September 25, 2008 | Comments ()

By Brian Prisco | Eloquent Eloquence | September 25, 2008 |


Who else to proclaim the wonder of the week that was but your most loquacious, left-handed leftist extraordinaire? If you ain’t in your right mind then you ain’t shit, so welcome to the decidedly left-sided world that is now Pajiba.

Hey, you! Yeah, the one working the help desk. And you, the one who thinks you have it so bad claiming the processes - er, processing the claims - of the random street monkeys. Add an extra genuflection to almighty Godtopus for the gig you got that isn’t this one. Slogging through post after whiny-ass post like a fresh-faced English Lit major grading junior high papers for the first time is enough to drive even the most determined recovering alcoholic back to drink. So Prisco, I salute you. Never mind that with my other hand I’m pinning an arm behind you as I drive your face into the cinder block for never finding my own posts deserving … yeah, disregard that.

Who knew Prisco had a real job? After a week of sitting in for him I think there should be a gigantic “Paypal Tip Jar” icon on the Pajiba home page; they can’t possibly be paying him enough for climbing into those virtual hip-waders every week to go searching for the occasional pearl drifting among the turds in the cesspool. By my tally I had perused in excess of 2,200 comments spread over 53 different threads by quitting time Wednesday evening. Of course, I didn’t help my cause by taking a long weekend vay-cay sans computer — which meant cramming on the comments this week. You guys are amusing in small doses spread out over a workweek, but try reading this site as literature sometime!

Too, I resent you overlords of Pajiba for allowing a big AARP banner ad to be shoved at me repeatedly while I was going about my dreary yeoman’s business on your behalf! Seriously, Rowles — what gives? Where’s the compassion, man? I may be skewing your demo, but cut me some slack. On the other hand, between the adbots and the spambots there hardly seems to be a need for hallucinogens anymore.

Let’s get things rolling with some shout-outs. Pookie: Bile alone just won’t git ‘er done. If there was an award for dyspeptic outbursts then you would have definitely been in the running, but props for calling out Dustin and BarbadoSlim opining on Biggie Smalls. Optimus Rhyme: Your “Muppets I Would Fuck” post creeped me out, dude. Seriously. And you played football? American football? You are a most curious sort, son. Skittimus Maximus: You are one delirious whimsical mo’fo’ and I very nearly included you for “titty twister tears,” but you are just going to have to settle for a Pajiba Lifetime Achievement Award (how about it, Rowles? [Granted. — DR]). Meaux: You are officially in charge of provisioning Pajiba tees and ensuring that “tight in the bosoms” fit. And Sybil von Knife Pile Beaverplatz: love ya babe, but chameleonic name changes aren’t the ticket either (names are not shoes, darlin’).


Speaking of the Palin name frenzy, there’s a reason you didn’t hear from Spoon Archer Palin. Maybe that name would work for Uri Geller, but for me…not so much. Of course, the outbreak of Palin-namia only added to my challenge — and made me even testier than usual. So you won’t see any reference to those miserable, insulin-shock inducing LOLcatsjjkljqefdkwq (sorry, folks; but my hand cramped in retaliation as soon as I typed that text-speak). Y’all also might think I would have had more to say about Muppet sex, but you’d be wrong. I guess that’s what happens when you live the dream. Then there was the Cannonball Read, which continued to raise clouds of dust as it rumbled down the road away from the confines of Pajiba and into the warm, numbing embrace of Middle America. “The Shack”? Chelsea Handler’s “Horizontal Life”? Really? I applaud AlabamaPink’s egalitarian spirit even as I question her judgment. I’m tempted to snark about the effects of chemo, but even I won’t go there … barely (and for the record my mother is a cancer survivor whom I drove to and from chemo twice a week for three months just a couple of years ago, so reholster your derision). In her defense, her reviews kicked ass - and no one ever said it would be the 100 greatest books ever written or some such twaddle … Rowles and Pink, snark-martyrs to the end.

OK, deep breath…now to the matter at hand (*adjusts bandolier*).

Anyone remember the HTML tag-a-mabob for a drum-roll crescendo? Anyone? Christ, you people are worthless. Fine, here’s your top 9 bridesmaids followed by the only entry that anyone cares about. Oh, and despite my sinister tingly urges I simply chose to ignore the political and social catfights that broke out today. ‘Nuff said.

10. Well, John, as long as you’re giving us the choice, I’ll take the “generic middle-age melodrama starring Richard Gere, Diane Lane, and a pack of wild horses on the beach” option. Let the ladies have their Ed Harris & Viggo Mortensen and the ‘crowd I don’t want to know’ have their latest Dane Cook shitfest. So everyone’s happy, right? I didn’t think so. - TMax

[TMax brings the witty. Hey, I gotta do what I can to encourage his sobriety, people]

9. While they’re at it why don’t they just all come over to my house and skull fuck every happy childhood memory right out of my head? Both of them. - Admin11

8. Lainey, thank you for joining me on this journey. I no longer walk alone. And when you see one set of footprints, that means I passed out. You may want to look back and check near any dunes or shrubbery. - Optimus Rhyme

[I’m too easy. Plus, I hate that “footprints” shit.]

7. Is this a fucking movie/entertainment critique website, or a bitch fest for liberal douche bags, who’s ivory-towered professors keep feeding them dung? - Chuck

That you, Oscar? - bucdaddy

[(I feel compelled to point out that this exchange took place during the Muppet sex thread. I’m a fool for clever Muppet references. Oh, and later in the same thread Pookie claimed to be Chuck. Doesn’t matter - I hate them both.]

6. TK,
To be honest with you, I always thought you were severely lacking in commas, and would, indeed, never have pointed it out myself, if not for your honest, yet disappointing, confession.

Commas, semi-colons, italics, bold, exclamation! / Question Mark? points…(triple dots) I’m of the opinion that none of the above can ever be overused: so free yourself, my Brother, let the cadence flow, as it may, and damn the opinions of others.

That is, to say, I only want, and/or need, to reinforce that, indeed, there is no such excuse to, well, not only overuse commas, where literary license demands, but, also, and without extraneous compunction, to properly, and literally, express, and acknowledge, your most salient, concise point, vis a vis the overusage of commas, in any extenuating event, obviously ever-present in this comment alone, an over-long, bloating treatise in and of itself, as I’m sure you, and all the rest of you, are now very well aware, via an inexcusably long, comma-ridden communication, without an ending punctuation at hand, which obviously leads nowhere near the subject being discussed, and, even if it did, would be mostly anti-climactic, and insanely boring, as I no doubt you, all of you, feel right now about this particular, singular, comma-ridden diatribe, even now.

And not only that, - CommaMan

[Grammar obsession is the best way to chisel into my stony heart … after Muppet sex.]

5. Oh, and I liked the old central position of Pajiba best. Call me old fashioned, but I’m really old fashioned. I still weave my own cloth, and I prefered computers when you had to enter this crap with punchcards with Hollerith codes. - BWeaves

[(Hahahahollerith…I remember that shit, too…God, I’m old.]

4. I get them all mixed up… Was IV the one with the whales and the mom from “7th Heaven”? That’s a good one. But II is still the best one. True story: I started a new job 5 months ago, and our IT person’s last name is Kahn. Every time I see her, I’m forced to shout, “Khaaaaaaaannnnn!!!” at the top of my voice. Thank god I do good work. - Anna von Beaverplatz Sybil Knife Pile Palin

3. Speaking of gays, a friend of mine used to work in a department store makeup/fragrance section, and had a woman come in asking for Hot Cooter. It took a good five minutes before they could figure out that she was looking for Givenchy Haute Couture. Hot Cooter must be the signature scent of Vaginaland… - MG

(This cracked my shit up. Plus, including it proves that I considered the entire week’s worth of comments. But mostly I just like it.]

2. “gaping puss filled anal wound”

It would heal faster if you took the cat out of it. - rlr260

[Scathing grammar commentary! See #6 above. Seriously, it took all my self-control not to jump on this one myself…and rlr260 did it better than I would, I have to admit.]

1. So, this reminds me about the time I lived in a trailer park (shut up). The neighbor next to us was having an affair with the wife of the dude across the street from him. (The wife was then dubbed The Skank, the husband Skank’s Husband and the neighbor the Asshole.) So One day Asshole and Skank’s Husband go outside and start taunting each other, old-skool 5th grade style.

Asshole: I fucked your wife
SH: She’s a fuckin’ meth whore, you can have her.
(Awesomely, Skank was there, watching.)
Asshole: Fuck you.
SH: Make me.

I hear this from inside and start working in the garden (ie: holding a shovel and staring at them) and then Asshole picks up a rock from his yard and throws it across the street and hits Skank Husband. Looked like it hurt, too. So, I, being a good neighbor, dropped all pretenses of working, pulled up a lawn chair and a Bud Light and watched avidly. The rock fight went on for about five minutes, with random bad taunts thrown in. Then, Asshole says, “Fuck this, I’m done.” Skank husband says “Pussy.” Now it is ON. They walk across the street at each other as fast as my one year old. On the way they each pick up a rock (like they’d go unarmed!) and when they meet in the middle they do this weird bear-hug psuedo grappling thing and hit each other in the kidneys with their rocks. That takes about five more minutes, then they break apart and Skank Husband says “That goddamn skank isn’t woth it.” And Asshole is all “Yeah, she’s a damn slut.” And me? I’m damn near hysterical and yelling for my husband to come check this shit out. (He thought it was tacky to watch he neighbors fight. Whatever, it was cheaper than cable.)

In conclusion, if this movie is as good as that day, I will be satisfied. - TWoP Fan

——
See? You don’t have to make shit up - life is funny enough, properly told. If this is fiction then I don’t wanna know about it; although it wouldn’t be bad fiction, either. And for your trip down trailer-park fantasy lane, you are awarded on free Pajiba T-shirt. Send your mobile-home wheels, the jacuzzi tub you’ve converted into a goldfish aquarium, and your top to dustin @ pajiba dot com. Please include a return address.

So there you have it. I can’t wait for Prisco to abdicate the throne again so I can see how someone else fares in this marathon of triathlons (read article, read comments, regurgitate, repeat). I have just one request for you, Brian: anyone who hasn’t seen the Godfather trilogy should be automatically disqualified from having an official opinion on this site. Just sayin’.

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