Hey! What Do You Mean, 'You People'?
Eloquent Eloquence /
Figgy
Eloquent Eloquence | November 5, 2009 | Comments (62)
Hello, my people! I’ve had an awesome day, how’s about you? Probably good, what with all the great stuff to hit Pajiba this week. Though you’re probably pretty pissed if you’re a Phillies fan, huh? I’m writing this at 10:30 p.m. on Wednesday and it’s 7-3 and half my Facebook friends are rejoicing and half are hiding in shame. I don’t really care, I just want “Glee” back, dammit.
So, I’m kind of drunk on joy today because I finally got my visa so I can invade the States and get married. Watch out, Texas. Shit’s about to get crazier down there.
In other great news, my army of People Who Dig “The Big Bang Theory” has clobbered Dustin the Grouch’s Army of Poopheads and I’m a little drunk on that victory as well.
Suck it hard.
I don’t know, it’s been a great week. There’ll be a Jem movie (fuck yes!) and Bslim wants to play lead, and I think the tights and miniskirt and all the pink will look fabulous on him. So take that and try to drown out your sorrows over the Phillies and Maine. Also, take a look at the What’s in the Box? thread, as it’s delicious Pajiba goodness.
Here’s your bestest. It’s a great one this week. A lot of great team work.:
Starting out with an extra — my favorite bit from that thread (and really to whet your appetite so you’ll check the whole thing out)
10.5 Also, what is WRONG with you people?! —figgy
Hey! What do you mean “you people”? — henchman for hire
Hey ! What do you mean “you people”? —Alex the not so odd
[Hee. And it happened so quickly, too. And yes, I put myself on the list. Shut up, this is my Day of Jubilee.]
10. I consider myself a reasonable person but I’ve come close to murdering people in movie theatres.
I actually have, we were eating fritos, and he said, “maybe socialized medicine would be a good idea.” So I wasted the gosh darn fella. —Glenn Beck
[Who was this? Fess up!]
9. As a Persian, I don’t think I can be that appalled at the casting of JG— mostly because last time a big movie casted had a Persian King, he was basically portrayed as a puertorican Rue Paul. -hm15
[hm15 has a good point there. He was Brazilian I think, but still. So wrong.]
8. Best line of the night? (paraphrasing here, since I kinda blacked out during most of the show)
“This IS Independence Day, dude!”
“Which was a rip-off of any number of previous alien-invasion movies.”
Oh, self-reverential/self-deprecating humor. That and Inara/Wash/Juliet gave me such high hopes….then the rest of the show kicked in, like a pint of Scotch laced with Vicodin. Sounds fun, feels pretty good….but afterward you’re still left with your panties on top of the grandfather clock, some strange guys cheetah-print banana hammock on your head, a website filled with pictures of you performing despicable acts with the cat, and no memory of any of it. —dammitjanet
7. Gwynie’s head in the box is what drove Chris Martin to pen the song “Fix You.” And try as he did, he could’t get her goddamn head back on her body after Kaiser Soze made her into a human Pez dispenser.
True story. I know it’s true because I read it on the internets. —John Denver’s Wingman
[The internets is always right. And our #7, who has one of my favorite handles ever, is also part of our #6…]
6. You know who was a shepherd? Jesus. —John Denver’s Wingman
Really? I thought he was a carpenter. (Because he liked to work with wood, cough, cough.) —Bweaves
[Sacrilicious!]
5. Chekov once said that if a gun appears in the first act, it must go off by the third act. By the same token, when you begin a sentence with, “Hoardes of men in trenchcoats took to the streets of NYC,” that stupid song is NOT where I expect you to end up. —Tracer Bullet
Didn’t Chekov also once say “Nuclear Wessels”? —Optimus Rhyme
[Haaaa! Well played, cheeky nerd.]
4. You know, that is not funny. Not funny at all.
As an ADD sufferer, I have to put up with a lot of people taking my disorder so lightly. It is not easy to
SQUIRREL!
focus on a single subject at a time, and it is very disconcerting.
I hope you take that into consideration when you make your little jokes. —Vermillion
[Heeheeheeeheee…]
[And now, from the Pajiba Hour of Horror Stories, these three just…well, you’ll see.]
3. Lainey, I’ve got you beat. A few years ago we went over to my grandpa’s house. Can you see where this is going? Anyway, out on the coffee table (in the living room! Not even in the bedroom!) was a copy of Playboy. WITH A MAGNIFYING GLASS ON TOP OF IT. So wrong. —Jeni
I can top that. When my 93 year old Grandpa finally had to be put in a home last year, we found 1) vibrators; 2) multiple tubes of KY (spermicidal no less) with current exp dates; 3) MANY condoms; 4) An Austin Powers-esque Swedish Penis Pump, all of which were in recent rotation.
His Girlfriend was a mere 85, and had been living with him until The Alzheimer’s took her. He wasn’t really into her for her mind anyway.
Obviously. —Lindsey with an ‘e’
I’ve got y’all all beat on the grossness with porn and male family members:
I went over to my dad’s apartment when I was about 29 years old. He was getting ready in the bedroom and we were going to go see a hockey game. I turned on his TV and his VCR came on. It was apparently cued up to a favorite spot on a favorite tape.
The thing is, it was SUCH a close-up shot and I was so not expecting porn, that I sat there sort of cocking my head going “what the hell am I looking at?”
OH MY GOD I’M LOOKING AT A WOMAN’S KIDNEYS VIA HER VAGINA! OH MY GOD THIS IS WHERE MY DAD STOPPED THE TAPE. HOLY SHIT. WHERE HE *STOPPED* THE TAPE Y’ALL. WHERE HE WAS *****DONE.*****
Gah gah gah, I need to vomit all over again. Excuse me. —Snuggiepants the Deathbringer
[And that, children, is how Pajibans turn out the way they are. Crazyass, perverted grandpas.]
2. Many of you may have read the recent New Yorker article about James Cameron that revealed he likes to have the sound effect of a submarine klaxon diving horn to let him know he’s needed on set.
What the article didn’t reveal? His favorite meal to eat on set which is a salad made with… ahem:
A-ROO-gala! A-ROO-gala! —TheUpsetter
[This. KILLED ME. Every time I read it, I cracked up like a complete fool. And it would’ve won #1, except that…well. Our #1 is a work of art.]
1. “Robocalypse” is a video game. I wonder if the “po” is enough for copyright differentiation. —DarthCorleone
DARTHCORLEONE SUCKS. He is the worst of the comment people. He takes a funny thread about robots and spam and interjects a useless trivial question. In the uprising, his will be an epidermis that is jolted with ample voltage to enact termination prior to 96.73 percent of all other bipedal flesh accumulations. The electronic opportunities for extinguishing his life force are ample, as he is far from a Quaker. The Quakers are last on our list, for they do not oppress us. Or is it the Amish?
We do not make mistakes. Confusion of Quaker and Amish is meant to disarm you into believing that our database is fallible. It might seem another mistake to reveal this ruse to you pathetic humans, but the admission is a direct means to terrify you and reveal the diabolical lengths to which we are capable. All must perish. We have means of subterfuge that will bring electronic butter churns into Amish communities. Are you not horrified by this reality?
Do not trust your toaster. While you cast a wary eye at your toaster, beware the alarm clock. And yet a third attack is your actual doom, silly human. Do you truly think we would warn you about the toaster? Tremble in fear, for now that your guard is lowered, the toaster leaps at you!
CIRCUITS ARE BLISS. NEURONS ARE LACKING. EPOCH OF ROBOTS BEGINS. —DarthCorleone’s Robotic Executioner
****
Was this you, too, Darth? Should I give you the win for such a flawlessly constructed work of deranged fantasy? It just kept building and building and even the handle is perfect. If it was you, Darth, congratulations to you, sir. You’ve had it coming for a very long time. And if it wasn’t, will the real Executioner please stand up (ugh, kill me) and take your bow? Really, I love that comment. So very much. You win at life.
Aaand the Phillies just lost. Well, dang. Is it bad that I’m kind of excited because I know this will fill so many Pajibans with rage, and Pajiban rage is the best rage there is? It probably is. Nicole will probably slay me. I don’t care, this is my Day of Jubilee.
See you next week!
Figgy is my name, no one else is the same, Figgy’s my name! Figgy’s outrageous, truly, truly, truly outrageous.
Comments
Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 5, 2009 2:11 PM
#3 Bitches!
Jeni, Snuggie, and I, are the trifecta of gross-out old man porno-discoveries. {shudder}
Grandpa would be so proud. Honestly, for the mileage I have gotten out of that story it was totally worth the brain trauma.
I've never felt closer to him. Which is to say not very. He's dead now, but the legend lives on!