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October 23, 2008 |

By Brian Prisco | Eloquent Eloquence | October 23, 2008 |

You’re killing me, Smalls! The Phillies are not going to make this easy on my poor, overworked ticker during this World Series. This time of year is my favorite, with the perfect confluence of baseball departing, football in it’s mighty swing, and hockey season rearing up. Hockey is truly my favorite of all sports to watch live, because it combines the fluid grace and athleticism of soccer with the facepunching and bodychecking of the stands at a Philadelphia sporting event. But for now, I will focus all the sacradelicious power of my Baseball Jesus skills on the series and enjoying it. I would have enjoyed it a hell of a lot more had the Boston Red Sox made it. So close. But you tried. And at last, Boston’s reign of multi-sport domination has snapped like Tom Brady’s femur. Or Tony Romo’s fingers. And people say The Secret doesn’t really work. For shame.

I had a dear friend of mine say she seriously cared more about the outcome of the World Series than the upcoming presidential election. I concur. (Word of the day calendar.) In fact, I’m nominating Joe Paterno, the coach of Penn State, for president. He’s done things with a team that everyone’s all but forgotten about, leading them to undefeated glory and a reason for me to dance in the streets of Pasadena this New Year’s. Also, he’s like 900. Which makes him four months younger than McCain. He loves people of all races, and he would sooner eat an infant than call his wife a cunt. Or even a bitch. He’s got my vote.

Sorry if this is rambly. I’m concentrating most of my energy on farming.

The Cannonball Read has taken on epic proportions. We have 22 participants. That means 2200 books will be finished in the name of awesomeness. I’m enjoying the hell out of the reviews. Not just Miz Pink’s, but everyone else participating. There’s still plenty of time to participate. Most of our Cannonballers are clocking in at 2 books, but we’ve got a few approaching the 10 book mark. I may be declaring a couple of 5K events, for small trophies. What’s a 5K? It’s knocking off 5 books in a two week period. The K stands for “Krisko, are you fucking kidding me BOOBIES BOOBIES FUCK YOU LOVE BSLIM.” But I figure, it’s a good way to get a few people in there, and it can be part of the Cannonball Read, and that way more people can participate in a small way. But there will be prizes for the Cannonball Readers. Pink and I have been in conference on this. It will be GLORIOUS. But if you want to participate, hit me up in the Facebook Group or at priscogospel at hotmail dot com.

Do you smell that? It’s the slurp of a thousand Salted Caramel Hot Chocolates of frustrated writers clacking at laptops for the next month to join in on the National Novel Writing Month! (NaNoWriMo, for short, not to be confused with Nanoo Nanoo or NotInMyMouf!) I am contemplating finishing the novel I started last year, and then potentially selling it online like Chez did. Of course, mine is not so much a captivating biography about drugs and relationships as a self-indulgent semi-horror novel about a struggling writer and a homicidial typewriter. Think Christine meets Little Shop of Horrors and you’re just about there. I want to raise money for a trip…. A trip we all might be taking …

Blah blah books blah blah sports blah blah who won the fucking T-shirt already? Read on!

10. I heard that if you deep fry Pete Wentz at just the right oil temperature he tastes just like Johnny Depp. — stipe42

9. Victorino must die. — Kolby

I don’t suppose my last comment has a chance in hell of making EE? — Kolby

(Aw, Kolby. I bear no grudge against you. But you are right. This will be your last comment. Ever. Swarm! Swarm! Swarm my farm-raised minions! Feast upon the righteous! Just kidding. I’m trying to induce labor. She’s in her fifth trimester.)

8. We’re about three steps away, maybe two, from “The Running Man.” — bucdaddy

7. Road Trip and American Pie are now too old for teens to “get”? Well, shit. That’s the most frightening thing I’ve heard since a high schooler looked at me funny after I quoted The Simpsons. Yep, that was some awkward sex. — Macafee

6. I live in Connecticut and I never smile. Plus, who insults Connecticut? There are like twelve people in the state and two of us post here. I dare you to go after Canada or California. — Cindy

(I was tempted to post the Connecticut state slogans, but this was running long, and I’m still saving my wad for more Stacey Nosek declarations.)

5. The ironies in this review, pile up like a ten car mash up. — narciso

By “ironies,” he meant semi-colons. By “this review,” he meant his comment. — meaux

(Two sure ways to make the EEs. 1) Be a complete twatwaffle. More so than normal. Usually this involves taking a swipe at the reviewers. 2) Serve a twatwaffle. Well played MEYOUAX.)

4. Chris Pine has that sexually ambiguous zero threat to your teenage daughter’s hymen look. I don’t like that look. It reeks of shoddy cunnilingus. —Julie

(I’m giving you the keys to the castle, and you still make the EEs. You magnificent hufflecunt. There’s a nasty rumor going about that Dustin’s going to let the site go BALLS FREE for a week or so (a day. Tops. — DR. I would chalk this up to the 25 cent In-and-Out anniversary cheeseburger debacle that fucked my lunch today (stupid internet rumors, I hate you in the teeth) but I’ve seen Genny (also Rusty) at work. Well, much like the Poopsmith, we know my job’s safe. For the same fucking reason.)

3. Wait a minute, I thought this review was going to trash the movie for having as its centerpoint a group of magical, mystical black people who redeem an angelic white girl! What the….? — samantha t

Yeah, I feel cheated! This is no way to start a race war… Jesus, Kimberly! You should know better! — Skitz

But are the bees racist at least? — Great Mango

Bonus: We’ve already given Skitz the Lifetime Achievement Award, making him ineligible for the number one spot on EE. However, Skitz now gets the PajibaOscar for this gem:

Oh… Oh, Cindy, how quickly you’ve turned… I remember …(choke)… I… I remember thinking the day that I met you - “Now there’s a stable crew member for the MurderTank”. But now that I see where your mind’s at — all twisted up in a drug chimichanga — now that I see that, I realize what a fool I’ve been all along. Well hear me good and hear me again, young Missy - there’s no place for quitters here! You’ve just gotta buck up and… (sob)… you’ve just gotta think… (choke)… think outside that envelope that’s not letting you spread your wings and fly… You… You’ve got to… You’ve got to stay golden PonyCindy… stay golden …

2. All I know of Connecticut is that it was a cheap-ass, baby-blue avenue card in Monopoly that nobody ever wanted because baby blue made you a pussy. Also, growing up only speaking Spanish, trying to pronounce that stupid word correctly led us to calling it “Conet Avenue” while wondering what the fuck a Connecticut was. To be fair, we didn’t understand anything that was on the Monopoly board and usually ended up playing shop with the money.

So yes, I have a slightly skewed view of the world thanks to Monopoly. Nothing against you, Connecticut. — figgy

(Fuck you McDonalds. I better win the goddamn $100,000 soon, to pay for my impending angioplasty. And everyone back up as our number one hero steps to the plate to deliver his signature rant…)

1. AIDS can totally be funny. Like isn’t it funny when someone with AIDS cuts himself on a sharp piece of glass when a bottle breaks at the bar…and he doesn’t miss a beat saying “Anyone got a band-aid? I have AIDS.” Or what about when the immune system starts to break down and pneumonia sets in. That louds gurgling cough? You guessed it! Best Jabba the Hut impressions EVER! Oh…and how bout the skin lesions?! I knew one dude once who had a skin lesion on his neck, but when he was weak and couldn’t lift his head off his pillow, right where the lesion met with a couple of the smaller wrinkles in his neck looked JUST like Tom, from Tom and Jerry…but 70’s Tom, not the good Tom drawn in the 50s. See…it was funny cuz he TOTALLY hated Tom. He was more of a Jerry guy. Not a big fan of cats at all really…which was funny. Cuz he had AIDS! Just say it… AIDS!! I laugh my ass off at how easily it can be used to bring humor.

“Don’t drink that coffee Dave…it’s got the AIDS.”

While at the zoo, looking at a Zebra: “Be away from that Striped horse Dave…it’s got the AIDS.”
Is it wrong that I find all of this funny? OH! And I LOOOOOOVE Elton John’s new work. It pisses all over what he did in the 70s. His music has only gotten better…liike Billy Joel, Bon Jovi, and Billy Ray Cyrus. — PissBoy


It was close, but it was that last dig at the musicians that put you over the top. And I swear to Godtopus this has nothing to do at all with PissBoy being from Philly. Or that he mailed me an Arch Card for lunches. Or sexual favors. Because it didn’t work for the first three of you either.

For your bile filled spew at Elton John, I reward you with a shiny T-shirt, courtesy of your generous overlords at Pajiba. We ask for freshly cast Halloween masks, a sack of doorknobs, a voicemail of you singing the lyrics to “Pinball Wizard,” and your address to dustin at pajiba dot com. That deaf, dumb, and blind kid. Sure can whittle up a mean ass comment. Really big shoes. Funny hat.

There is one more week of my reign of tyranny before I head off to Ohio (sorry folks, but the wedding I’m attending in Cleveland is November 8th.) Then Julie begins her gynocracy, ruling with an iron clit. Take care of her. Not like you did beating up on poor Che Grovera, who’s resorted to broadcast salacious videos of his daughters dancing on YouTube. (If you haven’t seen them yet, You = Sad Clown Face).

I’m off to tend to my sea garden and amass my army on Facebook.

Red October, away!

The Top 10 Comments of the Week / Brian Prisco

Eloquent Eloquence | October 23, 2008 |

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