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October 9, 2008 | Comments ()


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All Hail the Beaver


The Top 10 Comments of the Week / Brian Prisco

Eloquent Eloquence | October 9, 2008 | Comments ()


All right. So let’s get this straight. If we make fun of devoutly religious people by using terms like “christards,” we’re bastards. If we make fun of people who make fun of devoutly religious people by using terms like “comedy documentary,” we’re bastards. If we don’t make fun of devoutly religious people, we’re bastards. If we have an opinion at all, we’re bastards. We’ll fight each other even when we agree. And nobody can figure out how Sarah Palin is going to win this election?

I went to film school in Boston in 2003. I promptly got swept up in the religion of The Red Sox. The next year, the curse is broken. Even the fucking Patriots beat my beloved Eagles, and I have to sit in the town where they throw a fucking parade for it. So I move to California. I go to a Mighty Ducks game. The Ducks win the Stanley Cup that year. Against all wisdom, I stay in California. Now this year, the Phillies are playing the Dodgers, and the Red Sox stomped on the Angels to soon obliterate the lame-ass Devil Rays. I have discovered that I am Baseball Jesus. Hail me.

Thanks to Popeye Oyl and her debate team partner, the comments this week are Palin heavy and Palin hatey. Frankly, I’m not voting this election. I haven’t voted in a single presidential election since Clinton the first time. My beliefs aren’t represented, so my vote doesn’t count. I’d vote for none of the above if I could. Oh, no! Am I letting the other side win? What other side? I quit the Democrats when I stopped going to Catholic Church. I’m an apathetic agnostic asshole. We even have our own motor club. Hail baseball.

The Cannonball Read is getting awesome. We’ve got nine people participating. Nine! Why that’s enough to start a baseball team! Synchronicity is the tits. While the competition for the trophy (a pink machete) is strictly between me and Cool Hand Leuk aka AlabamaPink, there may or may not be handcrafted participation badges awarded to all participants and secondary trophies. Once again, for you interested parties, all it takes is a library card and a blog. You can start up a fresh blog! They’re cheap as free! Please write to me at priscogospel at hotmail dot com to join up!

You know what’s great about reading? You can totally do it during a baseball game! It’s the fourth greatest sport to read or study to! (Number 3: Tennis. Number 2: Golf. Number 1: NASCAR.) Also, you can read the books that some of fine Pajiban staff are recommending that you fuckers aren’t paying enough love to. Sarina’s spending her time beating through the Stephanie Meyer books (which is only second to my quest to finish all of the Left Behind Series — mission accomplished), which results in hilarious hate-spewing bile. But nothing compares to the beauty of Jennifer McKeown’s posts. Seriously, I hate dogs so much, I wanted to kick a chihuahua around his owner’s body like a fucking tetherball, and I want to read that fucking Egdar Sawtelle book.

Bottom of the ninth, bases loaded, to the plate is Number TEN!

10. As a woman, I don’t think about my breasts and ass at all. I leave that to the boys. — Sofia

(Actually, Sofia, it appears that only the Pajiban ladies think about their bodies. And then obsess over them. And then lament or laud them in the comments section. The Pajiban fellas then trip over their dicks to flatter them. And then there’s some giggling and some awkward fondling, and I think repeated viewings of shirtless Pajiban poster boys. And that’s how babies are made. Nerdy, amazing babies. Speaking of which, Kolby, have you had your fucking child yet? You’ve been pregnant for like twelve months! I hope you’re charging that little shit rent.)

9. Anybody else a little suspicious that the Stoker family waited all this time to find enough original material from Bram to base a new book on? I have a horrible feeling they have a couple of scribbled lines and the rest will be the product of the grand-nephew twice removed’s imagination. It might be okay but then again if we’re basing our hopes on talent being transmitted through the genes, I have two words for you: Sofia. Coppola. — PaddyDog

8. I lost my virginity while watching this movie (Bram Stoker’s Dracula). I’m weird. Well, not so much lost it…I know where it went. Weird term, really, upon consideration. — kalafraja

(The story of how I lost my virginity will take up a screenplay. Seriously, there were attempted suicides, and ambulance chases, and mafia allegations and court cases, and I think I killed a guy with a trident!)

7. Can someone who understands Morse Code see if Gov. Palin was trying to send a subliminal signal last night with all that winking? Either that, or she was having a stroke. I’m open to both theories. — Tammy

(Actually, it was morse code. My uncle was in the navy and translated it as “Watch Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! on Adult Swim.” Which is weird, because I totally would have pegged her as a Superjail! fan.)

6. My BOYFRIEND is itching to see this movie… Because he can take his chihuahua… Rest assured, his chihuahua will wear a sweater since it is below 85 degrees in a theater. Doesn’t that fact really recalculate the barometer on what seems to be a justified complaint? Of course your daughter wants to see this movie. Next time she sleeps over her friend’s house, be sure to bring up the movie before closing the neighbor’s door. Then do a victory dance. I, on the other hand, will be seeing this on a date. — chihuahua_BF

Chihuaha_BF…RUN!!! Run now. Run fast and don’t look back!!!
Who is your boyfriend, Paris Hilton? You can do better. You MUST do better! — cuca

5. I SAID ABORT! ABORT! ABORT! ABORT! Posted by: Bristol Palin (Too soon?) — branded

4. Instead of completely outlawing it, PETA should push for a winner goes home clause. If you’re the baddest bull muthafucka out there, you deserve a nice pasture and some fly cow honeys. Let him breed more awesome bulls, it’ll be good for the sport until one of his kids doesn’t want to be a matador-fighter and wants to go to a liberal arts college. That would be my movie.— Optimus Rhyme

(Now THAT’s a tasty burger.)

3. Whoa, what a fucking shock — the fucking Pajiba-ites don’t fucking like her, and they don’t fucking think she’s smart. How fucking original. — chris

Hey, chris, it’s a free fucking country. — Genny (also Rusty)

No, it’s not that we don’t like her - we just don’t want her to be President. I’d go over to her pad, have a few drinks, maybe have some thing to eat, but no - I don’t want her to be president. She’s a novelty at this point. I could have answered the questions just as well as her. Granted, there wouldn’t be a slew of lonely Republicans rubbing one out to my grizzled appearance, but I could’ve done the same thing. And you don’t want me to be President, do you chris? — Skittimus Maximus

(Why are our all our trolls named Ben, and Joe, and Chris? BarbadoSlim at least brings his hatespeech to new levels of excellence, and frankly, I’ve been admiring the silent lucidity of Pookie as of late. Even when they want me off the site. Ah, BSlim, you’re like that cranky old man sitting on the porch, yelling at me to get off his lawn. By the time you actually struggled off your crotchety old pee-stained ass to do something about it, I’m halfway through Jersey. Actually, I’ll still be on your stoop, throwing crumpled PBR tallboys at your head and doing bad breakdancing movies with Shia LaBeouf.)

2. (Re: The Ab Fab remake on FOX) This will be about as successful as the current US attempt to remake the British empire. — celery

(Tapping the microphone. Ladies and gentlemen. I give you your number one commenter of the week, and then future Prime Minister of Canada, Admin11:)

1. I don’t know who did the Palin facebook page but they better get Gretzky off of it right fucking now. We will not have our one and only sports hero associated with this delusional, uninformed meat puppet for the Republican Party. I have informed the Prime Minister and he is equally appalled. I have been advised that Canada’s military is mobilizing and that the creator of this farce has until midnite CST to remove Mr. Gretzky’s image from the page, else the United States of America will be invaded on the pretense of bringing democracy to an obvious dictatorship.

Be advised that Canada’s full millitary might will be brought against America. We shall launch all 23 canoes in our arsenal complimented with marines outfitted with the latest in musket technology to secure your coastlines. The Royal Canadian Mounted Police will attack across our mutual boarder by horse-back and you don’t want to mess with them. Those horses bite!
Finally to ensure your liberation Canada will be sending an contingent of 62.75 Eskimo commandos mounted atop polar bears to deal with any facist uprisings. These fuckers are mean. They carry whale bone harpoons that can be thrown over 12 metres. You probably don’t think that 12 metres is a long distance but, then again, you don’t even know what a metre is so fuck you.

You may be wondering who the .75 of an Eskimo is. That is Nanook, terror of the north. He lost his leg during a vicious Eskimo leg wrestling match. He is the most brutal of the bunch. During the baby seal harvest he doesn’t use a club, he uses his cock.

We assure you we are serious about your liberation and we look forward to your aid in achieving our mutual goal of democracy for all people on Mr. Gretzky’s behalf. — Admin11

—-

Wowsa. I just joined Facebook. Pajiba has just over 500 members. I’m surprised that that’s it. I feel like I’m in the limo with a fat wedding party. There feels like there should be more of us than is showing.

Anyway, my hearty Canuck, for your stirring declaration, I hereby begift you with your very own Pajiba shirt. Please send us many beaver pelts, a liter of maple syrup (goddamn you metric system), an air mail envelope, and your mailing address in the frosty north. (In French, English, Spanish, and Pig Latin). Our overlord can be reached at dustin at pajiba dot com.

I’ve got my new candidate for president. And this is totally not an attempt to get all the Pajibans in Minnesota to go to Valleyfair Amusement Park in Shakopee, MN. She’s part of the Freakshow Deluxe, and her name is Amy Amnesia. She might be laying on a bed of nails and get bricks broken on her, she might be hammering nails up her nose, she might be pulling an Annie Lennox and walking on broken glass. She might even let you staple dollar bills to her body. So go!

And on November 4th, vote for a real American. He even comes with his already attached running mate!

MAXIMUS/MINIMUS ‘08
He’d Vote For You

GO PHILLIES!



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