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October 16, 2008 |

By Brian Prisco | Eloquent Eloquence | October 16, 2008 |

Dear Philadelphia Phillies. Thank you for stepping up and doing your part to respect the wishes of Baseball Jesus. I wish you could have imparted that to the Red Sox, who are letting themselves be spanked by the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, which honestly should rename their team out of respect for Steve Irwin. They should be the St. Petersburg Aussiesnuffers. Which is consequently what our mascot looks like. I have always been proud to be associated with a Phanatic, because truly, that is what we angry, bile-spewing, battery-chucking, cheesesteak scarfing bastards truly are. Phanatical. Though truly, if we were real phanatics, we would be in the street, murdering the opposing team’s mascot and then setting ourselves on fire in an act of sacrifice. Still, I thank you, sirs. I will see you in the World Series, where hopefully you will finally put an end to the tyrannical curse of William Penn.

Consequently, I love that Vermillion has a Vermillion signal, to summon him for geek like conversations. I wonder what my Pajiba signal would be.

Well, I started a joke that made the whole world laugh. Or at least the Facebook world. Now you all have faces to match your masturbatory fantasies to. You’re welcome, America. For thanks, please click on all of our articles and advertisements 14 times more than normal. Also, bring friends. So says the dude with the sideways beard. But seriously, Dan and I in a beard-off? Because Dan has the awesome hair, so I have to overcompensate with my insano giant Rasputin facial muff. I’ve so got him licked in this. Yeah, I mean it that way.

But a couple of you ladies think you’re taking over the site from Facebook? What have you done with your political power? You gave the Godtopus a pink bow, and you covered the Murdertank in sparklies. A coup de twat is not accomplished by redecorating, you cotton headed ninnymuggins. I banish thee all to Bravo, where you will live out your days eating fancy cakes and wearing fashionable clothing. I am a just and kind leader.

I will be attending yet another wedding in the coming weeks, but this time in Ohio. (But please, do not let this stop the Phillyjibans from gathering to sing my praises. In fact, I bet you’ll be able to lure Stacey back there. You all seem to love her more anyway! *runs into bedroom, slams door, leaps onto bed in tears*) Instead of a proper election, I’ve taken a page from the Republican Party and merely chose based on stunt cunting. (That’s actually my new term for a female cockblock. A cuntstunting. It narrowly edged out twatblock and clitstiffer.) This is not a democratic process! And sure, she might not keep a lazy eye on the Russians or name her kids weird shit, but she is responsible for a majority of the funny shit around here, and also, I’ve actually drank beers with her. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present your next Eloquence Overlord, Julie! She will be taking over from October 30th through November 5th. Which means she not only gets to cover the election of the Leader of the Free World, but also all your nefarious Halloween shenanigans. Me? I’m hunting down Pisaster and Rubble44 in Santa Monica, dressed in a bridal gown with bowling shoes.

But before that happens, I gotta drop the big decade on you. FEAST!

10. 4. Eagle Eye ($10 million; $70 million million)

70 million million dollars?! Holy crap, that’s gotta be some kind of record! — Sabrina

9. I suppose this doesn’t really need to be said, but if you were considering it, I’d just like to suggest that puking while procreating is not recommended. — magic8ball

8. Finally. I could recreate “The Hills” with my four dogs and three cats, as about 90% of that show is people staring blankly. But it would be insulting to my pets, as all of them have too much self worth to ever date Spencer. — Genny (also Rusty)

7. Flying under water = swimming

You fail, aquaman. Now go tell me why that manatee is giving me the stink eye. — just kyle

(The next one is in reference to the Bull Durham sports debate. Just go read it.)

6. Am I the only one who is reading all of these descriptions of sports as if they were sung along to “The End of The World as We Know It”? —stipe42

5. Cheetah got no damn star?! This is not right. What creature in Hollywood has possibly huffed more bananas in his career?* *Trick question. Ryan Seacrest has a star. — firedmyass

(This is only trumped by Marilyn Monroe’s star being found out front of the McDonald’s.)

4. I was always amazed more people thought things would end up as 1984 rather than BNW. I don’t even think it would take the intense conditioning in the book to make most people fall in line. Stupid tv. Four-hour work days. Mindless consumption. Easy health and beauty. Random casual sex? Yeah, that’s a hard sell.— twig

3. Yet again..I’m reminded why I love you fools. Empire Records is the greatest Day at the Store / Teen Growing Up movie ever. Bless you. I must go watch it tonight. Yeah, I have it on DVD…so what? It’s filed alphabetically next to Fuck You, They’re My Damn Movies. — Shadows of Dakaron

I own a copy of Empire Records. Not because I like the film, but because one day, I’d like to show my grandchildren what Zellweger’s face looked like prior to collapsing in on itself. — Skitz

(I love Empire Records. A whole lot.)

(Sorry, Prisco: Empire Records is a terrible, dull, bland knock-off of Clerks, only with a great soundtrack. Here are the facts: The people who like it do so because they were making out the first time they saw it and thus have fond associations. — DR)

2. Are you there, Godtopus? — Margaret

(Read that one again and think about it. That totally would have one first prize, if only for the fact that it was probably anonymous and would have been difficult to figure out who made that delicious pun. Apologies. Instead, I give you your number one, a gentleman who’s already hit high several times on the list:)

1. Here are a couple other movie sequels being planned that make just about as much sense:

1. Godfather 4 - A Voodoo priestess resurrects Michael, Sonny, Fredo and Moe Green and they take a cross country drive from New York to Las Vegas to see Barbra Streisand perform for the last time. Hijinks ensue as they are chased by the zombie Barzini and Chief McCluskey. Along the way, they pick up a kid (Shia Labeouf) and teach him Omerta and the way of La Cosa Nostra.

2. Smokey and the Bandit 4 - Bandit runs for Governor of Georgia against Buford T. Justice who for some reason is married to Sally Field’s character, Frog. Hijinks ensue as Big Enis and Little Enis (Pat McCormick and Paul Williams) dress the same although one is 6’8” and the other is 5’2”. Bandit learns he has a son (Shia Labeouf) who also has a knack for fast driving and fast living. Special appearance by Billy Ray Cyrus as a perverted father.

3. Citizen Kane 2- the Wrath of Kane - Charles Foster Kane (Shia Labeouf) rises from the dead to avenge the loss of Rosebud. He does this with Yellow Journalism and 250 pounds of dynamite.

4. Casablanca 2 - Beach Party - Rick (Shia Labeouf) and Louie (Christopher Mintz Plasse) hit Spring Break with $10,000 Francs and no rules!!!!!

5. Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull - the world is at a precipice, this time caused by the specter of nuclear annihilation, and Indy’s struggle is once again to ensure that a precious, mysterious object remains safe from those bent on destroying humanity. And there’s Aliens!!!!!! And he has a kid….played by Shia Labeouf.

You see, none of those movies make any fucking sense, as this new Bull Durham wouldn’t either. It was a great sports movie and while it would be good to see the characters again, they are hinging it on a plot point that totally pisses on the ending of the first movie. For Christ’s sake, people, let sleeping dogs lie. — Rubble44

The Top 10 Comments of the Week / Brian Prisco

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