dustin certainly could be experiencing some kind of rectal stigmata. — branded

8. Hey, I customized my Zwinky once. I put a little hat on him, and gave him a pirate eye patch. And then a little vest. And then we danced around together.

And now I have to register with the police whenever I relocate. — Drake

Publisher’s Note: I hate those motherfucking Zwinky ads as much as the rest of you, but I can’t figure out how to turn the damn things off. I try at least three times a day, to no avail. They bring in approximately $3.21 of revenue a month, so it’s not like I’m pimping them for cash. I’m just technically stupid.— DR

(Ah, Megan’s Law. You’re why I only ever have one barbecue with my neighbors before the protests begin.)

7. I hope these assholes get deported to the Democratic Republic of Congo and are machete raped in the urethra for the shit their responsible for.

I, sir, am a Congolese machete-rapist, and I think I speak for the rest of my people when I say that you may keep the Wayan’s brothers. We do not want them. Thank you very much, anyway. — Amelia Bedelia

6. Dustin, my friend, that is some damn fine incentive, right there. I’m going to take it as soon as I get home, if you can just provide me with the young man’s address.

Because… I want to … stalk him tie him up in my basement do ungodly things to his body send him a greeting card. —Anna Von Beaverplatz

Good luck with that, Anna. But should you happen to find out where Taylor Kitsch is, let me know. I’d like to give him a “greeting card” as well.

(The “greeting card” is my vagina.) — Genny (also Rusty)

5. I’m writing The Gospel According to Lasseter as we speak. And I want everyone to give up at least ONE hour each Sunday to devote their time to either making delicious French soup, training circus bugs, scaring young children, repaving a road, or fucking a hippy superhero lady. — Julie

(Great work last week, Boobarella. You carried on the proud tradition started by Che Grovera of explaining to everyone why the top comments job sucks.)

4. Somebody told me they didn’t like Wall-E so I punched them in the mouth. There’s not even a story there. I probably need to keep my emotions in check. — Optimus Rhyme

3. Here’s what I wanna know… Do these crazy recluse “families” who live out in the sticks in decaying, labyrinth-like houses - houses that have had their share of unsuspecting, misled vacationers/road-trip teens meet their overly bloody demise - do these people ever say something along the lines of “Hey guys, wow, there’s a lot of vagabond/lost traveller blood and entrails all over the slaughtering rooms - what say we head out to Applebees for a couple beers and some boneless buffalo chicken-bites once we’re done cleaning out the sluice traps”?

Do they ever do that? Or do they just sit around being grim? ‘Cause that’d be kind of boring… Do they ever play Apples To Apples, or do they just doodle out new ideas for separating genitalia from unfortunate “guests”? — Skitz

2. Hey Dustin-
They wanted me to write a testimonial.


A paper’d fan that coaxes minds alight


From embers glowing love of screen and verse;


Pajiba! Save me from this desk job plight,


And give me leave to judge and squee and curse!


Bound to thy endless fields of comment thread


Devoted to thine spoilers and reviews


Addicted to the spine-caressing dread


Of hearing some new bit of movie news-


Assuredly, thy splendor will be told


As any lurker e’er was rickroll’d.


I overdo things. — Beatific Barf

(The English major in my just got a big ol’ lonely boner. He’s the same guy who’s sharpening a set of steak knives to go Alec Baldwin up the motherfucking Salinger haters in this pork salad. You people are complaining about a character who spends him time in a self-absorbed whiny bubble complaining about the idiots around him? Do you sleep at night under a big blanket of irony? Is it the same company that made the winner of the Boston Marathon walk in a parade the next day?)

(And our number one, in response to Jaden Smith taking on the role of Daniel-san in the Karate Kid remake:)

1. He’s only 10? He can just barely wax off. — becks

Ah, sexual innuendo. Will you never get old?

For your shameful pun, you must paint my house, sand Dustin’s deck, paint John Williams’ fence, and wax all of TK’s records. Your reward will be great and many: the ability to jump kick any member of the cast of the Hills upon sight. Also, a limited edition collectible T-shirt to soak up all the Shuey Gooey victory. It’ll be one of the last Godtopus T-shirts ever created. You’re the best around. Send your vital statisticals to dustin at pajiba dot com.

Fuck my Sam Rockwell choice. I want Ralph Macchio to play Chez in the movie. He was the bomb in My Cousin Vinny, yo.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I must continue orally gratifying Kevin Smith. He gets testy when he misses his 3 PM blowjob.

Suck it, Trebeks.

chevy-chaseadf.jpg
Oh Chevy Chase, Why Couldn't You Have Overdosed on Cocaine and Heroin Instead of Belushi?

The Top 10 Comments of the Week / Brian Prisco

Eloquent Eloquence | November 13, 2008 | Comments ()




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